I am the headlights on a dark unending road
you are the brake lights stopping me as I go
you are the reflectors shinning back my life
you are the traffic lights never making up your mind
every thing's a blur scenery passing fast and slow
but I'm still leaving barely breathing as I go
I have to get away from the city away from the rain
to a place where no one knows my sins
where no one knows my name
Could you remind me because sometimes I forget... who am I? and how did I end up like this? Sometimes I just don't know... anything really... sometimes I feel like I'm barely existing and then at other times I feel like I've never been so alive in my life. I just wish I could put everything on pause... just breathe for a while...xx
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
Re-@iM@t-eD
Friday, August 11, 2006
about a boy...
He is a captivating beauty among a world of ugliness and cold
he is warmth, he is the sun you feel his presence caress every place the light can touch
his eyes, his eyes I never saw a soul until I gazed into his
so open so inviting, yet so mysterious at the same time, like starring into something endless something limitless, something timeless, something with no borders, something free, something like a sunset in the horizon there but out of reach, present but unattainable, you feel as though you could reach out your hand and touch it but no matter how far you stretch it's just away from your fingertips. Sure you can jump in your car and chase it, hop in a plane, a boat, but it's a endless spiral an endless track, an unending circle. You can run and run and run but he's always two steps ahead and never within grasp.
his voice is like music each word like each note flowing off the pages as if they aren't written down at all as if the lines mean nothing, they are guidelines which he seldom follows. He makes his points and he has so much to say but his ideas are as endless as his words which flow out of his mouth so carelessly.
His hands... his hands his hands his hands, by far one of my favorite parts of this man. so strong so skilled so much talent and power held inside these two hands. Hands carved by God hands full of electricity full of energy full of warmth full of strength, and when he puts them to use, it's like magic. it's like a symphony like a well written and even better play song.
his smile, his smile reminds me of a children's dance, lots of kids in a circle singing laughing clapping dancing all the joy in the world held in that moment in that instant and amplified by the parting of his up turned lips. it lights up his entire face, from his teeth to his bright eyes. everything good everything light. it's like the sun shining through the gray scenery of winter. making even the bare tree and their bare branches seem almost on fire. his smile is like a flame it burns. it's infectious as well. infectious you can't look at him looking at you smiling and not smile back. his smile wraps itself around you making you feel light and free making you feel careless and open, inviting and giddy.
so much beauty and wonder in one person. it seems so unfair that he can possess so much beauty in his mind in his body in his soul. every aspect of this boy is beauty he is the epitome of beauty. A quiet beauty that I can barely describe. it's an indescribable beauty. a desirable beauty, a reliable beauty, a constant beauty, a stunning beauty, a breath taking beauty, a radiant beauty, all those pretty words and all the most handsome words you could use just don't do him justice. they can't... not in his presence they are nothing compared to him. nothing...
just taking a look down memory lane... Is it about you? maybe... then again...xx
about a boy...
He is a captivating beauty among a world of ugliness and cold
he is warmth, he is the sun you feel his presence caress every place the light can touch
his eyes, his eyes I never saw a soul until I gazed into his
so open so inviting, yet so mysterious at the same time, like starring into something endless something limitless, something timeless, something with no borders, something free, something like a sunset in the horizon there but out of reach, present but unattainable, you feel as though you could reach out your hand and touch it but no matter how far you stretch it's just away from your fingertips. Sure you can jump in your car and chase it, hop in a plane, a boat, but it's a endless spiral an endless track, an unending circle. You can run and run and run but he's always two steps ahead and never within grasp.
his voice is like music each word like each note flowing off the pages as if they aren't written down at all as if the lines mean nothing, they are guidelines which he seldom follows. He makes his points and he has so much to say but his ideas are as endless as his words which flow out of his mouth so carelessly.
His hands... his hands his hands his hands, by far one of my favorite parts of this man. so strong so skilled so much talent and power held inside these two hands. Hands carved by God hands full of electricity full of energy full of warmth full of strength, and when he puts them to use, it's like magic. it's like a symphony like a well written and even better play song.
his smile, his smile reminds me of a children's dance, lots of kids in a circle singing laughing clapping dancing all the joy in the world held in that moment in that instant and amplified by the parting of his up turned lips. it lights up his entire face, from his teeth to his bright eyes. everything good everything light. it's like the sun shining through the gray scenery of winter. making even the bare tree and their bare branches seem almost on fire. his smile is like a flame it burns. it's infectious as well. infectious you can't look at him looking at you smiling and not smile back. his smile wraps itself around you making you feel light and free making you feel careless and open, inviting and giddy.
so much beauty and wonder in one person. it seems so unfair that he can possess so much beauty in his mind in his body in his soul. every aspect of this boy is beauty he is the epitome of beauty. A quiet beauty that I can barely describe. it's an indescribable beauty. a desirable beauty, a reliable beauty, a constant beauty, a stunning beauty, a breath taking beauty, a radiant beauty, all those pretty words and all the most handsome words you could use just don't do him justice. they can't... not in his presence they are nothing compared to him. nothing...
just taking a look down memory lane... Is it about you? maybe... then again...xx
It started out with a kiss... how did it end up like this... it was only a kiss
The new year is approaching faster than I care to admit. I am about to be 21 years old. 21 January 3rd I will be 21 it's unreal. I never thought I would make it to 21 honestly I thought I didn't think I would make it. I thought I would have given up 3 years ago 4 years ago but I didn't. I am so much stronger than I was. I'm not even the same person. Hell, I'm not even the same person I was 3 months ago much less 3 years. It's scary and at the same time exciting how much we change and adapt but still stay the same. I'm a different person and at times I am very uncomfortable with who I am. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize my face. But then I fall into old habits and routines and I realize how the same parts of me are. I have grown more in this past year, and since October it's been one change after another. I have broken so many boundaries and my boundaries have been crossed. Boundaries I never thought would be crossed. Boundaries I thought were untouchable and I continue to cross more daily. Sometimes I'm afraid of this person I'm becoming. This person much darker than myself. Another side of me a side I repressed and kept locked away ignored like it didn't exist has taken over. It's like this tiny person inside of me has broken out and spread like a virus. I said something the other day "I've never been so happy in my life, never not even when I was a hardcore Jesus freak there is not a time in my life when I can remember being so happy." Now to any normal person this would be a good thing but it scares me. Why? I have no clue... I think because in the back of my mind I know it won't last. I also said I had no remorse or regret about what I'm doing. If you don't know what "I'm doing" not really any of your business, but... I'm living in the moment for the first time in my life. My mom said,"I don't see how you do it live from day to day on stolen moments of happiness." Isn't that what life is? Stolen moments of happiness. We live from moment to moment good moments bad moments everything in life is moments I would much rather live for stolen moments of happiness than not living at all. That's what I was doing. I wasn't living I was numb I was lost. I thought I had lost it again but I found it. I've found what happiness feels like even if it's a few hours out of the day a day out of a week or month for that moment I am in that moment and I am truly happy and yes I can live my life from moment to moment. I don't see how she can't. It strange to be so happy and yet so I don't know... I can't explain how I'm feeling but I feel and at the end of the day that is the point everyone is missing these days. I feel... and it's hard and cold and beautiful and breathtaking all at the same time. I'm whiling to take the good with the bad because I am alive...
God... my perspectives have changed... so much. I don't know how it happened but slowly I remembered how to live again. I remembered how to breathe how to feel what it feels like to be alive... 2007 is going to be an amazing year 21 is going to be a year for me. I am going to do all the things inhibitions held me back from doing. I am not letting anyone tell me what is right and wrong, what I should and should not do, who I should and should not be. I'm going to decide from now on what I think is right, what I should do, who I should be. I am living my life now. I'm am so tired of being what I think people want me to be, who my family wants me to be.
Take me for what I am or leave me that's the way it is. From now on the changes I make will be ones I wanted to make. I am me and I am going to live if it kills me...
God... my perspectives have changed... so much. I don't know how it happened but slowly I remembered how to live again. I remembered how to breathe how to feel what it feels like to be alive... 2007 is going to be an amazing year 21 is going to be a year for me. I am going to do all the things inhibitions held me back from doing. I am not letting anyone tell me what is right and wrong, what I should and should not do, who I should and should not be. I'm going to decide from now on what I think is right, what I should do, who I should be. I am living my life now. I'm am so tired of being what I think people want me to be, who my family wants me to be.
Take me for what I am or leave me that's the way it is. From now on the changes I make will be ones I wanted to make. I am me and I am going to live if it kills me...
Saturday, December 16, 2006
What else could I be...
lashing out, lashing out all this time we're lashing out
I have a habit of saying things out of hurt. I've noticed lately more and more this you hurt me I hurt you mentality that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm not a hurtful person it's a defense mechanism that I'm working on disarming but for those of you I've used my words against I'm truly sorry. Bare with me as I work out the kinks because I never meant to hurt you. That was never my intention. Also I give jaded compliments. I apologize for that as well because I think the world of you, but it is what I was taught and all I know. I feel like I could never receive a compliment without something negative to follow. So now I find myself doing it. I don't mean anything by it and I hear myself saying things that I know I should rethink before they pass my lips. It's so hard to filter for feelings when you're so used to being a certain way. And I care I do not for everyone I've said something without thought about but to the people I truly care about I am sorry. You are perfect the way you are though you may not believe me and when I say things jaded things I'm really talking about myself. I think it goes without saying that I am jaded by this world but I'm a work in progress and at least you gotten me to admit this fault of mine so congratulations because before you I didn't really see it as a "fault." I just say what's on my mind and sometimes it comes off harsh and sometimes it seems like I'm not sparing any one's feelings. not even my own...
also while we're admitting faults... I've said some things about people just random people no one I really care for, that are cruel but I wanted to say that nothing I say is ever mean spirited. ever... I see beauty in every single being on this planet... I call it like it is, sometimes that comes off as mean but I assure you it's not. I think people are beautiful and fascinating and I am amazes by how different we are, and how the same we are... so yeah I may laugh, I may say things (once again calling it like I see it, sometimes the truth is painful but everyone else is thinking the same thing I'm saying. Even you... you who doesn't have a mean bone in your body, still find yourself laughing because you were thinking the same thing you're just too nice to say it out loud)(though I think I've broken you of that because you're quick to point out some one's differently-abled-ness)(whatever it may be) sorry for bringing that side of you out because you are one of the kindest people I know but sometimes my dear makenzie we have to laugh at the world. even amidst the laughter though there is beauty... and I thank all the people out there for bringing a smile to my face and your expense... you are beautiful just the same.
I'm going on and on haven't blogged in a bit but I wanted to apologize really quickly to a few certain individuals I may have hurt (or may not sometimes I give myself too much credit) and to ones I know I've hurt so hard as this is here goes.
MaKenzie: I hope you know I'm joking about 90% of the time with you. I've said somethings I had no idea made you feel insecure or I've touched on things you're sensitive about and I want to apologize. I think you're beautiful, I think you are perfect the way you are. Granted I have a thing for imperfections but not in your case because there is nothing wrong with you inside or out. You are one of, I take that back you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I thank you for teaching me how to spread beauty and also for teaching me how to stand on my own. Thank you for knocking me off my pedestal when I need it and for putting me back on it when I fall off. you are a life saver and I think everyone should know you like I do (with the exception of the, well I won't talk about it here but know that Daddy is on a mission to please)(please) you have opened my eyes to so many things and i thank you. I'm sorry if I ever pushed your buttons I'm sorry for annoying the fuck out of you I'm sorry for being a bitch I'm sorry for anytime you felt like you were mistreated by me. We always hurt the ones we are the closest too and I apologize for the fucktard that thought up that logic. I'm sorry... I will be more intuitive to your needs and be more sensitive to your passions... (for special people)(among other things) I love you you know that... I'm working on the jaded compliments... just for you.
Hayden: my dear my dear, I need a deep breath for this and I'm not even saying it I'm typing it. We... how can I put this into words. You're not even going to read this I don't see where it matters. The personal jabs lately have been... painful yet at the same time satisfying... to see the misery in your face, to see you offended, to make you lash out back at me... I don't know what it is it hurts so bad but it makes me smile. That's not who I am. I don't want to hurt you. You're one of the last people I would ever want to hurt but I find myself saying things just to see if I can strike up any emotion in you about this situation even if it is hurt and that's not me at all. I am hurt but I knew what I was getting into which gives me no right to lash out at you. Though I would like to knock the fuck out of you just once (I could never do it) I still love you, I still care, I still miss you. I don't know it's ridiculous to feel this way about this. I'm sorry... for everything I've said. At the same time I hope it hurt because that would mean you care and for that I'm sorry as well. I don't know this post is going to be a book long if I say everything I want to say to you so I'll continue with this later... possibly... probably not but know I care about you and I didn't mean anything I said out of hurt or anger I hope you feel the same way...xx
let's see...
Stranger(R.M.R): I said well wrote several things about you that I didn't mean. I believe you know that because you seem to read me like a book. Recite my lines like a movie that you love... but that's not me at all. You never knew me as well as you thought. What you knew was a girl trying to be something she wasn't trying to be what she assumed you would like (without knowing you) Unfortunately I came off as a stranger even to myself. That girl... I don't know who she was but she's gone. I wish I could go back and just be myself with you. I'm not saying everything was lies and illusions there were glimmers of the real me but for the most part... I don't know her. If by some chance you're reading this... it was a defense mechanism to keep me from getting too close to you. I wanted to know you but keep up my walls at the same time and that never works. I won't make that mistake again. I fucked up what could have been an amazing friendship and I apologize for that. You're not lacking in the friends department so I guess what I'm saying really doesn't matter. I just want you to know... that wasn't me and I'm sorry for everything I said and for the way I acted. It was an act... I'm not who you think I am and that's what I'm sorry for most of all. I royally fucked myself over with you... when I'm wrong I admit it... now I would like to move on and start fresh, be myself for awhile... I'm open to starting over... with no pre-conceived notions no assumptions just letting it all go... if you're open... we'll see where this goes... if not... it was a pleasure meeting you... I was afraid... I wish I could tell you... but I'm more afraid that you won't listen than I am of being strangers... it's hard putting yourself out there when you feel so venerable... go back... go back to when we first met and I wrote those words I actually meant about you... that's how I really feel... that's how I still feel... sometimes I just want to go back... I know I can't... thanks for everything
so yeah that's all for now (there's many more these were just the top of the list) as this list continues to grow... I don't feel like laying all my cards "faults" on the table just yet because I'm still not sure if all of them are in fact "faults" I hope everyone saw this day like I did today because it was amazing... just breathe...xx
I have a habit of saying things out of hurt. I've noticed lately more and more this you hurt me I hurt you mentality that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm not a hurtful person it's a defense mechanism that I'm working on disarming but for those of you I've used my words against I'm truly sorry. Bare with me as I work out the kinks because I never meant to hurt you. That was never my intention. Also I give jaded compliments. I apologize for that as well because I think the world of you, but it is what I was taught and all I know. I feel like I could never receive a compliment without something negative to follow. So now I find myself doing it. I don't mean anything by it and I hear myself saying things that I know I should rethink before they pass my lips. It's so hard to filter for feelings when you're so used to being a certain way. And I care I do not for everyone I've said something without thought about but to the people I truly care about I am sorry. You are perfect the way you are though you may not believe me and when I say things jaded things I'm really talking about myself. I think it goes without saying that I am jaded by this world but I'm a work in progress and at least you gotten me to admit this fault of mine so congratulations because before you I didn't really see it as a "fault." I just say what's on my mind and sometimes it comes off harsh and sometimes it seems like I'm not sparing any one's feelings. not even my own...
also while we're admitting faults... I've said some things about people just random people no one I really care for, that are cruel but I wanted to say that nothing I say is ever mean spirited. ever... I see beauty in every single being on this planet... I call it like it is, sometimes that comes off as mean but I assure you it's not. I think people are beautiful and fascinating and I am amazes by how different we are, and how the same we are... so yeah I may laugh, I may say things (once again calling it like I see it, sometimes the truth is painful but everyone else is thinking the same thing I'm saying. Even you... you who doesn't have a mean bone in your body, still find yourself laughing because you were thinking the same thing you're just too nice to say it out loud)(though I think I've broken you of that because you're quick to point out some one's differently-abled-ness)(whatever it may be) sorry for bringing that side of you out because you are one of the kindest people I know but sometimes my dear makenzie we have to laugh at the world. even amidst the laughter though there is beauty... and I thank all the people out there for bringing a smile to my face and your expense... you are beautiful just the same.
I'm going on and on haven't blogged in a bit but I wanted to apologize really quickly to a few certain individuals I may have hurt (or may not sometimes I give myself too much credit) and to ones I know I've hurt so hard as this is here goes.
MaKenzie: I hope you know I'm joking about 90% of the time with you. I've said somethings I had no idea made you feel insecure or I've touched on things you're sensitive about and I want to apologize. I think you're beautiful, I think you are perfect the way you are. Granted I have a thing for imperfections but not in your case because there is nothing wrong with you inside or out. You are one of, I take that back you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I thank you for teaching me how to spread beauty and also for teaching me how to stand on my own. Thank you for knocking me off my pedestal when I need it and for putting me back on it when I fall off. you are a life saver and I think everyone should know you like I do (with the exception of the, well I won't talk about it here but know that Daddy is on a mission to please)(please) you have opened my eyes to so many things and i thank you. I'm sorry if I ever pushed your buttons I'm sorry for annoying the fuck out of you I'm sorry for being a bitch I'm sorry for anytime you felt like you were mistreated by me. We always hurt the ones we are the closest too and I apologize for the fucktard that thought up that logic. I'm sorry... I will be more intuitive to your needs and be more sensitive to your passions... (for special people)(among other things) I love you you know that... I'm working on the jaded compliments... just for you.
Hayden: my dear my dear, I need a deep breath for this and I'm not even saying it I'm typing it. We... how can I put this into words. You're not even going to read this I don't see where it matters. The personal jabs lately have been... painful yet at the same time satisfying... to see the misery in your face, to see you offended, to make you lash out back at me... I don't know what it is it hurts so bad but it makes me smile. That's not who I am. I don't want to hurt you. You're one of the last people I would ever want to hurt but I find myself saying things just to see if I can strike up any emotion in you about this situation even if it is hurt and that's not me at all. I am hurt but I knew what I was getting into which gives me no right to lash out at you. Though I would like to knock the fuck out of you just once (I could never do it) I still love you, I still care, I still miss you. I don't know it's ridiculous to feel this way about this. I'm sorry... for everything I've said. At the same time I hope it hurt because that would mean you care and for that I'm sorry as well. I don't know this post is going to be a book long if I say everything I want to say to you so I'll continue with this later... possibly... probably not but know I care about you and I didn't mean anything I said out of hurt or anger I hope you feel the same way...xx
let's see...
Stranger(R.M.R): I said well wrote several things about you that I didn't mean. I believe you know that because you seem to read me like a book. Recite my lines like a movie that you love... but that's not me at all. You never knew me as well as you thought. What you knew was a girl trying to be something she wasn't trying to be what she assumed you would like (without knowing you) Unfortunately I came off as a stranger even to myself. That girl... I don't know who she was but she's gone. I wish I could go back and just be myself with you. I'm not saying everything was lies and illusions there were glimmers of the real me but for the most part... I don't know her. If by some chance you're reading this... it was a defense mechanism to keep me from getting too close to you. I wanted to know you but keep up my walls at the same time and that never works. I won't make that mistake again. I fucked up what could have been an amazing friendship and I apologize for that. You're not lacking in the friends department so I guess what I'm saying really doesn't matter. I just want you to know... that wasn't me and I'm sorry for everything I said and for the way I acted. It was an act... I'm not who you think I am and that's what I'm sorry for most of all. I royally fucked myself over with you... when I'm wrong I admit it... now I would like to move on and start fresh, be myself for awhile... I'm open to starting over... with no pre-conceived notions no assumptions just letting it all go... if you're open... we'll see where this goes... if not... it was a pleasure meeting you... I was afraid... I wish I could tell you... but I'm more afraid that you won't listen than I am of being strangers... it's hard putting yourself out there when you feel so venerable... go back... go back to when we first met and I wrote those words I actually meant about you... that's how I really feel... that's how I still feel... sometimes I just want to go back... I know I can't... thanks for everything
so yeah that's all for now (there's many more these were just the top of the list) as this list continues to grow... I don't feel like laying all my cards "faults" on the table just yet because I'm still not sure if all of them are in fact "faults" I hope everyone saw this day like I did today because it was amazing... just breathe...xx
Monday, December 11, 2006
My heart is also in motion...
He's never going to look at me with the same filter on his lens again. I'm not the new and fresh girl he saw. He's not intrigued by me anymore if he ever was. I'm not his escape he's not my savior. I stopped falling into old habits while I was around him that's true enough but after this untimely breakage I'm worse than before. Tragic, tragic the games we play. The hurtful things that pass our lips without thought and at the same time carefully thought out. Still, I don't suppose I would change a thing, being an avid believer of not believing in regret. It happened for a reason. There was a lesson learned and learned well. It hurts deeper than these tears, deeper than these words, and far deeper than the smile I fake around him. Fake... That's exactly how I feel lately. I feel like I'm living a lie. I've felt like this before. I thought I was more myself than ever but he changed me into something I never wanted to be to begin with. I wonder if he realizes just how much I've changed. Can I go back? Am I still the girl I was before? Or have I become tainted by this secret? Please tell me I can go back. Be myself again... How can I go back to being myself when I don't even know who I am anymore?
The sad thing is... I don't know if it was him I wanted... or was it just nice to feel wanted... I know I can do much better, but I never felt like I was settling. We're too different and it was doomed from the start. Then why am I so surprised it ended? Why? I knew it was going to happen. Everything ends... I shouldn't have let it go as far as it did... I was in control until I lost control... I don't know for a moment I believed in faerie tales again. I believed I was going to save him and he was going to save me from myself... Faerie tales aren't real. I knew that. I know that. There is no happy ending for us... There is nothing there that wasn't there before. No music, no magic, no beauty, no love, no taking animals or enchanted castles, no knights on white horses... Just this raw, unmerciful, real world where two beings acted on something because it was forbidden and for no other reason. I can't give you a reason. I should have kept my emotions out of it and I wouldn't be hurting now. Maybe I should disassociate my emotions they do nothing but ruin me. Past experience leads me to believe emotions are something that should be discarded along with the idea of love. My ideas of Love are wrong very wrong. Pre-conceived notions of something I've only ever heard of until now will be the death of me. My expectations of love have been cut down to size and knocked off the pedestal I kept him on. He's not a saint. He's not a martyr. He's just a stupid man who wanted what he couldn't have and got a taste of what will never be. We will never be... and it's for the best. I lost sight of my goals and myself I can do better... but... there's something inside of me that still wants to take him to the top with me. I still think he deserves it... I hope he has the best life he can possibly have. His best isn't the same as my best and I know that now. His happiness is very different from mine.
I'll only look back on this tragic affair with fond memories. He opened my eyes on how some things are and somethings aren't. He woke me up to reality and I thank him for that. He made me feel for a moment and I also thank him for that. This was a growing experience and I have grown... now... I move along... a little broken, a little sore, a little battered but no longer jaded. I will only take the good from this and leave the bad to fall behind me. I stopped in my tracks for a moment. I fell to the floor, dropped to my knees, cried my heart out, set the ribbon of release free but now the wounds are healing my heart is back where it belongs, the tears are becoming more scarce and I'm standing again. I'm standing, I'm walking, I'm moving... my hand is out should you need it... I know you are still on your knees... I may fall again that's true... but I will help you before I help myself so you are going to get through this... never alone... we will walk on stable ground again... we will love again... and we will learn... we will breathe easier... our fake smiles will become real... our hearts will beat without pain with every rush of blood... getting out of bed will be more than just a chore... things will be beautiful again you'll see... as raw and real as this world is there is still beauty.. take the beauty from the breaking and leave the rest... you are stronger than this... and you are not as lost as you think... all you need do is look to the night sky for guidance, look to rain on a hot summers day, look to the peace you feel in our secret place, there is beauty and hope all around us... there is movement.., allow yourself to move... allow yourself to grow... you're broken now but you are not beyond repair... I'm speaking to you... don't let this encumber you... move... not because you have to... but because you can... I love you... I admire you and I will help you as you have helped me... I believe in you... you're not crazy you're not losing it you're not anything negative in this world. I can think of no negative word to describe you or the person you are so don't let this hold you back from spreading your beauty and passion and light in this world.
I'm rambling... you know I think the world of you and I believe I am going to get through this simply because you told me I would... I have faith because of you... I have hope because of you... I am alive because of you... you said I saved you but I think it's the other way around... you saved me and in the process saved yourself... I thank you for your unconditional love... I know what that is because of you...
The sad thing is... I don't know if it was him I wanted... or was it just nice to feel wanted... I know I can do much better, but I never felt like I was settling. We're too different and it was doomed from the start. Then why am I so surprised it ended? Why? I knew it was going to happen. Everything ends... I shouldn't have let it go as far as it did... I was in control until I lost control... I don't know for a moment I believed in faerie tales again. I believed I was going to save him and he was going to save me from myself... Faerie tales aren't real. I knew that. I know that. There is no happy ending for us... There is nothing there that wasn't there before. No music, no magic, no beauty, no love, no taking animals or enchanted castles, no knights on white horses... Just this raw, unmerciful, real world where two beings acted on something because it was forbidden and for no other reason. I can't give you a reason. I should have kept my emotions out of it and I wouldn't be hurting now. Maybe I should disassociate my emotions they do nothing but ruin me. Past experience leads me to believe emotions are something that should be discarded along with the idea of love. My ideas of Love are wrong very wrong. Pre-conceived notions of something I've only ever heard of until now will be the death of me. My expectations of love have been cut down to size and knocked off the pedestal I kept him on. He's not a saint. He's not a martyr. He's just a stupid man who wanted what he couldn't have and got a taste of what will never be. We will never be... and it's for the best. I lost sight of my goals and myself I can do better... but... there's something inside of me that still wants to take him to the top with me. I still think he deserves it... I hope he has the best life he can possibly have. His best isn't the same as my best and I know that now. His happiness is very different from mine.
I'll only look back on this tragic affair with fond memories. He opened my eyes on how some things are and somethings aren't. He woke me up to reality and I thank him for that. He made me feel for a moment and I also thank him for that. This was a growing experience and I have grown... now... I move along... a little broken, a little sore, a little battered but no longer jaded. I will only take the good from this and leave the bad to fall behind me. I stopped in my tracks for a moment. I fell to the floor, dropped to my knees, cried my heart out, set the ribbon of release free but now the wounds are healing my heart is back where it belongs, the tears are becoming more scarce and I'm standing again. I'm standing, I'm walking, I'm moving... my hand is out should you need it... I know you are still on your knees... I may fall again that's true... but I will help you before I help myself so you are going to get through this... never alone... we will walk on stable ground again... we will love again... and we will learn... we will breathe easier... our fake smiles will become real... our hearts will beat without pain with every rush of blood... getting out of bed will be more than just a chore... things will be beautiful again you'll see... as raw and real as this world is there is still beauty.. take the beauty from the breaking and leave the rest... you are stronger than this... and you are not as lost as you think... all you need do is look to the night sky for guidance, look to rain on a hot summers day, look to the peace you feel in our secret place, there is beauty and hope all around us... there is movement.., allow yourself to move... allow yourself to grow... you're broken now but you are not beyond repair... I'm speaking to you... don't let this encumber you... move... not because you have to... but because you can... I love you... I admire you and I will help you as you have helped me... I believe in you... you're not crazy you're not losing it you're not anything negative in this world. I can think of no negative word to describe you or the person you are so don't let this hold you back from spreading your beauty and passion and light in this world.
I'm rambling... you know I think the world of you and I believe I am going to get through this simply because you told me I would... I have faith because of you... I have hope because of you... I am alive because of you... you said I saved you but I think it's the other way around... you saved me and in the process saved yourself... I thank you for your unconditional love... I know what that is because of you...
Friday, December 08, 2006
You were never enough
and you never will be....
And I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with the fact that you will never be what I wanted or desperately needed. Even now when you have a chance to change our relationship you won't because you don't want to and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with you walking out. I'm okay with you pretending like you cared. I'm okay with you lying sweetly. I'm okay with your fake smile. I'm okay with the fact that you chose something/someone over me. I'm okay with feeling abandoned. I'm okay with being jaded. I'm okay with the fake smile I carry on. You taught me well. I'm okay seeing you like that. I'm okay seeing you miserable. (insert smile). I'm okay with the bed you've made and clearly chosen. I'm okay feeling not good enough. I'm okay being tainted. I'm okay being compromised. I'm okay feeling broken. I'm okay feeling lost. I'm okay with the pain I feel every time I look at you. I'm okay with the eye contact I give that you don't deserve. I okay knowing that I am the fool in this situation. I'm okay with the rumors. I'm okay with the whispers. I'm okay with the stares. I'm okay with the scars. I'm okay making more. I'm okay with the promises you didn't make. I'm okay with the promises you broke. I'm okay when I'm crying. I'm okay when I see you. I'm okay on the inside. I'm okay on the out. I'm okay feeling caged. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. I'M so O-FUCKING-KAY I could scream...xx
And I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with the fact that you will never be what I wanted or desperately needed. Even now when you have a chance to change our relationship you won't because you don't want to and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with you walking out. I'm okay with you pretending like you cared. I'm okay with you lying sweetly. I'm okay with your fake smile. I'm okay with the fact that you chose something/someone over me. I'm okay with feeling abandoned. I'm okay with being jaded. I'm okay with the fake smile I carry on. You taught me well. I'm okay seeing you like that. I'm okay seeing you miserable. (insert smile)
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Sometimes I Wish...
He hadn't kissed me.
Things were so much easier before that. So much more innocent and pure. Things have gone down hill since then. Just completely different than they are they were. I feel different. I look at him differently. I'm sure he looks at me differently. I know I've said it before but I really feel so compromised. I hate this feeling. I feel it today. Part of me wants to say fuck it. We're both adults what we did has no consequence. Just two people enjoying each others company nothing more nothing less. I wish I had told myself that before I got emotionally attached. It doesn't matter anyways every man I have ever loved has abandoned me at some point so you think I would be used to it. It still hurts. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to keep him. Anything I could have said to make him choose me. I'm judging myself at all angles in this situation. I'm not good enough, I wasn't compromising enough, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's him. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will know. What I do know is that for more than a moment he was mine. For more than a moment we were the only two people just breathing in the breath of our existence. For a moment I was on top of the world. I was happy. I was home. I was free. I was everything I wanted to be. Amazing feeling I hope I feel it again for more than a moment. I hope this time there's not a voice in the back of my head saying he'll never be completely yours.
I know I deserve much better than he could ever give me. But I wanted to give him everything my hopes my fears my dreams my life. I'm glad I've got my head back on straight. I still love him though. I knew better but I will take what I got from this and learn. I have learned many, many things and I'm thankful to my teacher as bittersweet as it is. I still maintain that I wish the best for him. I still just want him to be happy regardless of my feelings. His happiness means more to me than my own. I've never felt like this. I hope he's happy right now. I hope he has a full happy life. He's a good man even if all he'll ever be to me is a memory...xx
Things were so much easier before that. So much more innocent and pure. Things have gone down hill since then. Just completely different than they are they were. I feel different. I look at him differently. I'm sure he looks at me differently. I know I've said it before but I really feel so compromised. I hate this feeling. I feel it today. Part of me wants to say fuck it. We're both adults what we did has no consequence. Just two people enjoying each others company nothing more nothing less. I wish I had told myself that before I got emotionally attached. It doesn't matter anyways every man I have ever loved has abandoned me at some point so you think I would be used to it. It still hurts. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to keep him. Anything I could have said to make him choose me. I'm judging myself at all angles in this situation. I'm not good enough, I wasn't compromising enough, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's him. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will know. What I do know is that for more than a moment he was mine. For more than a moment we were the only two people just breathing in the breath of our existence. For a moment I was on top of the world. I was happy. I was home. I was free. I was everything I wanted to be. Amazing feeling I hope I feel it again for more than a moment. I hope this time there's not a voice in the back of my head saying he'll never be completely yours.
I know I deserve much better than he could ever give me. But I wanted to give him everything my hopes my fears my dreams my life. I'm glad I've got my head back on straight. I still love him though. I knew better but I will take what I got from this and learn. I have learned many, many things and I'm thankful to my teacher as bittersweet as it is. I still maintain that I wish the best for him. I still just want him to be happy regardless of my feelings. His happiness means more to me than my own. I've never felt like this. I hope he's happy right now. I hope he has a full happy life. He's a good man even if all he'll ever be to me is a memory...xx
Friday, December 01, 2006
So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song blood on my hands to stay strong
You still can't make me cry
you've pinned this butterfly down
My fire's burning out
kill my flame without a frown
And starving hurts the soul
when you're hungry for
some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly above and..
Tell me this will end soon. Tell me I'll move on. Tell me there's a place I can call home. A place I belong. A place full of infinite freedom. A place that makes all the pain I'm feeling now worth it. Tell me there's hope for me... They say pain lets you know you're alive. Well if that's true I am very alive, more alive than I've ever been in my life. I hate feeling like this. Were the good times worth it? Were the little moments I felt worth this? Is he worth this? Does he care? I'm still not sure... All I know is that I feel like an idiot. God I feel so compromised. So not myself. I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror. I am everything I never thought I would be and that scares the shit out of me, that some man can have so much control over me. That I can completely change the person I was for someone other than myself. I thought I was strong with who I was, what I believed in but it turns out I'm as weak as everyone else. Well, not anymore. I'm going back to the way I was. I'm done being someone I'm not. Falling in love with him made me slowly start to hate the person I was becoming. I'm not that person. I can't be that person. So I'm not going to. I'm done. I'm out. I'm going back to being me not some compromised contradiction shadow of myself. I am strong. I am worthy. I deserve better.
He's talking to me again. I don't know how I feel about it. I want to be friends but I want him to realize he can't fuck with my emotions anymore. If he doesn't care then just come out and say it. I'll live... really...
This is my fault and now I'm going to fix it... I should have known better... stupid girl...xx
you've pinned this butterfly down
My fire's burning out
kill my flame without a frown
And starving hurts the soul
when you're hungry for
some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly above and..
Tell me this will end soon. Tell me I'll move on. Tell me there's a place I can call home. A place I belong. A place full of infinite freedom. A place that makes all the pain I'm feeling now worth it. Tell me there's hope for me... They say pain lets you know you're alive. Well if that's true I am very alive, more alive than I've ever been in my life. I hate feeling like this. Were the good times worth it? Were the little moments I felt worth this? Is he worth this? Does he care? I'm still not sure... All I know is that I feel like an idiot. God I feel so compromised. So not myself. I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror. I am everything I never thought I would be and that scares the shit out of me, that some man can have so much control over me. That I can completely change the person I was for someone other than myself. I thought I was strong with who I was, what I believed in but it turns out I'm as weak as everyone else. Well, not anymore. I'm going back to the way I was. I'm done being someone I'm not. Falling in love with him made me slowly start to hate the person I was becoming. I'm not that person. I can't be that person. So I'm not going to. I'm done. I'm out. I'm going back to being me not some compromised contradiction shadow of myself. I am strong. I am worthy. I deserve better.
He's talking to me again. I don't know how I feel about it. I want to be friends but I want him to realize he can't fuck with my emotions anymore. If he doesn't care then just come out and say it. I'll live... really...
This is my fault and now I'm going to fix it... I should have known better... stupid girl...xx
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Life Update
This holding it together thing feels like trying to hold water in a balloon with holes punched in it. I think it's easier when he's not around. I'm honestly in a daze. I'm not depressed. I'm emotional. I do miss him alot but I'm not sad. No, I am sad it's just a different sort of sad. A hopeful sad. If that makes any sense at all. Maybe I'm still deluding myself I don't know, sometimes I feel like a fool. I feel used. I know that was not his intention though I don't know what his intention was I just feel odd. I've never been in this situation. I feel like a kid dropped off at school for the first time kind of abandoned, frightened and just... Confused. We could start with eye contact and move on from there. I think that would be a good start. I still don't regret anything. I still don't plan on it. I don't believe in regret once again. Everything that happens has reason though you may not ever find out why. There is a reason for us.
Moving on...
Got a new addition. She's a cutey. Still thinking of a name. She's an ankle biter but I have hope that one day she'll move on to atleast calves.
Lamarjorie is still living with me. I love it. It's nice to have someone to sleep with. It's comforting in a heterosexual life partner kinda way.
Brantley leaves the 14th only time will tell how this story goes.
what to say what to say.
hung out at the spot last night for the first time in awhile. I was alittle uncomfortable at first.
Michael came to Milledgeville. He's the same but different. I love that man. He's pretty effen kick ass in my eyes.
Oh also I have a "stalker" yeah funny story I'll tell later.
Blitz was fun other than the harassment but honestly I've gotten used to it so I say continue running your fucking mouth you filthy whore you'll get yours in the end I guarantee it. You should seriously consider sweeping around your own doorstep because the shadiness and shit you're doing is on your heals and it's only a matter of time before you get caught in the act. If you hurt him you will fucking regret it until the day you die bitch. Believe me.
Woh went moderately crazy. I'm protective of people I love what can I say.
Not much else really. Going to bed. I love being a creature of the night seriously 10am as a bed time is my idea of a good time... one more day of work and then freedom. Lord get me through this.
Not work I can handle that on my own.
I need a miracle I need it fast I know you're listening. I feel you. Here's the thing I know something is going on I feel that too. Just let me know. I know everything happens for a reason. I know something is about to happen. . . It's a feeling I can't explain like waiting for that first leaf of fall to drop you know it's coming you know more will follow but all you can do is wait. I'm waiting... I'm watching... I'm listening open heartedly. I know things will end up like they're supposed to... I know there's a plan for me. I'm ready... For the first time... I'm ready...
Moving on...
Got a new addition. She's a cutey. Still thinking of a name. She's an ankle biter but I have hope that one day she'll move on to atleast calves.
Lamarjorie is still living with me. I love it. It's nice to have someone to sleep with. It's comforting in a heterosexual life partner kinda way.
Brantley leaves the 14th only time will tell how this story goes.
what to say what to say.
hung out at the spot last night for the first time in awhile. I was alittle uncomfortable at first.
Michael came to Milledgeville. He's the same but different. I love that man. He's pretty effen kick ass in my eyes.
Oh also I have a "stalker" yeah funny story I'll tell later.
Blitz was fun other than the harassment but honestly I've gotten used to it so I say continue running your fucking mouth you filthy whore you'll get yours in the end I guarantee it. You should seriously consider sweeping around your own doorstep because the shadiness and shit you're doing is on your heals and it's only a matter of time before you get caught in the act. If you hurt him you will fucking regret it until the day you die bitch. Believe me.
Woh went moderately crazy. I'm protective of people I love what can I say.
Not much else really. Going to bed. I love being a creature of the night seriously 10am as a bed time is my idea of a good time... one more day of work and then freedom. Lord get me through this.
Not work I can handle that on my own.
I need a miracle I need it fast I know you're listening. I feel you. Here's the thing I know something is going on I feel that too. Just let me know. I know everything happens for a reason. I know something is about to happen. . . It's a feeling I can't explain like waiting for that first leaf of fall to drop you know it's coming you know more will follow but all you can do is wait. I'm waiting... I'm watching... I'm listening open heartedly. I know things will end up like they're supposed to... I know there's a plan for me. I'm ready... For the first time... I'm ready...
Thursday, November 23, 2006
If you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting...
I miss him more than I've missed anyone in my life but I know this is for the best... I'm not giving up on him but I'm not waiting on him either. I'm not saying I'm placing myself completely out there on the market but should opportunity arise I definitely won't turn it down. I've already done that once and I don't regret it but I did lose a friend out of it which sucks. Not that, that was the only reason but I'm sure it was a factor in my mind atleast.
I wish him and you ever happiness in the world and I'm thankful to have know him. I'm thankful to finally know what love is even if it is bittersweet. I've decided to not be jaded by the events that have taken place. I knew what I was getting into before the "relationship" started. I knew he couldn't be mine.
My timing is ALWAYS off but atleast I have learned how to open myself up and how to love unconditionally how to love in general and I thank him for that. He'll never know how much I thank him for that.
He is an amazing man and I hope we can move past this years down the line and be friends. It's all we should have been to begin with. He's one of the best friends I've ever had and I thank him for that as well. I miss talking to him. I hope we talk like we did again soon.
I hope years down the line we'll meet up again and the timing will be better this time. I hope he's happy. I hope he will be happy.
I miss Lamarjorie. I miss her a lot I've been on my own for a week now and I've realized she isn't my crutch. Yes she is an enormous factor in my life but I can survive without her. I just don't want to. I'm thankful for you Lamarjorie more than you'll ever know. You say I helped save you but the truth is you saved me. You've made me so open to things I never would have experienced on my own. I thank you for breaking down my walls and helping me to see the beautiful person I am. I thank you for helping me to see me threw your eyes. I thank you for helping me see how beautiful the world can be. You are amazing. You are everything good in this world and I hope you find your happiness one day as well. You deserve it more than anyone I know. I love you unconditionally and true.
Hope everyone has a reason to be thankful today and I hope everyone expresses they're love and gratitude to the ones in their lives...
Life is wonderful. life is beautiful. life is worth all the pain and hurt because of people like you. you make like easier. you make like beautiful...xx
I wish him and you ever happiness in the world and I'm thankful to have know him. I'm thankful to finally know what love is even if it is bittersweet. I've decided to not be jaded by the events that have taken place. I knew what I was getting into before the "relationship" started. I knew he couldn't be mine.
My timing is ALWAYS off but atleast I have learned how to open myself up and how to love unconditionally how to love in general and I thank him for that. He'll never know how much I thank him for that.
He is an amazing man and I hope we can move past this years down the line and be friends. It's all we should have been to begin with. He's one of the best friends I've ever had and I thank him for that as well. I miss talking to him. I hope we talk like we did again soon.
I hope years down the line we'll meet up again and the timing will be better this time. I hope he's happy. I hope he will be happy.
I miss Lamarjorie. I miss her a lot I've been on my own for a week now and I've realized she isn't my crutch. Yes she is an enormous factor in my life but I can survive without her. I just don't want to. I'm thankful for you Lamarjorie more than you'll ever know. You say I helped save you but the truth is you saved me. You've made me so open to things I never would have experienced on my own. I thank you for breaking down my walls and helping me to see the beautiful person I am. I thank you for helping me to see me threw your eyes. I thank you for helping me see how beautiful the world can be. You are amazing. You are everything good in this world and I hope you find your happiness one day as well. You deserve it more than anyone I know. I love you unconditionally and true.
Hope everyone has a reason to be thankful today and I hope everyone expresses they're love and gratitude to the ones in their lives...
Life is wonderful. life is beautiful. life is worth all the pain and hurt because of people like you. you make like easier. you make like beautiful...xx
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Will you be there in the end my January Friend
I'm in the market for a new job once again. It's the holiday season and work during the holiday season is hell. I know it won't last but I'm more and more restless everytime I walk through those doors. I used to like my job. I used to be excited about going to work but now it's really turned into a prison. I know it's only temporary but I feel trapped sometimes. Most times... I'm finding more and more reasons to just walk out the door. Tell them to fuck off, but that's not me. I'm not a quitter anymore. Sigh... This blows. I wish I had stayed on dayshift sometimes.
Lamarjorie has been out. I don't know if she even has a job anymore. Hayden has been out as well sick. So I've been alone which doesn't make it any better. If Lamarjorie is fired I'm walking then I'm going to apply everywhere and try to find a normal job. Hayden is leaving as well so there's really nothing holding me there except for the money which isn't so bad but in the long run isn't worth it.
I start school in January. I just have to hold out until then... I can't wait to go back I'm excited.
But yeah not much else going on. Thanksgiving is almost here. I miss my family. I miss being able to spend time with them. This job has taken over my life...
Lamarjorie has been out. I don't know if she even has a job anymore. Hayden has been out as well sick. So I've been alone which doesn't make it any better. If Lamarjorie is fired I'm walking then I'm going to apply everywhere and try to find a normal job. Hayden is leaving as well so there's really nothing holding me there except for the money which isn't so bad but in the long run isn't worth it.
I start school in January. I just have to hold out until then... I can't wait to go back I'm excited.
But yeah not much else going on. Thanksgiving is almost here. I miss my family. I miss being able to spend time with them. This job has taken over my life...
Saturday, November 18, 2006
There is beauty in the breaking
I am constantly impressed with life. I was going to post some newer memories but I'm going to save them for later. I realized that even in the hardest moments of my life there is still beauty to be found. Like with my current situation yeah it sucks yes it hurts yes at moments I feel like I'm dying but the beauty in all of it is that I know what love is. For the first time in my life I am in love. I've never been in love and now I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to be selfless and not care about anything else in the world except another's well being. I care about that man more than myself. I would give him anything, do anything. I would die to save him. It's odd to feel so invincible and frail at the same time. I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope. It's exciting. The anticipation the fear the natural high of being so far up in the clouds. There are so many emotions flowing through my body at once that I feel like at any second I'm going to fall. Just fall. The only thing I am uncertain about in this situation is if there's a safety net. Honestly I don't care. I've already gone over the edge. Past the point of no return, if you will. I know there's no going back. The only direction I can go is forward and I'm so anxious to see how my story will end up. Even if I don't end up with him I know what love is and feels like and it's because of him. It's odd how just a kiss can knock your world upside down, change all you believe to be true and secure.
It started out with a kiss
It was only a kiss
I'm awake I'm alive I'm in love... It really is too late for me... I think I've stopped staring at the infinite abyss and finally taken the leap of faith...xx
It started out with a kiss
It was only a kiss
I'm awake I'm alive I'm in love... It really is too late for me... I think I've stopped staring at the infinite abyss and finally taken the leap of faith...xx
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Hey remember that time...
If it's not one thing it's another I swear but you know what... Fuck it... Seriously... I'm broke all the time... I have no clue what I want to do with my life... My job is shit... But honestly if that's all that's going wrong I really have nothing to complain about... People are dying of diseases we have cures for... I'm just your average broke college "drop out". I don't think there's really any comparison there. So moving on...
Hey remember that(those) time(s)...
My favorite colors were pink and purple
I had a solid white cat with no tail, one green eye and one blue eye who hopped like a bunny and sat like a human
my first pets name was catwoman
I hit my cousin with a lead pipe before I was even in elementary school because he was a little shit and now he's one of my best friends
The first music video I ever saw was a Madonna video
I used to play in my walk in closet because my dad would sleep on my bed instead of watching me this is one of my only memories of him
I used to carry around a little karaoke cassette player when I was a kid
I like gunea pigs I used to have several
I love penguins I want several
We went to the mountains to see my grandmother and toured a cave I thought it would be cool to live there this is one of my only memories of my grandmother
when we built a home from scratch out in the boondocks and I would give anything to buy that house today
we would pull over and rescue turtles on the side of the road and set them free in the woods behind our house (stickered and released)
when Luke and Joseph would jump in Jack the Billy goats cage and make him mad then they would jump onto of his house so he would head but the house instead of them
my dog who was names boobs and would bite any kid but me
that time that water moccasin was in our boat and everyone jumped out into the pond except me
when shepherds pie was my favorite meal ever
when you kissed me behind the bushes in elementary school even though you were seeing two other girls besides me at the time
when I gave you a white rose because I couldn't meet you because I had other plans
when you called me cosmopolitan calico for a few months after I bleached the black out of my hair
when we'd stay on the phone for hours talking about digimon (when I was 15) you were the only other person I knew who watched that show besides me
when you would come to my house and play tomb raider I loved to watch you play you were so passionate about it
when you would come over to see her but end up falling asleep on my bed
us video taping you sleeping
SEA-MENT and PEE-CANS
when I was your glowworm
when you were my panda
Everytime it would rain we would run outside with no shoes on and play in our dirt drive way until it stopped and we were soaked
that time we saw Mr.Freeman even though he had died the day before
when we would play cops and robbers riding our bikes as fast as we could peddle down our paved driveway
when we hung up sheets and lit candles and made our dining room into a Italian restraunt and cooked for you (even though we didn't make Italian food)
the drives back and forth to south Carolina listening to Jason mraz speeding through the city and driving below the speed limit through the country talking to God feeling something bigger than yourself
midnight "prayer" sessions on the baseball field across from our house where we did everything but pray
putting together a trampoline the night before Christmas for Cheyenne and Gunner and getting sick because it was so cold
riding four wheelers until our thighs and legs could barely move they were so soar
push up popsicles on hot summer days
playing in the creek deep in the woods
drinking from well water
playing in your attic
your grandmother from Chili
only swimming at night "final judgment"
making a fort on the back porch and sleeping out there all night
Spells, Magic, being scared shitless
running away to Columbus
Washington D.C. at night the ride there and back
Destin Florida
Charleston South Carolina
Baltimore
Kissamee
sitting on the front row at sea world
driving to your parents house in Tennessee on the spur of a moment to be at your sisters 18th birthday party
when I had an Alice in wonderland complex
when you had a peter pan complex
We all we needed was our imagination to be free
The tire swing
playing soccer in the huge field outside our house
porkcop
Cody the smartest dog in the world
Buffy My Third Aunt
Cochie, Niki, Spanki, Beauty, Dakota, Prince, Shawn, Kal, John, Tinkerbell, Kelly, Nick, Lance, Rocky, Kristin, Precious, Cluney, Ashley, Smokey, Reeces, Alex, and countless other furry friends
running down the hill to recess
when your road used to flood everytime it rained
how you called me bite me and Kelsey radiator face
that time we made that cool book and got caught
when you told me I was so close to being an angel it was scary and I asked why I wasn't and you told me sarcasm was my demon
when I got drunk for the first time at 13 off of daiquiris
playing the heretic
Monkey Island
Loom
Kings Quest
Sonic the Hedgehog
Spyro
when you took me to see hocus pocus because my dad canceled on me
the first time I cussed in front of my mom (I said fuck)
the first time I made a C I cried
Ah old memories the next post will be newer ones. I was just recalling how many highlights I've had in this short life of mine...xx
Hey remember that(those) time(s)...
My favorite colors were pink and purple
I had a solid white cat with no tail, one green eye and one blue eye who hopped like a bunny and sat like a human
my first pets name was catwoman
I hit my cousin with a lead pipe before I was even in elementary school because he was a little shit and now he's one of my best friends
The first music video I ever saw was a Madonna video
I used to play in my walk in closet because my dad would sleep on my bed instead of watching me this is one of my only memories of him
I used to carry around a little karaoke cassette player when I was a kid
I like gunea pigs I used to have several
I love penguins I want several
We went to the mountains to see my grandmother and toured a cave I thought it would be cool to live there this is one of my only memories of my grandmother
when we built a home from scratch out in the boondocks and I would give anything to buy that house today
we would pull over and rescue turtles on the side of the road and set them free in the woods behind our house (stickered and released)
when Luke and Joseph would jump in Jack the Billy goats cage and make him mad then they would jump onto of his house so he would head but the house instead of them
my dog who was names boobs and would bite any kid but me
that time that water moccasin was in our boat and everyone jumped out into the pond except me
when shepherds pie was my favorite meal ever
when you kissed me behind the bushes in elementary school even though you were seeing two other girls besides me at the time
when I gave you a white rose because I couldn't meet you because I had other plans
when you called me cosmopolitan calico for a few months after I bleached the black out of my hair
when we'd stay on the phone for hours talking about digimon (when I was 15) you were the only other person I knew who watched that show besides me
when you would come to my house and play tomb raider I loved to watch you play you were so passionate about it
when you would come over to see her but end up falling asleep on my bed
us video taping you sleeping
SEA-MENT and PEE-CANS
when I was your glowworm
when you were my panda
Everytime it would rain we would run outside with no shoes on and play in our dirt drive way until it stopped and we were soaked
that time we saw Mr.Freeman even though he had died the day before
when we would play cops and robbers riding our bikes as fast as we could peddle down our paved driveway
when we hung up sheets and lit candles and made our dining room into a Italian restraunt and cooked for you (even though we didn't make Italian food)
the drives back and forth to south Carolina listening to Jason mraz speeding through the city and driving below the speed limit through the country talking to God feeling something bigger than yourself
midnight "prayer" sessions on the baseball field across from our house where we did everything but pray
putting together a trampoline the night before Christmas for Cheyenne and Gunner and getting sick because it was so cold
riding four wheelers until our thighs and legs could barely move they were so soar
push up popsicles on hot summer days
playing in the creek deep in the woods
drinking from well water
playing in your attic
your grandmother from Chili
only swimming at night "final judgment"
making a fort on the back porch and sleeping out there all night
Spells, Magic, being scared shitless
running away to Columbus
Washington D.C. at night the ride there and back
Destin Florida
Charleston South Carolina
Baltimore
Kissamee
sitting on the front row at sea world
driving to your parents house in Tennessee on the spur of a moment to be at your sisters 18th birthday party
when I had an Alice in wonderland complex
when you had a peter pan complex
We all we needed was our imagination to be free
The tire swing
playing soccer in the huge field outside our house
porkcop
Cody the smartest dog in the world
Buffy My Third Aunt
Cochie, Niki, Spanki, Beauty, Dakota, Prince, Shawn, Kal, John, Tinkerbell, Kelly, Nick, Lance, Rocky, Kristin, Precious, Cluney, Ashley, Smokey, Reeces, Alex, and countless other furry friends
running down the hill to recess
when your road used to flood everytime it rained
how you called me bite me and Kelsey radiator face
that time we made that cool book and got caught
when you told me I was so close to being an angel it was scary and I asked why I wasn't and you told me sarcasm was my demon
when I got drunk for the first time at 13 off of daiquiris
playing the heretic
Monkey Island
Loom
Kings Quest
Sonic the Hedgehog
Spyro
when you took me to see hocus pocus because my dad canceled on me
the first time I cussed in front of my mom (I said fuck)
the first time I made a C I cried
Ah old memories the next post will be newer ones. I was just recalling how many highlights I've had in this short life of mine...xx
Thursday, November 09, 2006
R/-\ND[]M TH/-\T F[]LL[]\/\/S
Little life updates and such...
played Guitar hero 2 at jeremy's and Beth. I must say I'm moderately impressed. The graphics are better the songs are well the list could have been better but there are several good songs. Not really as impressed with the "unknown" bands so far though and that was my favorite part of the first game. I give it 4 out of 5 stars just the same.
Life life life... I'm still having this feeling of wanting to break out. Break lose. Do something insanely crazy. We bought spray paint. Not saying what our plans are just saying we have plans. I want to misbehave. Haven't pulled any pranks in quite a while.
He still isn't talking to me. Not that it's a big loss his facade is far more interesting that the person I encountered. I found him childish at inappropriate times lifeless more than not and dull except for the few moments when he wasn't hmm better yet when he was himself. I'm sure it's a misconception guess we'll never know. Like I said not really a concern of mine. He's not the only original person in this world.
The "affair" is kind of stagnant at the moment. Kinda slowed down. I don't know. I don't think it's over but it's defiantly on pause, which is good because I needed time to think and I'm pretty sure I have my priorities straight now. Eh we'll see, no use worrying about something I have no control over.
I think we're going to see Joseph Monday in FL he moved down there a month or so ago and he's been begging us to come see some drag show which I'm excited about. Never been to one it sounds fun. I hope we get to go. I need a break from this fucking town and the people in it.
Let's see random, random, random...
Beth's talking about losing a bunch of weight and joining the army. I'm trying to talk her out of it because I think it's a mistake. I support her in any decision she makes but I don't have to like it. I think she feels like she has messed up college and this is how she can redeem herself which is complete bullshit. She only messed up a couple of semesters not her life. I wish she could see she can get back on track if she puts her mind to it just like me.
I'm planning on going back in January I've said that before so I'll believe it when I see it.
Oh I talked to Johnny like the past three days it's weird like talking to a ghost. I missed him. He used to be my best friend. We'll see how that goes.
And also one of my very good friends for a good while Michael is coming back to milledgeville to see me so I'm excited. He's amazing and was an amazing friend at a time when I needed him so it will be good to see him.
Not much else going on. kinda bored with things as a general but the holidays are coming and I know things will be better soon.
I smoked my last cigarette. Sort of. I'll explain later. I'll explain why I felt I needed to quit as well.
other than that not much else to report... Hope your life is more interesting at mine...xx
played Guitar hero 2 at jeremy's and Beth. I must say I'm moderately impressed. The graphics are better the songs are well the list could have been better but there are several good songs. Not really as impressed with the "unknown" bands so far though and that was my favorite part of the first game. I give it 4 out of 5 stars just the same.
Life life life... I'm still having this feeling of wanting to break out. Break lose. Do something insanely crazy. We bought spray paint. Not saying what our plans are just saying we have plans. I want to misbehave. Haven't pulled any pranks in quite a while.
He still isn't talking to me. Not that it's a big loss his facade is far more interesting that the person I encountered. I found him childish at inappropriate times lifeless more than not and dull except for the few moments when he wasn't hmm better yet when he was himself. I'm sure it's a misconception guess we'll never know. Like I said not really a concern of mine. He's not the only original person in this world.
The "affair" is kind of stagnant at the moment. Kinda slowed down. I don't know. I don't think it's over but it's defiantly on pause, which is good because I needed time to think and I'm pretty sure I have my priorities straight now. Eh we'll see, no use worrying about something I have no control over.
I think we're going to see Joseph Monday in FL he moved down there a month or so ago and he's been begging us to come see some drag show which I'm excited about. Never been to one it sounds fun. I hope we get to go. I need a break from this fucking town and the people in it.
Let's see random, random, random...
Beth's talking about losing a bunch of weight and joining the army. I'm trying to talk her out of it because I think it's a mistake. I support her in any decision she makes but I don't have to like it. I think she feels like she has messed up college and this is how she can redeem herself which is complete bullshit. She only messed up a couple of semesters not her life. I wish she could see she can get back on track if she puts her mind to it just like me.
I'm planning on going back in January I've said that before so I'll believe it when I see it.
Oh I talked to Johnny like the past three days it's weird like talking to a ghost. I missed him. He used to be my best friend. We'll see how that goes.
And also one of my very good friends for a good while Michael is coming back to milledgeville to see me so I'm excited. He's amazing and was an amazing friend at a time when I needed him so it will be good to see him.
Not much else going on. kinda bored with things as a general but the holidays are coming and I know things will be better soon.
I smoked my last cigarette. Sort of. I'll explain later. I'll explain why I felt I needed to quit as well.
other than that not much else to report... Hope your life is more interesting at mine...xx
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Here with me
Why do I feel like 80% (that's being generous) of people aren't worth my time?
I'm constantly losing faith in people as a whole. It's not that I think I'm better than everyone just more than the average person. Eh... I need to get the hell out of this town away from these people. Somewhere I can breathe somewhere I can feel fresh and brand new. Somewhere where things still take my breath away at the same time. Contradictions, contradictions...
I need a fresh start but at the same time I want to be close to my friends and family and the people I love. I wish I could take everyone I love in this world and transport them to some deserted island and forget the world. Won't happen but it's a nice thought.
I have three cloves before I quit. I don't think I'm addicted but it is a comfort to have them. Jesus I picked a hell of a time to quit. I'm under more pressure more stress more pain than I've ever been in, in my life and I decide now's a good time to kick the habit. Way to go me. My timing is always fucking off. Always. It's always been this way for as long as I can remember.
I don't know what I'm saying... A vacation would be nice. Some time to travel... In the end all we really have is time and I feel like Mine is slipping away just out of reach. I'm stuck in some twilight zone of infinite repeats...
I've got to break away before I break down...
I fucking miss him and I can't sleep. atleast not any sleep that's worth a damn. He's comfort to me and when he's away it's hard to do much of anything. I fucked myself over with this love thing... if he's happy I can pretend I'm happy... I hope he's happy...xx
I'm constantly losing faith in people as a whole. It's not that I think I'm better than everyone just more than the average person. Eh... I need to get the hell out of this town away from these people. Somewhere I can breathe somewhere I can feel fresh and brand new. Somewhere where things still take my breath away at the same time. Contradictions, contradictions...
I need a fresh start but at the same time I want to be close to my friends and family and the people I love. I wish I could take everyone I love in this world and transport them to some deserted island and forget the world. Won't happen but it's a nice thought.
I have three cloves before I quit. I don't think I'm addicted but it is a comfort to have them. Jesus I picked a hell of a time to quit. I'm under more pressure more stress more pain than I've ever been in, in my life and I decide now's a good time to kick the habit. Way to go me. My timing is always fucking off. Always. It's always been this way for as long as I can remember.
I don't know what I'm saying... A vacation would be nice. Some time to travel... In the end all we really have is time and I feel like Mine is slipping away just out of reach. I'm stuck in some twilight zone of infinite repeats...
I've got to break away before I break down...
I fucking miss him and I can't sleep. atleast not any sleep that's worth a damn. He's comfort to me and when he's away it's hard to do much of anything. I fucked myself over with this love thing... if he's happy I can pretend I'm happy... I hope he's happy...xx
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Unspoken
This empty bed reminds me that I'm alone...
There are so many things I'm never going to get to say to you I know it. I feel it. When I said I was going to miss you one day I didn't know it would be so soon. I want you to be happy and I said even if it was with her so why am I miserable now? Is it because of your current state of "happiness" or the fact that I know it won't last? Will you come running back to me like before? I honestly don't know if I can handle this roller coaster much longer. Eh life has been so foreign to me lately, so new, so different and for awhile it was exciting. Exciting to finally have a real secret at 20 years old. My first real secret but now I don't know. It's become more of a nuisance. I'm bored with my life as a general again. I guess because it feels like the "affair" maybe ending or maybe it's beginning I'm not sure what I mean. I'm not sure what you mean. All I know is that it's hard to sleep alone unless I'm exhausted and I miss you terribly. God, I'm an idiot. Too intelligent for my own good and too idiotic to realize I can do better? I don't think I can though I honestly think he's one of the best men I will ever have the pleasure of knowing and I only hope it's not over before it has truly began. I've come to grips with the affair. I've rationalized in my head why it's okay to be having an affair. I've just gotten comfortable with it and the shit hits the fan. Fun Fun to be young and single. It's lovely being in the center of this drama... Really... I love being accused of things I haven't quite done yet. I like being in this controversy it makes me feel important when I'm called out by name. So continue talking I'm glad to bring some entertainment to your mediocre, mundane, routine little lives... Really. Oh and hey while we're on the subject of your "lives" (I use the term lightly) when you were young is this the future you envisioned? Guess we can't all be blessed with an important calling but hey someone has to do your jobs I suppose we can very well check ourselves out now can we. Oh wait... We can. Guess you really are useless as you seem.
I'm sorry I'm being cruel. I forget sometimes that not everyone is smart. I just expect people to be on my level. Sounds cocky but I just think higher of people than they actually have potential and often I'm disappointed with the human race as a general. Maybe it's just the back-ass-ward people in this town. I'm sure there's people worth holding a conversation with somewhere.
I'm jumping from subject to subject... Point is a lot of drama went down recently I was "involved" specifically by name and though the storm has calmed I think it's far from over. I can't wait to see how this plays out...
I'm in a non-caring arrogant I'm better than you mood I apologize... But not really... xx
There are so many things I'm never going to get to say to you I know it. I feel it. When I said I was going to miss you one day I didn't know it would be so soon. I want you to be happy and I said even if it was with her so why am I miserable now? Is it because of your current state of "happiness" or the fact that I know it won't last? Will you come running back to me like before? I honestly don't know if I can handle this roller coaster much longer. Eh life has been so foreign to me lately, so new, so different and for awhile it was exciting. Exciting to finally have a real secret at 20 years old. My first real secret but now I don't know. It's become more of a nuisance. I'm bored with my life as a general again. I guess because it feels like the "affair" maybe ending or maybe it's beginning I'm not sure what I mean. I'm not sure what you mean. All I know is that it's hard to sleep alone unless I'm exhausted and I miss you terribly. God, I'm an idiot. Too intelligent for my own good and too idiotic to realize I can do better? I don't think I can though I honestly think he's one of the best men I will ever have the pleasure of knowing and I only hope it's not over before it has truly began. I've come to grips with the affair. I've rationalized in my head why it's okay to be having an affair. I've just gotten comfortable with it and the shit hits the fan. Fun Fun to be young and single. It's lovely being in the center of this drama... Really... I love being accused of things I haven't quite done yet. I like being in this controversy it makes me feel important when I'm called out by name. So continue talking I'm glad to bring some entertainment to your mediocre, mundane, routine little lives... Really. Oh and hey while we're on the subject of your "lives" (I use the term lightly) when you were young is this the future you envisioned? Guess we can't all be blessed with an important calling but hey someone has to do your jobs I suppose we can very well check ourselves out now can we. Oh wait... We can. Guess you really are useless as you seem.
I'm sorry I'm being cruel. I forget sometimes that not everyone is smart. I just expect people to be on my level. Sounds cocky but I just think higher of people than they actually have potential and often I'm disappointed with the human race as a general. Maybe it's just the back-ass-ward people in this town. I'm sure there's people worth holding a conversation with somewhere.
I'm jumping from subject to subject... Point is a lot of drama went down recently I was "involved" specifically by name and though the storm has calmed I think it's far from over. I can't wait to see how this plays out...
I'm in a non-caring arrogant I'm better than you mood I apologize... But not really... xx
Friday, November 03, 2006
Maybe Baby...
I know there's hope in there
But I wanna walk away
He's says it's bright in there
Even in lighter shades of grey
And though it looks like rain
I'm not gonna cry
As the seasons are changing In your heart
So will I
I will fly
I swear it feels like my life has turned upside down. I feel out of control. It's a good loss of control. It's the kinda control you want to lose. I just wish the circumstances were different, that situations were different. But then again if they were I know I would be completely out of control. I still have a little control. It's my eternally realistic nature. Have fun while you have it cause it won't last type deal. I don't know this has slowly and gradually turned into something more. Something brand new. Something I've never felt in my life and it's scary and exciting and painful and wonderful all at the same time. It's a million feelings pulsing through out my body everytime he's near everytime he's away. It's like I just realized I'm alive. It's like I finally remembered how to breathe. Everything is fresh and new. It's like a constant feeling Christmas. You know that feeling you get when you see lights on houses and trees. Or better yet it's like the feeling you get when you see fireworks. I feel like fireworks hundreds of fireworks lighting up the dark sky. Light like electricity racing threw the darkness. Millions of tiny sparks burning with all the ambition they have. OOhs and AAhs from everyone. I feel like I'm looking up at the empty sky waiting just waiting for that brief moment when everything is light. I'm excited and nervous and I'm anticipating beautiful and it shoots off and it's breathtaking and I'm speechless...
I hope this feeling last. I hope it last with him. If it doesn't I hope I feel at least a small portion of it again before I die because I'm addicted to whatever this feeling is. I always want to feel it and when I don't I'm miserable. I've got "it" (whatever it is) bad.
I hope this season never ends I hope it goes on past it's time. God, I just want to scream out loud. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to sing.
but then... In the back of my mind. There's a girl, a girl who used to be guarded beyond reach who's sitting there saying watch yourself because it's only the beginning of the end. It's going to end. I've let my guard down I'm venerable he could break me at any moment. God he could break me beyond repair. I don't think he knows the power he has and I'm going to keep it that way until he knows his intentions. I don't think he knows what he wants. I only hope he figures it out before it's too late for me. Yes, I'll survive but I'm going to have to have some recover time I know. It's not going to be easy to get over him. I don't know if I ever will.
I'm ending it before it's really begun in my mind. I have hope but I don't want to have too much hope because I don't want to be disappointed. So when he says things like I'm going to pack my shit and leave her, I'm thinking 'we'll see' I'm never, I don't know, too happy about it. I wouldn't be happy, clearly he loved her once and I hate that it's leaving. I once again just want him to be happy, with her, with me, with someone new. I just want that boy to be happy regardless of my feelings. I think I should be more selfish but it's not in my nature.
I don't know I'm rambling on...
God I hope this doesn't break me... xx
I am in _ _ _ _.
Rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons...
But I wanna walk away
He's says it's bright in there
Even in lighter shades of grey
And though it looks like rain
I'm not gonna cry
As the seasons are changing In your heart
So will I
I will fly
I swear it feels like my life has turned upside down. I feel out of control. It's a good loss of control. It's the kinda control you want to lose. I just wish the circumstances were different, that situations were different. But then again if they were I know I would be completely out of control. I still have a little control. It's my eternally realistic nature. Have fun while you have it cause it won't last type deal. I don't know this has slowly and gradually turned into something more. Something brand new. Something I've never felt in my life and it's scary and exciting and painful and wonderful all at the same time. It's a million feelings pulsing through out my body everytime he's near everytime he's away. It's like I just realized I'm alive. It's like I finally remembered how to breathe. Everything is fresh and new. It's like a constant feeling Christmas. You know that feeling you get when you see lights on houses and trees. Or better yet it's like the feeling you get when you see fireworks. I feel like fireworks hundreds of fireworks lighting up the dark sky. Light like electricity racing threw the darkness. Millions of tiny sparks burning with all the ambition they have. OOhs and AAhs from everyone. I feel like I'm looking up at the empty sky waiting just waiting for that brief moment when everything is light. I'm excited and nervous and I'm anticipating beautiful and it shoots off and it's breathtaking and I'm speechless...
I hope this feeling last. I hope it last with him. If it doesn't I hope I feel at least a small portion of it again before I die because I'm addicted to whatever this feeling is. I always want to feel it and when I don't I'm miserable. I've got "it" (whatever it is) bad.
I hope this season never ends I hope it goes on past it's time. God, I just want to scream out loud. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to sing.
but then... In the back of my mind. There's a girl, a girl who used to be guarded beyond reach who's sitting there saying watch yourself because it's only the beginning of the end. It's going to end. I've let my guard down I'm venerable he could break me at any moment. God he could break me beyond repair. I don't think he knows the power he has and I'm going to keep it that way until he knows his intentions. I don't think he knows what he wants. I only hope he figures it out before it's too late for me. Yes, I'll survive but I'm going to have to have some recover time I know. It's not going to be easy to get over him. I don't know if I ever will.
I'm ending it before it's really begun in my mind. I have hope but I don't want to have too much hope because I don't want to be disappointed. So when he says things like I'm going to pack my shit and leave her, I'm thinking 'we'll see' I'm never, I don't know, too happy about it. I wouldn't be happy, clearly he loved her once and I hate that it's leaving. I once again just want him to be happy, with her, with me, with someone new. I just want that boy to be happy regardless of my feelings. I think I should be more selfish but it's not in my nature.
I don't know I'm rambling on...
God I hope this doesn't break me... xx
I am in _ _ _ _.
Rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons...
Sunday, October 29, 2006
The saddest boy that I have ever seen
Get off work about 4 o'clock
And I'm late again
Cause you'll be here by 6:30
We'll go looking for a close parking spot again
Sitting in a room full of believers
Now you tell me what's wrong and what's right
Cause I look over at you baby
And you got your good intentions focused so tight
And now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
To watch these drugs break you down
When there's nothing you can do and no one to get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
What's wrong with a little bit of experimentation
To open the eyes of the new generation
Well build your world on an empty foundation
And watch it all blow away
Now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
To watch these drugs pull you down
When there's nothing we can do and no one can get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
Well I haven't seen you in a while
You know I miss our talks I miss your smile
Cause the look of innocence is priceless
And baby right now you look so lifeless
And now it hurts me so to have to see you go
To watch this song break you down
When there's nothing we can do
And no one to get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
And now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
Watch this song break you down
just a song for the rich boy if you please...xx
people should say what they mean and mean what they say. Why filter your words? What shorten them or change them? I love it when you say what you mean regardless of afactorsers that didn't hold you back in the first place. What changed? Why change? This world would be a better place if people could speak their minds unrestricted...xx
And I'm late again
Cause you'll be here by 6:30
We'll go looking for a close parking spot again
Sitting in a room full of believers
Now you tell me what's wrong and what's right
Cause I look over at you baby
And you got your good intentions focused so tight
And now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
To watch these drugs break you down
When there's nothing you can do and no one to get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
What's wrong with a little bit of experimentation
To open the eyes of the new generation
Well build your world on an empty foundation
And watch it all blow away
Now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
To watch these drugs pull you down
When there's nothing we can do and no one can get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
Well I haven't seen you in a while
You know I miss our talks I miss your smile
Cause the look of innocence is priceless
And baby right now you look so lifeless
And now it hurts me so to have to see you go
To watch this song break you down
When there's nothing we can do
And no one to get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
And now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
Watch this song break you down
just a song for the rich boy if you please...xx
people should say what they mean and mean what they say. Why filter your words? What shorten them or change them? I love it when you say what you mean regardless of afactorsers that didn't hold you back in the first place. What changed? Why change? This world would be a better place if people could speak their minds unrestricted...xx
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I feel like my conversations with you are like lost translations on repeat
I never said I hated you. It's not in me to hate. That takes too much effort and too much out of me. I'm not that consumed with my "dislike" of you. I don't hate you. I never could... I never will and I don't dislike you either. I just realized that I was letting what you thought consume me and I'm over that part of our "relationship" now I would very much like to move past that and move on.
I've grown a lot in the past month or so and I think you would notice If you were there to notice. Forgive me for my distance but other things have moved into my "priority" (if you will) list. Yes I still read your beautiful words yes I still have the urge to text you just to see if you're all right yes I can't hear a deftones song without thinking of you but no it doesn't keep me awake at night. No I'm not obsessing over you or consumed with you. (though I do thank you for introducing me to some kick ass bands)(never was a deftones fan before you)
I stand by everything I've said about you the good and the bad. I think you are one of the most beautiful souls I will never know. It's a shame but I'm not going to fall to pieces and put my life on pause because of it. As for you playing God... I said myself I thought we were all God to a certain degree. We're all "guilty" of "playing God".
Forgive me for assuming your post was for me or atleast part of it. I do that from time to time. If it was it's a pleasure to know you still read my words as well. If not, I hope you're reading this now, reading my words and I've said all I know to say...
Read them carefully, I'm not making you out to be anything more than you are through my eyes. Not an evil creature, not a "villain" just you. This is my translation of you as wrong as it may be It's still just my translation.
I don't hate you. I'm very fond of you. I would never say anything to your back I wouldn't say to your face. I'm not a liar (believe it or not) just mislead from time to time. I'm not consumed though I still find you enchanting.
And above all I am not as immature as you think I am. Guess you'll never know the real me. Guess I will never be one of your friends like I once wanted desperately to be. You don't consider me a friend at all I suppose just a, mutual acquaintance but I consider you more than that. At least I would be nice enough to say hello, ask you how you were instead of say, flat out ignoring you and not even looking you in the eye while talking to your sister as if you were good friends. That was defiantly mature. I would never do that to you oh and before you go and think "oh she's mad because I'm 'friends' with her sister" think again I could care less who you associate with it's your life. But don't ignore me. Don't pretend like I don't exist, overlook me, treat me like some girl you've never met. At least have the decency to acknowledge that I am a person and I do exist. That's what hurt. That's what made my opinions of you waver. You're not an ass hole you're not a villain but you have you're moments when you are petty and cruel and you know exactly what you're doing. I'm not like that so I don't understand how you can just cut things off. It's odd to me like you're a puppeteer pulling everyone in your worlds strings and it's not going to work on me anymore that was all I was saying. You hurt me, you made me feel like I wasn't a person like I wasn't real... But I am. I'm very real and I am a person with feelings and I felt like in that moment you stepped all over them with no concern for anything really.
So before you throw stones and offer you're advice I think you should remember we all have moments of immaturity, we all have ass hole moments, we all are scared at some point, we all make mistakes and we all feel, even you... I hope I haven't "hurt" you (I honestly don't give myself that much power in your world but if I have hurt you I'm truly sorry) I just want you to see where I am coming from my perspective.
Oh and as for God being busy with you. God is with the ones with most need, be it you, or be it someone ten times worse off than you, either way it's nice to hear you've found him. I'm glad you're chatting. Sometimes I need him but at the end of the day I don't need him nearly as much as some people do.
I truly hope we move past this pettiness and can sit down and have a mature open talk oneday over coffee and cloves perhaps. Until then, I hope you are well... I'm still a friend, on my part, if you ever have need, I wouldn't shut you out. I won't ignore you... we should talk...xx
something you taught me. I do however believe in both and I see both in you...
I've grown a lot in the past month or so and I think you would notice If you were there to notice. Forgive me for my distance but other things have moved into my "priority" (if you will) list. Yes I still read your beautiful words yes I still have the urge to text you just to see if you're all right yes I can't hear a deftones song without thinking of you but no it doesn't keep me awake at night. No I'm not obsessing over you or consumed with you. (though I do thank you for introducing me to some kick ass bands)(never was a deftones fan before you)
I stand by everything I've said about you the good and the bad. I think you are one of the most beautiful souls I will never know. It's a shame but I'm not going to fall to pieces and put my life on pause because of it. As for you playing God... I said myself I thought we were all God to a certain degree. We're all "guilty" of "playing God".
Forgive me for assuming your post was for me or atleast part of it. I do that from time to time. If it was it's a pleasure to know you still read my words as well. If not, I hope you're reading this now, reading my words and I've said all I know to say...
Read them carefully, I'm not making you out to be anything more than you are through my eyes. Not an evil creature, not a "villain" just you. This is my translation of you as wrong as it may be It's still just my translation.
I don't hate you. I'm very fond of you. I would never say anything to your back I wouldn't say to your face. I'm not a liar (believe it or not) just mislead from time to time. I'm not consumed though I still find you enchanting.
And above all I am not as immature as you think I am. Guess you'll never know the real me. Guess I will never be one of your friends like I once wanted desperately to be. You don't consider me a friend at all I suppose just a, mutual acquaintance but I consider you more than that. At least I would be nice enough to say hello, ask you how you were instead of say, flat out ignoring you and not even looking you in the eye while talking to your sister as if you were good friends. That was defiantly mature. I would never do that to you oh and before you go and think "oh she's mad because I'm 'friends' with her sister" think again I could care less who you associate with it's your life. But don't ignore me. Don't pretend like I don't exist, overlook me, treat me like some girl you've never met. At least have the decency to acknowledge that I am a person and I do exist. That's what hurt. That's what made my opinions of you waver. You're not an ass hole you're not a villain but you have you're moments when you are petty and cruel and you know exactly what you're doing. I'm not like that so I don't understand how you can just cut things off. It's odd to me like you're a puppeteer pulling everyone in your worlds strings and it's not going to work on me anymore that was all I was saying. You hurt me, you made me feel like I wasn't a person like I wasn't real... But I am. I'm very real and I am a person with feelings and I felt like in that moment you stepped all over them with no concern for anything really.
So before you throw stones and offer you're advice I think you should remember we all have moments of immaturity, we all have ass hole moments, we all are scared at some point, we all make mistakes and we all feel, even you... I hope I haven't "hurt" you (I honestly don't give myself that much power in your world but if I have hurt you I'm truly sorry) I just want you to see where I am coming from my perspective.
Oh and as for God being busy with you. God is with the ones with most need, be it you, or be it someone ten times worse off than you, either way it's nice to hear you've found him. I'm glad you're chatting. Sometimes I need him but at the end of the day I don't need him nearly as much as some people do.
I truly hope we move past this pettiness and can sit down and have a mature open talk oneday over coffee and cloves perhaps. Until then, I hope you are well... I'm still a friend, on my part, if you ever have need, I wouldn't shut you out. I won't ignore you... we should talk...xx
something you taught me. I do however believe in both and I see both in you...
Monday, October 23, 2006
The world as I see it? The world as she sees it?
Well I should have told you I sold my soul to an angel
I should have told you this world is not my own
I should have wrapped you, wrapped you like a present
I should have gotten to you before you were grown
I should have whispered in your ear when you were lonely
I should have taken you, taken you by the hand
I should have told you you are, you are worthy
I should have shown you, you are, you are a beautiful man
I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
For my beautiful man
I should have told you I would be difficult
I should have shown you the scars on my soul
I should have told you I wanted you to take care of me
Without allowing you any of my control
And I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man
I should have told you I was not good enough for you
I should have whispered I am unkind
And I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to save you from myself
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man
I should have told you this world is not my own
I should have wrapped you, wrapped you like a present
I should have gotten to you before you were grown
I should have whispered in your ear when you were lonely
I should have taken you, taken you by the hand
I should have told you you are, you are worthy
I should have shown you, you are, you are a beautiful man
I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
For my beautiful man
I should have told you I would be difficult
I should have shown you the scars on my soul
I should have told you I wanted you to take care of me
Without allowing you any of my control
And I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man
I should have told you I was not good enough for you
I should have whispered I am unkind
And I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to save you from myself
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man
It's a comfort to know that all we are is mutual avoidances
We avoid the truth we avoid people we avoid confrontation we avoid all types of situations. It's very comforting to know that I'm an avoidance and so are you.
Where does this post come from you may ask... Or not... Either way I don't care. I'm avoiding something. I'm avoiding a big something. Something that I know is going to make or break me and I'm scared as shit. I've never been more afraid in my life. I'm not a person who is afraid of much of anything but this scares me with a deep dark paralyzing fear and I have no one to talk to it about so I'm holding it inside and that scares me to. I wish God did do overs. Actually I wish I could ask God for help in this situation but he's stopped talking to me and he wouldn't help me with this even if he were talking to me. I guess I really am on my own with this. I made my bed or un-made it in my case and I have to deal with it.
The truth is... I am ... Jesus I don't think I can bare to write it down...
I am in _ _ _ _, and I've never been so scared in my life. Every minute away from him I'm hurting. Every time I'm near him I'm hurting. So I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do and there's nothing I can do about it.
Praying for her to get in wreck or some freak accident with a fire or something really defeats the purpose of prayer. I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want him to be hurt so her cheating and falling in love with someone else isn't an option either. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do really. I feel so helpless. I feel so lost. I feel like I've made a mistake I can't undo and even if I could I wouldn't. Anytime I'm given with him is more than I deserve.
I know I'm not completely to blame but I feel like this is my fault. I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm being tested especially when I don't think I'll pass. I don't want to pass. My heart doesn't want to pass and my conscience is eating away at me. (at least someone in the world still has one of those)I'm torn. I'm completely lost in this situation.
I'm in _ _ _ _ with a _ _ _ _ _ man...xx
oh yes something I forgot there is another truth I've been avoiding and it's time I came clean about it. I chose him over you. I couldn't "be with" you because of him. He is real. The realest thing I've ever known and you live illusions. I wanted your approval so damn bad that I kept that to myself but now I don't care what you think of me. I want to be real and I want to live a real life the good and the bad. I want the truth, not some delusions I've made up so that the real world doesn't effect me. I don't want to be numb. I want to feel everything this world has to offer. So you continue to pretend you are God. You are only God of your world and your world is getting smaller by the second. Pretty soon there won't be much left. You are on a self destructive path. I thought I was but it turns out I'm on the up and up because I feel. Pain, hurt, happiness, and even LOVE. Love is real in my world and love is amazing. I hope you get to feel it someday for yourself it will vastly improve you're mediocre outlook on life. Be good be safe. I don't care what you think anymore from now on it's what I think...xx
Where does this post come from you may ask... Or not... Either way I don't care. I'm avoiding something. I'm avoiding a big something. Something that I know is going to make or break me and I'm scared as shit. I've never been more afraid in my life. I'm not a person who is afraid of much of anything but this scares me with a deep dark paralyzing fear and I have no one to talk to it about so I'm holding it inside and that scares me to. I wish God did do overs. Actually I wish I could ask God for help in this situation but he's stopped talking to me and he wouldn't help me with this even if he were talking to me. I guess I really am on my own with this. I made my bed or un-made it in my case and I have to deal with it.
The truth is... I am ... Jesus I don't think I can bare to write it down...
I am in _ _ _ _, and I've never been so scared in my life. Every minute away from him I'm hurting. Every time I'm near him I'm hurting. So I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do and there's nothing I can do about it.
Praying for her to get in wreck or some freak accident with a fire or something really defeats the purpose of prayer. I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want him to be hurt so her cheating and falling in love with someone else isn't an option either. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do really. I feel so helpless. I feel so lost. I feel like I've made a mistake I can't undo and even if I could I wouldn't. Anytime I'm given with him is more than I deserve.
I know I'm not completely to blame but I feel like this is my fault. I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm being tested especially when I don't think I'll pass. I don't want to pass. My heart doesn't want to pass and my conscience is eating away at me. (at least someone in the world still has one of those)I'm torn. I'm completely lost in this situation.
I'm in _ _ _ _ with a _ _ _ _ _ man...xx
oh yes something I forgot there is another truth I've been avoiding and it's time I came clean about it. I chose him over you. I couldn't "be with" you because of him. He is real. The realest thing I've ever known and you live illusions. I wanted your approval so damn bad that I kept that to myself but now I don't care what you think of me. I want to be real and I want to live a real life the good and the bad. I want the truth, not some delusions I've made up so that the real world doesn't effect me. I don't want to be numb. I want to feel everything this world has to offer. So you continue to pretend you are God. You are only God of your world and your world is getting smaller by the second. Pretty soon there won't be much left. You are on a self destructive path. I thought I was but it turns out I'm on the up and up because I feel. Pain, hurt, happiness, and even LOVE. Love is real in my world and love is amazing. I hope you get to feel it someday for yourself it will vastly improve you're mediocre outlook on life. Be good be safe. I don't care what you think anymore from now on it's what I think...xx
Friday, October 20, 2006
If you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
I lost it for a minute I swear that boy makes me lose my mind. I don't know what it is. You know I wish I could rewind time and figure out exactly when he started hanging with us. When exactly did the wonder twins become the three amigos again. It's kinda like when Anderson was around only this guy actually has the balls to own up to liking me. Who gave him permission to just weasel his way into our circle. Wait... Is two people really a circle? I don't know when it happened but it happened and I like it... No I love it...
Now there's this new guy trying to join the Amigos. Well honestly he's already a member. Sweetheart named Gary Arnold. I call him Brantley cause he looks like this guy I knew in highschool. He's a sweetie.
So the stats have changed once again I forgot to say but my number one (that was you) is now my number two and my number two who I'm going to refer to as Hayden from now on is now number one and zero hasn't changed and four and five haven't changed.
So Hayden is out of town with his "family" this is really sad because I saw him yesterday technically but I kinda miss him. Only a little though. A little... I miss his big dumb smile. There's a lot more I need to say but I'm going to continue you that on the confessions blog.
just wanted to say I'm okay now... I'm good... Considering...xx
Now there's this new guy trying to join the Amigos. Well honestly he's already a member. Sweetheart named Gary Arnold. I call him Brantley cause he looks like this guy I knew in highschool. He's a sweetie.
So the stats have changed once again I forgot to say but my number one (that was you) is now my number two and my number two who I'm going to refer to as Hayden from now on is now number one and zero hasn't changed and four and five haven't changed.
So Hayden is out of town with his "family" this is really sad because I saw him yesterday technically but I kinda miss him. Only a little though. A little... I miss his big dumb smile. There's a lot more I need to say but I'm going to continue you that on the confessions blog.
just wanted to say I'm okay now... I'm good... Considering...xx
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
In regards to my last post
I'm not suicidal I just wish everyone would fucking die sometimes. maybe not everyone but the population of this world would be vastly improved if all the idiots and self centered selfish people who constantly fuck people over would all just drive their pretty little cars into a tree and for the ones who can't drive you should run out in front of the car before it hits the tree and for those who can't walk wheel yourselves off a fucking mountain. This world would be so much better if it were missing a few people.
Here she lies a girl in love with the world but alas she was only ever drama's mistress
I have royally fucked myself over this time...xx
I think this may be the end for me
I think it's too late for me now
I think I messed up for the last time
I think it's... over
I'm fucked, I'm fucked, I'm fucked x10 I AM FUCKED. I had borders I had boundaries and I let him cross them and the sad part is I don't care anymore. I don't care that he has a wife. I don't care about that stupid fucking ring on his finger. I used to have morals I used to say that would never be me and look where is got me. Just look . . . Just fucking look at me.
God I thought you never gave people more than they can handle. I believe in you and I believe you are there but when are you going to step in and say "World I think you are fucking yourselves over and it's time to fix your mistakes"
I'm so selfish I can't see beyond my little world of drama I'm getting off subject there are people dying daily and all you have to do is step in and take over. Innocent people are dying and they don't have to be. This is not how the world has to be. You have the power to make things better so why don't you. WHY!!! If God is Love and I truly believe it to be then where are you. I thought I was the one desensitized but it seems you are. You care don't you. You care that people are hurting don't you? I feel like I've lost faith but maybe it's you who has lost faith. Have you completely given up on us?
I'm hurting. I'm hurting I'm fucking hurting God. Can you see my tears can you feel the pain I'm feeling? Have you ever felt pain? Do you feel pain when you look at the state of this world? GIVE ME A SIGN you're still listening. There is so much good in this world so much but it is never going to have a chance to flourish without the sun.
I'm......... losing it. I'm on the verge of a serious breakdown....... a breakdown. Maybe that's what I need. I hate feeling like I could sleep the next few days and not give a shit for the world or the people in it. not leave my room, not leave my house, not eating not drinking barely breathing just existing. Is this what you have planned in the grand scheme of things. me hiding away withering away I'm dying God damn it. I am dying inside and hardly anyone in this fucking fucked up world gives a damn.
I swear if I could find the nearest cliff I would fling myself off of it and be concerned with the world no longer.
Fuck this world that's fucking me over. I care about you and you care about your fucking selves. Fuck you... FUCK YOU...
I'm not losing it.... I'm lost...xx
I think this may be the end for me
I think it's too late for me now
I think I messed up for the last time
I think it's... over
I'm fucked, I'm fucked, I'm fucked x10 I AM FUCKED. I had borders I had boundaries and I let him cross them and the sad part is I don't care anymore. I don't care that he has a wife. I don't care about that stupid fucking ring on his finger. I used to have morals I used to say that would never be me and look where is got me. Just look . . . Just fucking look at me.
God I thought you never gave people more than they can handle. I believe in you and I believe you are there but when are you going to step in and say "World I think you are fucking yourselves over and it's time to fix your mistakes"
I'm so selfish I can't see beyond my little world of drama I'm getting off subject there are people dying daily and all you have to do is step in and take over. Innocent people are dying and they don't have to be. This is not how the world has to be. You have the power to make things better so why don't you. WHY!!! If God is Love and I truly believe it to be then where are you. I thought I was the one desensitized but it seems you are. You care don't you. You care that people are hurting don't you? I feel like I've lost faith but maybe it's you who has lost faith. Have you completely given up on us?
I'm hurting. I'm hurting I'm fucking hurting God. Can you see my tears can you feel the pain I'm feeling? Have you ever felt pain? Do you feel pain when you look at the state of this world? GIVE ME A SIGN you're still listening. There is so much good in this world so much but it is never going to have a chance to flourish without the sun.
I'm......... losing it. I'm on the verge of a serious breakdown....... a breakdown. Maybe that's what I need. I hate feeling like I could sleep the next few days and not give a shit for the world or the people in it. not leave my room, not leave my house, not eating not drinking barely breathing just existing. Is this what you have planned in the grand scheme of things. me hiding away withering away I'm dying God damn it. I am dying inside and hardly anyone in this fucking fucked up world gives a damn.
I swear if I could find the nearest cliff I would fling myself off of it and be concerned with the world no longer.
Fuck this world that's fucking me over. I care about you and you care about your fucking selves. Fuck you... FUCK YOU...
I'm not losing it.... I'm lost...xx
Monday, October 16, 2006
10 things you probably didn't know about me and one painful truth
10. I still watch cartoons (closet anime freak)( I would go to a Cosplay event if it wasn't too weird).
9. When I'm barefoot I walk around on my tip toes.
8. I used to be a hardcore Jesus freak.
7. My eyes change color with my mood and my clothes.
6. I can't snap or cross my eyes.
5. I can't say cinnamon.
4. I tell people I don't believe in love so I won't be disappointed when I don't find it but in reality it's one of the only things I believe in.
3. I believe in Ghost.
2. I bite my lip when I'm intrigued.
1. I'm in love with someone I can never have and I think he may love me back. He kissed me and I want him to do it again...
just wasting time nothing better to do on a manic Monday. I need to get my head straight. I need to get my priorities straight. I feel like my mind is at war honestly. Beth says I need to stop thinking and just go with it but my heart is having conflicts. Too many to count. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I mean Beth is amazing but I need an outside perspective. Though they'll probably tell me what my heart is telling me and what I don't want to hear. I just wish I knew what he wanted from me. What does he want from me? I guess I should ask him but I honestly don't think he knows, how could he? I should have stopped it while I was ahead but it's too late for me now. I'm emotionally attached. I don't know when it happened. It was over night. It just snuck up on me. I didn't expect it I knew my borders, or atleast I thought I did, and somehow they got crossed. Ugh maybe I am over thinking this. I need a pocket Dr.Phil though I know what he would say and I know he would disapprove. God so many contradictions in my mind so many conflicts. I thought things were getting better but it seems there's a brand new kind of drama something I never expected... Jesus what's wrong with me...xx
9. When I'm barefoot I walk around on my tip toes.
8. I used to be a hardcore Jesus freak.
7. My eyes change color with my mood and my clothes.
6. I can't snap or cross my eyes.
5. I can't say cinnamon.
4. I tell people I don't believe in love so I won't be disappointed when I don't find it but in reality it's one of the only things I believe in.
3. I believe in Ghost.
2. I bite my lip when I'm intrigued.
1. I'm in love with someone I can never have and I think he may love me back. He kissed me and I want him to do it again...
just wasting time nothing better to do on a manic Monday. I need to get my head straight. I need to get my priorities straight. I feel like my mind is at war honestly. Beth says I need to stop thinking and just go with it but my heart is having conflicts. Too many to count. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I mean Beth is amazing but I need an outside perspective. Though they'll probably tell me what my heart is telling me and what I don't want to hear. I just wish I knew what he wanted from me. What does he want from me? I guess I should ask him but I honestly don't think he knows, how could he? I should have stopped it while I was ahead but it's too late for me now. I'm emotionally attached. I don't know when it happened. It was over night. It just snuck up on me. I didn't expect it I knew my borders, or atleast I thought I did, and somehow they got crossed. Ugh maybe I am over thinking this. I need a pocket Dr.Phil though I know what he would say and I know he would disapprove. God so many contradictions in my mind so many conflicts. I thought things were getting better but it seems there's a brand new kind of drama something I never expected... Jesus what's wrong with me...xx
Friday, October 13, 2006
Sometimes Drama is best expressed via Disney songs(thanks to beth for inspiration)
BEFORE THE KISS:
What would I give
To live where you are?
What would I pay
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you
Smiling at me?
Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of your world
I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world
MY THOUGHTS:
I wonder, I wonder I wonder why each little bird has a someone
To sing to, sweet things to
A gay little lark melody?
I wonder, I wonder I wonder if my heart keeps singing
Will my song go winging
To someone, who'll find me
And bring back a love song to me?
BETH'S ROLE A LITTLE WHISPER:
There you see her
Sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say
But there's something about her
And you don't know why
But you're dying to try
You wanna kiss the girl
Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
Possible she wants you too
There is one way to ask her
It don't take a word
Not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
My oh my
Look like the boy too shy
Ain't gonna kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Ain't that sad?
Ain't it a shame?
Too bad, he gonna miss the girl
Now's your moment
Floating in a blue lagoon
Boy you better do it soon
No time will be better
She don't say a word
And she won't say a word
Until you kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Don't be scared
You got the mood prepared
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Don't stop now
Don't try to hide it how
You want to kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Float along
And listen to the song
The song say kiss the girl
Sha la la la la
The music play
Do what the music say
You got to kiss the girl
You've got to kiss the girl
You wanna kiss the girl
You've gotta kiss the girl
Go on and kiss the girl
CURRENTLY HOW I FEEL:
So this is love, Mmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, Mmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
Mmm Mmm So this is love
BETH'S TAKE ON THE SITUATION:
There's something sweet
And almost kind
But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined
And now he's dear
And so I'm sure
I wonder why I didn't see it there before
She glanced this way
I thought I saw
And when we touched she didn't shudder at my paw
No it can't be
I'll just ignore
But then she's never looked at me that way before
New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that he's no Prince Charming
But there's something in him that I simply didn't see
ONE ISSUE:
"Madame Gaston!"
Can't you just see it?
"Madame Gaston!"
His "little wife"
No sir! Not me!
I guarantee it
I want much more than this provincial life
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned
MY CONSCIENCE:
Listen with your heart You will understand
Let it break upon you Like a wave upon the sand
Listen with your heart You will understand
MY HEART:
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true
OUTSIDERS???:
If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we made the whole world bright
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us where these whispers in the night
But still my heart is singing
We were right
There's no moment I regret
Since the moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I've lived at last...
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
I thought our love would be so beautiful We'd turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is singing
We were right
We were right
And If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you
ME TRYING TO HIDE IT FROM THE WORLD AND MYSELF:
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad
No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love
REALITY SINKING IN:
Poor unfortunate souls
In painIn need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them?Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true
The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man
Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead!Make your choice!
I'm a very busy woman
And I haven't got all day
It won't cost muchJust your voice!
You poor unfortunate soul
It's sadBut true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You've got to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll!
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys
The boss is on a roll
This poor unfortunate soul
My life isn't a Disney movie but I've got the soundtrack. Sebastin and flounder aren't going to save me in the nick of time. There is no Prince Charming who rides up on a white horse but for a moment everything felt alright and it felt like he was mine. When did this happen when did I decide it might be nice for him to be mine. Am I really secretly in love? I feel completely fucked over with this whole situation. I know it's so wrong of me to even say this but if that was the last time I ever kiss that man, I don't know, nevermind I should stop while I'm ahead. Does he really have a look in his eyes? Do I? This is painful... probably the most pain I've ever been in, in my life and there's nothing I can do about it so I may as well shut up because this isn't going to make it any better and I'm wasting your and my time... goodnight...xx
I liked it...
What would I give
To live where you are?
What would I pay
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you
Smiling at me?
Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of your world
I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world
MY THOUGHTS:
I wonder, I wonder I wonder why each little bird has a someone
To sing to, sweet things to
A gay little lark melody?
I wonder, I wonder I wonder if my heart keeps singing
Will my song go winging
To someone, who'll find me
And bring back a love song to me?
BETH'S ROLE A LITTLE WHISPER:
There you see her
Sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say
But there's something about her
And you don't know why
But you're dying to try
You wanna kiss the girl
Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
Possible she wants you too
There is one way to ask her
It don't take a word
Not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
My oh my
Look like the boy too shy
Ain't gonna kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Ain't that sad?
Ain't it a shame?
Too bad, he gonna miss the girl
Now's your moment
Floating in a blue lagoon
Boy you better do it soon
No time will be better
She don't say a word
And she won't say a word
Until you kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Don't be scared
You got the mood prepared
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Don't stop now
Don't try to hide it how
You want to kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Float along
And listen to the song
The song say kiss the girl
Sha la la la la
The music play
Do what the music say
You got to kiss the girl
You've got to kiss the girl
You wanna kiss the girl
You've gotta kiss the girl
Go on and kiss the girl
CURRENTLY HOW I FEEL:
So this is love, Mmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, Mmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
Mmm Mmm So this is love
BETH'S TAKE ON THE SITUATION:
There's something sweet
And almost kind
But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined
And now he's dear
And so I'm sure
I wonder why I didn't see it there before
She glanced this way
I thought I saw
And when we touched she didn't shudder at my paw
No it can't be
I'll just ignore
But then she's never looked at me that way before
New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that he's no Prince Charming
But there's something in him that I simply didn't see
ONE ISSUE:
"Madame Gaston!"
Can't you just see it?
"Madame Gaston!"
His "little wife"
No sir! Not me!
I guarantee it
I want much more than this provincial life
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned
MY CONSCIENCE:
Listen with your heart You will understand
Let it break upon you Like a wave upon the sand
Listen with your heart You will understand
MY HEART:
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true
OUTSIDERS???:
If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we made the whole world bright
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us where these whispers in the night
But still my heart is singing
We were right
There's no moment I regret
Since the moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I've lived at last...
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
I thought our love would be so beautiful We'd turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is singing
We were right
We were right
And If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you
ME TRYING TO HIDE IT FROM THE WORLD AND MYSELF:
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad
No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love
REALITY SINKING IN:
Poor unfortunate souls
In painIn need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them?Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true
The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man
Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead!Make your choice!
I'm a very busy woman
And I haven't got all day
It won't cost muchJust your voice!
You poor unfortunate soul
It's sadBut true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You've got to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll!
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys
The boss is on a roll
This poor unfortunate soul
My life isn't a Disney movie but I've got the soundtrack. Sebastin and flounder aren't going to save me in the nick of time. There is no Prince Charming who rides up on a white horse but for a moment everything felt alright and it felt like he was mine. When did this happen when did I decide it might be nice for him to be mine. Am I really secretly in love? I feel completely fucked over with this whole situation. I know it's so wrong of me to even say this but if that was the last time I ever kiss that man, I don't know, nevermind I should stop while I'm ahead. Does he really have a look in his eyes? Do I? This is painful... probably the most pain I've ever been in, in my life and there's nothing I can do about it so I may as well shut up because this isn't going to make it any better and I'm wasting your and my time... goodnight...xx
I liked it...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
You want to see a Reaction?
Here you have it...
indifference
that's all you get and more than you deserve
indifference
that's all you get and more than you deserve
It's funny how imperfections fade or Ten things I like about you...
10. The way you say milk and cookies because you know it makes me smile
9. The way you light my cigarette when I'm being special
8. Because you know I'm jumpy and ticklish and you use that to full advantage
7. Because you let me push you around and constantly fuck with you (taking your hat and throwing it, or the racing thing) yet you never get mad
6. The look in your eyes when you talk about something that interest you
5. Because even when you're in a bad mood it never last long. You're positive 90% of the time.
4. That you let me have your wish every time
3. The way you butcher the English language constantly
2. You listen and I believe you genuinely care
1. Because a smile never leaves my face in your company
There's only one thing I can think of that I don't like about you. Just one. I'll keep that to myself.
I didn't realize how circumstantial imperfections were until I met you. It's funny how they fade into beauty after time... And as a side note I'm not secretly in love with you as I've said before but I do love you. Don't tell...xx
9. The way you light my cigarette when I'm being special
8. Because you know I'm jumpy and ticklish and you use that to full advantage
7. Because you let me push you around and constantly fuck with you (taking your hat and throwing it, or the racing thing) yet you never get mad
6. The look in your eyes when you talk about something that interest you
5. Because even when you're in a bad mood it never last long. You're positive 90% of the time.
4. That you let me have your wish every time
3. The way you butcher the English language constantly
2. You listen and I believe you genuinely care
1. Because a smile never leaves my face in your company
There's only one thing I can think of that I don't like about you. Just one. I'll keep that to myself.
I didn't realize how circumstantial imperfections were until I met you. It's funny how they fade into beauty after time... And as a side note I'm not secretly in love with you as I've said before but I do love you. Don't tell...xx
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Carry On, Carry On as if nothing really matters...
Yeah so it's five am I just rolled in. Tonight was amazing best part I didn't drink as much as I have the past few weeks. I feel better honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted.
Only bad part I must mention was that Shannon was there. I swear she is such a moron sometimes. She thinks I'm mad at her because Ruari and her are "friends" please. I could care less who Ruari associates with. What am I his mother? She needs to grow up she makes it seem like middle school. OOh OOH brittnee is mad at me because a boy she cares about is friends with me. I believe and I quote shannon said, "brittnee will get over it she's just jealous that Ru wants to fuck me and not her." She needs to take that middle school bullshit somewhere else. If she really thinks that's the issue here she needs to stay away from me because she has no concerns for my feelings what so ever. Why am I constantly surrounded by idiotic people out for themselves, just out to see who the next person they can fuck over is? Oh yeah and before you start on oh she's your sister you shouldn't talk about her like that try again. Her dad adopted me when I was eight first off and second I'm more of a sister to her than she will ever be to me so shut the fuck up and grow the fuck up.
Otherwise amazing night. I sang again. Wasn't really up to it and I really didn't want to do that lame song but Lamarjorie said it would cheer her up so I did it. I had the anger I needed to fuel the song though honestly. What with wanting to kick someone's ass for making her cry like that and with my drama. I don't know. If he could only see how much she loves him and how much she hurts for him. I think it would do him some good. She doesn't deserve to hurt like that and I know he loves her but I swear I can't stand to see her like that. I just want to knock some fucking sense into that boy. He has got it made any guy would be lucky for her to even look at him let alone be his girlfriend. She is amazing she is going to do amazing things just because you're stressed, pissed whatever you are doesn't mean you can break her heart. You're breaking her heart. I'm not saying you're a bad guy because honestly I think you are one of the best I've ever or will ever meet but you've got to chill. She loves you she would do anything for you. You are a lucky man and it's about time you realized it because she is so close to perfect it scares me. I really hate seeing her cry. I swear I would do anything for her to never cry or feel hurt like she has been the past week or so ever again. she doesn't deserve it. she truly is too good for this world.
I don't know. we went back to the hop in hung out saw my married man. I love him I honestly do. I have really fucked myself royally. Doesn't matter. nothing really matters.
I did come to the realization that as long as I'm happy I don't give a shit who I'm with or where I am or what I'm doing. I would live a content life as long as I'm happy. Sure I want to make myself and yes I believe I'm meant for big things but if I could trade that all and just be happy fine you can have it. I don't care. I want to be happy. Seems like a fair trade giving up everything all my potential just to live a happy life.
I'm currently happy. I just wish she were... she's going to be alright. I'm going to be alright. You're going to be alright... incase you forgot...xx
oh and halloween party the 30th. Why the 30th well I plan on going downtown the 31st so I didn't want to fuck up those plans. HALLOWEEN is my favorite holiday I love it. I can't wait. You're all invited it's going to be awesome the list of people r.s.v.p-ing is growing as big as my smile right now. I love it... be good... be safe
Oh and for future reference TRAVIS rocks my socks and has to be one of the hottest guys I've ever seen in this town. STUNNING. oh and I heart Cordell Walker... night
Only bad part I must mention was that Shannon was there. I swear she is such a moron sometimes. She thinks I'm mad at her because Ruari and her are "friends" please. I could care less who Ruari associates with. What am I his mother? She needs to grow up she makes it seem like middle school. OOh OOH brittnee is mad at me because a boy she cares about is friends with me. I believe and I quote shannon said, "brittnee will get over it she's just jealous that Ru wants to fuck me and not her." She needs to take that middle school bullshit somewhere else. If she really thinks that's the issue here she needs to stay away from me because she has no concerns for my feelings what so ever. Why am I constantly surrounded by idiotic people out for themselves, just out to see who the next person they can fuck over is? Oh yeah and before you start on oh she's your sister you shouldn't talk about her like that try again. Her dad adopted me when I was eight first off and second I'm more of a sister to her than she will ever be to me so shut the fuck up and grow the fuck up.
Otherwise amazing night. I sang again. Wasn't really up to it and I really didn't want to do that lame song but Lamarjorie said it would cheer her up so I did it. I had the anger I needed to fuel the song though honestly. What with wanting to kick someone's ass for making her cry like that and with my drama. I don't know. If he could only see how much she loves him and how much she hurts for him. I think it would do him some good. She doesn't deserve to hurt like that and I know he loves her but I swear I can't stand to see her like that. I just want to knock some fucking sense into that boy. He has got it made any guy would be lucky for her to even look at him let alone be his girlfriend. She is amazing she is going to do amazing things just because you're stressed, pissed whatever you are doesn't mean you can break her heart. You're breaking her heart. I'm not saying you're a bad guy because honestly I think you are one of the best I've ever or will ever meet but you've got to chill. She loves you she would do anything for you. You are a lucky man and it's about time you realized it because she is so close to perfect it scares me. I really hate seeing her cry. I swear I would do anything for her to never cry or feel hurt like she has been the past week or so ever again. she doesn't deserve it. she truly is too good for this world.
I don't know. we went back to the hop in hung out saw my married man. I love him I honestly do. I have really fucked myself royally. Doesn't matter. nothing really matters.
I did come to the realization that as long as I'm happy I don't give a shit who I'm with or where I am or what I'm doing. I would live a content life as long as I'm happy. Sure I want to make myself and yes I believe I'm meant for big things but if I could trade that all and just be happy fine you can have it. I don't care. I want to be happy. Seems like a fair trade giving up everything all my potential just to live a happy life.
I'm currently happy. I just wish she were... she's going to be alright. I'm going to be alright. You're going to be alright... incase you forgot...xx
oh and halloween party the 30th. Why the 30th well I plan on going downtown the 31st so I didn't want to fuck up those plans. HALLOWEEN is my favorite holiday I love it. I can't wait. You're all invited it's going to be awesome the list of people r.s.v.p-ing is growing as big as my smile right now. I love it... be good... be safe
Oh and for future reference TRAVIS rocks my socks and has to be one of the hottest guys I've ever seen in this town. STUNNING. oh and I heart Cordell Walker... night
Saturday, October 07, 2006
You move like I want to, to see like your eyes do
First off have you seen the moon tonight?
second we went to main campus Wed. Night I believe and we threw coins into the fountain I made five wishes as follows. I won't go in to details because then they won't come true.
1. For lamarjorie
2. For you
3. For my family and friends
4. For this world
and lastly for myself. I see where I stand in the grand scheme of things and the sad this is my wish wasn't really for me. I wished that I could change this world that I could make a difference. Now on to more serious issues it's going to be a novel...
My life has really been put into the right perspective lately. I've realized that things aren't as permanent as they seem or feel rather. Things feel so secure so reliable and honestly that makes me feel uncomfortable. Because in the past this security would have made me build up a sort of dependency and it always falls through. I've learned from the past and I know better. I know I'm not promised another moment with you any more than I'm promised tomorrow. Nothing is as set in stone as it seems sometimes. Which is why I prefer distance from most people. This time two years ago I was a very different person. I was the girl always to herself I was so focused on school and my goals that I didn't have time for anything else. I didn't really have anyone that I would call a friend. I was focused on my life and myself alone then something changed in me. I don't know if it was this mouthy short little Jewish Mexican black Irish girl who broke me out of my shell and got me talking or if it's part of growing up but I starting thinking maybe it would be nice to have people in my life. I didn't care about friends or the world as a whole in general. I was out for bettering myself end of story. God, I've changed so much. I care about this world and the people in it more than I ever thought I would but I'm not so sure I should.
I was reading a friends blog (whether he considers me a friend or not I still think highly of him his opinions and writing ability) he said he used to want to save the world but now he's not so sure the world deserves it. I agree with this statement. You can give and give and give all you have. You can give all of you to this world and the people in it and it seems like the more you give the more the world constantly fucks you over. The world and I don't have a good relationship. It's not a mutual give and take deal it's one sided. I give the world takes and ignores me after it's had what it wants from me. I try and help anyway I can yet the world doesn't ask if I'm the one who really needs help. I'm not saying everyone in this world is like that I'm just saying a vast majority are. I know I used to be one of them. Only out for what I can get no matter the cost or who gets hurt. I'm not like that anymore but I see myself becoming more and more jaded daily. I have faith in this world but there is so much you can take before you cut the strings. I want to help people I care about the world. I don't want to be the girl I was two years ago a year ago even. I think that's one of the worlds biggest problems there is a lack of people who give a damn. Don't let the world jade you there is so much good and so many people out there like me and you granted they are few and far between and getting harder to find but they do exist.
I was thinking also maybe it's not that the world doesn't deserve it but maybe the world doesn't want to be saved. Maybe that's the bigger issue here the world doesn't want your or my or her help. I give without being asked maybe that's where I'm confusing the line here. I give but the world never asked for my help so when it's not eager to lend a hand to me I have to remember it never asked for my hand to begin with. So, if I'm crushed or jaded or hurt it's my own fault not the worlds.
I don't know I'm going to bed. I've got a lot on my mind lately. I'm starting back school in January so it feels like I'm getting my life back in the right direction.
All I ever wanted to do was make you smile. I guess where I messed up was the fact that you never asked me to. This is my fault...xx
second we went to main campus Wed. Night I believe and we threw coins into the fountain I made five wishes as follows. I won't go in to details because then they won't come true.
1. For lamarjorie
2. For you
3. For my family and friends
4. For this world
and lastly for myself. I see where I stand in the grand scheme of things and the sad this is my wish wasn't really for me. I wished that I could change this world that I could make a difference. Now on to more serious issues it's going to be a novel...
My life has really been put into the right perspective lately. I've realized that things aren't as permanent as they seem or feel rather. Things feel so secure so reliable and honestly that makes me feel uncomfortable. Because in the past this security would have made me build up a sort of dependency and it always falls through. I've learned from the past and I know better. I know I'm not promised another moment with you any more than I'm promised tomorrow. Nothing is as set in stone as it seems sometimes. Which is why I prefer distance from most people. This time two years ago I was a very different person. I was the girl always to herself I was so focused on school and my goals that I didn't have time for anything else. I didn't really have anyone that I would call a friend. I was focused on my life and myself alone then something changed in me. I don't know if it was this mouthy short little Jewish Mexican black Irish girl who broke me out of my shell and got me talking or if it's part of growing up but I starting thinking maybe it would be nice to have people in my life. I didn't care about friends or the world as a whole in general. I was out for bettering myself end of story. God, I've changed so much. I care about this world and the people in it more than I ever thought I would but I'm not so sure I should.
I was reading a friends blog (whether he considers me a friend or not I still think highly of him his opinions and writing ability) he said he used to want to save the world but now he's not so sure the world deserves it. I agree with this statement. You can give and give and give all you have. You can give all of you to this world and the people in it and it seems like the more you give the more the world constantly fucks you over. The world and I don't have a good relationship. It's not a mutual give and take deal it's one sided. I give the world takes and ignores me after it's had what it wants from me. I try and help anyway I can yet the world doesn't ask if I'm the one who really needs help. I'm not saying everyone in this world is like that I'm just saying a vast majority are. I know I used to be one of them. Only out for what I can get no matter the cost or who gets hurt. I'm not like that anymore but I see myself becoming more and more jaded daily. I have faith in this world but there is so much you can take before you cut the strings. I want to help people I care about the world. I don't want to be the girl I was two years ago a year ago even. I think that's one of the worlds biggest problems there is a lack of people who give a damn. Don't let the world jade you there is so much good and so many people out there like me and you granted they are few and far between and getting harder to find but they do exist.
I was thinking also maybe it's not that the world doesn't deserve it but maybe the world doesn't want to be saved. Maybe that's the bigger issue here the world doesn't want your or my or her help. I give without being asked maybe that's where I'm confusing the line here. I give but the world never asked for my help so when it's not eager to lend a hand to me I have to remember it never asked for my hand to begin with. So, if I'm crushed or jaded or hurt it's my own fault not the worlds.
I don't know I'm going to bed. I've got a lot on my mind lately. I'm starting back school in January so it feels like I'm getting my life back in the right direction.
All I ever wanted to do was make you smile. I guess where I messed up was the fact that you never asked me to. This is my fault...xx
Thursday, October 05, 2006
life on repeat
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found It won't be the same,
I didn't get around to kiss you, goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again,
I know that I can't,
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly The day, you,
slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same,
I have had my wake up
Won't you wake up.
I keep asking why.
I can't take it It wasn't fake.
It happened you passed by.
Now your gone now your gone
There you go There you go
Somewere I can't bring you back
The day, you, slipped away Was the day I found
it won't be the same, No, the day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same,
I miss you
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found It won't be the same,
I didn't get around to kiss you, goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again,
I know that I can't,
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly The day, you,
slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same,
I have had my wake up
Won't you wake up.
I keep asking why.
I can't take it It wasn't fake.
It happened you passed by.
Now your gone now your gone
There you go There you go
Somewere I can't bring you back
The day, you, slipped away Was the day I found
it won't be the same, No, the day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same,
I miss you
Now I know that I did somethin wrong 'cause I missed you
I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me that I'm clever
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you
I think things are going to be okay...xx
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me that I'm clever
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you
I think things are going to be okay...xx
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Emotional Rape
It's what we do...
So after a lovely evening last night I found my way to the hop-in. For various reasons that aren't really important enough to discuss but I ended up talking to Tawf nearly the entire night.
I guess he has a sixth sense and he knew I was doing shitty. Actually the past two week have been ones I should soon like to forget. Moving on. We sat outside and talked for an hour or so and this boy has his head on straight let me tell you. I think he's one of the most amazing people you will ever meet.
He told me there are two types of people in this world. The ones who get hurt and the ass holes. I tend to agree granted sometimes the lines get blurred but for the most part it's exactly right. There are the people who fuck you over and the people who take it. Now the people who fuck you over are people users they are out to get what they want from you then leave you behind. They don't care who they hurt or if they hurt someone. I know several people like this. And the "wastebaskets" care too much and even after you've say stabbed someone in the back they would probably still help you in anyway they can. I know an equal amount of these as well. I've decided I'm not going to be either of these types of people. I'm going to blur the lines and just be me. I said I was too good for this town and everyone in it and he agreed. We were talking about how we hate our jobs how we're too smart to make a career out of mediocre jobs. I thought I was being cocky but he completely agreed with me so it's not cocky it's convinced. He was talking about back home and how it is in a third world country and it made my problems seem like they weren't all that important. They're not. The little drama I'm going threw is nothing and it doesn't make the top ten on my list in the grand scheme of things. We bounced back and forth talking about people and about how the more people I meet the more I lose faith in humanity. It's true about 80% of people are fucking over the rest of the world for me. I'm losing faith. I know there are good, amazing people out there and I truly believe tawf is one of the best but sometimes it's hard to believe there's better out there when you have gotten screwed so much in your life. I still have hope. I don't know this post is already a book long so I guess I will have a part two or whatever.
I think I may go to the cemetery today have some time alone...
Atleast acknowledge that I'm a human and I have emotions it's not cool to treat me like some object, like I'm not even a person. I would never treat someone like they don't exist. I exist God damn it. I'm real, I'm human... maybe you forgot. maybe you don't care... that's a shame...xx
So after a lovely evening last night I found my way to the hop-in. For various reasons that aren't really important enough to discuss but I ended up talking to Tawf nearly the entire night.
I guess he has a sixth sense and he knew I was doing shitty. Actually the past two week have been ones I should soon like to forget. Moving on. We sat outside and talked for an hour or so and this boy has his head on straight let me tell you. I think he's one of the most amazing people you will ever meet.
He told me there are two types of people in this world. The ones who get hurt and the ass holes. I tend to agree granted sometimes the lines get blurred but for the most part it's exactly right. There are the people who fuck you over and the people who take it. Now the people who fuck you over are people users they are out to get what they want from you then leave you behind. They don't care who they hurt or if they hurt someone. I know several people like this. And the "wastebaskets" care too much and even after you've say stabbed someone in the back they would probably still help you in anyway they can. I know an equal amount of these as well. I've decided I'm not going to be either of these types of people. I'm going to blur the lines and just be me. I said I was too good for this town and everyone in it and he agreed. We were talking about how we hate our jobs how we're too smart to make a career out of mediocre jobs. I thought I was being cocky but he completely agreed with me so it's not cocky it's convinced. He was talking about back home and how it is in a third world country and it made my problems seem like they weren't all that important. They're not. The little drama I'm going threw is nothing and it doesn't make the top ten on my list in the grand scheme of things. We bounced back and forth talking about people and about how the more people I meet the more I lose faith in humanity. It's true about 80% of people are fucking over the rest of the world for me. I'm losing faith. I know there are good, amazing people out there and I truly believe tawf is one of the best but sometimes it's hard to believe there's better out there when you have gotten screwed so much in your life. I still have hope. I don't know this post is already a book long so I guess I will have a part two or whatever.
I think I may go to the cemetery today have some time alone...
Atleast acknowledge that I'm a human and I have emotions it's not cool to treat me like some object, like I'm not even a person. I would never treat someone like they don't exist. I exist God damn it. I'm real, I'm human... maybe you forgot. maybe you don't care... that's a shame...xx
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
I take it back... Everything
I acknowledge that I made you feel jealous because of somethings I said about Johnathan. That was not my intent. I was saying sometimes it's nice to talk to someone with an outside perspective not that I was looking for a replacement of my best friend. You're not getting rid of me that easy so get over it. If we're putting all the cards on the table here I'm honestly of a little jealous un named party myself. Only a little because I know I have no right to be because you have a history which I have no problem with in the least. All I'm saying is I didn't mean to make you jealous. And for the record I only mean about half the shit I say and the other have is just whatever comes to mind there's not a huge thought process it's just a blog. Read it as if you aren't directly involved as if it's just some sad girl in cyber space... Pretend you don't know me when you read my words. I don't mean to offend, hurt, anger, anything at all really. It's just a release...xx believe me there are worse things I could do.
Monday, October 02, 2006
I wish you'd come around cause we're missing you
So it's been a few days and honestly I was going to discontinue the use of this blog. I had every intention of never writing on it again. Why? It seems two of the people I care about a great deal and hold in high regards got hurt, pissed, upset, I'm not sure whatever you want to call it. They had issues with my blog and things I have said on it. Here's what I must say to that before we go any further if the post was meant for you I would have addressed you as I often do. Nothing I said was said maliciously it was simply things going on in my life. I have said nothing to make anyone jealous (Beth) or to "take" a friend of a friend (R.M.R). That's not me at all. If you knew me you would know. So assuming you still read this (r.m.r) I didn't mean to hmm what's the word offend you perhaps. If anything on my blog was about you I would have told you believe me. If any of it was directed to you I would have made that clear. I apologize for any misinterpretations or misconceptions or mistranslations. That seems to be happening a lot lately which it why I was going to stop writing here all together but I've decided I like writing entirely too much to let this get me down and maybe I can make the wrongs right. Maybe not but it's worth the effort because I hold you in such high regards (r.m.r and beth) Why I hold you on a pedestal barely knowing you I can't explain. There are people I admire in this world that I know a lot less than you (not that I know you) why? Their Words, their music, their views on life. I can't explain it but I saw something in you that I wanted to see in myself. Anyways, you're probably not reading this anymore. I hate that... I hate how everything went down you have no idea how much. I'm still a little dazed. I wish there was something I could have said but honestly sometimes my emotions have no filters and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean. Which is why I had to walk away. It was the adult thing to do. I'm still hoping we can actually talk because I think you have me all wrong. I don't know what happened, what you heard, what was misinterpreted but I assure you it's wrong. Not your fault, and no I'm not trying to make myself the victim out of this situation nor you the villian. Why does there even have to be a victim or villian? I just want you to know you have me figured out wrong and I know this is partly my fault. I'm not who you think I am currently but I hope I can change your views with time. If not I thank you for the time given. I still admire you for different things and reasons. I still consider you a friend. Maybe I'm delosional but I'm not going to stop my side of the friendship even if you have. My friendship is unconditional believe me or not and I would still give the world to help you if you were in need. It's just who I am. Take me or leave me. If you need me I'm there. Anytime. So yeah I hope you read this you have no idea how much...
But now moving on to other issues that have nothing to do with the above issues so we are clear. J.H. Thinks I am secretly "in love" with him. I love him granted I love him more than I should love him given the situation I will even give him that but am I in love with him? Hard to say but if my opinion counts for anything I would say no. I've never been "in love" I'm not even sure if there is an "in love" so far it's been a myth people make up to stay together. Is "in love" out there? Somewhere in my little girl mind I secretly hope it is. I hope it is with all my being but my grown up realistic side begs to differ. I think we can love people. I think we can love them very much. We can love them so much we would do anything for them. Is love real? Sure why not, but is unconditional, raw, unfiltered, no holding back anything, type of love you see in the movies real? Part of me wants to believe in it but once again the realistic side says I'm delosional. I want that kind of love to be out there and it may be. Is it out there for me? Who can tell? Am I in that kind of love with him? No for obvious reasons I'm not. Could I be if those obvious reasons were no longer reasons? Who knows. I love him but I won't allow myself to love him like the love I think he was speaking of. Once again obvious (to me) reasons why I won't. I don't want to get hurt being one of them. I don't want him to be hurt more importantly.
So anyways life as we know it right now is good. Fucked, ironic, and vindictive as life maybe it's still life and it's still amazing. I'm still hopeful and in love with life. I had a rough patch but I assure you (Beth) I'm over it for awhile. Mostly because I'm tired of hurting myself but also because of you. You can take a little credit.
Anyways I hope where ever you are that you are safe and happy. I hope we don't stay strangers for long and I hope you have a moment for me to explain myself before you completely dissolve our friendship. If not it was a pleasure to know such an interesting captivating person. I don't think I will ever meet another person like you and I think that's unfortunate. Be good, be safe, be happy, allow people to love you unconditionally and you in turn love them in your way regardless.
have a goodnight...xx
But now moving on to other issues that have nothing to do with the above issues so we are clear. J.H. Thinks I am secretly "in love" with him. I love him granted I love him more than I should love him given the situation I will even give him that but am I in love with him? Hard to say but if my opinion counts for anything I would say no. I've never been "in love" I'm not even sure if there is an "in love" so far it's been a myth people make up to stay together. Is "in love" out there? Somewhere in my little girl mind I secretly hope it is. I hope it is with all my being but my grown up realistic side begs to differ. I think we can love people. I think we can love them very much. We can love them so much we would do anything for them. Is love real? Sure why not, but is unconditional, raw, unfiltered, no holding back anything, type of love you see in the movies real? Part of me wants to believe in it but once again the realistic side says I'm delosional. I want that kind of love to be out there and it may be. Is it out there for me? Who can tell? Am I in that kind of love with him? No for obvious reasons I'm not. Could I be if those obvious reasons were no longer reasons? Who knows. I love him but I won't allow myself to love him like the love I think he was speaking of. Once again obvious (to me) reasons why I won't. I don't want to get hurt being one of them. I don't want him to be hurt more importantly.
So anyways life as we know it right now is good. Fucked, ironic, and vindictive as life maybe it's still life and it's still amazing. I'm still hopeful and in love with life. I had a rough patch but I assure you (Beth) I'm over it for awhile. Mostly because I'm tired of hurting myself but also because of you. You can take a little credit.
Anyways I hope where ever you are that you are safe and happy. I hope we don't stay strangers for long and I hope you have a moment for me to explain myself before you completely dissolve our friendship. If not it was a pleasure to know such an interesting captivating person. I don't think I will ever meet another person like you and I think that's unfortunate. Be good, be safe, be happy, allow people to love you unconditionally and you in turn love them in your way regardless.
have a goodnight...xx
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