Just a reminder to breathe

back in school... I'm taking earlier classes... I don't like getting up in the morning... it's not really that early it's just early for me... I like my class so far but I've only been back one day so...
My life is back to normal... all the drama is over... for the most part, I like it at times, but then I find it insanely boring at others... everyone needs a little something extra in their lives... I just got more than I asked for... other than that things are well... well enough...xx

There is no future... there is no past...

Updates and Randomness...
Registration is tomorrow... I'm ready for this to be over...
We ran from a stalker in wal-mart i felt alive... terrified... but alive
Anderson's friend Sonny looks like the American version of Jesus
I think I'll be a tattoo artist one day... I have good flow...
I'm going to see Deftones in a few months...
I'm moving into a new house...
My older half brother is the smartest man I know...
Spring break is go...
I don't miss him...
Lamarjorie is my art project...
I miss Joseph...

So there's not much going on I'm in a phase where I just... I don't care... about anything really... I may not write for a while... at least not on here... if you see me around make sure I'm still breathing...xx

Thanks for reminding me why I forgot to miss you in the first place...

you are nothing... you will always be nothing... you will always have nothing... stop bitching about the company you keep because you made your bed now lay in it like the dog you are... you have no regards for other's feelings... only your own... I feel sorry for you... and I feel even more sorry for your wife... and your many delusional friends who think I was the predator in the kill... I was the prey... and you killed me well... you better get what you have to say to me out now because it's going to be awfully hard to hear you from the top... One day I will forget your name... your touch... your kiss... but you... in your misery will remember me until your last breath... you had your chance time and again... because I let you... don't think you could have gotten as far as you did on your own... You mean nothing to me... you were a game... I forgot that along the way... but... it turns out I win after all... so thanks for playing... it was a pleasure... really... karma it the only farewell I leave you with... oh and one more thought... don't tell yourself that I've been meaning to miss you because I don't... what I miss was a lie... and you are a liar... but I knew that all along... thank you for the lessons and other unmentionable things... I got what I wanted from you... and a little extra I didn't plan or want... but I got mine... how does it feel to be used?

And though they say it's possible to me...

I don't see how it's probable
I see the course we're on
Spinning farther from what i know
Ill hold on
Tell me that you won't let go

Is it possible to miss fractions of a person... stolen moments... all we ever had were stolen moments and yet sometimes I want those moments back... not necessarily to relive them... but more to decide if I even want them at all... things have been a blur for months... my head it cloudy... would I have made different decisions if I had, had a little more clarity... I don't know... I won't ever know... because it happen the way it did and at that moment those stolen moments were exactly what I wanted... I got what I wanted... and so did he...xx

Oportunistic Lover

You fill me up to the top
expose every hidden part
I was afraid to show
leave no bend no curve
no place undiscovered
uncovered O. Lover

And I am yours only
for this night
and everything but
the timing is right
shadows dance off your
body in the artificial light
uncovered O. Lover

There's nothing but you
and I and this heat
your words and my signs
are far from discreet
and once again I am
knocked head over feet
uncovered O. Lover

And then eventually
after I've come undone
you fall asleep
and out comes the sun
and somehow
I wish we'd only just begun
uncovered O. Lover

So quietly I leave
before you wake
and the only thing
that I take
is the memory of
a few moments of bliss
and I save for later
a Goodbye Kiss
you're discovered
O. Lover

for you...

Floating away...

in the grand scheme of things you are a dot of nothingness in my life of everything...

I can feel myself slipping away some days... some days all I want to do is run... I know I can't and that makes me feel trapped... all I feel is trapped lately... I don't like feeling like this... not at all...xx

thin red ribbions of freedom
remind me that I'm alive
thin crimson rivers flow
from an unending source
no matter how many times
or how weak my wrist
it's the release I feel
that I can't resist
I hide the scars on my wrists
with many colored bracelets
and the scars on the inside
with this fake smile
this facade I put on for you
so you don't feel anything but comfort
is a lie
I'm dying
and you're clueless
as always

someday I'll fly away...

TripleAOkay

Well this quarter is over... looks like I pulled off three A's... hooray... really... I would kill for a challenge... my advisor suggested taking harder classes but the only think I am horrible in is math (and I can't spell worth a shit) everything else is a breeze... I'll just be glad when I get my associates and can move on to a wider terrain of challenges... I hope... I honestly don't like sailing through... I like the challenge... I thrive off of it... but I guess I should complain there are kids just barely making it... so I'm thankful for being smart... but I don't feel like I'm exercising what I've got... I'm going to double up and take more classes this quarter... see if that helps...
So... spring break... yeah I'm doing absolutely nothing... well if things go swiftly I'm moving soon... this house is too big... I want something smaller... we'll see how it goes... it's nice to have complete control over your surroundings...
I've been having whacked out dreams about things I know could never happen... just insane dreams I don't know if it's my interrupted sleep of the past two nights or what but... my dreams... amazing I don't think the world could handle them if it was reality... more later
...xx

The suns gonna rise in awhile...

I'm going to have to learn to be okay when I hear his name... more importantly when I hear people talking shit they know nothing about... me wanting him is a joke... it was the other way around... he wanted me... I never paid him any attention until a good while after we had been friends... so don't think of me as some poor little girl who had a crush... he knew exactly what he was after and it wasn't mutual in the beginning... I remember early on in our friendship he said he would never cheat on his wife... and I thought him this good person because I could tell even then how much he wanted me... but lust turns good men into the words they swear by... they're still good men... but the pedestal he was on is gone... I suppose the same goes for me I was an angel and I turned into a home wrecker overnight... but I've finally come to grips that the marriage is and was falling apart before I stepped in and it take two people to cheat... I never asked him to get in my bed... I never asked him for anything so get your stories straight... don't make me out to be anything but what I am... I'm no angel but I'm not a home wrecker either... he's doing a good job of that on his own he doesn't need me...

This is the last week of school I have a final I didn't study for in an hour...

I'm not waiting... I'm not waiting on anyone or anything... life is much too short to spend your life waiting on someone to make up their mind... I know that now... I've known it for awhile... I can't depend on someone else for my happiness and I don't... I make my own happiness... I make my own sunshine... I don't need him or anyone else to be happy...

dont let her read this day on my face when i come home

I feel like I'm suffocating... and the temporary moments where I feel like I can breathe, where I feel in general, are few and far between... The only time I feel free or alive lately is when I'm driving which I've been doing a great deal lately, just driving to some unknown destination far away from... I honestly don't know what I've been driving away from or even what or where I'm driving to... I get this way sometimes... restless... where I just want to drive to the middle of no where... I'd like to find a large open field where I can look in any direction and see nothing... I just want to lay there until the sun sets and the stars come out... then I want to lay there the entire night and find some clarity in that moment... I have been busting my ass for some unknown goal since 2004 and I still have no clue when I'll be able to sit for a moment and just be still... have no demands placed on my shoulders, have no worries, no cares, just nothingness... I took my childhood (as short as it was) for granted and I know that now... I think I'm going to regress later in life and have the childhood I never got to have... I'm going to do everything I never got to do... sooner rather than later... I feel old sometimes... I've felt older than my age since I was a kid... I always knew how the real world was... always knew limitations... I just want my hope and faith restored... I don't like to feel like this body is just dying a slow death around me... I miss feeling invincible... I miss feeling like I could do anything... I have more power to do things now and more things in my reach than I've ever had but things seem so far sometimes...
I miss my dreams... I miss feeling... I don't know... I just feel dead inside...xx

the rush takes hold...

Now that I think about it... you probably are really busy I know the moments I have to spare for kill time are few and far between as the rush of the end of the quarter draws dangerously near... when you have a moment... at your convenience... hi... how are you?

I wish you'd stop ignoring me, because you're sending me to despair...

Without a sound you’re calling me,
and I don't think it's very fair
That your shoulders are frozen, cold as the night
Oh you’re an explosion, you’re dynamite

I'm not one of those girls who needs constant validation of my existence but a simple hello in reply doesn't seem like I'm asking a lot of you... no commitment.... no I do... just hi, thanks for the well wishes I'm well and how are you? whether you care to know or not it's common courtesy... but I understand you lead a very busy very demanding schedule which it's why I'm okay with being virtually ignored... but in case you didn't get my message... by some chance... Hi, how are you? Hope you are well. Have a nice day...
God sometimes I just feel _ _ _ _... maybe it's all me, I wish I didn't care but I do... only slightly just as one friend to another... simply that and nothing more... and I'm sorry for putting my feelings on your shoulders without you know but I do care and believe it or not you do effect me... yeah that's me being venerable... it's not going to kill me it just stings a little... I really do hope you are well... I hope that life is taking it easy on you and that you have moments to breathe without the weight of the world on your shoulders and at you're back door... I mean that... take care... be safe...

Oh there ain't no love no,
Montague’s or Capulet's
just banging tunes in DJ sets and
Dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness

Twit-Er-Pate-Ed...

Love is in the air everywhere I look around ;D

it's nice to see people in the first stages of what may bloom into an unmentionable word... what I mean to say is it's good to see you smiling again Kenzie... the big dumb grin has returned...

speaking of returns... I've been talking to another unmentionable party... for brief fractions of time here and there... he seems good though I've heard different... I miss him... I do but I know we can't go back to the way things were... I don't think I could let him in like I did... I was venerable and I can't be like that again... I've got to stop feeling sorry for him when he says things like my life sucks and I know the only relief I'll get is when I die... he made his bed, no one forced him to marry her so he's got to either get out of his situation or quit his bitching and moaning... you can have your cake and eat it to, to an extent but soon the party involved realizes she's being used and cuts off the supply... now either you can turn to the plain old uninteresting cake you wed and accept it or you can find another cake... an interesting rare fresh new cake you don't meet everyday who still can recognize and appreciate the most life has to offer and offers the most she can give in return... wait... pause... what the fuck was that? I honestly don't think I could take him back in if he left her... I think it would be too hard... there are things I miss not to get too graphic... he has perfected a few techniques shall we say but more than that I miss talking to him... but mostly the sex ;) and that thing he did with his well I'll let you use your imagination... I'm kidding (but not really)...

So moving on two more weeks of school... and then a lovely spring break... maybe I'll go on a road trip or something to clear my mind... just drive in one direction until I get tired of driving that type deal...xx

You have to find out what's worth the Risks you take and make it yours...

Nobody could hurt me like I know she could hurt me
but there's nothing in this world that I want more
Nobody could take me to the places that she takes me
Places that I've never been before
With my eyes wide open knowing full well
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall I could break that's the chance that I take
I could fall
Look at me I'm flying, a breath away from dying
Holding on to her and letting go
As I walk across this wire above a lake of fire
And lean into the wind that starts to blow
With my eyes wide open knowing full well
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall I could brake that's the chance that I take
I could fall
Do I hide my heart?
Do I lock my door?
Do I tear it out so it don't feel no more?
No, I risk it all knowing that
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
Fall, fall

Remember when... I haven't forgotten...xx