Though apparently it's not a secret to anyone but me or so I'm told. Anyways I also think I'm mildly bi-polar which seems to go hand in hand with me being emo and further proves the point. I'm in a much better mood today because I've started a healthy diet. (not a starving myself diet) and so far I've stuck with it for two days now (which may not seem like a lot but it's the little steps) I'm going to start walking after I get off work if I don't join a gym (or can't afford it) it's hard living on your own. I'm sure a lot of you know that. Anyways so I thought I would write down some motivations to go back to when I feel like giving up. It's pretty much in the order it's written.
1. Being Healthy
2. I promised myself an I-pod if I get down to a weight I like.
3. To make him do double take (among other things totally innocent I promise)
4. For my own shallow reasons. (which everyone has I'm just the one admitting I have them too many to write down)
5. So I can start dancing again (I used to take ballet up until I was about 12.) dance is something I have a passion for and I miss being comfortable doing it.
6. So I can have the confidence to get up in front of people and sing
7. So I can look uber skinny girls in the face and laugh (because they've probably been skinny all their lives and never had a problem with weight and I actually earned my body and worked for it) I guess that could have gone in selfish shallow reasons but eh?
That's more than enough motivation. So wish me luck because I'm finally taking the actions needed to be fit and healthy and it's going to happen. The right way. I feel rejuvenate and the next few months though difficult are going to be worth it in the end. XO
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
Secret 37: I hate myself.
You think this would make me unhappy but it really doesn't. I can honestly whole heartedly say that I hate myself. I'm a good person but I think that's the only thing I have going for me.
Today I'm in one of my "I really hate myself" moods. Like I look in the mirror and I think if I weren't me and I was someone else looking at me from the outside I probably wouldn't hang with me. I probably wouldn't talk to me. I'm to a point where I am so disgusted with myself I don't even like to look in the mirror. I feel pretty about less that 1% of the time. It's rare very rare. I know I'm being shallow and harsh on myself but so much in this world is about image. I'm just not happy with what I see. Sometimes I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I don't understand how I can find beauty in everyone but myself. I don't understand why I'm so hard on myself. I mean I beat myself up daily about my outward appearance. I remember it got so bad that when I was in middle school and highschool I wouldn't eat in front of people. I wouldn't eat at all. I basically starved myself. It got to a point where I was so used to not eating in front of people that I would have anxiety about it when I had to. I still sometimes have trouble eating in front of people. I mean sure when I was starving myself I got down to my lowest weight but I wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy. I'm not the healthiest person now nor the happiest so I think why not starve myself again? That's so twisted it sounds like an eating disorder to me. I mean if I'm going to have anxiety about eating and feel guilty even when I eat a little bit why eat? I mean sure there's that whole I have to eat to live thing but maybe I could eat just enough to get by. I know that's not the healthy way to do but sometimes I get hopeless. I mean I've lost about 30 pounds since I started working but still it's like I lost thirty pounds and I still feel huge what did I look like before. I think I'm always going to have this image of myself. I mean I could be 100lbs and I'm still going to see fat. I don't want to diet and get so nit picky and obsessed that I wither away. (like the crackheads we see today in the media I'm not naming any names) I don't want to be anorexic. I want to be healthy and confident. I'm joining a gym as soon as I get my shit together. That's a first step also I've been eating a little healthier. When I eat. I think I had a eating disorder that was never dealt with it's screwed me up.
God, how do you work through years of hating yourself and being told you're shit? How do I get the negative images of myself brought on by myself and others out of my head? You know I have had a psychiatrist since I was in the 6th grade and I haven't seen one in a year and I'm thinking maybe I need to go back. I just don't want to live the rest of my life on medications. I've been medication free for nearly two years now. I'm just starting to get back to where I feel again and can remember things. Sometimes I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
Will I ever get out of the fucked up category and be able to be somewhat normal? I just want to be able to look in the mirror without finding some flaw. How do you feel beautiful when you've never felt beautiful?
XO Noah. I'm not unhappy but I'm not in love.
Today I'm in one of my "I really hate myself" moods. Like I look in the mirror and I think if I weren't me and I was someone else looking at me from the outside I probably wouldn't hang with me. I probably wouldn't talk to me. I'm to a point where I am so disgusted with myself I don't even like to look in the mirror. I feel pretty about less that 1% of the time. It's rare very rare. I know I'm being shallow and harsh on myself but so much in this world is about image. I'm just not happy with what I see. Sometimes I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I don't understand how I can find beauty in everyone but myself. I don't understand why I'm so hard on myself. I mean I beat myself up daily about my outward appearance. I remember it got so bad that when I was in middle school and highschool I wouldn't eat in front of people. I wouldn't eat at all. I basically starved myself. It got to a point where I was so used to not eating in front of people that I would have anxiety about it when I had to. I still sometimes have trouble eating in front of people. I mean sure when I was starving myself I got down to my lowest weight but I wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy. I'm not the healthiest person now nor the happiest so I think why not starve myself again? That's so twisted it sounds like an eating disorder to me. I mean if I'm going to have anxiety about eating and feel guilty even when I eat a little bit why eat? I mean sure there's that whole I have to eat to live thing but maybe I could eat just enough to get by. I know that's not the healthy way to do but sometimes I get hopeless. I mean I've lost about 30 pounds since I started working but still it's like I lost thirty pounds and I still feel huge what did I look like before. I think I'm always going to have this image of myself. I mean I could be 100lbs and I'm still going to see fat. I don't want to diet and get so nit picky and obsessed that I wither away. (like the crackheads we see today in the media I'm not naming any names) I don't want to be anorexic. I want to be healthy and confident. I'm joining a gym as soon as I get my shit together. That's a first step also I've been eating a little healthier. When I eat. I think I had a eating disorder that was never dealt with it's screwed me up.
God, how do you work through years of hating yourself and being told you're shit? How do I get the negative images of myself brought on by myself and others out of my head? You know I have had a psychiatrist since I was in the 6th grade and I haven't seen one in a year and I'm thinking maybe I need to go back. I just don't want to live the rest of my life on medications. I've been medication free for nearly two years now. I'm just starting to get back to where I feel again and can remember things. Sometimes I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
Will I ever get out of the fucked up category and be able to be somewhat normal? I just want to be able to look in the mirror without finding some flaw. How do you feel beautiful when you've never felt beautiful?
XO Noah. I'm not unhappy but I'm not in love.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Secrets
I heard about this blog where you send in post cards with secrets on them. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ and I thought about it and I was thinking I don't really have any secret secrets but then I read some of these peoples post cards and I realized I have a hell of a lot more secrets than I care to admit, but I'm going to try to so here goes (I'll over analyze in more detail later)
1. I have a paralyzing fear of failure example: I still haven't gone back to college even though it's been three quarters because I'm afraid I'll be a failure.
2.I don't want to get close to my father now that I'm an adult because he's not in the best of health and I know I would get attatched and I have too many things going on to deal with him dying at this point in my life.
3.I use my physical appearance as a shield to protect me from getting close to others. (this will make more sense later)
4.I say I don't have time for a relationship and don't want to deal with the drama when really I do I'm just afraid to get attactched to a guy because of my trust issues.
5. I self sabotage myself before I get in to deep (school, relationships) because I feel like if I mess it up or end it then I'm still in control.
6. Sometimes I wish I were still medicated so I wouldn't have to feel.
7. I wish everyday was Halloween so I wouldn't have to spend oneday as me.
8. I live a double life not by choice and I wish that it were okay to just be me the good and the bad. Example:I want another tattoo but I already have to hide the one I have because of my family.
9. Everyonce in a while I like to hurt myself (physically or mentally)
10. I don't think I'm worth anyone's time to get to know.
11. I feel like my body is a prison. I've felt trapted since I was 8.
12. I don't like people to know I'm smart because they're already intimidated by me.
13. I would give up everything I own for him to think of me.
14. I manipulate my mom because I know she feels guilty about my childhood.
15. I write everyday or I get stressed out.
16. I use sarcasm to tell people how I really feel because I don't want to hurt their feelings.
17. I was almost institutionalized when I was in highschool but they wouldn't take me because I told them I didn't want to kill myself (though I had already tried.)
18. Even when I was thinner I would still look in the mirror and cry.
19. I use humor to deal with issues that aren't even remotely funny.
20. I'm still afraid to eat in front of people. I have anxiety everytime I go to a restraunt even now.
21. I get nervous around large groups of people my age sometimes and I want to run away.
22. I faked ADD because I heard Aterol would make you thin.
23. I always go for guys that I know are wrong for me so the relationship is doomed from the start because I have a fear of a long term relationship.
24. I used September 11 as a excuse not to go back to school(a military school) when the real reason was because I knew my mom couldn't afford it.
25. When I was in highschool I would never invite friends over because I was ashamed I lived in a trailer.
Okay I think this is a good stopping point. I have to get ready for work. I didn't think I had that many but they just keep on coming. With that said goodnight.
To be continued...
1. I have a paralyzing fear of failure example: I still haven't gone back to college even though it's been three quarters because I'm afraid I'll be a failure.
2.I don't want to get close to my father now that I'm an adult because he's not in the best of health and I know I would get attatched and I have too many things going on to deal with him dying at this point in my life.
3.I use my physical appearance as a shield to protect me from getting close to others. (this will make more sense later)
4.I say I don't have time for a relationship and don't want to deal with the drama when really I do I'm just afraid to get attactched to a guy because of my trust issues.
5. I self sabotage myself before I get in to deep (school, relationships) because I feel like if I mess it up or end it then I'm still in control.
6. Sometimes I wish I were still medicated so I wouldn't have to feel.
7. I wish everyday was Halloween so I wouldn't have to spend oneday as me.
8. I live a double life not by choice and I wish that it were okay to just be me the good and the bad. Example:I want another tattoo but I already have to hide the one I have because of my family.
9. Everyonce in a while I like to hurt myself (physically or mentally)
10. I don't think I'm worth anyone's time to get to know.
11. I feel like my body is a prison. I've felt trapted since I was 8.
12. I don't like people to know I'm smart because they're already intimidated by me.
13. I would give up everything I own for him to think of me.
14. I manipulate my mom because I know she feels guilty about my childhood.
15. I write everyday or I get stressed out.
16. I use sarcasm to tell people how I really feel because I don't want to hurt their feelings.
17. I was almost institutionalized when I was in highschool but they wouldn't take me because I told them I didn't want to kill myself (though I had already tried.)
18. Even when I was thinner I would still look in the mirror and cry.
19. I use humor to deal with issues that aren't even remotely funny.
20. I'm still afraid to eat in front of people. I have anxiety everytime I go to a restraunt even now.
21. I get nervous around large groups of people my age sometimes and I want to run away.
22. I faked ADD because I heard Aterol would make you thin.
23. I always go for guys that I know are wrong for me so the relationship is doomed from the start because I have a fear of a long term relationship.
24. I used September 11 as a excuse not to go back to school(a military school) when the real reason was because I knew my mom couldn't afford it.
25. When I was in highschool I would never invite friends over because I was ashamed I lived in a trailer.
Okay I think this is a good stopping point. I have to get ready for work. I didn't think I had that many but they just keep on coming. With that said goodnight.
To be continued...
My past
This has turned into the Emo uber depressed blog. I have another it's happy and positive I guess this blog is my alter ego.
today I'm just reminiscing on old times. I look back at my past and I have no clue what in the hell happened. It's like at on point I just went insane. I don't like to think about my past or the people in it. But sometimes it just gets thrown in your face.
I was just born into abandonment and disappointment. I need to break that pattern before I get stuck in it. Some of it wasn't my fault mind you but a lot of it has been. A lot of it was preventable on my part.
Lets start with that which wasn't my fault for a moment. You know my dad was a drug addict who abandoned my mother and I when I was four. That's one of my earliest memories. Wondering where's my dad why don't I have a dad like normal kids (or what I thought was normal when I was a kid) You know I've held so much hate in my heart for this man for so long. I remember hating him and for what he had done at a very small age. A age when hate should be the furthest thing from a kids mind. Then I grew up. I eventually had a step dad who adopted me and then unadopted me I'm not even going to start on that story but I have issues with abandonment there because after the divorce he forgot I existed and he was my dad from 8 to nearly 15 which are very important years. I mean you're already having a hard enough time with teenage drama. But anyways we're not talking about him so back to my biological sperm donor. You know I see this man today and it's like any other stranger. I don't know him. I don't know anything about him. I don't know that side of my family. I hate that. I'm really big on family and I know all of one cousin and my grandmother on that side. And I barely know them at all. I can't even tell you their last names. I've wanted to be in contact with them since I was a kid but my fathers not close to them so he would never give me any clues to where they even were. Maybe I'm better off not knowing them I guess I'll never know. But the not knowing my dad that hurts. The few things I know about him are negative. Like he was a drug addict he cheated on my mom numerous times with random people as well as her friends. He's homeless. He's never held a steady job in his life. He's a bum in every sense of the word. And I hate that my mom had to struggle to pick up the slack for him. I hate that she had to work in a factory and never got the opportunity to go to college. I hate him for making her life as hard as it's been. He married her. He loved her the best way he knew how yet he still did those things to her. That's not love. I hate him for her sake. I hate him for hurting her more than I hate him for hurting me. I can deal with it I'm used to it but sometimes I feel so sorry for my mom because she wants to be married and be in a relationship with someone who feels the same way about her and now at 50 she feels like it's never going to happen. I hate that. I want her to be happy more than I want anyone in this world to be happy. I want her to be happy more than I want myself to be happy. I want her to be loved like she deserves.
you know I have trust issues with men because of this. I've never been in a serious relationship with someone I fully trust. I don't know if I ever will be. There are some days like today where I'd love to be in a relationship and be able to tell him this instead of blogging about it but then I think do I really want that extra drama. You know when you're fed that men are evil and that they're all dogs and will cause you nothing but pain you start to believe it. That's all I hear out of my mom and numerous female family members. They've been telling me that years. And it's like damnit let me decide let me make up my own opinions. I know they say it because they don't want me to get hurt but maybe I want to be hurt. It's got to be better than what I'm feeling now. sigh... Why can't my opinions be my own and not be a product of years of brainwash. Why can't I just trust people for who they are? Why can't I let go of the past and move on? I say I've moved on I don't dwell on it but some days I just get in a funk. I have to break this cycle before it's too late. XO Noah
today I'm just reminiscing on old times. I look back at my past and I have no clue what in the hell happened. It's like at on point I just went insane. I don't like to think about my past or the people in it. But sometimes it just gets thrown in your face.
I was just born into abandonment and disappointment. I need to break that pattern before I get stuck in it. Some of it wasn't my fault mind you but a lot of it has been. A lot of it was preventable on my part.
Lets start with that which wasn't my fault for a moment. You know my dad was a drug addict who abandoned my mother and I when I was four. That's one of my earliest memories. Wondering where's my dad why don't I have a dad like normal kids (or what I thought was normal when I was a kid) You know I've held so much hate in my heart for this man for so long. I remember hating him and for what he had done at a very small age. A age when hate should be the furthest thing from a kids mind. Then I grew up. I eventually had a step dad who adopted me and then unadopted me I'm not even going to start on that story but I have issues with abandonment there because after the divorce he forgot I existed and he was my dad from 8 to nearly 15 which are very important years. I mean you're already having a hard enough time with teenage drama. But anyways we're not talking about him so back to my biological sperm donor. You know I see this man today and it's like any other stranger. I don't know him. I don't know anything about him. I don't know that side of my family. I hate that. I'm really big on family and I know all of one cousin and my grandmother on that side. And I barely know them at all. I can't even tell you their last names. I've wanted to be in contact with them since I was a kid but my fathers not close to them so he would never give me any clues to where they even were. Maybe I'm better off not knowing them I guess I'll never know. But the not knowing my dad that hurts. The few things I know about him are negative. Like he was a drug addict he cheated on my mom numerous times with random people as well as her friends. He's homeless. He's never held a steady job in his life. He's a bum in every sense of the word. And I hate that my mom had to struggle to pick up the slack for him. I hate that she had to work in a factory and never got the opportunity to go to college. I hate him for making her life as hard as it's been. He married her. He loved her the best way he knew how yet he still did those things to her. That's not love. I hate him for her sake. I hate him for hurting her more than I hate him for hurting me. I can deal with it I'm used to it but sometimes I feel so sorry for my mom because she wants to be married and be in a relationship with someone who feels the same way about her and now at 50 she feels like it's never going to happen. I hate that. I want her to be happy more than I want anyone in this world to be happy. I want her to be happy more than I want myself to be happy. I want her to be loved like she deserves.
you know I have trust issues with men because of this. I've never been in a serious relationship with someone I fully trust. I don't know if I ever will be. There are some days like today where I'd love to be in a relationship and be able to tell him this instead of blogging about it but then I think do I really want that extra drama. You know when you're fed that men are evil and that they're all dogs and will cause you nothing but pain you start to believe it. That's all I hear out of my mom and numerous female family members. They've been telling me that years. And it's like damnit let me decide let me make up my own opinions. I know they say it because they don't want me to get hurt but maybe I want to be hurt. It's got to be better than what I'm feeling now. sigh... Why can't my opinions be my own and not be a product of years of brainwash. Why can't I just trust people for who they are? Why can't I let go of the past and move on? I say I've moved on I don't dwell on it but some days I just get in a funk. I have to break this cycle before it's too late. XO Noah
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Today I feel Empty. Happy but Empty.
Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows
Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play
The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you
The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you
Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves
Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash
The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry
Without you
The moon glows
The river flows
But I die
Without you
The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me,
blue
Without you
Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe
The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you
Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die
Without you
RENT 2005
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows
Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play
The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you
The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you
Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves
Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash
The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry
Without you
The moon glows
The river flows
But I die
Without you
The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me,
blue
Without you
Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe
The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you
Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die
Without you
RENT 2005
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