Midnight-inspiration

I am the headlights on a dark unending road
you are the brake lights stopping me as I go
you are the reflectors shinning back my life
you are the traffic lights never making up your mind
every thing's a blur scenery passing fast and slow
but I'm still leaving barely breathing as I go
I have to get away from the city away from the rain
to a place where no one knows my sins
where no one knows my name

Could you remind me because sometimes I forget... who am I? and how did I end up like this? Sometimes I just don't know... anything really... sometimes I feel like I'm barely existing and then at other times I feel like I've never been so alive in my life. I just wish I could put everything on pause... just breathe for a while...xx

Re-@iM@t-eD

Friday, August 11, 2006
about a boy...
He is a captivating beauty among a world of ugliness and cold
he is warmth, he is the sun you feel his presence caress every place the light can touch
his eyes, his eyes I never saw a soul until I gazed into his
so open so inviting, yet so mysterious at the same time, like starring into something endless something limitless, something timeless, something with no borders, something free, something like a sunset in the horizon there but out of reach, present but unattainable, you feel as though you could reach out your hand and touch it but no matter how far you stretch it's just away from your fingertips. Sure you can jump in your car and chase it, hop in a plane, a boat, but it's a endless spiral an endless track, an unending circle. You can run and run and run but he's always two steps ahead and never within grasp.
his voice is like music each word like each note flowing off the pages as if they aren't written down at all as if the lines mean nothing, they are guidelines which he seldom follows. He makes his points and he has so much to say but his ideas are as endless as his words which flow out of his mouth so carelessly.
His hands... his hands his hands his hands, by far one of my favorite parts of this man. so strong so skilled so much talent and power held inside these two hands. Hands carved by God hands full of electricity full of energy full of warmth full of strength, and when he puts them to use, it's like magic. it's like a symphony like a well written and even better play song.
his smile, his smile reminds me of a children's dance, lots of kids in a circle singing laughing clapping dancing all the joy in the world held in that moment in that instant and amplified by the parting of his up turned lips. it lights up his entire face, from his teeth to his bright eyes. everything good everything light. it's like the sun shining through the gray scenery of winter. making even the bare tree and their bare branches seem almost on fire. his smile is like a flame it burns. it's infectious as well. infectious you can't look at him looking at you smiling and not smile back. his smile wraps itself around you making you feel light and free making you feel careless and open, inviting and giddy.
so much beauty and wonder in one person. it seems so unfair that he can possess so much beauty in his mind in his body in his soul. every aspect of this boy is beauty he is the epitome of beauty. A quiet beauty that I can barely describe. it's an indescribable beauty. a desirable beauty, a reliable beauty, a constant beauty, a stunning beauty, a breath taking beauty, a radiant beauty, all those pretty words and all the most handsome words you could use just don't do him justice. they can't... not in his presence they are nothing compared to him. nothing...


just taking a look down memory lane... Is it about you? maybe... then again...xx

It started out with a kiss... how did it end up like this... it was only a kiss

The new year is approaching faster than I care to admit. I am about to be 21 years old. 21 January 3rd I will be 21 it's unreal. I never thought I would make it to 21 honestly I thought I didn't think I would make it. I thought I would have given up 3 years ago 4 years ago but I didn't. I am so much stronger than I was. I'm not even the same person. Hell, I'm not even the same person I was 3 months ago much less 3 years. It's scary and at the same time exciting how much we change and adapt but still stay the same. I'm a different person and at times I am very uncomfortable with who I am. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize my face. But then I fall into old habits and routines and I realize how the same parts of me are. I have grown more in this past year, and since October it's been one change after another. I have broken so many boundaries and my boundaries have been crossed. Boundaries I never thought would be crossed. Boundaries I thought were untouchable and I continue to cross more daily. Sometimes I'm afraid of this person I'm becoming. This person much darker than myself. Another side of me a side I repressed and kept locked away ignored like it didn't exist has taken over. It's like this tiny person inside of me has broken out and spread like a virus. I said something the other day "I've never been so happy in my life, never not even when I was a hardcore Jesus freak there is not a time in my life when I can remember being so happy." Now to any normal person this would be a good thing but it scares me. Why? I have no clue... I think because in the back of my mind I know it won't last. I also said I had no remorse or regret about what I'm doing. If you don't know what "I'm doing" not really any of your business, but... I'm living in the moment for the first time in my life. My mom said,"I don't see how you do it live from day to day on stolen moments of happiness." Isn't that what life is? Stolen moments of happiness. We live from moment to moment good moments bad moments everything in life is moments I would much rather live for stolen moments of happiness than not living at all. That's what I was doing. I wasn't living I was numb I was lost. I thought I had lost it again but I found it. I've found what happiness feels like even if it's a few hours out of the day a day out of a week or month for that moment I am in that moment and I am truly happy and yes I can live my life from moment to moment. I don't see how she can't. It strange to be so happy and yet so I don't know... I can't explain how I'm feeling but I feel and at the end of the day that is the point everyone is missing these days. I feel... and it's hard and cold and beautiful and breathtaking all at the same time. I'm whiling to take the good with the bad because I am alive...
God... my perspectives have changed... so much. I don't know how it happened but slowly I remembered how to live again. I remembered how to breathe how to feel what it feels like to be alive... 2007 is going to be an amazing year 21 is going to be a year for me. I am going to do all the things inhibitions held me back from doing. I am not letting anyone tell me what is right and wrong, what I should and should not do, who I should and should not be. I'm going to decide from now on what I think is right, what I should do, who I should be. I am living my life now. I'm am so tired of being what I think people want me to be, who my family wants me to be.
Take me for what I am or leave me that's the way it is. From now on the changes I make will be ones I wanted to make. I am me and I am going to live if it kills me...

What else could I be...

lashing out, lashing out all this time we're lashing out

I have a habit of saying things out of hurt. I've noticed lately more and more this you hurt me I hurt you mentality that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm not a hurtful person it's a defense mechanism that I'm working on disarming but for those of you I've used my words against I'm truly sorry. Bare with me as I work out the kinks because I never meant to hurt you. That was never my intention. Also I give jaded compliments. I apologize for that as well because I think the world of you, but it is what I was taught and all I know. I feel like I could never receive a compliment without something negative to follow. So now I find myself doing it. I don't mean anything by it and I hear myself saying things that I know I should rethink before they pass my lips. It's so hard to filter for feelings when you're so used to being a certain way. And I care I do not for everyone I've said something without thought about but to the people I truly care about I am sorry. You are perfect the way you are though you may not believe me and when I say things jaded things I'm really talking about myself. I think it goes without saying that I am jaded by this world but I'm a work in progress and at least you gotten me to admit this fault of mine so congratulations because before you I didn't really see it as a "fault." I just say what's on my mind and sometimes it comes off harsh and sometimes it seems like I'm not sparing any one's feelings. not even my own...
also while we're admitting faults... I've said some things about people just random people no one I really care for, that are cruel but I wanted to say that nothing I say is ever mean spirited. ever... I see beauty in every single being on this planet... I call it like it is, sometimes that comes off as mean but I assure you it's not. I think people are beautiful and fascinating and I am amazes by how different we are, and how the same we are... so yeah I may laugh, I may say things (once again calling it like I see it, sometimes the truth is painful but everyone else is thinking the same thing I'm saying. Even you... you who doesn't have a mean bone in your body, still find yourself laughing because you were thinking the same thing you're just too nice to say it out loud)(though I think I've broken you of that because you're quick to point out some one's differently-abled-ness)(whatever it may be) sorry for bringing that side of you out because you are one of the kindest people I know but sometimes my dear makenzie we have to laugh at the world. even amidst the laughter though there is beauty... and I thank all the people out there for bringing a smile to my face and your expense... you are beautiful just the same.
I'm going on and on haven't blogged in a bit but I wanted to apologize really quickly to a few certain individuals I may have hurt (or may not sometimes I give myself too much credit) and to ones I know I've hurt so hard as this is here goes.

MaKenzie: I hope you know I'm joking about 90% of the time with you. I've said somethings I had no idea made you feel insecure or I've touched on things you're sensitive about and I want to apologize. I think you're beautiful, I think you are perfect the way you are. Granted I have a thing for imperfections but not in your case because there is nothing wrong with you inside or out. You are one of, I take that back you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I thank you for teaching me how to spread beauty and also for teaching me how to stand on my own. Thank you for knocking me off my pedestal when I need it and for putting me back on it when I fall off. you are a life saver and I think everyone should know you like I do (with the exception of the, well I won't talk about it here but know that Daddy is on a mission to please)(please) you have opened my eyes to so many things and i thank you. I'm sorry if I ever pushed your buttons I'm sorry for annoying the fuck out of you I'm sorry for being a bitch I'm sorry for anytime you felt like you were mistreated by me. We always hurt the ones we are the closest too and I apologize for the fucktard that thought up that logic. I'm sorry... I will be more intuitive to your needs and be more sensitive to your passions... (for special people)(among other things) I love you you know that... I'm working on the jaded compliments... just for you.

Hayden: my dear my dear, I need a deep breath for this and I'm not even saying it I'm typing it. We... how can I put this into words. You're not even going to read this I don't see where it matters. The personal jabs lately have been... painful yet at the same time satisfying... to see the misery in your face, to see you offended, to make you lash out back at me... I don't know what it is it hurts so bad but it makes me smile. That's not who I am. I don't want to hurt you. You're one of the last people I would ever want to hurt but I find myself saying things just to see if I can strike up any emotion in you about this situation even if it is hurt and that's not me at all. I am hurt but I knew what I was getting into which gives me no right to lash out at you. Though I would like to knock the fuck out of you just once (I could never do it) I still love you, I still care, I still miss you. I don't know it's ridiculous to feel this way about this. I'm sorry... for everything I've said. At the same time I hope it hurt because that would mean you care and for that I'm sorry as well. I don't know this post is going to be a book long if I say everything I want to say to you so I'll continue with this later... possibly... probably not but know I care about you and I didn't mean anything I said out of hurt or anger I hope you feel the same way...xx

let's see...

Stranger(R.M.R): I said well wrote several things about you that I didn't mean. I believe you know that because you seem to read me like a book. Recite my lines like a movie that you love... but that's not me at all. You never knew me as well as you thought. What you knew was a girl trying to be something she wasn't trying to be what she assumed you would like (without knowing you) Unfortunately I came off as a stranger even to myself. That girl... I don't know who she was but she's gone. I wish I could go back and just be myself with you. I'm not saying everything was lies and illusions there were glimmers of the real me but for the most part... I don't know her. If by some chance you're reading this... it was a defense mechanism to keep me from getting too close to you. I wanted to know you but keep up my walls at the same time and that never works. I won't make that mistake again. I fucked up what could have been an amazing friendship and I apologize for that. You're not lacking in the friends department so I guess what I'm saying really doesn't matter. I just want you to know... that wasn't me and I'm sorry for everything I said and for the way I acted. It was an act... I'm not who you think I am and that's what I'm sorry for most of all. I royally fucked myself over with you... when I'm wrong I admit it... now I would like to move on and start fresh, be myself for awhile... I'm open to starting over... with no pre-conceived notions no assumptions just letting it all go... if you're open... we'll see where this goes... if not... it was a pleasure meeting you... I was afraid... I wish I could tell you... but I'm more afraid that you won't listen than I am of being strangers... it's hard putting yourself out there when you feel so venerable... go back... go back to when we first met and I wrote those words I actually meant about you... that's how I really feel... that's how I still feel... sometimes I just want to go back... I know I can't... thanks for everything

so yeah that's all for now (there's many more these were just the top of the list) as this list continues to grow... I don't feel like laying all my cards "faults" on the table just yet because I'm still not sure if all of them are in fact "faults" I hope everyone saw this day like I did today because it was amazing... just breathe...xx

My heart is also in motion...

He's never going to look at me with the same filter on his lens again. I'm not the new and fresh girl he saw. He's not intrigued by me anymore if he ever was. I'm not his escape he's not my savior. I stopped falling into old habits while I was around him that's true enough but after this untimely breakage I'm worse than before. Tragic, tragic the games we play. The hurtful things that pass our lips without thought and at the same time carefully thought out. Still, I don't suppose I would change a thing, being an avid believer of not believing in regret. It happened for a reason. There was a lesson learned and learned well. It hurts deeper than these tears, deeper than these words, and far deeper than the smile I fake around him. Fake... That's exactly how I feel lately. I feel like I'm living a lie. I've felt like this before. I thought I was more myself than ever but he changed me into something I never wanted to be to begin with. I wonder if he realizes just how much I've changed. Can I go back? Am I still the girl I was before? Or have I become tainted by this secret? Please tell me I can go back. Be myself again... How can I go back to being myself when I don't even know who I am anymore?
The sad thing is... I don't know if it was him I wanted... or was it just nice to feel wanted... I know I can do much better, but I never felt like I was settling. We're too different and it was doomed from the start. Then why am I so surprised it ended? Why? I knew it was going to happen. Everything ends... I shouldn't have let it go as far as it did... I was in control until I lost control... I don't know for a moment I believed in faerie tales again. I believed I was going to save him and he was going to save me from myself... Faerie tales aren't real. I knew that. I know that. There is no happy ending for us... There is nothing there that wasn't there before. No music, no magic, no beauty, no love, no taking animals or enchanted castles, no knights on white horses... Just this raw, unmerciful, real world where two beings acted on something because it was forbidden and for no other reason. I can't give you a reason. I should have kept my emotions out of it and I wouldn't be hurting now. Maybe I should disassociate my emotions they do nothing but ruin me. Past experience leads me to believe emotions are something that should be discarded along with the idea of love. My ideas of Love are wrong very wrong. Pre-conceived notions of something I've only ever heard of until now will be the death of me. My expectations of love have been cut down to size and knocked off the pedestal I kept him on. He's not a saint. He's not a martyr. He's just a stupid man who wanted what he couldn't have and got a taste of what will never be. We will never be... and it's for the best. I lost sight of my goals and myself I can do better... but... there's something inside of me that still wants to take him to the top with me. I still think he deserves it... I hope he has the best life he can possibly have. His best isn't the same as my best and I know that now. His happiness is very different from mine.
I'll only look back on this tragic affair with fond memories. He opened my eyes on how some things are and somethings aren't. He woke me up to reality and I thank him for that. He made me feel for a moment and I also thank him for that. This was a growing experience and I have grown... now... I move along... a little broken, a little sore, a little battered but no longer jaded. I will only take the good from this and leave the bad to fall behind me. I stopped in my tracks for a moment. I fell to the floor, dropped to my knees, cried my heart out, set the ribbon of release free but now the wounds are healing my heart is back where it belongs, the tears are becoming more scarce and I'm standing again. I'm standing, I'm walking, I'm moving... my hand is out should you need it... I know you are still on your knees... I may fall again that's true... but I will help you before I help myself so you are going to get through this... never alone... we will walk on stable ground again... we will love again... and we will learn... we will breathe easier... our fake smiles will become real... our hearts will beat without pain with every rush of blood... getting out of bed will be more than just a chore... things will be beautiful again you'll see... as raw and real as this world is there is still beauty.. take the beauty from the breaking and leave the rest... you are stronger than this... and you are not as lost as you think... all you need do is look to the night sky for guidance, look to rain on a hot summers day, look to the peace you feel in our secret place, there is beauty and hope all around us... there is movement.., allow yourself to move... allow yourself to grow... you're broken now but you are not beyond repair... I'm speaking to you... don't let this encumber you... move... not because you have to... but because you can... I love you... I admire you and I will help you as you have helped me... I believe in you... you're not crazy you're not losing it you're not anything negative in this world. I can think of no negative word to describe you or the person you are so don't let this hold you back from spreading your beauty and passion and light in this world.
I'm rambling... you know I think the world of you and I believe I am going to get through this simply because you told me I would... I have faith because of you... I have hope because of you... I am alive because of you... you said I saved you but I think it's the other way around... you saved me and in the process saved yourself... I thank you for your unconditional love... I know what that is because of you...

You were never enough

and you never will be....

And I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with the fact that you will never be what I wanted or desperately needed. Even now when you have a chance to change our relationship you won't because you don't want to and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with you walking out. I'm okay with you pretending like you cared. I'm okay with you lying sweetly. I'm okay with your fake smile. I'm okay with the fact that you chose something/someone over me. I'm okay with feeling abandoned. I'm okay with being jaded. I'm okay with the fake smile I carry on. You taught me well. I'm okay seeing you like that. I'm okay seeing you miserable. (insert smile). I'm okay with the bed you've made and clearly chosen. I'm okay feeling not good enough. I'm okay being tainted. I'm okay being compromised. I'm okay feeling broken. I'm okay feeling lost. I'm okay with the pain I feel every time I look at you. I'm okay with the eye contact I give that you don't deserve. I okay knowing that I am the fool in this situation. I'm okay with the rumors. I'm okay with the whispers. I'm okay with the stares. I'm okay with the scars. I'm okay making more. I'm okay with the promises you didn't make. I'm okay with the promises you broke. I'm okay when I'm crying. I'm okay when I see you. I'm okay on the inside. I'm okay on the out. I'm okay feeling caged. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. I'M so O-FUCKING-KAY I could scream...xx

Sometimes I Wish...

He hadn't kissed me.
Things were so much easier before that. So much more innocent and pure. Things have gone down hill since then. Just completely different than they are they were. I feel different. I look at him differently. I'm sure he looks at me differently. I know I've said it before but I really feel so compromised. I hate this feeling. I feel it today. Part of me wants to say fuck it. We're both adults what we did has no consequence. Just two people enjoying each others company nothing more nothing less. I wish I had told myself that before I got emotionally attached. It doesn't matter anyways every man I have ever loved has abandoned me at some point so you think I would be used to it. It still hurts. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to keep him. Anything I could have said to make him choose me. I'm judging myself at all angles in this situation. I'm not good enough, I wasn't compromising enough, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's him. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will know. What I do know is that for more than a moment he was mine. For more than a moment we were the only two people just breathing in the breath of our existence. For a moment I was on top of the world. I was happy. I was home. I was free. I was everything I wanted to be. Amazing feeling I hope I feel it again for more than a moment. I hope this time there's not a voice in the back of my head saying he'll never be completely yours.
I know I deserve much better than he could ever give me. But I wanted to give him everything my hopes my fears my dreams my life. I'm glad I've got my head back on straight. I still love him though. I knew better but I will take what I got from this and learn. I have learned many, many things and I'm thankful to my teacher as bittersweet as it is. I still maintain that I wish the best for him. I still just want him to be happy regardless of my feelings. His happiness means more to me than my own. I've never felt like this. I hope he's happy right now. I hope he has a full happy life. He's a good man even if all he'll ever be to me is a memory...xx

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song blood on my hands to stay strong

You still can't make me cry
you've pinned this butterfly down
My fire's burning out
kill my flame without a frown
And starving hurts the soul
when you're hungry for
some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly above and..

Tell me this will end soon. Tell me I'll move on. Tell me there's a place I can call home. A place I belong. A place full of infinite freedom. A place that makes all the pain I'm feeling now worth it. Tell me there's hope for me... They say pain lets you know you're alive. Well if that's true I am very alive, more alive than I've ever been in my life. I hate feeling like this. Were the good times worth it? Were the little moments I felt worth this? Is he worth this? Does he care? I'm still not sure... All I know is that I feel like an idiot. God I feel so compromised. So not myself. I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror. I am everything I never thought I would be and that scares the shit out of me, that some man can have so much control over me. That I can completely change the person I was for someone other than myself. I thought I was strong with who I was, what I believed in but it turns out I'm as weak as everyone else. Well, not anymore. I'm going back to the way I was. I'm done being someone I'm not. Falling in love with him made me slowly start to hate the person I was becoming. I'm not that person. I can't be that person. So I'm not going to. I'm done. I'm out. I'm going back to being me not some compromised contradiction shadow of myself. I am strong. I am worthy. I deserve better.
He's talking to me again. I don't know how I feel about it. I want to be friends but I want him to realize he can't fuck with my emotions anymore. If he doesn't care then just come out and say it. I'll live... really...
This is my fault and now I'm going to fix it... I should have known better... stupid girl...xx