WOH... I finally took the leap and did it for the first time... And I liked it... ;)

And I am without a doubt doing it again. Wow what a rush. I'm honestly speechless. It's got to be one of the biggest highlights of my life. I really wish I had done it sooner I had no idea what I was missing... Sigh
So I sang KARAOKE for the first time. I sang "who with save your soul" (with Jaime)(it's one of our classics) We got a standing ovation. We kilt it so good. I was shaking like uncontrollably but I hid it and I got through it and it was amazing. My God. Just Amazing. I love singing in front of people. I could completely see making a career out of it. The feeling is just so indescribable. Wow. Wow... I only wish Beth had of been there she's been really sick and I wanted to sing my first time with her there but I owe her so next week it's on.
I've decided I love Cordell. LOVE HIM. He's is an inspiration and such and amazing MAN that's right boys he is a MAN. That guy really has a huge place in my heart. I have so much respect for him you have no idea. He is the epitome of what a man should be and I'm constantly impressed even in his drunken state he's better than most guys sober. Beautiful.
we then went to the I don't know I think it's waffle house by the hop in, with a guy names Josh Wiggins. Apparently I went to school with him though I don't remember him at all. Maybe he was bull shitting me (he being a man and all) but the told me it was amazing that I was a virgin. He's a cute kid. Really adorable accent (though he claims he doesn't have one) Adorable. Speaking of adorable Frodo also sat with us most of the night (along with josh) Frodo's name is Shane and he is also just the cutest thing. I want to pocket size him and carry him on my shoulder he's so cute.
Also we went to the hop in after waffle house. Because number TWO was there. Wait I'm jumping ahead. Guess who was at the waffle house when we got there. ZERO. That's right ZERO God he is so beautiful, I can't help but stair. Wow. He's I don't know. I would go out with him in a heartbeat. He's just... Jesus. He's amazing. I've been using that word a lot but I'm constantly impressed with certain individuals. He's no exception. Perfect...
So yeah afterwards to the hop in and I was getting stared down. Taff said I was I dunno the highlight of his night. He's adorable. I think the world of him as well. I'm so glad I met him he's cool as hell. So yeah number TWO was there and Taff took a picture of us and was like give me five thousand and I won't show your wife this. lowl. I was like wait I can make this picture very naughty. He was like we'll spilt the money. Taff is awesome. So yeah I apologized to TWO for being a bitch the other day. He said he understood I was busy that it wasn't him. Yeah I told him not to start something he couldn't finish then I said but should there come a time when you can finish you know where I live. Shannon pulled up the back of my ridiculously short skirt and I flashed half of the hop in I swear. Whatever I looked hott. I'm just now starting to realize maybe I am beautiful. I keep getting attention from guys. I think I'm finally breaking out of my shell and I love it. So yeah.
I'm hyper. I was supposed to start that other job in the morning but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. So I'm going to sleep at 5:30am.
Goodnight lovies...xx

JAIME...

I've see her for like two weeks in a row now. I'm helping her pack today. She's moving very soon.
Here's a brief introduction of Jaime. My mom and her mom were best friends. So Jaime and I grew up together. She's actually my god sister. She's 23 so she's taken the older sister role even though at times it felt like we were the same age. She's always been gorgeous Blonde hair Green eyes tall slim just beautiful even now after two kids I would trade bodies with her. She was my best friend at one time and everytime we're apart when we get back together it's like we were never gone. It's that easy to talk to her. We have such similar lives it's scary. She lived with us for a long time (her mom's a little off)(that's another story). So like I said we grew up together. Then she moved out with a boyfriend (who's she's now married to) and we lost touch. She's had two kids since then Kara and Karson but she hasn't changed that much. She's always played this sort of mother role and always known when to be mature. Her and I could have gotten into a lot of trouble (and we did) we both have these prankster natures and we used to torment my adopted sister on a daily basis.
I'm glad she's back. There was a time in my life when I could barely function and she was there for me. We've been through so much and I really admire her strength. She was strong for me when I couldn't be strong for myself. She's one of the most amazing friends I think I'll ever know. I love you Jaime...xx

Forbidden Fruits

It's funny how when I thought you were forbidden I was infatuated. But then in the moment you made yourself too available, I wouldn't say I lost interest, but it became less of a challenge. I like the challenge I like to think something is forbidden. I like the "I show you what's forbidden" nature of myself. I like to play. I'm very spiteful. I'm very I'll show you what I can and can not do. With you I can, you've made that unmistakably clear and the attraction is still there it's just not as much fun. Does that make any sense at all? It makes perfect sense to me.
Okay so here's how I really know I like this guy. He's "forbidden" for different reasons than you but say in the near future he becomes "unforbidden" I'd still like him the same. Thrill of the chase has nothing to do with his and my odd relationship. I know there's no chasing to be done. This isn't a game with him.
Reading this back I feel like I'm not making any sense. hmm...
The games I like to play (though I'm not always the player) don't matter with him that's what I'm saying, they don't count. There are no games. That's how I know I like him for who he is and not the challenge of obtaining this man I think I'll never possess. Don't get me wrong I like you for the person you are too it's just different. This is so hard to explain...
Also when I say "Games" I don't mean any mind game bullshit like that. I mean the light airy part of whatever this is called. I'm not into mind games or fucking with someone's emotions or any bull shit like that it's just wrong. I'm not that evil. I don't think I would ever lead someone on to believe there was something more than there is just to sleep with them. Hell I know I wouldn't. I don't think I would sleep with someone just to rub it in his girlfriend/wives faces either. Sure I could of had him this is number three I believe but like I said first off he's too good for that second off I'm too good for that and thirdly that's not me. I really like him, for unexplainable reasons and it's not like I like you. hmm... I think three and I could be amazing friends and that's all I expect or want from him at this time. I want the most he can give and currently that's the most.
I want your friendship too of course (if you hadn't guessed by now I'm talking about you number one)(if you don't know you're number one we need to have a serious discussion about your reading skills)(stranger)(which is what I've also referred to you as)(don't make me spell it out)
this post is random... It's just what's on my mind currently. I was trying to decide why I like the certain men I like. What it is about them that holds my attention over the rest.
you know I think I'm going to go more in depth and continue this post on my xanga. So anyways good morning to you goodnight for me... Be safe...xx

a mistake?

A Mistake
I'm gonna make a mistake
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time
'Cause I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine
And when the day is done,
and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure had fun, so
I'm gonna fuck it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path
And if you wanna make sense
What you looking at me for
I'm no good at math
And when I find my way back
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste for
A well-made mistake I wanna make a mistake
Why can't I make a mistake?
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why
Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste for
A well-made mistake, I wanna make a mistake
Why can't I make a mistake
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

A challenge, a proposition, a dare, are you game?

So I woke up emo but now I'm better thanks to my favorite little rescuer. I'm more light hearted and I wanted to run an idea by you.
I saw this movie last night it was a French film very lovely can't remember the name but it was where these two kids who would dare each other to do things. They continued the dares all the way into adulthood no matter the consequences and even continued it until the were in the nursing home together. They were just friends up until they were nearly forty then fell in love but that's not really of any importance to this post in general. (love me if you dare)(that's the name)(cheesy but an awesome film)
Being the prankster that I am I thought it would be incredibly awesome to find someone a sort of partner in crime to do dares with. Granted Lamarjorie and I do pranks without even needing to be dared. I think it's nice that I bring out that side of her because I've been needing an accomplice but I think it would be nice to bring someone else into the mix. I'm thinking we could do even bigger things than just two people could do. So, this is where you come in. If you're game...
Rules... (this is more than a kids game)
1. I won't dare you to do anything too illegal or something that could get you in serious trouble. Just moderate trouble.
2. You have to do it or you forfeit your points (shall we say) these add up and at the end of the year we'll see who gets bragging rights among other things.
3. You can only forfeit 12 times within a year after that they're are real consequences
4. If you forfeit I can take your dare for double points
5. You can't maliciously dare in order to hurt someone (that's never cool)
6. There will be a time frame in which you have to do the deed
7. You have to get evidence that you did it (pictures etc.)
I'll think up more rules later. It's just an idea I'm throwing out there and I think it would make life a little more interesting for the parties involved.
So... Interested... Here's the first dare...
I dare you to ____________________. I have to warn you this isn't going to be as easy as you think. In fact I don't know if you are up to it. I have faith in you sure but this one's going to be difficult just so you know. There's no time limit for this first challenge. I think you would enjoy this if you joined us. I would personally like to raise a few eyebrows in this backwards town.
So... Up for some fun? Let me know it's just an idea but I think it could work.
Are you Game?

A question of life???

I'm tired of my routine life. Someone please tell me it gets easier. Please tell me this is not all there is. That this is not all I'm meant for.
I used to believe I was put here for bigger things but somehow I forgot. I forgot... how did I forget? what's wrong with me?
When did I forget how to play and laugh? When did I forget how to sing? When did I forget what a genuine smile was? When did I forget how to trust? How to love? How to live in the moment? How to be free? How to feel free? When did I forget how to feel in general? When did I forget how to live?
What will it take to bring me back? When did I slip away? When did I stop breathing? When did my heart break beyond repair? When did I lose my way?
Where am I? Who am I? I thought I would remember myself and all that I stand for but lately it doesn't seem so important. Nothing seems important. I'm living my life in indifference and it scares me to be so impartial to things. There are very few things in this world that make me feel. I hope they know who they are and how much I value them. Without them I know I wouldn't be here and while I wish I could thank them all in person and tell them they've saved my life, I can't. I just want them to know I live nothingness and the only think that keeps me hopeful is the little moments with them that shoot in like rays of light in the darkness. I thank you more than you know and while you might not think you are important in my life you are what keeps me hanging on. and I thank you. I know you didn't ask for this burden but my life is in your hands... for now I need you until I can stand on my own.

For ONE...

I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you, I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. God... I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you, I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I'd like you, to like me... among other things...I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you... but... I'm afraid...xx

The loss of a roommate or the gain of a living room

So... Joseph is leaving. He's practically already gone. Wish I could say I was upset but I'm not. If he wants to move back home and never grow up fine by me. It's his life clearly he knows his life isn't going anywhere at the moment why not free load off of mom and dad.
I really don't understand it though. I'm confused. His dad as I've said before his anti-gay he hates gay people so why in the hell would Joseph want to be back in that shit. His dad controlling him. He had no rules here all he had to do was pay his half of the bills no questions asked. He could have had any friends mainly boyfriends he wanted over and I wouldn't care. It's his life but I just don't understand why he wants to move back to that hell. I don't know the reason but I'm now living by myself again.
In other news I have a lovely living room now that I'm in the process of "pimping", and Jesus and I are planning a "sex party" in a couple of weeks. Gotta stock up the bar and all that good junk. I like living alone so this really isn't going to be a problem. I've lived alone before it's not a big deal. Honestly I prefer to live alone. I only have to take care of myself and clean up after myself and I can have who ever I want over and not worry about waking him up (he works a 9 to 5 day job). So yeah party's are going to happen soon. And also I don't have to hear his two stupid dogs running around the house yapping all the time ( I hate little yappy dogs) so yeah this is going to be good.
I'm also looking for Bodega since I feel like I'm neglecting him. I don't spend any time with him. All I really do is feed him and yell at him. Which isn't cool. He needs a family with kids. I mean if I don't have time for him now I'm sure as hell not going to have time for him when I go back to school winter quarter. So yeah I love him but he deserves a better family.
That's all the current drama. I'm going to watch a little more [adultswim] and go to bed. I'm planning on turning up the kick ass volume on my living room tomorrow so you should deff. Come by and see it. I think you'll be impressed...xx
Goodnight for you, Goodnight for me...
also I really want to see THE COVENANT it looks kick ass. We should go...xx

Drive so fucking far away I never cross your mind...(believe it or not this is a happy post)(sorta)(eh...)(bow chicka bow wow)

The plot thickens...
I've heard the expression a million times but it is a small world. Funny story... It turns out that J.L.H. is married to one of my moms good friends daughter. I know her mother very well you might say and knew she had a daughter with the same name but it didn't click until today that she is in fact her daughter. He's married to her daughter. This town is entirely too fucking small for comfort.
My suspicions about her kids being by different men are true. I nearly died when I found out who she was. I've met her many, many times and I swear to God it didn't click until today. Now if I find out the woman is cheating it's so on.
Honestly I hope she's not but the past often repeats itself. If they have an open relationship fine whatever it's not my business but he makes it out like they don't. I really feel like it would crush him. I don't want to break up the marriage by any means. I just want him to be happy like I've said before. He just doesn't seem happy and I hate seeing him that way. It breaks my little heart seeing him I don't know in pain and distant. I want him to be as happy as anyone can be not necessarily with me because lord knows I'm not even close to being ready to "settle down" I'm only 20 kiddies but I want him to be happy with someone who loves him and that he loves. I don't know. I wish I could take everyone's pain sometimes... I think I've been through enough that I could handle it. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit but my hearts in the right place. My hearts in the right place with this whole situation in general.
Why do some people feed off misery? Do they truly like to be unhappy? Do they like to torture themselves daily? I don't get it but I would still trade places with them for their sakes.
I'm babbling I'm tired so yeah I need to get out of this town. I'm planning a break. You're invited even if it's just a say three day road trip I need to get away...
oh yeah before I go I've also composed a list to make it easier to talk about guys I've been talking about recently so like with everything in life I've given them numbers. Here's the order. (yes it's in rank order)
0.(I can start with zero it's my list) "soulmate"
1. stranger (this one's you love)
2. J_ _ _S A.
3. J.L.H.
4. Jesus I just made the list and I can't remember number four. hmmm. Guess I haven't met him yet or he really wasn't as important as I thought. Guess I could scoot number five up. Nay I'll leave an open spot. Next guy who strikes my interest automatically starts in fourth position. Go him. Honestly I don't know how long it's going to take to meet a forth. Guy are ... Home ... I'll talk about guys later that's not what this is about.
5. C.M.
so yeah from now on I'm talking about guys in numbers. Helps me keep it sorta secret a couple of them it's best that I do keep secret for their protection and mine (giggle)(geeze am I really laughing gleefully about my "relations" or lack there of, with a married man. Oh yeah and one's with girlfriends.)(eh... Damn the man keeping us down)
well Goodnight all you communist hippies who hate freedom and shoes... hehe. Tonight's the last night I work I'm glad I need a day or three off. Be good babycakes...xx
oh yeah bow chicka bow yow...

Top ten...

So I did this on my other blog but I figured what the hell I'll bring it back...
Top ten things I'm currently obsessed with...

10. hanging at the hop-in. something I mocked other kids for doing but I find myself hanging there on my lunch more and more. Maybe it J.L.H. maybe it's Taf either way I've been drawn to it lately. still not a member of the hop-in crew don't think I want to be. apparently the requirements are. 1.you have to have a curfew 2.you have to be drunk 3.you have to be a skank or a guy with a ridiculously "average" penis 4.you have to work at the store and 5.you have to have no life 6.you have to be moderately unintelligent. poor me and that college education I'm striving for better luck next time. Then there's those few random people who don't know wtf they're doing there. I'm one of those. A "guest".

9. rumors of me sleeping with a married man. this made me a little angry at first but now I just have to laugh at it. people are so dumb but atleast they're talking about me, which makes me pretty damn important in their dull lives. I'm infamous bitches. take a picture.

8. Karaoke... This was number one for a little while but now it's slipping still haven't gotten up the Ka-hoe-neys to sing yet though. oneday... it's still nice to hear people do terrible renditions of 80's songs that sucked to begin with and thinking they look cute with their charmingly drunk asses dancing about the stage or staggering which is what i call drunk dancing. the star wars guy as weird as he can be makes me smile and makes life more interesting... God bless his heart maybe he'll teach me his sweet moves. lowl

7. Black haired Ninjas. I hope he teaches me his skills. one day I will be a ninja too you just wait Jesus. one day when you least expect it POW numb chuck skills right to the head and Jesus laid out on the floor. I will Ru that day and laugh gleefully. GLEEFULLY I tell you... muwhahaha... giggle... taint me with your ninja skills oh skilled ninja ones. . . wtf?

6. turning people onto EMO. I have turned two people emo and on to emo music. I like emo music I like music period so why not share the emo-ness to those who would have otherwise never heard of it. damn those eskimo kids... my emo-ness has even run off on Jesus she's quasi-emo whether she admits it or not...

5. Stalking... it doesn't seem so weird now that I have a partner in crime.

4. a married man and men with girlfriends... enough said about that... DON'T CHA think?

3. Black clove cigarettes. I know I said I would quit but... I haven't. Gotta die someway it may as well be a slow painful death and you can bet I'll be inhaling the sweet black death to the very end. unless you know I quit or something...

2. fucking up a certain someone's car. who will remain nameless (we actually got coached about it and we have to and I quote "tone down the fun" even though we did it on a day off. bullshit. Tone down the fun. they can't be serious. can they? my life doesn't revolve around my job and I'll be damned if they're going to interfere with my life on my days off. so fuck that you tone up the fun fuckers. wooo the wonder twins won't be silenced and they sure as hell won't be tied down. I don't care if I do get fired it would be totally unjustified and I would walk my pretty ass straight to unemployment with a smile. tone down the fun. kiss my ass. you don't own me bitches.)

1. Making people smile. We've made a lot of people smile lately and I really like it. Just get me and Jesus together and everyone around us is in a better mood. It's nice to have that effect on people. It's nice to see people happy and laughing and I like to think I had something to do with it. I am awesome but we are ten times more awesome together we feed off of each others awesomeness and becomes the Mecca of awesome and people around us can't help but be happy. Just doing my part to help the hopeless feel a little more alive. I really think I like my job and it's because of the people I work with. I don't know if I'm ready to give that up. Even the people I don't like (or who don't like me) make my life a little more entertaining. I don't want to make it a career but it's a nice right now job. hmmm I've got a lot to think about...
goodmorning to you goodnight for me...xx . . . sweetdreams. . . fucking kangaroos

This song...

I heard it recently for the first time. It really got to me. Honestly it had me crying for an hour or so and if I heard it now I'd cry. It's so fascinating how words and music can make you feel so much emotion. How it feels like someone out there completely feels the way you do. How it makes you feel less alone. I suppose I'd be selfish to think my feelings were mind alone, that no one else felt like I did. Turns out I have pretty universal feelings and it makes me feel so small. I love how I feel when a song touches me. I love to cry I love to relate I love to feel less alone. No I've never met this band but somehow it feels like they are telling a part of my story and when I hear the man sing I swear to God he's singing to me. I like that. Especially considering the bullshit I've been going through lately. It's odd had I heard the song a few weeks ago I would have thought oh it's pretty but I wouldn't have felt like I feel. It's strange how I just hear this song now of all times. hmmm... I love life and everything it throws at me. the good... the bad... It doesn't matter because I'm not the only one who ever felt this way. I can smile knowing I'm really not alone... I never have been... it was selfish of me to think so...
So I also got another job offer. I'm torn though I don't know what to do. Main reason my buddy Jesus you know her. I don't know if I can leave her. I've really come to depend on her this past year. Yes that may end up hurting me in the end because she isn't going to live here forever but I'm not ready to give her up just yet. I know that if I take this job I'll never see her. I like to think I'm good for her too. She seems different since I met her. I'm different too. She's the truest friend I've ever had and though this other job would be better for my sanity and I know I would actually enjoy it, I don't know if I can do it. I really don't know what to do. I'm torn... Sigh... I've got until say Monday to decide. With this job I could have a normal life... But what is normal anyways... I could go back to school... I miss it...Sigh. I'll sleep on it. I have to talk to Jesus before I decide for sure. She always knows the right thing to do. What's best. Jesus is truly wise beyond my years (even though she's a couple months younger) I love that girl she makes me smile she makes me feel loved she makes me feel important and cared for. I can't leave her... She's my best friend... I'll talk more about it later...
good morning for you goodnight for me sweetdreams...xx
I never said but in case you're wondering... Hinder "Lips of an Angel"

Keep pushing my buttons...

I think I'm going to back away from him. I feel like I'm being watched and it's completely unjustified. Why can't a man and a woman just be friends. I really don't get it. I need to back away before I really give them something to talk about. So the brief friendship was nice. It's not over but it's going to change...
So let me talk about this dream it was pretty freaking cool. We (Beth, amber, Ru and I) went to this huge ass wal-mart (of all places) I mean massive like the biggest one ever created. We went inside and as soon as we did the lights went out. We figured hey we'd go ahead and get the stuff we needed anyways so we went our separate ways. After a while Beth met me back up front (not sure what happened to amber) but we decided to get some huge water guns. We opened them and filled them with water then pulled the fire alarm so everyone would go outside and we'd have the store to ourselves. At first we were going to leave him there we even got in the car to leave but we didn't so we go back inside and hunt him down. lol but it's still dark and he's sneaky so we can't find him (doesn't help he's in signature black either) this dream was funny I actually woke up laughing it was nice. So we're still hunting for him and some how we end up on the roof and it's night out so it's still dark. But he's out there and he has a water gun too. (how cool would that be, water gun fight in a wal-mart with all the lights out. That would be the coolest thing ever. I'm going to buy a wal-mart oneday and shut it down like on Halloween night and have a huge water fight. geeze that would be cool.) I can't remember much more of the dream except it started to rain which defeated the whole purpose and we played in the rain (with clothes on this time)(haha remember that night)(my god it was awesome I wish I could have a do over)
It's strange to dream about people I really know (especially him).
You're more free in your dreams. You do things you might not normally do in your dreams. You have no inhibitions nothing holding you back. Sometimes I think he lives a dream I wish I could be that way. Unlimited Free. maybe he'll teach me how... Maybe I'll figure it out on my own.
Karaoke was good it's really starting to feel routine so I'm thinking about not going for a while. We left at midnight and went to wal-mart. I know why I went. Scandalous... I saw him he was sick I hope he feels better (this is the other he) I realized last night he cares about me. Which is another reason I'm backing off. I'll explain later. When it's easier.
so yeah nothing else going on at the moment. Be safe...xx
I know i said if they keep pushing me I'd act on it. lord knows the feelings are there. but I would never. I couldn't do it. so they can keep talking. I'll keep walking with my head high because I know I haven't done anything worth talking about in the first place. and I won't...

The most fun you can have with Post-Its

Pictures are worth a thousand words and I wish I had gotten one of his face when he walked out to discovered that he had just been owned by the wonder twins. A pack of post its and some Sharpies just brought joy to my heart. I know revenge is going to be a bitch but I say bring it on because what ever you do is going to come back on you 2 fold. We are the wonder twins and we will fuck you up. hehe... Tonight was awesome. We wrote sayings and phrases and pictures on post its then put them all over J.L.H.'s car. The look on his face was priceless. We are amazing and tonight was amazing. I love being a prankster it brings so much joy to my little heart you have no idea. So tomorrow is Karaoke, come one, come all. It's going to be awesome. Love you guys take care...xx goodnight

wonder twins post-it-ing one car at a time... 

keep laughing you could be next... 

Oh look what we've done... 

I dreamed about you...

You were down. You were looking for an escape. I drove all night to your house. I kidnapped you and we drove. Far away to a place I've never seen. All I remember is the sun shining through the trees. The trees were bare like it was winter but I could feel the sun. (I miss winter.)
I would help you in anyway I could. I would save you from this world. I just thought you should know.
There's so many things I want to say to you. And there's so many reasons why I can't. hmm. I hate having to hold my tongue. Guess it's good I have another blog so I don't have to.
anyways so yeah I wanted to go to this party tonight at Ru's but I couldn't get out of work. Which sucks. I'm sure I'm missing out on an awesome time more awesome than work anyways. blah... Sometimes I wish I had a normal job. Sometimes I wish a lot of things about my life were normal. Oh well... It's never boring.
Ruari I'm sorry I missed it I'll be sure to catch the next one I know there'll be more...xx

One more thing...

I've had a lovely shower and a little time to think and there was some more I wanted to add before I went to bed.
I'm a flirt. It's a natural personality trait half the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. I can understand how this might be misinterpreted as something more than it is but let me tell you now it's not. I flirt on a daily basis and not just with men that I find attractive, all men. My flirting however is harmless 99% of the time. Now here's where it may get rocky. He is also a flirt. He gets it honest his dad is one of the biggest flirts I know. But J.L.H. and I both know that it is completely harmless. Now granted any on looker may read into it more than there is but here's where the it's none of their fucking business card comes into play. If I were married to a natural flirt I think it would be completely unfair to tell him not to flirt. I would trust him completely. So what he flirts with other girls at the end of the night he's going home with me. I'm not that jealous, granted there are more than one type of flirting and the one we are doing is the one that I think should be totally acceptable. It's harmless. It's cute it's funny it makes he and I smile but at the end of the day it leads to no where. Sigh... Why do things have to be so complicated? I'm not going to stop flirting and talking to him just because a few people are running their enormous mouths. I really have grown attached to him and consider him a good friend. He's awesome so fuck what they say. Seriously fuck what they say. I seriously don't hope I lose a friendship I've just gained over this senseless petty bull shit. I wish I could talk to his wife honestly. Just clear some things up. I want her to know I'm not after her man. I'm not. I don't want to take him away from her. I wouldn't even if I did want to. It's not who I am. I'm not like that. I'm not a selfish person. I wouldn't hurt someone just to get what I want. I just wish I could tell her, I'm really not after him. Sigh... If I see her anytime soon I want to try and talk to her. See her point of view on the situation. I don't want her to have trust issues and be upset over me. I'm not worth it especially since *I'm not even after him that way* hmmm... Yeah I'm going to bed now for real this time. Talk to you laters love...xx

James & James or Ladies hide your men because the homewrecker is single and ready to mingle

So, I knew it wouldn't take long for people to start sticking their snobby little two faced noses in my mother fucking business. Yes I said mother fucker I apologize this one is going to be rough. Can't handle it? Then click next blog bitches because I'm pissed and I'm about to get on my soap box...
so about that guy I've been talking about the one I am just "friends" with, I found out tonight that I'm sleeping with him. That's right I'm sleeping with a married man though I don't remember. Rumors rumors rumors... If your life is so boring and uninteresting that you have to make up shit about people then I really feel sorry for you broke ass old bitches.
First off. I am a VIRGIN. A VIRGIN let me give you my definition of VIRGIN since apparently you don't know. I have never had sex with a man. I have never had oral sex with a man (or had it performed on me) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX. Let me break it down one more time for those who still aren't grasping VIRGIN. I am untouched no penis has ever entered any part of my body. EVER. What do I have to get a fucking paper from the gynecologist to prove it to you bitches? I've cuddled, kissed and slept (as in that's all we did sleep) with a man. That's pretty much it.
Second off... He's MARRIED, and like I've said adultery is not something I support nor engage in. My father cheated on my mother so why in the hell would I want to be involved with something like that. I saw the pain it caused my mother. I would never NEVER break up a happy marriage hell it doesn't even have to be happy. I would never break up a marriage, end of story. I don't care if I thought the guy was my soulmate he's still off limits. We are friends that's it. Just friends. I know he loves her and I'm glad he's happy why would I want to fuck that up. I'm not in love with him. I care for him in a strickly friends manor. Yes if he were single I may possibly date him but that's pretty much where that ends. He's a great guy an awesome guy. He's too good to cheat and so am I.
Third off... Even if I was sleeping with him it sure as hell isn't any of your fucking business. It doesn't directly involve you. I'm not hurting you by sleeping with him. It's our business, not yours so keep your mouth shut. You deal with your issues and your life and I'll deal with mine. I don't get in your fucking business and tell you what to do, or talk behind your back. I expect the same mutual respect here people we're all adults. (I keep getting proved otherwise though).
I don't know why I care what people are saying. I guess because I consider some of them friends. I'm guess I'm a little hurt that anyone would even think that about me or him. He's such a good guy and I'm such a good girl. I just don't get why people have to have something to talk about. Their lives must really suck to talk about mine.
Honestly I don't see why it is so wrong for men and women to be friends. Why does it always have to come down to "they're sleeping together?" I have always, always preferred mens company over womens. Always. I don't trust women at all. I despise women. There have been few women that I have come in contact with that I can honestly say I trust. (Jesus is one of them). For the most part though I know how girls are. They are petty bitches who will be friendly and sweet to your face and talk about you the second you turn to go. I hate women. Sneaky, conniving, devious, two faced bitches. I'm not saying all of them because I am always who I am to your face or behind your back I'm just saying about 90% of women are fucking bitches. I'm not saying men don't have their flaws, they do but I just prefer there's over women's. A man isn't going to steal my boyfriend. I feel like men are more up front and say what they mean they don't run around in fucking manipulative circles dancing around the point.
I think it was a woman who started this rumor. I really do. Childish. I'll talk more about it later but for now I'm going to try and sleep on it.
There would be a lot less drama if there were a lot less women that's all I'm saying... Probably shouldn't because I'm a woman and all but I am a rare exception to these rules. I have my moments but I'm pretty fucking amazing most of the time...xx

About a boy...

He is a captivating beauty among a world of ugliness and cold
he is warmth, he is the sun you feel his presence caress every place the light can touch
his eyes, jesus his eyes I never saw a soul until I gazed into his
so open so inviting, yet so mysterious at the same time, like starring into something endless something limitless, something timeless, something with no borders, something free, something like a sunset in the horizon there but out of reach, present but unattainable, you feel as though you could reach out your hand and touch it but no matter how far you stretch it's just away from your fingertips. Sure you can jump in your car and chase it, hop in a plane, a boat, but it's a endless spiral an endless track, an unending circle. You can run and run and run but he's always two steps ahead and never within grasp.
his voice is like music each word like each note flowing off the pages as if they aren't written down at all as if the lines mean nothing, they are guidelines which he seldom follows. He makes his points and he has so much to say but his ideas are as endless as his words which flow out of his mouth so carelessly.
His hands... his hands his hands his hands, by far one of my favorite parts of this man. so strong so skilled so much talent and power held inside these two hands. Hands carved by God hands full of electricity full of energy full of warmth full of strength, and when he puts them to use, it's like magic. it's like a symphony like a well written and even better played song.
his smile, his smile reminds me of a children's dance, lots of kids in a circle singing laughing clapping dancing all the joy in the world held in that moment in that instant and amplified by the parting of his up turned lips. it lights up his entire face, from his teeth to his bright eyes. everything good everything light. it's like the sun shining through the gray scenery of winter. making even the bare tree and their bare branches seem almost on fire. his smile is like a flame it burns. it's infectious as well. infectious you can't look at him looking at you smiling and not smile back. his smile wraps itself around you making you feel light and free making you feel careless and open, inviting and giddy.
so much beauty and wonder in one person. it seems so unfair that he can possess so much beauty in his mind in his body in his soul. every aspect of this boy is beauty he is the epitome of beauty. A quiet beauty that I can barely describe. it's an indescribable beauty. a desirable beauty, a reliable beauty, a constant beauty, a stunning beauty, a breath taking beauty, a radiant beauty, all those pretty words and all the most handsome words you could use just don't do him justice. they can't not in his presence they are nothing compared to him. nothing...
just thinking out loud... there's more where this came from but I will save it for later.
yes this might be about you... then again...xx

Just wondering if you knew I had a photo blog...

Just wondering if you knew you were in it...
uploaded a few photos enjoy...

http://ifitwerehopeless.blogspot.com

they're random. some are old, some are new regardless I've been meaning to post them so... let me take your picture because you won't remember... *click click*
~used without your permission

Some people find the meaning of life with their mouths on the barrel of a gun

This is what's going on inside of my head at the moment so don't try and rationalize it... Some things are better left unrationalized this is one of those times...
okay so I've been thinking about this statement for the past hour or so (my title)(no I'm not thinking about killing myself breathe easy) but I thought I would tell a story from my past...
I was once staying with my godsister over a weekend. She lived with her boyfriend (now husband) and his cousin (among other people who were just randomly over there) Jaime (godsister) and I were hanging while her boyfriend and his cousin were at work. So we were hanging Jaime, me a random friend named josh and _ _ _ _ _ _ (the boyfriend's cousin's brother) we were just hanging. _ _ _ _ _ _ had been a little down. So we were talking. We (being Jaime and I) went into her bedroom to talk because we were concerned that he was having suicidal thoughts. Josh came in and said _ _ _ _ _ _ was looking for the gun. We knew he'd find it so we (josh and I) took the bullets and hid them. (why didn't we hide the gun? Who knows. Maybe _ _ _ _ _ _ did need to find the gun.) so eventually he does find the gun. We were in the meantime still in jaime's room and had no idea he had even gotten the gun. Josh is walking back and forth from jaime's room and the living room where _ _ _ _ _ _ is now sitting. Josh runs in the room and says _ _ _ _ _ _ has the gun and is crying in the living room. So of course Jaime being the "momma" runs in there. I stay behind with josh because Jaime told me to stay in the room. After she doesn't come back for a while and having not heard a shot I run into the living room. They're talking but as soon as I walk in he looks at me puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. That sound that sound of silence hearing nothing but my heart and my breathing will echo through my mind until the day I die. And then just when I can breathe he pulls it again. Nothing... Nothing but silence... Jaime takes the gun away (she didn't know it didn't have and bullets) and the rest of that moment the rest of that day is a blur... I was in disbelief and shock. He had done something I would never have the balls to do. He didn't know there were no bullets he found clarity with the sound of an empty chamber. He's still alive today doing much better (I think) we've lost touch (I grew up with him, he was like a brother) he needed to find that gun like I said. He needed to pull that trigger to realize that this isn't it. And I think he did realize that there is more to life and he has purpose and reason. As horrible as that sounds what happened needed to happen. I'm glad he found the gun I'm glad he pulled the trigger and I'm glad he's still alive. I kept one of the bullets as a symbol of his strength. I saw him today. I won't ask but he seems okay...
I blamed myself for him being depressed, I blamed myself for him pulling that trigger. That's another story... One for later if I remember. I hope you find your clarity I hope you find your meaning in whatever way it happens. Be it with your mouth on the barrel of a gun or in the eyes of your children whatever way you find it I hope you find it. If you haven't however, you are not alone and yes there is meaning. You'll find it and so will I...xx

He came by...

we talked... it was...nice...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ I didn't know the word until I...

hmm... It's not a word I take lightly it's not a subject I take lightly but sometimes I feel like I'm being tested. I don't know if I'm strong enough to... Resist. I didn't even want to say that outloud. Two certain individuals one a little more than the other have really started to make me question my beliefs and my moral standards... It scares me. That word scares me. I know it's wrong... God I know it's wrong but... fuck these emotions. Fuck being a girl.
It's good he was gone before I got there. I feel weak... Maybe I need to stay away from him. The temptation isn't there if he isn't there. But I swear to God if he divorces her (which I hope he doesn't because I really want the best life possible for him. I believe he loves her I just hope she feels the same way. I pray she does. I don't know what I would do if I found out she cheated on him. Or if she hurt him. I'd kill her... I said it, I would fucking kill her.) I don't know what I would do. I feel completely out of my comfort zone and I don't like it. I don't like this at all. Same with mystery guy two, he has a girlfriend and I'm not as close to him yet but... Men. I feel dumb. I feel uncomfortable. I feel weak. I feel so weak. Jesus... Why do I constantly feel like I'm being tested. I feel myself giving in more and more as I get older. I used to be so strong. This situation in general makes me feel so... Helpless. Strange thing is. I like it. I want to let go I want to give in so bad it scares me. Like paralyzing fear, scares me. I've got to let go of these feelings and let go of these thoughts before they get me in real trouble.
I can't do this. I do know that. He can't either, so good thing he wasn't there. Even though... I'll leave those thoughts where they belong felt but unsaid, unactedout upon. Safe... Hidden...
I can tell now I've got to watch it or I'm going to get more than I bargained for...
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=bad
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=wrong
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=against everything I stand for.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=more than I can give
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=ruins lives
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=will remain an unspoken desire.
He's better than that. I'm better than that. I just want him to be happy. A limitless happy. A happy that is more than I could ever give him, even if it's with her. He deserves it. He's one of the best I've met and I'm grateful for his company but from now on I'm going to keep things to myself...
geeze I've got to start hanging out with #1 guys closer to my age (though I've always liked older guys) #2 single men (which is a dying breed they're married taken or gay. The good ones anyways). Sigh... I'm still _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. f_ _k M_!!!
goodnight... sweetdreams...xx

I'm am in love with the world...

This love hate relationship I'm having with the world is in a current state of Love. Though I'm not exactly sure what love is. I hate feeling this good about life as odd as that sounds. I'm very optimistic but sometimes in the back of my mind I'm thinking it's just the quiet before the storm and it won't last. As of right now everything is going right and I'm happy. I'm happy... I thought I had forgotten what that felt like.
This post is going to be random...
So last night I dreamed I was at this house. This amazing huge house like the shining hotel huge I mean massive. At first I was in this bedroom and it was three stories up. I'm not sure why I was there because a lot of my family was there as well. I think my family must have owned the house. So anyways I'm on the third story balcony and I'm jogging around it because the balcony runs all the way around the entire third floor. It's a beautiful amazing day I can see the lake in the distance feel the warm breeze so I run inside and into this other room that's sort of in the center of the house and there in the bed is my granny youmans. (who died when I was too young to remember her) she reminded me of my nanny (her daughter my grandmother) I remember her beautiful almond shaped eyes and she looked well. She looked happy. Despite the fact that the room had no windows and the furniture was dark she sort of seemed to glow. I remember her smell from my dream and the odd thing is I woke up and smelled her though I can't really remember what she smelled like and still couldn't tell you. So I go back to sleep and in my dream I'm walking through rooms just exploring this immaculate house and in each room are some of my family members. So I run back upstairs to my room and Bodega is on the balcony rail. He then jumps off the side (third floor) and I run to the rail surprised to see he lives. I run downstairs and I remember there were ass loads of chickens outside only they were like three foot tall chickens. So I run past them looking for Bo and can't find him. (he likes to chase the chickens) and I walk up to someone and ask them where Bo went to which they reply Cliff shot him. (Cliff? wtf I have one cousin named cliff who I know would never shoot an animal and a few mutual acquaintances named cliff) to which I reply Cliff who? They don't tell me but I run around franticly looking for Bo (who was solid black in my dream though he's really black and white, oh yeah he's my dog) I woke up really upset even though Bodega has been a cockbite lately. I don't remember much more of the dream except this house was unreal it was what I want oneday. It was amazing.
um so not much going on... I drove a brand new Mustang a blue one with white stripes trust me I'm going to get one if it kills me. The car dealer told me to keep my car a few more months so that I wouldn't been under when I traded it in which is what I plan on doing. That car makes me scream inside. I love it it's like butterflies in my stomach every time I see one. I love it...
anywho... Tomorrow Karaoke so yeah and work has been surprisingly good I don't want to speak too soon but yeah.
Life is good... The people I work with are amazing and without them I know that I wouldn't still be working for AL. W. Martin. They really are awesome... I had no clue people like that could exist (Beth is one of them) I really feel like I've missed out on a lot and now I'm trying to make up for the friendships I passed up. It's strange how I was never the type of person who wanted or needed friends but here lately I've really come to depend on certain individuals and wouldn't trade them for the world.
also I recently gave my soul away to this guy. I asked him if he'd kill someone, he said what would I give him if I did, I said well all I own right now is my soul, he said deal. (apparently he wants to see what my should looks like? wtf? How emo is he?) too bad for him my soul already belongs to someone else. Which brings me to my next subject...
JESUS... Do you know him? Would you like too? too bad cause Jesus is actually a 20 year old female Mexican Jew and she happens to be my best friend and she's very picky about who she hangs out with and you have to have a certain IQ level. So good luck with that losers...
I'm kidding and I'm tired so bed time for me. Morning time for you...
Have a lovely day enjoy life...xx

Hi I'm Brittnee and I'm here to save this world...

This may end up being a long one so bare with me. I have a lot to say...
First off let me start by saying that there is not one person in this world that I have come in contact with in one way or another that I do not love. I love the homeless people on the street, I love the people who have stabbed me in the back, I love you. My love is unconditional you could do the worst thing imaginable to me and I would still love you and though you may not reciprocate these feelings my feelings still won't change. I love this world but more than this world I love the people in it. We are amazing and there is nothing that we can't do. Good or Bad. I have faith in people. I had forgotten just how much.
Thinking maybe I'm a little loopy? That's okay because I don't think it's me. I think it's this world. This world is slowly losing love for each other if it even ever had it at all. Humanity in general would benefit more than words can explain if they would just love, unconditionally.
Let me also say... This world may be going down hill but nothing is beyond hope. Everything wrong in this world can be fixed. You may feel alone, and unloved and like there is no reason for you to be here but that's not true and I would die to see you LIVE. I would die for every person on this earth if I thought it would make a difference. If I thought I could save just one person I would sacrifice everything. I believe there is good in this world so much good I believe it outweighs the bad ten fold and that's what keeps me hopeful. I know there are going to be people in this world that do me harm and don't care about me but I love them just the same. That's what's different from me and the real world. That's what makes me one in a million and that is what is going to save this world. People like me. I know a few and I know that we are going to change this world, save this world one person at a time. I don't care if I'm famous or a million people know my name. If I can change just a handful of people even one then I know that I was here for a reason.
I know when my time comes and I leave this world there will be a smile on my face knowing that I have loved them all and I have helped all I could.
If you need me I'm here I am always whiling to listen day or night... I love you... I love you more than this post or words can describe and there is nothing you can do to change it. I love you unconditionally... And I would do anything to help you...xx

Karaoke Night...

Last night was fun but I wasn't sure I wanted to go because it's starting to feel routine. Don't get me wrong I love Karaoke but we go every Tuesday. I think it's time we start shaking it up. We met a guy from Egypt named Max. He was really cool he's the one opening the I-Hop he has two houses in Egypt one in Cairo and one in Alexandra. It was refreshing to meet someone who's not "Americanized" not to mention his hot accent. He was so polite, nothing like guys you usually meet in a bar. It's nice to see manners still exist. With every new guy I met lately my faith is slowly starting to be restored in men. My mom stopped in because she thought I was going to sing and Max told her anytime she wanted to go to Egypt she had a place to stay. She asked how he had gotten to American and Joseph said he rode a flying camel what do you think.
Max was talking about how people ask me the dumbest question (not my mom she meant was he here in school). American's are so self righteous sometimes. We think we're the most advanced country That we're better than everyone. Which is really dumb because it's keeping some people from traveling and seeing this beautiful word because they think everyone outside of American are heathens. Sure there are third world countries but we're not the only one's with electricity and running water. We're so dumb sometimes.
Max kept saying God bless you so my mom asked what religion he was to which he replied Muslim. So she asked if he even believe in God to which he replied Allah is God same person different name. She then asked what he thought about 9/11. He said anytime you kill innocent life it's wrong and that what they did was stupid. He said that the U.S. killing innocent lives isn't making it better. That it's two wrongs and that they will all be punish by God. I was an interesting conversation. It's nice to have met someone new. It makes me want to travel.
I'm feeling a little more optimistic about the world in general.
we went to wal-mart to get somethings after we left karaoke (no I didn't sing) then ended up at the hop in. Which is funny cause we always talk about the dumb asses that hang at the hop in. The kid who works there is awesome his names Taf, Beth likes to call him Taij. He's a really cool kid. We went over there to hang with Jay (who is also awesome) and ended up staying for like an hour. We've been doing that lately on our lunches (which is at 2am) not sure what started it not sure why but where else are you going to go that early in the morning?
anyways so I'm feeling better before karaoke last night was rough and I almost slipped up. I was laying on my floor listening to Deftones. I wasn't crying this time though. I don't know if I was numb or if I was feeling so many feelings one couldn't escape. So no tears this time regardless. I just hope I stop feeling lost soon it's driving me nuts...
Lost but optimistic...xx

Something I forgot...

I'm going to start playing piano again. I used to be amazing. I'm ready to start writing my songs again. It's been a little while but I'm ready to try this again.
Also I'm going to finally teach myself to play this beautiful lady sitting next to me. Too long has she been a wall flower. If I can play piano I know I can play guitar. Even if I have to teach myself it's going to happen. Otherwise I'm giving her away because she deserves to be played. You're first on my list if I do. Fender Fender Fender. Yeah so the unoriginality I've been feeling is about to end. I've already written a few songs this past month or so. I'll post them actually I'll post one tonight please tell me what you think. I need constructive criticism. I know I can write I just don't know how I'm going to put it to music. I know I can sing I just don't know if I can convey exactly what I mean. I might need some help after all. We shall see.
I'm hopeful again and I kinda like it... xx

I'm going to run...

I've made up my mind. It's not the world it's not me, it's this town. It's the dreams that have fallen at my feet walking down the empty streets. My dreams won't stay broken like so many other's here. I felt different on our road trip. I felt alive for the first time in a while. I felt like anything was within my reach and anything was possible. Then I get back home and the feeling doesn't last more than a couple of days. It's this place. I knew the entire world didn't feel like this. I have the proof I need in those mountains in that sky. I knew then that I am meant for so much more than this town. This town that knows my past, my "mistakes" all too well and reminds me daily. These people who knew me well and let me fall alone. Who turned their backs when I was dying inside and out. When I thought about driving on the wrong side of the road at high speeds (and did) daily. When I thought it would be better to end it than to cause pain to the people I love. I wanted to end it to end other's pain. I've hurt so many people. My family. I was a burden on my mother and she didn't know how to help me and I didn't know how to help me but I knew how to help her. In a moment that can best be described as insanely calm I planned it out. I went through the motions and there's not a day I don't think about it and other attempts. I know running away isn't the answer. But starting over sounds like a good plan. I am so tired of thinking about the past. I know the only reason I'm thinking about it now is because I feel backed up against a corner. I feel trapped and when I feel trapped I'm looking for an exit. No it won't be that, never again that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. But I need breathing room sometimes. I need to feel free. I NEED TO FEEL FREE... I felt a taste of it being near those mountains and I can't live like this knowing for a moment I felt like that. Knowing there's more than this. It's only a matter of time before I've really had enough. I'm going to pick up and go and forget this town. Forget my past. Forget the people. Forget... And start over. I'm not saying it's been all bad because it hasn't and I am eternally optimistic about the future but I would love to be able to go somewhere and not know a single person and not have a single person think they know me. I would love to be someone new. Someone who doesn't have those kinds of problems. Someone who doesn't call on a blade or pills when she's lost and hopeless... That will not define me anymore... I'm not a fucking anti-depressant and I'm not the cuts in my wrists. I am however, Free. More Free than I thought I could ever be two years ago.
I'm going to run soon... I'm awake for the first time in my life and I'm going to run with it.
You're invited. If you ever feel unoriginal and unimportant and your past keeps riding your make we can make an exit. Just let me know. I'll keep my bags packed... I'm going to run...
your smile is enough to hold me back but it's going to happen even if I go alone...xx

What I wouldn't give...

Feeling like I can't forgive,
but I want to
It's like I don't know how to live,
I'm afraid to
I used to think take them as they come,
without hesitations, no
Now it's like my head is filled with lies,
and persuasions
As the sun begins to fall I hear her
calling out to me
she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE JUST TO FORGET
SO I CAN REMEMBER HOW TO LIVE AGAIN
I WANNA LIVE AGAIN
I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
The toxic chemicals are spilling in my head
and they're bleeding deadly reactions
And as the moon begins to rise
he shows me all the colors that I'm hiding
I'm hiding myself
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE JUST TO FORGET
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO GET SOME REST
SO I CAN REMEMBER HOW TO LIVE AGAINI WANNA LIVE AGAIN
Am I desperately losing this fight
When I should really be choosing my flight
Take me now
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE JUST TO FORGET
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO GET SOME REST
SO I CAN REMEMBER HOW TO LIVE AGAIN
I WANNA LIVE AGAIN
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE JUST TO FORGET
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO GET SOME REST
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE JUST TO FORGET SO I CAN REMEMBER HOW TO LIVE
~H.B.~

When did I forget to remember how to live? Karaoke tonight. I think tonight's the night I finally sing. I think it's time my voice is heard... I'll let you know how it goes...