i miss you... i miss myself... i miss my life... it starts back the 16th... i'm so scared i wish you were here and could walk me to class like i did you when you started back... i was so proud of you that day... still am you're one of the strongest women i know... do you still read this?
so many good times caused by you... i miss going to the cemetery at night and how the boys were always more afraid than us... i miss sitting in our spot for hours talking about everything and nothing... i miss buffingtons and you tricking me on stage to sing promising you'd sing with me and then you turned off your mic the entire time... i miss how it felt singing on stage with you sitting on the speaker holding your kamakazi... deon laura Paquito cordell chris chasity and the girl who ided me when i was drinking under age but not you... hours at the hop in tawf... our drunken logic and how we never got drunk...
getting off work only to spend hours at sonic... never sleeping... tattoos piercings tattoos... experimenting life... cloves... guitar hero... post secret...
our friendship was just starting this time in 05 was it? it seems like you've always been there though... we were meant to be friends and now that you aren't here i feel like a part of me is missing...
i just feel lost... and i'm afraid... the 16th is coming so fast and you aren't here... i'm so scared to face the world without you... what am i going to do?
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I'm addicted to your white lies...
in vain
it's been three months. i could have loved you the rest of my life but you... you're too selfish. you weren't always. I remember at one time I told you to be more selfish that people were taking advantage of you. Am I the reason you've become this person you are now? I do blame myself in a way. You cheated with three girls that I know of. What was going through your mind when you were fucking them (forgive my bluntness)? I meant to ask but you would have just lied anyways. You still lie to me. You lie to the new girl. You lie to yourself.
I hate the person you are now. Maybe it was you all along and you hid it. Everyone around me saw it but I saw something different. I hurt so many people pushed so many people away and it's your fault. so many bridges burned for you. and you've done nothing for me except destroy my spirit. I miss the old me. the girl i was before i met you. I'm trying to get her back. i have in a lot of ways. God i hope i don't see you when i get to Seattle. you're not Taylor. Taylor was a fictional over romanticized character i made up because josh wasn't good enough. no that's not exactly what i mean. he wasn't though everyone says he wasn't good enough for me. i believe them now. he wasn't... Taylor was... but Taylor's not real... i tell myself that... i didn't see him much but i loved him with everything... and he let josh break me into pieces... how could he do that? he was my protector or so i thought... that night josh went ballistic... Taylor came through and he protected me... you really do have spilt personalities... i truly believe this and when you drink or do drugs you can't control them as well... i believe that... there is something dangerous inside of you and you do a good job of keeping it sedated but one day i fear you will go completely mad... that scares me... i wonder who will you hurt when you do...
maybe you won't get the chance to...
I dream about your death so vividly... i hate it. i wish i could just eternal sunshine of the spotless mind you and everything to do with you... this dream i have this nightmare i want it to go away but i can't control my dreams... I've heard you can learn how... but i don't know maybe i have a weak mind... i will write it here and see if it happens.... you are in a car listening to your music the song always varies i hear ten years sometimes disturbed sometimes shinedown... you have it loud as always... the car i can't see but it is a car... and dark.... you are wearing a long sleeved navy blue shirt... cargo pants... you're in a secluded area trees all about only a two lane highway... it's not dark out... maybe early morning... maybe evening the trees block out a lot of light... the road is wet... i want to stop here... cause I've seen you die so many times now... it's painful i always wake up crying... and see you're not beside me and i think it's already happened because you're not there where you used to be... am i crazy? i wonder sometimes... you are thrown from the car... i don't know what happens to cause this... slick road a deer you falling asleep i don't know... but there is glass all over the road and the radio is still playing... it's always the same song but i won't tell you what it is... you're bruised and broken bleeding in the road... and you are alone...
i used to feel like time was running out... was i supposed to die with you and now I'm not cause we broke up? or was it me sensing my time with you was nearly over? i hate not having answers... i hate the questions i ask even more... how long did it take you to cheat on me once you got to west v.a.? not long i imagine... josh was looking for a way out the whole relationship i think... two years... two years of my life... gone... i was so stupid to think i would marry you and you were fucking other girls... you had it made didn't you... a loving supporting gf at home... waiting patiently... i spent almost all of our relationship waiting do you realize that. and for what? empty words... false hope... nothing...
i won't write about you anymore... not after this rarely if ever... I've spent enough time on you... i thought you were worth it... i know now you're not... even this blog is more time wasted that you don't deserve... you're the only person in this world who makes me wish i had the ability to hate...
what goes around comes around... and if i were you... i would watch my back... she's hunting you as we speak... you know she always catches you...
it's been three months. i could have loved you the rest of my life but you... you're too selfish. you weren't always. I remember at one time I told you to be more selfish that people were taking advantage of you. Am I the reason you've become this person you are now? I do blame myself in a way. You cheated with three girls that I know of. What was going through your mind when you were fucking them (forgive my bluntness)? I meant to ask but you would have just lied anyways. You still lie to me. You lie to the new girl. You lie to yourself.
I hate the person you are now. Maybe it was you all along and you hid it. Everyone around me saw it but I saw something different. I hurt so many people pushed so many people away and it's your fault. so many bridges burned for you. and you've done nothing for me except destroy my spirit. I miss the old me. the girl i was before i met you. I'm trying to get her back. i have in a lot of ways. God i hope i don't see you when i get to Seattle. you're not Taylor. Taylor was a fictional over romanticized character i made up because josh wasn't good enough. no that's not exactly what i mean. he wasn't though everyone says he wasn't good enough for me. i believe them now. he wasn't... Taylor was... but Taylor's not real... i tell myself that... i didn't see him much but i loved him with everything... and he let josh break me into pieces... how could he do that? he was my protector or so i thought... that night josh went ballistic... Taylor came through and he protected me... you really do have spilt personalities... i truly believe this and when you drink or do drugs you can't control them as well... i believe that... there is something dangerous inside of you and you do a good job of keeping it sedated but one day i fear you will go completely mad... that scares me... i wonder who will you hurt when you do...
maybe you won't get the chance to...
I dream about your death so vividly... i hate it. i wish i could just eternal sunshine of the spotless mind you and everything to do with you... this dream i have this nightmare i want it to go away but i can't control my dreams... I've heard you can learn how... but i don't know maybe i have a weak mind... i will write it here and see if it happens.... you are in a car listening to your music the song always varies i hear ten years sometimes disturbed sometimes shinedown... you have it loud as always... the car i can't see but it is a car... and dark.... you are wearing a long sleeved navy blue shirt... cargo pants... you're in a secluded area trees all about only a two lane highway... it's not dark out... maybe early morning... maybe evening the trees block out a lot of light... the road is wet... i want to stop here... cause I've seen you die so many times now... it's painful i always wake up crying... and see you're not beside me and i think it's already happened because you're not there where you used to be... am i crazy? i wonder sometimes... you are thrown from the car... i don't know what happens to cause this... slick road a deer you falling asleep i don't know... but there is glass all over the road and the radio is still playing... it's always the same song but i won't tell you what it is... you're bruised and broken bleeding in the road... and you are alone...
i used to feel like time was running out... was i supposed to die with you and now I'm not cause we broke up? or was it me sensing my time with you was nearly over? i hate not having answers... i hate the questions i ask even more... how long did it take you to cheat on me once you got to west v.a.? not long i imagine... josh was looking for a way out the whole relationship i think... two years... two years of my life... gone... i was so stupid to think i would marry you and you were fucking other girls... you had it made didn't you... a loving supporting gf at home... waiting patiently... i spent almost all of our relationship waiting do you realize that. and for what? empty words... false hope... nothing...
i won't write about you anymore... not after this rarely if ever... I've spent enough time on you... i thought you were worth it... i know now you're not... even this blog is more time wasted that you don't deserve... you're the only person in this world who makes me wish i had the ability to hate...
what goes around comes around... and if i were you... i would watch my back... she's hunting you as we speak... you know she always catches you...
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