Monday, July 11, 2005
I'm sorry it's been awhile
I'm back from the lake now so the post should start coming in pretty soon. I'm sure no one reads this anyways so it really doesn't matter I enjoy talking to myself so this is kind of the same time. See ya soon.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Joseph comes back...
tomorrow. (does a little dance) A little back story Joseph is my cousin who is a year older than me. We are like brother and sister. We always lived next door to each other and we were in the same grade together. He is the greatest thing ever. I can't believe how close we are. I mean we've had rocky times, but who doesn't? I thought at one time we would never be close again.
Backstory: When we were in the 7th grade Joseph came out to me. He told me he had know for awhile than he was different. He was like I had to tell someone it's killing me. And in the back of my mind I knew but he validated it for me. In a way I was like wow, he trust me enough to tell me something this huge and in another way I was like OMG if his father ever found out he would kill him. So for a little over two years I kept his secret. And then around thanksgiving time he came out to my aunt and my mother. And eventually my mom told my grandmother who knew a grand total of 3 days before deciding his father needed to know. Rather than my grandmother telling him my mom went ahead and told his dad. Who immediately freaked out. MY uncle is like the hunter, redneck, mans man kinda guy so you can imagine. He sent Joseph to a psychiatrist. He didn't kill him like I thought he would but Then he starting looking for someone to blame and who should it be but me and my mother. We weren't allowed at there house I was allowed to talk to Joseph or try to contact him. He was my best friend so I hit rock bottom becoming severely depressed. I had done nothing wrong and neither had Joseph but because we accepted him the way he was we were evil. We were the ones influencing him. Which is bull shit. I accept Joseph the way he is because I love him with all my heart and wish for him to be happy and not live a lie.
Back to now: So things eventually blew over and we've gotten back to normal. But the family completely ignores and refuses to believe that he is gay. They think because he went to a psychiatrist and hangs out with lots of girls that he's "cured" Which is a joke to me because there was nothing to cure in the first place. Yeah today he dates girls but only to keep his parents off his back. And I hate it, it's so unfair for him to have to hide and be ashamed of something he can't help he is. He's such an awesome guy if only people could see him like I see him. It's hard in a small southern town to be yourself. People are so backwards. Oneday we're going to leave this town.
We always said we would leave and get an apartment somewhere where people are more opened minded. So if anyone knows of a place like that let me know.
Anyways he went on vacation and now he's back and we haven't hung out in awhile so he's off of work for the week and we're going to hang out. I'm so happy. This is going to be great.
Backstory: When we were in the 7th grade Joseph came out to me. He told me he had know for awhile than he was different. He was like I had to tell someone it's killing me. And in the back of my mind I knew but he validated it for me. In a way I was like wow, he trust me enough to tell me something this huge and in another way I was like OMG if his father ever found out he would kill him. So for a little over two years I kept his secret. And then around thanksgiving time he came out to my aunt and my mother. And eventually my mom told my grandmother who knew a grand total of 3 days before deciding his father needed to know. Rather than my grandmother telling him my mom went ahead and told his dad. Who immediately freaked out. MY uncle is like the hunter, redneck, mans man kinda guy so you can imagine. He sent Joseph to a psychiatrist. He didn't kill him like I thought he would but Then he starting looking for someone to blame and who should it be but me and my mother. We weren't allowed at there house I was allowed to talk to Joseph or try to contact him. He was my best friend so I hit rock bottom becoming severely depressed. I had done nothing wrong and neither had Joseph but because we accepted him the way he was we were evil. We were the ones influencing him. Which is bull shit. I accept Joseph the way he is because I love him with all my heart and wish for him to be happy and not live a lie.
Back to now: So things eventually blew over and we've gotten back to normal. But the family completely ignores and refuses to believe that he is gay. They think because he went to a psychiatrist and hangs out with lots of girls that he's "cured" Which is a joke to me because there was nothing to cure in the first place. Yeah today he dates girls but only to keep his parents off his back. And I hate it, it's so unfair for him to have to hide and be ashamed of something he can't help he is. He's such an awesome guy if only people could see him like I see him. It's hard in a small southern town to be yourself. People are so backwards. Oneday we're going to leave this town.
We always said we would leave and get an apartment somewhere where people are more opened minded. So if anyone knows of a place like that let me know.
Anyways he went on vacation and now he's back and we haven't hung out in awhile so he's off of work for the week and we're going to hang out. I'm so happy. This is going to be great.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
I've been friends...
with this amazing guy for five years now. I mean it he's amazing in every sense of the word. He's funny and sweet. I swear, he can make me laugh no matter how down I am.
Five years ago this wasn't the story. He was cold and bitter about everything really. I never understood why (still don't) because he seems to have a great life. He has two parents that love him he's in college majoring in something he absolutely loves. I mean why be bitter? Why be so pessimistic? I mean I've had it so much worse than him but, I remain very optimistic. Yeah bad things happen but you can't let them get to you.
The person that he was, is a shadow of who is is now. Now he's more happy than I've ever seen him and he's more optimistic than me. (I like to think I had a little to do with it.)
But... And there always is one with him. (Or it seems like it.) He says he loves me and he's even talked about marriage. I love him too, he's my best friend these days, but... Sigh... We're not on the same religious grounds. I knew that when I became friends with him. I never tried to change him. I'm not like that I know that if he wants to change that is a decision he must make. I mean, I'm don't discriminate on any religion, or anyone really. The religions of today, most have been around for years and years, who am I to say that mine is the right one. But I've been in a Christian church since before I could walk. It's the only thing I know and it's what I truly believe.
He believes religion is the root of all evil. (All religions.) That's why I avoid talking about religion with him. I mean it feels like everytime I say something he tells me about something in history that makes my religion sound bad. Yes things happen, bad things, and yes sometimes it's religious differences. But, who is he to tell me things that contradict (or try to) my beliefs. If he truly loved me he would understand how I feel about my religion and accept it as I have accepted him the way he is.
I don't know, I guess I feel like believing in something no matter what it is, is better than believing in nothing. I knew what I was getting into from the start I don't know why I'm so disappointed now.
I don't know how to tell him, I can't even consider marrying him if he's going to continue to feel and act the way he does. That's not what I want my life to be like. I never said I was a saint and did no wrong but, I do believe in something. If I didn't then what would I be here for? Just some useless person that lives my useless live and dies and that's it. No, I don't believe this is it. I believe there's always better things to come. Why doesn't he?
Five years ago this wasn't the story. He was cold and bitter about everything really. I never understood why (still don't) because he seems to have a great life. He has two parents that love him he's in college majoring in something he absolutely loves. I mean why be bitter? Why be so pessimistic? I mean I've had it so much worse than him but, I remain very optimistic. Yeah bad things happen but you can't let them get to you.
The person that he was, is a shadow of who is is now. Now he's more happy than I've ever seen him and he's more optimistic than me. (I like to think I had a little to do with it.)
But... And there always is one with him. (Or it seems like it.) He says he loves me and he's even talked about marriage. I love him too, he's my best friend these days, but... Sigh... We're not on the same religious grounds. I knew that when I became friends with him. I never tried to change him. I'm not like that I know that if he wants to change that is a decision he must make. I mean, I'm don't discriminate on any religion, or anyone really. The religions of today, most have been around for years and years, who am I to say that mine is the right one. But I've been in a Christian church since before I could walk. It's the only thing I know and it's what I truly believe.
He believes religion is the root of all evil. (All religions.) That's why I avoid talking about religion with him. I mean it feels like everytime I say something he tells me about something in history that makes my religion sound bad. Yes things happen, bad things, and yes sometimes it's religious differences. But, who is he to tell me things that contradict (or try to) my beliefs. If he truly loved me he would understand how I feel about my religion and accept it as I have accepted him the way he is.
I don't know, I guess I feel like believing in something no matter what it is, is better than believing in nothing. I knew what I was getting into from the start I don't know why I'm so disappointed now.
I don't know how to tell him, I can't even consider marrying him if he's going to continue to feel and act the way he does. That's not what I want my life to be like. I never said I was a saint and did no wrong but, I do believe in something. If I didn't then what would I be here for? Just some useless person that lives my useless live and dies and that's it. No, I don't believe this is it. I believe there's always better things to come. Why doesn't he?
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