It feels like everything is all right in the world...

I wish this feeling could last...
in the back of my mind is my past my future
in this moment I am fully in this, just this
just being... feeling everything from his lips, her skin, the air dancing off my body.
there is nothing, there is everything...
everything feels completely brand new
like a child seeing Christmas lights for the first time
and at the same time is feels comforting and familiar

things are going to be okay regardless of the people who waltz in and out of my life. the things that are constant will pull me through... these things so many things and yet hardly enough are the moments i live in and for, they are the seasons that grace my life they will come and go but they are constant and in that I feel comfort and in that I feel hope...

things are what they are... we are who we are separate, together, perfection... you can't make them out to be more than what they are just like you can't make someone into who he or she is not, but you can take those moments, those seasons and learn from them...

this season feels nice I know it will pass like others before but in this moment I am in it and I feel at ease...

well the rain keeps on coming down

it feels like a flood in my head...
and the road keeps on calling me
screaming to everything lying ahead...

So life... updates....
Things are well off... I'm loving school thus far I'm can't believe I'm nearly a month in... insane how time flys...
Life is like a haze right now... it's odd it's like going from place to place and remembering the place but not how you got there for lack of a better description. I'm remembering moments but not the entire picture. It's hard to explain but if you've ever felt this way you know what I mean.
I feel stuck I feel like things are moving as fast as I would like them, with school, with love, with many things. I'm not trying to rush life I know it's short but there are things I wish would progress and it seems they have decided to stand still.
I always knew in the back of my mind it wouldn't be enough to keep me satisfied but how many sleeps until we can talk uninterrupted? how long until there's no one else but us for a few moments? it's driving me mad not know what certain parts of my future hold... I'm not saying I want to know everything... because I don't I like a little surprise every now and then but there are questions I need answers to... but I'm too afraid to ask... time holds answers I know but patience is not something I'm waiting around to acquire so I've got to just deal with this uneasy feeling in my stomach... until the water is clearer....
again nothing set in stone... I'm not holding on to something unrealistic I'm not holding on to anything really... if opportunity arises I'm taking my chances... he is. however, in the back of my mind always...
one week... to be exact... and and nearly a month since I've crossed any lines...xx

And there it goes, my last chance for peace

you lay me down, but I get no release...

Well, I've never been so happy in my entire life... I finally got fired/quit the job I've hated a year and a half and after a year and a half I'm back in school... every thing's going great... I guess... If I've never been more happy then why am I so miserable? I should be ecstatic... but I'm not... I'm happy on the outside, I'm smiling, but something is missing. Something feels off. odd... I don't know if it's because I'm flat broke or what. Honestly I would rather be broke then work another day at a job I hate... So what the fuck is wrong with me?
My first week of school went smooth. I think this is going to be an easy quarter. I'm only taking three classes I wanted to take it easy my first quarter back plus I would have been working. If I had known I was going to be jobless I would have taken on more classes. Then again it's not like I can afford the classes I have. So far I have no financial aid. which is a joke in itself. I can't get HOPE until I have one more quarter. Why? because I was home schooled my last two years well almost three of high school and had to get my GED therefor I have to prove myself before I can be eligible, as if three quarters of being an A/B student weren't enough. It doesn't matter one more quarter to go and a lot of my stress will be relieved I just have to make it until then.
What do I want to be "when I grow up?" no clue... I know I want to write, I know I love art, I know I want to help kids who are going through what I went through growing up. I'm thinking about being a high school guidance counselor. Just brainstorming really... There's so many things out there I want to do... Sometimes being smart and having talents feels like a curse... Eh I'm too critical of the the generic goal orientated criminal justice, pre-nursing major kids, at least they know what they want or what they're capable (or not capable) of accomplishing. more than I can say for myself...

I have a lot of free time... haven't had that in a while... honestly... it scares me...xx

Point and click...

Sometimes we deny feelings we don't understand or are afraid of. Sometimes we don't act on things we really want to act on because of this fear. I feel your fear... do you feel mine? There will come a day when these games we play won't be enough... one of us will be restless and want more... change is going to come... I feel it... Do you? What do you want from me that you're not getting from her? She can give you everything I can so why wonder/wander? What's the point of all this? It's not physical... I find it hard to believe this is just physical... am I meeting some emotional void? and becoming colder in the process? so many unanswered questions... I can't ask... for fear of the answer... don't ask... don't tell... but this self inflicted blindness leaves me at a disadvantage with you... on one hand I'm not prying, on the other I'm clueless... do you think I want more from you? if so how can you look me in the eye, kiss me and leave me in this state. You changed and compromised everything that was me... what did you expect to gain? did you even know? do you know now? make up your mind... before I make up mine...

you're the cat... I'm the curiosity...

No where's home and I'm all wrong...

Do you remember when you were a young child... you'd spend the day playing outside until the very last traces of sun left the sky... then as darkness covered you... you would run home as fast as you could... heart beating fast... barely able to breathe... then as you walked threw that open front door and shut it fast behind you... those feelings vanish as if by magic... your fears of the moment dissolve into comfort and peace... that's called home... and that's what it feels like...

I remember that feeling but I can't tell you the last time I felt it. I feel fragments time and again. Mostly when I'm with him or with you... You make me feel at peace at ease but it never last... just when I think... I'm comfortable in my stability the darkness burst threw the door... I turn on a lamp but nothing cures darkness like the sun... not even artificial light... Here's where my mind's a wreck... I like the darkness... I like the unknown, the instability but... at the end of it all I still choose... home... it's always a place to fall back to... a place of safety... a sanctuary... a safe haven... sure it's nice to stand out in the rain but at the end of the day the rain won't last and you'll need a place to warm up and dry off... sometimes he feels like that place... sometimes you do... I need a place I can rest completely as ease and peace... I feel like lately I sleep with one eye open... I miss being a kid when the only demons and monsters were in my books, my dreams, my head... where just by waking up from a nightmare turning on the light, pulling covers close, my mom just down the hall was enough to make me brave enough to check the closet or under the bed just one more time... now I'm just sitting on the bed covers close afraid to turn on the light for fear of what I may or may not see...

The sun helps... but it never last... and this artificial light is cold... and no where feels like the warmth of home...xx

here's my fear... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _...