hey remember that time...

i miss you... i miss myself... i miss my life... it starts back the 16th... i'm so scared i wish you were here and could walk me to class like i did you when you started back... i was so proud of you that day... still am you're one of the strongest women i know... do you still read this?
so many good times caused by you... i miss going to the cemetery at night and how the boys were always more afraid than us... i miss sitting in our spot for hours talking about everything and nothing... i miss buffingtons and you tricking me on stage to sing promising you'd sing with me and then you turned off your mic the entire time... i miss how it felt singing on stage with you sitting on the speaker holding your kamakazi... deon laura Paquito cordell chris chasity and the girl who ided me when i was drinking under age but not you... hours at the hop in tawf... our drunken logic and how we never got drunk...
getting off work only to spend hours at sonic... never sleeping... tattoos piercings tattoos... experimenting life... cloves... guitar hero... post secret...
our friendship was just starting this time in 05 was it? it seems like you've always been there though... we were meant to be friends and now that you aren't here i feel like a part of me is missing...
i just feel lost... and i'm afraid... the 16th is coming so fast and you aren't here... i'm so scared to face the world without you... what am i going to do?

I'm addicted to your white lies...

in vain

it's been three months. i could have loved you the rest of my life but you... you're too selfish. you weren't always. I remember at one time I told you to be more selfish that people were taking advantage of you. Am I the reason you've become this person you are now? I do blame myself in a way. You cheated with three girls that I know of. What was going through your mind when you were fucking them (forgive my bluntness)? I meant to ask but you would have just lied anyways. You still lie to me. You lie to the new girl. You lie to yourself.
I hate the person you are now. Maybe it was you all along and you hid it. Everyone around me saw it but I saw something different. I hurt so many people pushed so many people away and it's your fault. so many bridges burned for you. and you've done nothing for me except destroy my spirit. I miss the old me. the girl i was before i met you. I'm trying to get her back. i have in a lot of ways. God i hope i don't see you when i get to Seattle. you're not Taylor. Taylor was a fictional over romanticized character i made up because josh wasn't good enough. no that's not exactly what i mean. he wasn't though everyone says he wasn't good enough for me. i believe them now. he wasn't... Taylor was... but Taylor's not real... i tell myself that... i didn't see him much but i loved him with everything... and he let josh break me into pieces... how could he do that? he was my protector or so i thought... that night josh went ballistic... Taylor came through and he protected me... you really do have spilt personalities... i truly believe this and when you drink or do drugs you can't control them as well... i believe that... there is something dangerous inside of you and you do a good job of keeping it sedated but one day i fear you will go completely mad... that scares me... i wonder who will you hurt when you do...
maybe you won't get the chance to...
I dream about your death so vividly... i hate it. i wish i could just eternal sunshine of the spotless mind you and everything to do with you... this dream i have this nightmare i want it to go away but i can't control my dreams... I've heard you can learn how... but i don't know maybe i have a weak mind... i will write it here and see if it happens.... you are in a car listening to your music the song always varies i hear ten years sometimes disturbed sometimes shinedown... you have it loud as always... the car i can't see but it is a car... and dark.... you are wearing a long sleeved navy blue shirt... cargo pants... you're in a secluded area trees all about only a two lane highway... it's not dark out... maybe early morning... maybe evening the trees block out a lot of light... the road is wet... i want to stop here... cause I've seen you die so many times now... it's painful i always wake up crying... and see you're not beside me and i think it's already happened because you're not there where you used to be... am i crazy? i wonder sometimes... you are thrown from the car... i don't know what happens to cause this... slick road a deer you falling asleep i don't know... but there is glass all over the road and the radio is still playing... it's always the same song but i won't tell you what it is... you're bruised and broken bleeding in the road... and you are alone...
i used to feel like time was running out... was i supposed to die with you and now I'm not cause we broke up? or was it me sensing my time with you was nearly over? i hate not having answers... i hate the questions i ask even more... how long did it take you to cheat on me once you got to west v.a.? not long i imagine... josh was looking for a way out the whole relationship i think... two years... two years of my life... gone... i was so stupid to think i would marry you and you were fucking other girls... you had it made didn't you... a loving supporting gf at home... waiting patiently... i spent almost all of our relationship waiting do you realize that. and for what? empty words... false hope... nothing...
i won't write about you anymore... not after this rarely if ever... I've spent enough time on you... i thought you were worth it... i know now you're not... even this blog is more time wasted that you don't deserve... you're the only person in this world who makes me wish i had the ability to hate...
what goes around comes around... and if i were you... i would watch my back... she's hunting you as we speak... you know she always catches you...

This is why I can't give up without a fight May 2007

I'm finally finished with my work long enough to sit down and write you. This is by far the strangest relationship I have ever been in. Not nessicarily a bad thing but I feel it needs to be noted. I always knew you were one of those special people. One of those people who has the ability to turn another person's world upside down. I never thought it would be me. You are one of my favorite people if not my favorite. You have a room, not just a place, but a whole room that is just for you in my heart. There are only 3 other people who have one of those. You have decorated it and put sheets on the bed, even a little teddy bear in the middle. I have to thank you. For being that person who listened when no one else would, for making me speak when I didn't know how. You listened to my petty problems and didn't judge me. You showed sincere concern for my feelings. Not only that but you enjoyed the company I gave. That surprises me the most. You wanted more than just my problems, you wanted to dig deeper, listen to my heart, bathe in the waters of my soul, feel and expirience my hopes, my dreams, the things that made me shiver late at night, you wanted to share in my triumphs, feel my disires. No subject was candid. While this was going on. I did the same, I entered your castle of walls and booby traps that lead to your heart. I asked questions and explored those things you said and refused to say but leaked through anyways. I never in my wildest dreams thought it would come to this. What are we? More than friends, but not in a relationship either. Let me tell you somethings you may not have known about me. I knew what love was when I was young. I knew and understood, that it was mysterious, and rare. I knew it made some fly and flung some into dispair. I understood that no matter what you did it was there, unconditional. I didn't understand how so many people believed it was love that they were feeling. I promised not to be like them. To wait for true love, the love of fantasy and legends. And I have tried, and succeeded in some ways. Whether they felt the same...I doubt it. No one is still here are they. But I loved them harder than steel. Unfortunately, I have had to build walls, gates, puzzles, keys, mazes, riddles and more to guard my heart against people who didn't have my best intentions at heart. I have saw and expirienced the heart ache it causes and never want to go through that. Yet it seems that every way I have learned it, it has snuck around and said 'hey I can do this too', For example, falling in love with two people at once. I think I know how you got in. Besides the fact you suffer from the awesomeness. By trying to make you fall in love with me, I let you into places you didn't try to get into. By gaining your keys and solving your puzzles you skipped some of mine. I have no doubt you could have done it. It would have been neat to see how though. I am all in Britt, I am not going to keep anything from happening, from this point forward, I'm all in. I just was trying to tell you, I am falling in love, I can't stop it, It's wonderful, and I'm so glad it's you. If it's too soon sorry. These aren't things you can control, you know when you are around someone like you, hauh what do you expect. I was overwhelmed. My dreams the other night made me realize where you are. I am falling from a cliff, and no parachute to help save. I do it with grace and pride though, because it is a girl who acctually deserves my love and will love me back in all the right ways. There are still things that I need to see and hear from you. I refuse to tell you what they are. I will say that it's very simple. No restraints, no regrets, no stopping, I'm locked into this roller coaster with no disire to get off. I'm scared of all the things that could happen. Please if you decide you don't want this or it's too crazy or for what ever reason, let me go. It'll hurt but I would rather you do that than mess up our friend ship. But I am me, I am everything you see and hear. The deepest seas of thought to the highest clouds of emotion. I have never been the first to fall. So congrats. So much more to say but I don't know how. Let this suffice for now.Love Always and Forever,~Joshua Taylor

...xx

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Currently ListeningLife on Life's TermsBy Bedlight for Blue Eyessee related
It's been awhile but i think it's time to resurrect this graveyard of words... life has been chaotic... as cliche' as it is it's been like a roller coaster... just up and down up and down upside downs blinding colors and lights... everything was starting to calm down i think i'm finally off the ride when my foundation gets rooted up yet again... i'm not going into details... but i thought i had lost my best friend to some nobody... i was hurt said things i didn't mean said many things i did mean... and... pushed away one of the best things that has ever happened in my life because i was hurting... still hurting... i know she is too and i hate that most of all... i didn't mean to hurt her but i just felt like my spirit was dying i felt like i was killing hers too... we had been fighting or bickering frequently and then when i did get to see her alone we sat in silence because i've honestly forgotten how to talk to her... i felt so distant from her even when she was right there... that's nothing like our friendship at all i've always been able to talk to her but now i find myself sugar coating things or not saying what i really mean or not saying anything at all... it's frustrating not feeling like you can talk to one of the only people who's been there to listen in so long... and i know a lot of it is my fault but a lot of it is this little shit "boyfriend" she has... you know i thought he was a great guy... but the more i know him the more i find out the more i realize he's just a little boy who needs a lot of growing up to do... and i think she's way too good for him... he's a little dip shit nobody... he lacks intelligence and ambitions... yeah he's in the military but i think it's a cop out because he has no real aspirations in life... i've lost all respect for him and i can't been around him... i didn't think it was fair to say "hey he's not allowed at our house" so i did ask that she start moving her things out of the house... yeah it was rash... but like i said a lot happened and i was hurt... we all make mistakes... she and i had actually been talking about her moving out for like a month now because we've just been too close i guess and we both agreed it would help salvage our friendship if she got her own place... if he makes her happy you know that's what i want for her she does deserve it... but secretly i believe she'll wake up next to him one day and be like wooh this isn't what i want at all... he's not all bad but like i said he's not good enough for her... i think she'll always wonder "what if" i don't know i'm rambling and this is a pretty long come back... i miss her you know... i wake up and i can't walk in the other room and she be there... i haven't talked to her in so long... and it's everything i can do to get out of bed because i miss her so fucking much... it's like losing a sister... we're trying to mend... i pray we do... i love her like she was my sister... i hope i made the right choice as rash as it was...
anyways in other news... taylor and i are repaired i think... and i think we're going to be okay... he's supposed to be moving to milledgeville... hmm... we'll see... i get so confused sometimes about everything... but i do know i love him and he does make me so happy when i'm with him... i just wish i knew for certain that this is right... i feel like it is... but i've been wrong before... i have no faith in myself or my judgement anymore... and i don't know how to fix it... god everything is so hard right now i just wish i could breathe... i just wish i could think... one more week of school then maybe i can sit down and think things out... i only have one more quarter then it's one to a bigger fish tank... i'm terrified of what's out there but i'm also excited... i want to go to SCAD so freaking bad i can taste it... taste like being punched in the mouth currently... it's so expensive and i don't want to be just another pretentious art brat... i want to make something for myself... i want to be a writer a photographer a journalist... but at the same time i want to help as many people as i can before i die... i guess i never knew i wanted to save the world until someone taught me it was worth saving... i hope she remembers that... my mind is so full i can't think straight... eh... that's all i can get out for today... always choose love hate will get you in the end...xx

just dandy and you?

So things have changed a lot in this month alone maybe for the better maybe for the worst. MaKenzie and I have parted ways after nearly two years. I haven't talked to her in around 5 days... it's very odd... not talking to your best friend... in days... some many people are mad at me... including her ex and her recent boyfriend... who by the way is a serious douche bag... he had the nerve to call me a drug addict when I've rarely seen a day when he doesn't smoke pot... she's too good for him i just wish she saw it... she's way smarter than he could ever hope to be... i don't know why she's with him or why it feels like she's choosing a month relationship over a nearly three year relationship... i don't know... i hate this i hate not being able to talk to her... (because her parents came down and got her phone car and computer)(and she doesn't live with me as of this weekend)...
other than that I'm almost done with school only one quarter left and Taylor is moving in... so many things going on...

I meant to tell you I changed my blog address

but I didn't :)
will I ever look at you like I look at anyone else... your bright wide eyes and beautiful lashes that frame those meadow colored eyes like the shore frames the ocean... your childlike smile and the way it makes your sophisticated serious face turn into that of a child just being told he's going to Disney land... the way your very presence commands a rooms attention unintentionally... or maybe it's just my attention... when I look at you I'm not sure what I feel honesty is it intrigue after months have passed... you're still a mystery to me yet I think I've got you figured out... why am I writing about you anyways... aah... why not... fascinating the way you have things down to an art... the way girls crowd around you... and giggle... they way a you connect people who would normally be strangers... everyone else the equation you are what it equals... does that make sense... it does in my head... you've connected me with my best friend as well as enemies... sip your drink... smoke your oh so uncommon brand of cigarettes... overwhelming since of Christmas when you exhale... which by the way I see kids who have no concern with being "cool" smoking... they don't pull it off like you... why because they actually do care about appearances... you don't see that's part of the captivation... not like it was... but still evident... I'm out...xx

To My Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do~a fine frenzy

everyday it becomes easier to let you go...xx