THE END

...xx

My downfall

I'm hurting, I'm crying, I'm upset, I'm shocked, I'm in pain, I've lost trust, I'm exhausted, I'm unstable, I'm emotional.
I wished I hadn't listened to those I trust the most.
I'm weak, I'm scared, I'm distressed, I'm tired, I'm lost, I'm breaking down, I'm losing it, I'm out of control, I'm a mess.
Now I've been made into a liar which I've never been at all.
I'm falling, I'm failing, I'm screaming, I stopped breathing, I'm out of reach, I'm hiding, my walls are back up, I'm fading fast.
I'm sorry for many things I've done.
I'm sorry for what I did.
I'm confused, I'm dazed, I'm bewildered, I'm misinterpreted, I'm misunderstood, I'm aching, I'm shaken, I'm jaded, I'm a walking contradiction
And now you believe I'm someone I'm not.
I will never contradict this though my dear friend, I CARE ABOUT YOU and will continue to do so though the friendship has diminished. Once again when I said UNCONDITIONAL I meant it. If I never meant anything I said I meant that. I will always care about you no matter what you hear or read or choose to believe. If it didn't come straight out of my mouth, from now on, how about you not believe things you hear or read. We are still as much strangers as the day we met.

I'm so pathetic you made me finally said it so much more than this is gone.
My trust is gone. My walls are back. I'm finished wearing my emotions on my sleeves...xx

Unattainable

I think the vaccine is sweeter than the disease.
it's nice to remember how to breathe
it's amazing that I'm feeling so free
I know now the truth I couldn't see
delusions, illusions, glamour confusion
such is the life you flaunt
such is the life I no longer want
trading being unwanted for unwanting
and I feel the addiction slipping away
the infatuation that ruled my day
your magic wore off
because you didn't get your way
you don't always get your way
and neither do I
I hope you know you're living a lie...xx

for no one in particular

Black Bird a Plane over New York and New Friend Request

So last night Karaoke was off and a band played at Buffington's Albyon forgive me if I messed that up. Honestly I don't know how good they were because we left before I had heard one song. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We were sitting talking this being Shannon, Laura and I when Jonathan (white black guy) joined us. Somehow this turning into singing about Vaginas but I'm getting ahead of myself again. We went back to my house the four of us plus one and Jonathan broke out my guitar. I haven't heard it played in years he's pretty awesome (tuned it in G I believe)(thought you'd like that) anyways he started teaching me to play Blackbird (beatles) I am going to learn to play guitar if it kills me. I already think I'm pretty awesome. So Jonathan who I thought might potentially be an ass hole turns out to be pretty freaking awesome. He views on me were fucked to he thought I might be a stuck up bitch. Not so much. Anyways we talked about my confidence, my wrist, me being born in a plane over New York City, that I'm a lot like Sam from Garden State and music. Awesome he's a cool cat. Hope our encounters are more frequent.
Anyways Laura was drinking Capitan Morgan and singing about her balding poodenda crazy crazy stuff I wish I had hooked up my camera and posted it on YouTube because it was some hilarious stuff.
My night started off shitty and I had been told I'm immature by more than one person but fuck it some things you aren't meant to be mature about in regards to one person and sometimes it's easier to be immature than face the music to the other.
I'm okay now but I'm still a little sore from the entire texting event but it doesn't matter and I'm not bringing it up. Don't want to be dramatic. So one again keep the hurt on the inside and everything will be okay.
By the way Jonathan I think may be someone I see myself confiding in I can let things off my chest with him and it's nice because he seems like he genuinely cares.

so much the same yet so different...xx

Breakdown: I'm FINE

I have an issue I've been dealing with lately. Honestly it hasn't been an issue since I was 18 and I thought I was over it but it seems it's back.
Beth's trying to help me work through it. And in regards to "I fucking love you" it's mutual. I didn't ask for her help in this matter but she can relate so I guess she thinks she can save me. I'm not the type of person who put my "issues" off on other people not even my friends. I've always been that way. I listen to their problems try to help them but I keep the things I'm dealing with to myself. I deal with my problems myself. I guess Beth doesn't think I'm dealing with them fast enough. She says I don't talk to her. It's true. I talk to her but I leave somethings out. She's got enough on her plate I just don't want her to worry about me. Even though she already does. I know my problem is an issue I know it's not something normal people do. I know I said it's not going to kill me but I know I shouldn't do it. And honestly I want to talk to you about it (Beth) but there is a time and a place for Dr.Phil moments and getting me upset and crying at work isn't the right time. God there's so much I want to say right now but it's just not coming out right.
I'm listening to you whether you believe it or not but I felt attacked last night/this morning. And had I not been a strong person I think it would have sent me over the edge. I know I have a problem. I'm not an idiot. I know I'm not fine. But I'm not that out of touch with reality. Just chill out. I'm doing all I can to function normally at work please don't get in my face about an issue I'm trying to work through when I'm unstable as it is. There's a time for it and that was not the time.
Believe me when I say I'm going to be fine. If I don't talk to you about my problems take it as a compliment that I'm not putting them off on you. Whether you want me to or not I don't feel right. They are my problems I have to deal with them and I will. Maybe it's not fast enough for you but I am going to be okay.
The next time you feel the need to discuss my problems how about we discuss them when it's convenient for me.
I love you and I know your intentions are true but your timing was off and it hurt. It hurt a lot. Some of the things you said hurt more than the actual act and I don't need that from my best friend. Maybe I'm not strong enough to deal with this on my own but you have to give me a chance to try before you step in. You can't cripple me because then I'm going to depend on you more than I already do and that's definitely something you don't need and it wouldn't be good for me either. Believe it or not there are going to be times when I'm dealing with something and you are preoccupied and I'm going to have to work threw them myself. So let me. Be there for me but don't be my crutch. That's not what I need.
I don't want this to come off harsh I'm not trying to be mean. I need you yes but I don't want to have to depend on you or rely on you. You're amazing for trying to help and I love you but let me help myself too don't just come in and take over.
I'm stronger than you think. I have weak moments like everyone else but I am strong and I am going to work through this on my own time and I am going to be okay...
I love you and I thank you for everything...xx

Anonymous Entertainment

Anonymous said...
you sad pathetic little creature. I pity you.
4:56 AM

all this talk of being open. All this talk of saying what we mean. All this talk means nothing if there's not a name to go with the "openness" of this statement.
If you're going to say something like this fine but at least have the guts to give yourself a name. The guts to post it on the blog it pertained to not my photo blog.
I think it's LAME you (who ever you are) would said that and then not own up to it. Anyone can say something like that and not put a name to it that takes no guts at all but the fact that you posted as anonymous makes you seem a little juvenile and pathetic yourself.
Oh and in regards to "I pity you" I stand by my response but in case you didn't get it let's break down pity for a moment here. Pity? Do you really think you're that high up on the level that you can pity me? Do you think yourself that superior to me? You weren't even important enough to give yourself a name. Pity implies that you care. We pity the homeless. We pity third word countries. Why because we are human beings who feel compassion for someone suffering. It's different with you because you don't care. You didn't post that comment because you care. You don't. You feel no compassion for me so why did you post it?
Once again I don't need or want anything from you. Least of all your pity. Your pity is a lie anyways a lie to make you seem like you care to make you seem more human. Your pity is a joke.
The next time you want to post something on my blog how about you own up and give yourself a name kid. Because random statements from random anonymous people don't mean a thing to me. Grow up.
It's you I pity. You poor thing. Nothing better to do that post anonymous comments on people you don't even care about's blogs. People must be envious of your life. Really... xx

The lines aren't healed...

and I'm already ready to cross them again... I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I don't even know who I am anymore...

Lost in Translation

Which is why communicating via blogs and text messages is fucking over everyone. (texting and myspace=downfall=bad=evil) Everyone's so damn impersonal.(no one cares to talk to each other no one says what they mean) I've done it (guilty) but then again if people would say exactly what they really mean there wouldn't be an issue here now would there?(I think not) I'd do anything short of selling my soul to be able to read minds. (anything=anything) The good the bad atleast then you would have to put in the effort of speaking not that many people do these days anyways. (phone calls are lost on me) Nobody cares for real one on one conversation (hello would you like to go have a cup of coffee doesn't take that much effort) we communicate with "friends" via IMs and Myspace soon there won't be a reason to talk face to face at all. I believe I've heard someone say "I have more friends on Myspace than I do in real life." pathetic, not that you say you have more friends on myspace than in real life but that you think all those people are your "friends". Lame. Myspace a place for friends? No Myspace a place for networking nothing wrong with that just don't confuse it for "friendship". This society is going to shit but atleast it gives me something to laugh about. Not that I had a hard time finding things to laugh about lately. (come on have you seen the world we're living in? if you're not laughing at some point you have no sense of humor what so ever and I'm glad I don't know you)
So I have a quote reminds me of someone (a couple of someones but one in particular)(you can assume this is you fine by me not going to call you conceited or anything or ask if you think I write everything about you?)(because you know I don't I know I don't just as well as I know you don't write everything about me)(the girl who write these words=not that important)(I knew that. Guess you missed the memo)(or it got, proving the titles point here, LOST IN TRANSLATION)

"The absence of judgment helps you to appreciate reality" (needs no footnotes this is simply beautiful)

I'll leave you with that oh and conceited? Give me a break. It's not like I said I was the only friend you knew who had ever said I'm through caring about the world. Seems to me like it's a universal feeling shoulda marketed that shit when I was the first person ever in the history of the world to say I don't care about people. muwhahaha I don't think I'm that important in the world or your world believe me. Conceited nah I'm convinced get it right ;) (<---this means I'm joking incase that bypassed anyone)(I think I'm going to start labeling everything I say so you know exactly what I mean because after all you're not a mind reader and some of my friends clearly aren't the brightest.) ( : ) ) smile god damn it you take life to seriously ( ; ) )
oh and I think you're going to get a kick outta this "do you think I write every blog about you?" isn't that you assuming that I assume you write every blog about me? (oooohh assumptions=evil). I was just responding to a point you made that I found I could relate to. And actually I only wrote the response because Beth said you were starting to sound like me and I had to see what that was about. Good to know there's other people in the world who feel like me. You should give the "friend" you were refering to (the one you heard say it) my Myspace I think we'd get along marvelously. Now, do I think I'm the first person who decided to stop giving a shit? No. Do I think I'm the reason you've decided to stop giving a shit? No. Have a Good Day (<^---this is for you) ;)

I'm wrong... and I'm Finished

I lied and I apologize...
I can lie to you to everyone I know and even to myself but the truth is how you so eloquently put it. There's my confession. I am as pathetic as (you)(I) make me out to be. My cards are on the table do with them what you will. Rub them in my face. Say I told you so do what you will. Bring it up everytime we argue I don't care. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't mutual. I'm not completely delusional. This isn't the middle school version it's the adult version. I know where you stand I know where I stand. All I ask is that you don't humor me. I can't take it which is why I said friendship is all I want. There's my not so secret, secret it's yours now do with it what you will. I have a lame ass fucking school girl _ _ _ _ _.
I've decided that I am finished with people in general as well. My efforts are pointless they only leave me lacking and I am done. As selfish as it sounds I'm living for me regardless of people who could care less about me's feelings. I'm tired of walking on egg shells I'm tired of trying to save a world who won't fight for themselves. I'm tired of being hurt by people who are so consumed with their own mediocre existence that they can't see the real issues outside their front doors. People are so self righteous and self centered and selfish and I am finished caring about them. I mean it. I'm done. You want your world to be better then grow some balls and fight for what it takes to make you happy. I am finished fighting for you. You're sure as hell not fighting for me.
To the people I love. I still love you and thank you for everything. I will continue to fight for the few of you there are and you can disregard the above statements but I've got to start learning to love myself and I've got to realize I can't save everyone. Not everyone wants to be saved. A hard lesson to learn but I think I've finally got it.
I care about people entirely too much for my own good. I mean I would go without if it meant I could help someone. I have but not anymore. I'm tired of coming second. I'm tired of caring about people. I'm restless it's exhausting and it's over.
You people have fucked me over for the last time... I wish you beautiful lives filled with every happiness fitting to the happiness each of you individually desires as mundane as the mass of you are but I am over this and I am over you... The next time you have need remember the last time you catered to my need and hold your fucking tongue because I'm not listening anymore...xx

Tell me that you're alright

Yeah everything is alright...
Oh please tell me that you're alright.
Yeah everything is alright.

I mean it... We went to the cemetery and had a long peaceful chat and an enlightening conversation. It's been an amazing day just first class. There is nothing wrong in my world at this moment. Everything is alright. I feel amazing. I feel fine. I feel alive for the first time in a long time and I like it.
Wow, you are constantly impressing me you are such a selfless amazing person. And I know now what I do to myself effects you and for that I am truly sorry. I would never hurt you on purpose never I love you more than I love most of my relatives and way more than most people in this world. You were put here to do amazing things. You were put here to spread your light. I haven't talked about you in a while what with this boystop situation and all but I think it's high time I did. You give me a reason to smile everyday I know I'm going to see you. If that ain't love then I don't know what love is. You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. The best. Anyone who doesn't want you in their life is a cockpocket extreme and they are missing out. You make me want to better myself. You make me want to accept myself and love me for me. You make me want to stop hurting myself. You make me want to be better in general. You are such an inspiration and I look up to you more than anyone in this world (well not in the literal sense and all)(moving on)(hey wait... You're short...haha) You came into my life at just the right time and I feel like you've saved me on more than one occasion. You are not a wastebasket regardless of what anyone says. You are here to better this world one person at a time and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with caring about people. I think some people don't care enough and this world would be far different if people were more like you.
I'm sorry for the shit I've been putting through and I'm sorry for making you feel guilty. I'm sorry for being manipulative. I've sorry for being too attached sometimes. I'm sorry for everything that's been going on in general including being a dumb girl.
You're friendship is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I hope oneday I can be like you. You are such a good person and such an inspiration. You see beauty in everything you see good in every situation and it amazes me. And it's nice to know that when I'm being an ass hole (deaf girl in chorus) you laugh with me but in the end let me know how wrong I am, because it's funny as shit to me and sometimes I don't know I'm being an asshole.
thank you for everything. Don't worry about me anymore though because I've been through worse and I'm going to be fine. I'm sticking around long enough for me to tell your kids the meaning of cockbite and sending them home to you sugared up thinking Aunt Brittnee is the shit. I promise I'm not going to do anything dumb especially over some boy who could care less. I like life far too much to let little things get me down. I like the thought of Matthew asking you "mommy what is a fucktard?" far too much to give up on life now. I can't wait... I can't wait I know the best is yet to come and I know that because of you... I love you unconditionally...xx

A Crush but it's not mutual...

You have no clue how true that statement is.
First off is this your observation or do you think the world has a crush on you? I'm not trying to be mean some people have enough confidence for every person in this world, nothing wrong with that. Either way it's a mistake love. I like you that's fair enough. I would even say I like you a lot. But a crush now that's something entirely different.
Here's my definition of crush maybe I'm mistaken. A crush is when you like someone more than anyone else. When you think about marrying them or being in a relationship with them. I don't recall ever expressing that I wanted that from you. Crush is writing someone's last name with yours over and over. Crush is so juvenile. I'm not that desperately "in love" with you. Don't call it a crush. Lame...
I like you okay fine I will admit that I like you. I will completely give you that. Do I want to be in a relationship with you. No, nothing more than friendship which I have clearly expressed time and again. Now granted when I first met you I may have had a "crush" but that quickly was crushed as they often are. I know that you and I are never going to happen I know that I'm not that delusional believe me. First off I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and Besides you're not what I want out of a relationship and you're not what I want out of life. I want so much more than you can give. Another point you already have someone in your life like that. All I want is your friendship. I'm sorry if I lead you to believe there was more to it than that. I like you but it doesn't mean I have a crush. I care but it doesn't mean I'm writing Mrs.(your last name) all over everything. I've kissed you but it doesn't mean I'm hearing wedding bells. I stare but it doesn't mean I'm choosing our kids last names. I know all you can offer is friendship and I know that, that is something I want. You're not dealing with a middle schooler here. I can be grown up about somethings and this is one of those times.
I don't have a crush, I'm not a booty call, I don't want to be your girlfriend, I don't want to marry you, I'm not in love with you, I don't want to have your babies, I don't write I heart you everywhere. Please don't make me out to be some poor pathetic girl who is in love with a boy who doesn't feel the same way to complete strangers and please tell your friends to stop IMing me telling me you have a girlfriend. It's so lame... Not every girl you encounter is after you that way. I'm not trying to hook line and sink you. I'm not trying to take you away from her. I'm not trying to be your girlfriend. Just friend.
All I want is to be your friend here's my definition of friend. People who hang out together. People who talk. People who care for each other more than strangers but not as much as people in relationships. People who are there for each other. People who call or text just to ask how your day was. People who laugh together. People who make things easier. People who love unconditionally. People who are there when you're sad. People who are there when you're happy. People who take nothing from each other. People who give everything. People to talk to when you feel your worst. People you talk to when you feel your best. People you can talk to about anything. People you can tell your secrets. People who keep your secrets. Friends are connections to this world that make you feel less alone that make you feel more alive and that make you feel loved.

I like you, I love you and I'm your friend end of story. . .xx

The End...

A lady knows when it's time to bow out gracefully with her dignity and her pride so there you have it. I'm finished. I'd like to say it was fun while it lasted, some parts were but for the most part I'm relieved that time in my life is over. I'm finished hurting... I'm finished crying...

Moving on... Life is wonderful and I'm excited again.

RE: box set

May I assume that was for me?
I don't think you are a villain at all and I'm not trying to make you out to be one. I've said before I trust you. I've said many times before what an amazing guy I think you are. Maybe you're trying to help me break my shell but maybe that wasn't the best method. Maybe I am a scared little girl but walking out only makes me more scared and more insecure with the situation in general. I've had too many people walk out to count. I understand you are not those people. Once again I suppose that's an issue that I have to deal with and I'm trying please believe me I'm trying. If you knew me two years ago you'd think my progress was nothing short of miraculous. I've been more sheltered than you can possibly understand. It seems like you were born free. I'm getting there but it's not an overnight thing and it's not a do it right now or else thing either. Yes I am asking for your help and yes I will take whatever help you give. I'm not saying I need a crutch because I can do this on my own. I'm just saying knowledge from someone more experienced in the letting go department will be welcomed with an open mind from now on. However the "little girl" in me is defiant and stubborn and ultimatum are pointless. Call me out that's fine I'm okay with being called out but putting the or else at the end, yeah that's meaningless. I'm sure your intentions were true but your execution was off. There's a way to get what you want from me and there's a way to get me to let go and it's a lot easier trust me. Forcing me to (because that's what it felt like because yes I'll admit I wanted your company) brings out the I'll show you quality of my nature and neither one of us benefited from that now did we?
Going back reading my post you did come off as villainous and I apologize for that. I don't think you're a villain I don't think you're out to get me or make me compromise myself. You've made me feel too comfortable on other occasions to let me believe you are up to no good. Just take it easy on me. This is all new for me... I'm experiencing things for the first time and it's a lot to take in sometimes. I'll admit I'm a little scared but I'm getting over it... I want new experiences I'm ready for them just don't throw me in and expect me to swim with no prior knowledge and don't let me drown... I'm ready when you are...

I hope you know...

I think you live two very different lives and I think you are two very different people.(we're all that way, including me) I like the other one much better :) Where did he go? Where is he hiding? Which one is the real you? I hope he comes back he seems nice. No, he seems AMAZING. hmm... I'm never going to see him again am I? Is he the lie or the truth? I can't tell. I'm so confused. I think when I look back I'm going to remember you like him and think what a breathtakingly amazing guy he was. I just wish I had, had more time with him. He was indescribable. God I felt so comfortable for a moment. So free for an instant. I felt like the world didn't exist outside my door looking into his eyes. God I hope he comes back. I hope he still remembers my name when he does. I hope it's not too late when he does. Please come back. I know you're not like this. I still have faith that you're not like this. God I pray that you're not like this. You're not like the person the other night at all. You can't be. You just can't.... You're better than that. I still believe you're better than that. I know you're better than that. Give me a call when you realize you are the amazing person I think you are... I think then we can have the friendship I want from you... that's all I'm asking for...xx

For Hayden... I used to...

But now I don't.
today's going to be a good day. Today you don't exist. Nothing exist. Just me, music, my car and the road. Today the small town I live in and the mediocre drama in my life is behind me. They suddenly don't seem so important. You don't seem important. Nothing seems important. Too bad this feeling is temporary. But if they bottled and sold this feelings this numbness to everything I would be first in line. The I could be just like you. Not caring for anything in this world. What a nice feeling that must be. What freedom you must possess. What a happy and full life you must live. Not being attached to anything. Complete freedom. hmm. It sounds nice. Is it? You'll have to let me know? How does it feel to not care? The things you can do when you don't care must be limitless. I can only imagine. No inhibitions, no regrets, nothing. You should write a book. Hell I would take the time to read it. How to Let go of everything 101. Teach me to be like you. Teach me to let go of everything including my feelings. I want to be numb. I want to not care about anyone or anything. I want every moment to seem unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I want to look back fifty years from now knowing I lived a life not bound to anyone or anything not caring about anything at all. Just existing in a world I could care less about. Sounds Fun. God I wish I didn't care you have to help me with this. You're the expert. I want your life so badly. I want to be you if only for a day... It must be like a dream. I want you to teach me to be like you... Really...
I'll fill you in on how the road trip went...xx

bless your heart <3 <3 <3

Don't worry I won't be asking anything of you

Not that I ever did. I never wanted or took or asked anything of you. It's clear you want nothing from me. So it was nice while it lasted. Look me up when you're over our little *tiff* I'm over it. I'm over... I hope you have a beautiful life full of everything you desire until then... I'm in the background...

Love ridden, I’ve looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I’ve wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warmth, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over
So I can’t tonight, baby
No, not ‘baby’ anymore - if I need you
I’ll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we’ll only have to wave
My hand won’t hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way to the door
And now I’m giving up on you...No, not ‘baby’ anymore - if I need you
I’ll just use your simple name

No regrets?

I don't have any from last night and I have you to thank for that.

can you explain to me how...
you're so able, how?
it's too late for me now
there's a hole in the earth... Hole in the earth...

What happened to I don't want you to regret anything? What happened to are you comfortable? What happened to what I thought made you different from every other stupid boy that's out in this world? We need another one of them like we need another disease.
But you don't see it that way. I'm the immature one. Funny how ironic that statement is now. Funny how my views are different now. Funny how the little things never work out. You made me feel weak I felt myself giving in ( and yes I was more than ready )but I realized I'm not as weak as I thought. So thank you for that. Thank you for acting like everything I thought you weren't. Thank you for making me come to my senses. Thank you for making me realize I'm not compromising myself for anyone. By how you reacted I guess you don't hear no a lot. hmm. But I'm just being immature so I'm going to bed. I hope you have a good night. I hope you are safe...xx... I HOPE THAT'S NOT THE REAL YOU...

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did...

http://www.myspace.com/ruariroberts

Once again this is a light hearted matter intended to make you laugh or atleast smile. I hope I represented you well. I only did it because I think so highly of you. I didn't do it in a malicious manner. I did it for fun. Geeze I'm so cute I amaze myself. If you could see how I've been smiling the whole time you would agree it was worth it... SMILE... And laugh about it. I hope you have as good a sense of humor as I think you do. If not it's not like anyone knows about it. And I may delete it. Maybe... xx

God: my ideas on him/her/you

So here's my readers digest version of what I think God is. You may not agree but personally I could care less. People are entitled to their opinions and here is mine as fucked up as it may seem.
So there's this guy/girl. Let's see let me rephrase this. There is this being. I believe that this being, this force,this presence created life. I believe everything that is here is here because of this being. Why are we here? What is our purpose? I don't know. Do we have to even have a reason to be here? Do we have to have purpose to live? No, we can just exist. There's nothing wrong with that but I believe some people are here to do bigger things than you're average Joe on the street. Not to blow my own horn but I'm one of those people who are here for something more. How do I know? I just do. If you were one of those people you would feel it to.
I'm off subject so I said God created life. Well we as humans can create life as well so aren't we in a sense God. We can create things and change things we have made this world what it is. Yes God may have started it but we took the keys and ran with it. We have created the world we live in. We create our own worlds, we make our homes, decide the future of our lives, surround ourselves with people we care for. We decide our lives basically. So it's like God started this kingdom and then stepped aside. Yes I believe there is a God but I believe he let's us do our own thing. I hate when people use God as an excuse to live. I've done it before but I've since then come to the realization that God is in me and where ever I am it is present. The decisions I make good or bad by some man written book are my decisions and God was present the entire time. I'm not living my life by what some conformist men who wanted people to be clones and not have minds of their own thought. Keep them in line, keep their mouths shut and behave like good little Christians. I'm not following rules that a man created to keep me from living a full life. I don't know I'm very jaded about this subject. I was brought up in the church and sometimes I think I was brainwashed. I believe in God my idea of God is different from yours I'm sure but I don't think God wants us to live boring mundane barely existing lives either. I think God wants us to enjoy life. I mean he created it I don't think he meant for us to just sit around and twiddle our thumbs. He wants us to live he wants us to enjoy everything life have to offer. Why would this world exist if all we were meant to do is exist? Come on people use your minds and your free will for a moment here.
If your idea of God is this judge figure who is watching our every move expecting us to live by rules man wrote and that we should make decision based souly on what we think he would want I would hate to be you. I would hate to live my life everyday cautious and scared of this being who doesn't step in when a tower full of people is falling to the earth. Free will people it's a gift use it. I'm not saying go out and murder someone. You know in your heart what is right and wrong by you. I believe that people are basically good I mean look at this world. Yes there are bads things very bad things but there are so many good things as well. We are this world, we make this world what it is. We are all God and God is us. Look at all the things we have accomplished look at this world we have made the good and the bad it is still beautiful and breath taking and amazing and we did it. Maybe we didn't start the world maybe there is something bigger than us but we did take this lump of clay if you will and we molded it into an amazing, amazing, world.
As for heaven and hell. This world is heaven this world is hell. It's all how you look at it. If you surround yourself with beautiful positive things then it is your heaven if you are in a destruction downward spiral it is your hell. It's all in your eyes you are the creator. Is there a heaven or a hell after we die? Who knows I've personally never died but why worry about it when you can have your own heaven or hell right now? Don't make your life a hell because you think when you die you'll go to heaven. Live for now. Live as is this is heaven this is the end the beginning all we have to look forward to is today.
It took me a while to learn this but I'm coming around. I'm not saying be reckless and destructive I'm saying be free. I'm saying live your life according to what your heaven is. Don't be repressed and live in fear of what comes after we die. Do what you have to do to make you feel alive whether it's writing a song or walking alone on a beach whatever it takes to make you feel like your more than you are. You are more than you are this life is a dream and you are the dreamer you can do anything. ANYTHING if you will just not hold back and not live in fear. There are endless possibilities in this world ENDLESS and they are waiting for you to stand up and decide what you want. You make your world what it is. You're a bigger role in this world than you know maybe you weren't the first person here maybe you didn't create the world but you are the creator of your world. Make life what you want it to be. Don't be afraid to live. Surround yourself with love and light and beauty and all things in the world that make you feel like more make you feel love make you feel alive make you feel like you are not alone. Because you're not alone. God is in you God is present You are God. hmm I don't even know if this makes any sense at all...
God I need to practice what I preach...

What I really meant to say... (what's playing on repeat in my mind)

Losing a whole year Losing a whole year I remember you and me used to spend The whole goddamned day in bed Losing a whole year Hiding in your room we'd lay like dogs And the phone would ring like a joke that's left unsaid Losing a whole year Rich daddy left you with a parachute Your voice sounds like money and your face is cute But your daddy left you with no love And you touch everything with a velvet glove now you want to try a life of sin You want to be down with the down and in Always copping my truths I kind of get the feeling like I'm being used
When I came to visit you That's when I knew That I could never have you I knew that before you did Still I'm the one who's stupid And there's this burning Like there's always been I've never been so alone And I've never been so alive
I never felt alone Till I met you And I’m alright on my own And then I met you And I’d know what to do if I just knew what’s coming
I saw you go Faster Right in front of me She stares at him so madly She's got the nerve to say She wants to fuck that boy so badly I saw you go Faster I want to get off one time and not apologize You got a steal the time of a life that's passing by I want to get off one time and look you in the eyes I want to get off one time, get off one time
I was hoping you would be waiting there for me lately I was hoping you would be waiting there for me But you're not the kind who would be waiting, not for anybody You're not the kind who would be waiting there for anybodynot even me
Hey will you stay awhile My smile will not mislead you Cause I've been alone And my faith turned to stone Still there's something in you I believe in Close to your peersI go wild and fierce Still I let you be I feel you next to me Cause inside I feel A wind that starts to blow I'm taken in your undertow Everything is fine...But I'm lonely all the time
All I want to do is be there For the things that you're going through Is it good for you, is it good for you You haunt my nights whenI don't know where my life should go Is it good for you, is it good for you
Suckers lose themselves in the games they learn to play Children love to sing but then their voices Slowly fade away People always take a step away From what is true That's why I like you around I want you Yeah you do You make me want you
And there's a demon in my head who starts to play A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday And I hold my breath till it's more than I can take And I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake
And feel you, I do And I want this but I can't break through And your burning lights red and blue Everyone is so self-righteous Where have you sinners gone All you sinners And we're all alone What's ours is ours And outside rain It's just a shower And then I feel you breathe And I let go of the hours And I feel your skin And I let you in And that's my dream Again and again I feel the hours Sliding byEveryone is so self-righteous Lift your head again and try this Do you want this, in you You're the only thing that's real And we don't need to beg or steal
I believe in the sand beneath my toes The beach gives a feeling;an earthy feeling I believe in the faith that grows And the four right chords can make me cry When I'm with you I feel like I could die And that would be all right, all right
'Cause I felt you long after we were through When you come swimming into view And I'm hanging on your words Like I always used to do The words they use so lightly I only feel for you I only know because I'm way, I'm way In the background I'm in the background
The guy who put his hands on you Has got nothing to do with me, And the bruises that you feel will heal, And I hope you'll come around cause we're missing you And you used to speak so easy, Now you're afraid to talk to me It's like walking with the wounded Carrying that weight way too far Concrete pulled you down so hard Out there with the wounded We're missing you Well I never claimed to understand what happens after dark But my fingers catch the spark at the thought of Touching you When you're wounded
You're an angel in the pit with her hands in the air,and we're missing you Now it's fall and your shoulders get tighter,Nervous flicks on your lighter, boots Your pissed off poets, your women's groups And the friends with you we should've known this fool, well i guess we missed the mark Still my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of Them touching you And I go wounded
And in this beauty i would not go any further'Cuz i suddenly rembered We can't live this way forever Idle daylight I've never caught you in a lie not until now i feel somehow i felt the passing of these days gone by what will you do when the feeling that you have is through i need to know 'cuz i'll never stop hanging on to you and it's times like this that i dread when there's everything to say and nothing left to be said to be said and it makes me sad...

This is my mind... like a third eye blind album constantly playing on repeat... sometimes I can't breathe, sometimes I can't sleep but this is where I hide. Can you find me?

You might find this amusing...

Or maybe not... We'll see. I think it's pretty awesome what an hour and severe boredom can do. I'm impressed. haha. I think this could be an interesting project to see who is a real friend and who isn't. If you have no clue what I'm talking about it doesn't matter. I know what I'm talking about and I can't wait to see results. If you were smart you wouldn't tell people it's not you. That way you would find out who's really been listening to you and who hasn't. Sometimes silence is golden. Just my opinion. If you want the link all you need do is ask.
so yeah I've had an interesting three days and I'm pretty dazed and confused and all that good nonsense.
I sang karaoke again the two people I hold in the most high esteem were there. It was nice to spend time with Jesus and one. It was nice to drink haven't done that in a while. Some moments are a blur but hey atleast I was behaved (I think) I'm kidding I remember everthing for the most part. hmm some things will be written in the xanga.
So things are odd. I'm at this crossroad in my life (atleast I consider it a crossroad) Where I'm trying to grow up. Trying to be my own person instead of the person I was brainwashed from the start to be. Trying to decide what I believe is right and wrong. Trying to make up my mind myself. It's strange and I feel awkward.
anyways hopefully I will be out of this stage soon and back to me... goodnight...
Oh yeah ONE (that means you) I hope you take this as a light hearted joke. Nothing personal I just thought it would be funny then I thought it would be more funny to see who actually tries to add you just wanted to see which of your "friends" actually pay attention. I don't know you as well as some of them and you've made it abundantly clear your hate for MYSPACE du du dummmmm. anyways we'll see. be good. oh yeah ... I ____ you. but you already knew that.

The Truth I couldn't say to your face...

Okay so here goes...
I trust you, with my life as a matter of fact. I feel completely at ease and safe around you. However I haven't felt that comfortable in a while and the last time I did it back fired. I don't want to go into details but it has nothing to do with you. I got physically and emotionally hurt. I've got to let go. It wasn't your fault. You weren't even involved. I've got to learn that. I've got to learn to let go. I need your help. I can't break free on my own. I think that's one of the reasons I met you to help break me free. Help me...
Another issue if you're interested is that I was taught that pre-marital sex is wrong bottom line. Do I believe that today? No. But I still have convictions with it I'm trying to let go. I wanted more. I didn't want you to stop. I'm just at war with myself part of me holding on part of me wanting to let go. You are going to win me over I assure you. I want to let go. God I want to let go. I just want to live in the moment. I want to live so bad.
I also am afraid it would have been a one time deal which is the last thing I want. My God a glimmer of your potential and I'm shaken I know had there been more I would have wanted more. Is that something you're whiling to give? I don't know. Am I worth the effort? I don't know. Will I get the chance to try that again? I don't know, but God I hope so.
What I do know is that when I figure out what I want you are at the top of my list. You can hold your breath because I don't think it's going to take much longer.
Just a little time that's all I'm asking for. Eh... I'm going to bed... Thank you for everything and everything to come... xx
You pretty much rock.

Remember...

Things happen for a reason. The loss of life is never a joyful event but it is inevitable. Whether a man kills his wife and then himself or an unimaginable planned accident takes place. It doesn't matter if 3,000 die or just one dies. What you should be remembering instead is that life is short, life is frail, life isn't promised, life is a gift. If you have your life think not about the deaths of others which you have no control to change think instead of living if not for yourself then for the people who no longer can. With every breath imagine if it was your last. With every kiss imagine it was your last. Was it what you envisioned? Is it how you imagined your last to be? Life is beautiful don't linger so long in the past that you let it pass you by.
Remember to live...

Now I'm the one dazed and confused...

It's odd. I feel like I'm losing touch. Not that I had the touch to begin with. Not that I knew you to begin with. All I know of you is words. Beautiful words but just words none the less. I don't know you anymore than the day I met you. I want to. God I want to know what goes through that mind of yours when you're sitting in a crowd yet you still look completely isolated. Do those people know you? Do they even care to know more than you're whiling to give? Are they content with the glimmers of you they see from time to time? Is that the real you? Somehow I think there's more to it than meets the eye. Which keeps my interest. You're mind has to be like a play ground during recess. Millions of things going on all at one. Laughter, beauty, wonder, everything so fresh so new so fun. Maybe I'm completely wrong maybe it's more like a graveyard in the dead of night. Peaceful, calm, silent. Maybe it's both. I want to know. What's it like being you?
also a response... God is there when our children open their eyes and breathe their first breath. God is there in the music you play so effortlessly. God is there in the sunlight that hits your face like a warm kiss on a cold night. God is there in the silence of night. God is there in the sunrise and the sunset. My point is good or bad the point is God is there... I have to believe there's is more to life than evolving to death. No I don't believe in living this life carefully and the way a man written book tells me to behave. I believe in living everyday as if it were your last but I also believe there is more to life than this. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong it doesn't change anything.
I don't know what's going on with you lately. I wish I did. But I don't know you. I wish we talked more. Maybe it's one sided but I'm used to that. I'm used to caring for people more than they care for me. Used to loving unconditionally. Loving people I barely know, and yes I love you. I don't care if you believe me or not because it doesn't change anything. I'm still here. You're still there. My little world. Your bigger world. Very different but more the same than you can know.
Also I know I said I love him more than he loves me and he didn't know how to respond to it. He didn't have to. It's not going to change the way I feel. UNCONDITIONAL... I don't put conditions on my love and once you have it you've got it.
You've got it as well...
This post is random, I know but once again this is for my benefit. Sometimes the only person listening to me is me and I want to remember how I was feeling years from now so I write it down and recall it later. I don't want to forget another day ever again. I've forgotten too much already... That's all I have to tell you....
that's all I have to say...
are you listening?

I'm afraid...

that's the real issue here. I am scared. I have a paralyzing fear that keeps me from doing things I really want to do. Like with karaoke for example. I was afraid. I am afraid of failure. So scared that I would rather not try at all. So scared of what people think. Not all people just the ones that I hold on pedestals. Maybe they shouldn't be up there maybe they're just like me but I put them up there and now I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid they're going to see me for what I really am. I pretend to be so strong so brave so fearless but inside I'm a scared little girl. I'm sitting in the corner my hands folded in my lap eyes to the floor afraid to make my move. Why? WHY? When did I forget how to play? How to live? I act like I don't give a shit what people think. I don't care what 99% of people think but it's different with you. It's different with things I'm passionate about. Sometimes with things like that, I care to much. I can't just let go. There are other issues here and I can't believe they're issues at all. I feel wrong just feeling this way. I'm incoherent right now...
What's wrong with me? What am I talking about? I know what I'm talking about I'm just having a hard time putting everything I want to say in plain text. Lines and Lines of words can't come close to everything I'm trying to express everything on my mind.
And also as wrong as this is... It bothered me seeing him with her. It bothered me not for the reason you may think. Not because I wish I were her. I'm not that selfish. I just wish he were happy. He looked miserable and it rubbed me the wrong way. He shouldn't have to live his life like that. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he is happy but if that's what happiness looks like I think he is missing out. I think he really doesn't know what happiness is with that expression on his face. Maybe he's so used to settling maybe he's so used to just taking what life hands him that he's become content with his misery. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. He didn't smile the entire time he was with her and that scares me... I'm sure I'm reading too much into this but I don't think he deserves to live his life one moment unhappy. I don't think he deserves to settle. He deserves so much more than I think he's used to. I just wish he could see that. I want him to be happy.... There's nothing more I can say.
this is the most random, incoherent post I've ever written but I know what I'm trying to say and I know what I mean and I wrote this for myself so... My simple words don't do it justice. They don't do him justice...xx
to be continued...

God...

are you listening? I know we haven't talked in a good while. Are you still there? Look I know it's been awhile and I don't want it to seem like I only come to you when I need something because that's not the case at all but I have a request. Hear me out on this one because I'm sure just looking at the situation you're like "oh God here we go again." It's not like that at all. You know my heart and you know what I'm going to say but I'm going to say it anyways.
You know what's been going on lately. Well, here's my request. It's not even for myself it's for someone else.
God, I want him to be happy. That's it. Happy. Even if it's not with me. I'm okay with that believe me. I just want him to have the best life possible. I want him to be so happy he doesn't know what to do with himself. I want his life from this point to be effortless and carefree. I want him to not have a worry in the world. I want him to never feel like the weight of the world is on his shoulders again. I want him to feel loved everyday of his life. I want him to feel like he means something in this world and that people are glad to have him in their lives. I want him to feel like he's here for a reason. I want him to feel his life has purpose. I want him to never have to struggle a day in his life again. I want him to have more than he needs. I don't want him to just get by. I want him to be able to have anything in this world he wants. I want him to have everything good this world has to offer. I want him to enjoy life to the fullest everyday from the moment he wakes until the moment he goes to sleep. I want his dreams to be nothing compared to his real life. I want him to smile everyday of his life. I never want to see him in pain. I never want him to be hurt or feel anything associated with pain in general. I want you to protect him and keep him safe from those feelings. I want him to live a long life. A long life full of things people only dream of. I want him.... To be happy.
I know this is asking a lot but I'd do almost anything to never see him in pain. You know I'm good to my word. I truly believe he's a good guy and I believe he deserves it.
Anyways that's my request. I know there's bigger things, more important things out there but this is important to me. I know you hear me. I know you're there. I just hope you're listening...xx

I'm so sick...

The world is insane. Yesterday we went to lowes. It was a normal day we went in got what we needed and left. We went up to Wal-Mart and we hadn't been there 30 minutes when a man and woman came in and said that someone has fired shots in Lowes. I instantly freaked out we had just left Lowes chances are we saw the guy who did it. It was a man he came in there and shot his wife and then himself, leaving two kids at home. This is tragic, love makes you do tragic things. Apparently they had been separated for just 4 weeks. Such a beautiful day and to think shit like that happens everyday. I'm going to change this world I swear. I love people and I never want things like this to happen. I want to help them which is why I changed my major to psychology. I'm not saying I'm going to be able to save everyone. I'm just saying if I can save one person from a tragic end like that then I've done my job. It's such a shame that people take life so carelessly like you can go out and buy another one. I don't think people really grasp the reality of the situation. That woman will never hug her kids again that man will never have a chance to reconcile his relationship with her. They are gone. Their lives are over. The End. God if I could have jumped in front of those bullets, or stopped it in some other way I swear I would have. I'm not saying my life is not important but she had two kids who now have no mother or father and that's what is really tragic. I don't know...
People will move on and I'm sure it's already forgotten but those kids will never be able to forget this. Maybe they're too young to know but they are going to know they don't have a mother. Tragic... I wish this could have been prevented.
That's all I have to say... I just hope oneday I can help people who are so desperate that they think death is there only way out. I hope I can help them realize there is so much more to life than this... Because there is...

Ha Ha HaHa Ha Ha...

Met a new friend yet another Josh to the list. He hangs out at Buffington's he's a chef. What won me over about him. He loves cloves. Most people can't handle them it seems. I should quit I probably won't.
Sometimes being a grown up isn't all it's cracked up to be... But I did end up having an amazing night even with the lack of Jesus (who I miss dearly) TWO makes is so easy to go to work. I swear if he leaves I don't know how I'm going to drag myself in there. Time just goes by faster with him around. He's really a life saver some nights. He calms me down when I'm pissed, cheers me up when I'm upset, and is constantly making me laugh. Geeze I really don't know what I would do without him. My job would be just that a job. I know it's only a matter of time before he quits so I'm taking each moment as if it's my last with him (I do that with you to) I like living in the moment as if there are going to be no other moments after. I hope this is going to be a lasting friendship. I really do.
Also I've found it's a lot easier to just talk to random people than it used to be. Say with josh for example or Michael or any of those "kids" I really feel like I've broken out of my shell and it's nice. I love messing with that Michael kid. He's straight out of highschool so it's easy to.
Yeah I'm living my life for moments of happiness. I like being happy. I like this world and all the random people in it. I want to meet them all. The good and the bad. I want to enlarge my tight circle of friends and I'm working on it one josh and James at a time,
So yeah the PARTY is going to happen soon. I can't wait. Oh and don't get me started on Halloween. I love it. I'm going as Jessica RAbbit this year. Which means I have to dye my hair back red. I miss red hair so it's not a big deal. Jessica Rabbit is one of my idols as crazy as it sounds. I grew up on who framed Roger Rabbit.
so yeah nothing else going on. I'm truly sorry I had to do the grown up thing instead of hang with you. Had I not had responsibilities and obligations I would have told that job to kiss my ass. But it seems like you managed...
oh yeah forgot to mention Ben. That kid is awesome he shot up my cool people list without blinking. I love meeting people I can connect with in this world. I'm tired of it being a world of strangers...