So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song blood on my hands to stay strong

You still can't make me cry
you've pinned this butterfly down
My fire's burning out
kill my flame without a frown
And starving hurts the soul
when you're hungry for
some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly above and..

Tell me this will end soon. Tell me I'll move on. Tell me there's a place I can call home. A place I belong. A place full of infinite freedom. A place that makes all the pain I'm feeling now worth it. Tell me there's hope for me... They say pain lets you know you're alive. Well if that's true I am very alive, more alive than I've ever been in my life. I hate feeling like this. Were the good times worth it? Were the little moments I felt worth this? Is he worth this? Does he care? I'm still not sure... All I know is that I feel like an idiot. God I feel so compromised. So not myself. I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror. I am everything I never thought I would be and that scares the shit out of me, that some man can have so much control over me. That I can completely change the person I was for someone other than myself. I thought I was strong with who I was, what I believed in but it turns out I'm as weak as everyone else. Well, not anymore. I'm going back to the way I was. I'm done being someone I'm not. Falling in love with him made me slowly start to hate the person I was becoming. I'm not that person. I can't be that person. So I'm not going to. I'm done. I'm out. I'm going back to being me not some compromised contradiction shadow of myself. I am strong. I am worthy. I deserve better.
He's talking to me again. I don't know how I feel about it. I want to be friends but I want him to realize he can't fuck with my emotions anymore. If he doesn't care then just come out and say it. I'll live... really...
This is my fault and now I'm going to fix it... I should have known better... stupid girl...xx