This is why I can't give up without a fight May 2007

I'm finally finished with my work long enough to sit down and write you. This is by far the strangest relationship I have ever been in. Not nessicarily a bad thing but I feel it needs to be noted. I always knew you were one of those special people. One of those people who has the ability to turn another person's world upside down. I never thought it would be me. You are one of my favorite people if not my favorite. You have a room, not just a place, but a whole room that is just for you in my heart. There are only 3 other people who have one of those. You have decorated it and put sheets on the bed, even a little teddy bear in the middle. I have to thank you. For being that person who listened when no one else would, for making me speak when I didn't know how. You listened to my petty problems and didn't judge me. You showed sincere concern for my feelings. Not only that but you enjoyed the company I gave. That surprises me the most. You wanted more than just my problems, you wanted to dig deeper, listen to my heart, bathe in the waters of my soul, feel and expirience my hopes, my dreams, the things that made me shiver late at night, you wanted to share in my triumphs, feel my disires. No subject was candid. While this was going on. I did the same, I entered your castle of walls and booby traps that lead to your heart. I asked questions and explored those things you said and refused to say but leaked through anyways. I never in my wildest dreams thought it would come to this. What are we? More than friends, but not in a relationship either. Let me tell you somethings you may not have known about me. I knew what love was when I was young. I knew and understood, that it was mysterious, and rare. I knew it made some fly and flung some into dispair. I understood that no matter what you did it was there, unconditional. I didn't understand how so many people believed it was love that they were feeling. I promised not to be like them. To wait for true love, the love of fantasy and legends. And I have tried, and succeeded in some ways. Whether they felt the same...I doubt it. No one is still here are they. But I loved them harder than steel. Unfortunately, I have had to build walls, gates, puzzles, keys, mazes, riddles and more to guard my heart against people who didn't have my best intentions at heart. I have saw and expirienced the heart ache it causes and never want to go through that. Yet it seems that every way I have learned it, it has snuck around and said 'hey I can do this too', For example, falling in love with two people at once. I think I know how you got in. Besides the fact you suffer from the awesomeness. By trying to make you fall in love with me, I let you into places you didn't try to get into. By gaining your keys and solving your puzzles you skipped some of mine. I have no doubt you could have done it. It would have been neat to see how though. I am all in Britt, I am not going to keep anything from happening, from this point forward, I'm all in. I just was trying to tell you, I am falling in love, I can't stop it, It's wonderful, and I'm so glad it's you. If it's too soon sorry. These aren't things you can control, you know when you are around someone like you, hauh what do you expect. I was overwhelmed. My dreams the other night made me realize where you are. I am falling from a cliff, and no parachute to help save. I do it with grace and pride though, because it is a girl who acctually deserves my love and will love me back in all the right ways. There are still things that I need to see and hear from you. I refuse to tell you what they are. I will say that it's very simple. No restraints, no regrets, no stopping, I'm locked into this roller coaster with no disire to get off. I'm scared of all the things that could happen. Please if you decide you don't want this or it's too crazy or for what ever reason, let me go. It'll hurt but I would rather you do that than mess up our friend ship. But I am me, I am everything you see and hear. The deepest seas of thought to the highest clouds of emotion. I have never been the first to fall. So congrats. So much more to say but I don't know how. Let this suffice for now.Love Always and Forever,~Joshua Taylor

...xx

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Currently ListeningLife on Life's TermsBy Bedlight for Blue Eyessee related
It's been awhile but i think it's time to resurrect this graveyard of words... life has been chaotic... as cliche' as it is it's been like a roller coaster... just up and down up and down upside downs blinding colors and lights... everything was starting to calm down i think i'm finally off the ride when my foundation gets rooted up yet again... i'm not going into details... but i thought i had lost my best friend to some nobody... i was hurt said things i didn't mean said many things i did mean... and... pushed away one of the best things that has ever happened in my life because i was hurting... still hurting... i know she is too and i hate that most of all... i didn't mean to hurt her but i just felt like my spirit was dying i felt like i was killing hers too... we had been fighting or bickering frequently and then when i did get to see her alone we sat in silence because i've honestly forgotten how to talk to her... i felt so distant from her even when she was right there... that's nothing like our friendship at all i've always been able to talk to her but now i find myself sugar coating things or not saying what i really mean or not saying anything at all... it's frustrating not feeling like you can talk to one of the only people who's been there to listen in so long... and i know a lot of it is my fault but a lot of it is this little shit "boyfriend" she has... you know i thought he was a great guy... but the more i know him the more i find out the more i realize he's just a little boy who needs a lot of growing up to do... and i think she's way too good for him... he's a little dip shit nobody... he lacks intelligence and ambitions... yeah he's in the military but i think it's a cop out because he has no real aspirations in life... i've lost all respect for him and i can't been around him... i didn't think it was fair to say "hey he's not allowed at our house" so i did ask that she start moving her things out of the house... yeah it was rash... but like i said a lot happened and i was hurt... we all make mistakes... she and i had actually been talking about her moving out for like a month now because we've just been too close i guess and we both agreed it would help salvage our friendship if she got her own place... if he makes her happy you know that's what i want for her she does deserve it... but secretly i believe she'll wake up next to him one day and be like wooh this isn't what i want at all... he's not all bad but like i said he's not good enough for her... i think she'll always wonder "what if" i don't know i'm rambling and this is a pretty long come back... i miss her you know... i wake up and i can't walk in the other room and she be there... i haven't talked to her in so long... and it's everything i can do to get out of bed because i miss her so fucking much... it's like losing a sister... we're trying to mend... i pray we do... i love her like she was my sister... i hope i made the right choice as rash as it was...
anyways in other news... taylor and i are repaired i think... and i think we're going to be okay... he's supposed to be moving to milledgeville... hmm... we'll see... i get so confused sometimes about everything... but i do know i love him and he does make me so happy when i'm with him... i just wish i knew for certain that this is right... i feel like it is... but i've been wrong before... i have no faith in myself or my judgement anymore... and i don't know how to fix it... god everything is so hard right now i just wish i could breathe... i just wish i could think... one more week of school then maybe i can sit down and think things out... i only have one more quarter then it's one to a bigger fish tank... i'm terrified of what's out there but i'm also excited... i want to go to SCAD so freaking bad i can taste it... taste like being punched in the mouth currently... it's so expensive and i don't want to be just another pretentious art brat... i want to make something for myself... i want to be a writer a photographer a journalist... but at the same time i want to help as many people as i can before i die... i guess i never knew i wanted to save the world until someone taught me it was worth saving... i hope she remembers that... my mind is so full i can't think straight... eh... that's all i can get out for today... always choose love hate will get you in the end...xx

just dandy and you?

So things have changed a lot in this month alone maybe for the better maybe for the worst. MaKenzie and I have parted ways after nearly two years. I haven't talked to her in around 5 days... it's very odd... not talking to your best friend... in days... some many people are mad at me... including her ex and her recent boyfriend... who by the way is a serious douche bag... he had the nerve to call me a drug addict when I've rarely seen a day when he doesn't smoke pot... she's too good for him i just wish she saw it... she's way smarter than he could ever hope to be... i don't know why she's with him or why it feels like she's choosing a month relationship over a nearly three year relationship... i don't know... i hate this i hate not being able to talk to her... (because her parents came down and got her phone car and computer)(and she doesn't live with me as of this weekend)...
other than that I'm almost done with school only one quarter left and Taylor is moving in... so many things going on...