I'm so broken I don't think I'm fixable anymore and I don't know if I could ever burden someone to help fix me when I can't even fix myself.
I can't call him because he deserves better than I can offer. He knows it and I know it. I can't talk to C.A. because he deserves better. I am not worth anything especially to either of them. I'm not even worth these words I'm writing now. I have nothing to offer anyone. Nothing.
I should go ahead and prepare myself for a long life alone. I guess it's good I like being alone because that's how I'm going to end up.
God I hate myself so much. I hate what I see in the mirror everyday. I hate the mistakes I've made. I could have gotten the hell out of this town and actually been something if I hadn't fucked up so much. Why do I continue to fuck everything up.
I'm going to be just like my dad if something doesn't change soon. I would rather be anything but him. I just feel like if I were given more of a chance I wouldn't be where I am today.
And the smallest thing has spurred these emotions. I hate that I'm so fucking emotional. Just suck it up and force it all back inside you cry baby your problems are no worse than anyone else's so stop being a whinny bitch. Just keep it inside it's worked so far. Wear a smile on the outside and be dying slowly on the inside. Tell everyone you're fine when you're scared as hell about everything from talking to him to deciding what you want to do with your life.
I'm broken but nothing can take my hope that things can't possible get worse and my faith that God does not give us more than we can handle.
I know this is random as hell but it's a combination of a stupid fucking song and feelings of unworthiness based on several reasons.
I hate feeling this way but I know it will pass and I'll go back to being numb. I guess I needed a cry... I'm such an idiot to let myself get worked up over nothing... I hate being a girl sometimes... boys don't go through this shit why should I?
xx ~the more I try to feel the less I'm home...
P.S.if the situation were hopeless you'd tell me right?
Friday, May 26, 2006
Sometimes I wish...
okay I am in no way a racist person my momma taught me to see souls not something as trivial as the color of skin. but apparently I'm one of the select few that feels this way. there are a lot and I mean a lot of racist people out there and I don't mean just white oh no all races, and I've learned this the hard way and honestly my soul and my heart are both dissapointed and I've lost a little trust (not that I had a lot to begin with) you know you bust your but for people and help people out and you think that they are your friends but in the end you realize they've been screwing you over for no ligit. reason. the only reason I can think of is the color of my skin and it's a shame that people that were once persecuted for the color of their skin can in turn persecute innoccent people. maybe I'm taking this too hard but I had really come to like and trust these people and I feel like that bond is broken. I feel like they were only being nice to me because they needed me and now that they don't need me the friendship is over. This isn't based on just one event it would be stupid to bitch over one thing, this has been many things that have been building up. I just feel unjustly treated but all I have to say to that is that KARMA will come back around. if you don't get it in this life you'll pay for it somehow because GOD is a loving GOD and I don't think he will tolerate racism in heaven. so keep talking and keep being RACIST because you'll get yours in the end. Just know that my trust is broken as well as my friendship and we'll see how much socializing I do with you now. I had almost began to have faith in people thanks for proving that there are still people keeping racism alive.
You know I would think this group of "minorities" who "knows what persecution is like" (which i highly doubt) would be different instead of being hypocrites and making people like myself who aren't racist start to feel a little racist. it's a conditional racist mind you. sometimes I wish you'd just shut your mouth because sometimes you are the instigators and you keep the racism alive. GROW UP. we are not in the segerated times you need to learn that we are all people. the only difference is our skin tone. that's it people. we are all different shades of the same race called human. I hope oneday you look back and realize that you've all been idiots to judge someone by the color of their skin. skin which can be changed into many different colors skin color is only a minor detail it doesn't make a person it doesn't change their soul. just GROW UP. you're not the minority anymore stop playing the victim of a past that doesn't even belong to you.
yes some maybe thinking you're white what do you know about racism. if you're really so ignorrant that I need to answer that then ask me and I'll explain in greater detail, if I feel like it because frankly it's none of your buisness anyways.
people just need to stop judging based on skin color. I didn't choose to be white as much as you didn't choose to be your skin color. I'm the color God intended me to be so SHUT UP and once again GROW UP. we're not twelve people. we're adults and it's time we started acting like it and sharing some mutual respect for everyone.
I've said my peace, Life's too short to see anything but the future. I think some people got lost along the way and forgot what's really important.
xx
You know I would think this group of "minorities" who "knows what persecution is like" (which i highly doubt) would be different instead of being hypocrites and making people like myself who aren't racist start to feel a little racist. it's a conditional racist mind you. sometimes I wish you'd just shut your mouth because sometimes you are the instigators and you keep the racism alive. GROW UP. we are not in the segerated times you need to learn that we are all people. the only difference is our skin tone. that's it people. we are all different shades of the same race called human. I hope oneday you look back and realize that you've all been idiots to judge someone by the color of their skin. skin which can be changed into many different colors skin color is only a minor detail it doesn't make a person it doesn't change their soul. just GROW UP. you're not the minority anymore stop playing the victim of a past that doesn't even belong to you.
yes some maybe thinking you're white what do you know about racism. if you're really so ignorrant that I need to answer that then ask me and I'll explain in greater detail, if I feel like it because frankly it's none of your buisness anyways.
people just need to stop judging based on skin color. I didn't choose to be white as much as you didn't choose to be your skin color. I'm the color God intended me to be so SHUT UP and once again GROW UP. we're not twelve people. we're adults and it's time we started acting like it and sharing some mutual respect for everyone.
I've said my peace, Life's too short to see anything but the future. I think some people got lost along the way and forgot what's really important.
xx
Sunday, May 14, 2006
For the truest friend I've ever known...
First off HAPPY DAY to the women for which all that live are here. You truly are amazing and I look up to every Mom that created every child today.
Anyways this is dedicated to my best friend. I know it sounds cliche' but she is my best friend in the sense that I have never had a friend like her. We've known each other such a short while and I feel a bond with her much like my god sister I grew up with. I don't know if you've met her but she just grows on you.
Anyways Beth I'd like to take a moment to be your mirror since you've been kinda of down on yourself and I'm sure you feel like you don't have much of a support system but this is what I see when I look at you.
You joy and light. There is a light that surrounds your very presence it's one of those natural lights people would kill to have. You make the atmosphere in any room instantly become light and breezy. It's like a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a closet. You make all the negativity disappear and it's replaced with goodness and a complete feeling of comfort. I am at ease around you and feel free to be myself.
I see beauty. So much beauty. It's not a bam she's hot beauty. It's a quiet beauty that takes you by surprise and makes you take a second look. It's a beauty that goes deeper than skin deeper than bones it's from a hidden place in your souls but you can see it shine through your amazing eyes. You maybe short but this beauty shines so tall people still stop and notice.
I see determination and perseverance. I see a drive in you to be something more than you are or have been. You are going to grow into everything you dream because of this. You have been through so much and still you remain optimistic and light hearted. You have the optimism of a child but at the same time You are in total control of yourself and who you are.
I see freedom. A freedom I only wish I could have. You are you. You are the you you were 10 years ago though wiser you know who you are and what you stand for and believe in.
I see loyalty and devotion towards your family and friends.
I see understanding. Your eyes could best be described as understanding you listen you hear you take everything in and you don't judge you understand. I feel like I could tell you anything I feel like you would hold my secrets like they were your own. I thought at first you were a talker but your ability to speak your mind is only outweighed by how well you hear what people have to say.
I see personality and a sense of humor that demands attention. You have enough to give every dreary dull person some and them some to spare. You are a ball of personality and laughs combined. I don't think anyone would have a hard time getting along with you or laughing with you.
I see strength. I see so much strength and power and ability to do great things. You are so strong and even though I don't know if you could physically kick someones ass you make up for that in effort. I feel completely safe with you because I know you could handle anything thrown at you. You're smart so smart You can adapt to anything and you're good at it.
I see friendship not the onesided "oh she's my best friend I know nothing about her" friendship. But the true friendship where I honestly feel like you could be my sister. It's a bond that I hope doesn't become tainted with time because I feel like I could tell you anything and you'd be on my side no matter what. You are my best friend I don't think I can stress that enough. And anyone with you in there life should thank their lucky stars because you are amazing on so many levels and I don't think you hear it enough. You were put here for a reason and you are going to do great things and touch so many peoples lives just as long as you don't let that light you posses go out. You're such a great person and if I were you I would look in the mirror everyday and smile because I knew how great a friend sister and person I was.
I am thankful everyday that I met and thankful for everyday we talk. Even when we argue it's better having you in my life and arguing that not having you in my life. You have helped me more than you will probably ever know and though this may sound uber emo sappy and you may not believe it I think God put you in my life because he knew I needed a real friend.
I never had a real sister but if I had I'd wish that she were just like you. Tabby is so lucky to have an older sister like you to look up too (if you were standing on a stool because I'm sure she's taller than you ;) I can't think of a better role model for what getting through real life and doing a damn good job is like than you.
I want you to stick around in my life I want my kids will call you Aunt Beth and I hope that they will know you like I know you and love you like I do. I hope we are still friends more than anything and more than that I hope you realize just how many people you've touched and just how amazing you are.
You're awesome girl and I look up to you so much. I want to be just like you oneday because you're one in million.
I hope you realize it soon. Thank you for being here for me from the first day I met you. You're the perfect example of what a true friend should be and I love you like a sister. So cheer up before people start to think my emoness has rubbed off on you. Smile and have a great day. XO
Anyways this is dedicated to my best friend. I know it sounds cliche' but she is my best friend in the sense that I have never had a friend like her. We've known each other such a short while and I feel a bond with her much like my god sister I grew up with. I don't know if you've met her but she just grows on you.
Anyways Beth I'd like to take a moment to be your mirror since you've been kinda of down on yourself and I'm sure you feel like you don't have much of a support system but this is what I see when I look at you.
You joy and light. There is a light that surrounds your very presence it's one of those natural lights people would kill to have. You make the atmosphere in any room instantly become light and breezy. It's like a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a closet. You make all the negativity disappear and it's replaced with goodness and a complete feeling of comfort. I am at ease around you and feel free to be myself.
I see beauty. So much beauty. It's not a bam she's hot beauty. It's a quiet beauty that takes you by surprise and makes you take a second look. It's a beauty that goes deeper than skin deeper than bones it's from a hidden place in your souls but you can see it shine through your amazing eyes. You maybe short but this beauty shines so tall people still stop and notice.
I see determination and perseverance. I see a drive in you to be something more than you are or have been. You are going to grow into everything you dream because of this. You have been through so much and still you remain optimistic and light hearted. You have the optimism of a child but at the same time You are in total control of yourself and who you are.
I see freedom. A freedom I only wish I could have. You are you. You are the you you were 10 years ago though wiser you know who you are and what you stand for and believe in.
I see loyalty and devotion towards your family and friends.
I see understanding. Your eyes could best be described as understanding you listen you hear you take everything in and you don't judge you understand. I feel like I could tell you anything I feel like you would hold my secrets like they were your own. I thought at first you were a talker but your ability to speak your mind is only outweighed by how well you hear what people have to say.
I see personality and a sense of humor that demands attention. You have enough to give every dreary dull person some and them some to spare. You are a ball of personality and laughs combined. I don't think anyone would have a hard time getting along with you or laughing with you.
I see strength. I see so much strength and power and ability to do great things. You are so strong and even though I don't know if you could physically kick someones ass you make up for that in effort. I feel completely safe with you because I know you could handle anything thrown at you. You're smart so smart You can adapt to anything and you're good at it.
I see friendship not the onesided "oh she's my best friend I know nothing about her" friendship. But the true friendship where I honestly feel like you could be my sister. It's a bond that I hope doesn't become tainted with time because I feel like I could tell you anything and you'd be on my side no matter what. You are my best friend I don't think I can stress that enough. And anyone with you in there life should thank their lucky stars because you are amazing on so many levels and I don't think you hear it enough. You were put here for a reason and you are going to do great things and touch so many peoples lives just as long as you don't let that light you posses go out. You're such a great person and if I were you I would look in the mirror everyday and smile because I knew how great a friend sister and person I was.
I am thankful everyday that I met and thankful for everyday we talk. Even when we argue it's better having you in my life and arguing that not having you in my life. You have helped me more than you will probably ever know and though this may sound uber emo sappy and you may not believe it I think God put you in my life because he knew I needed a real friend.
I never had a real sister but if I had I'd wish that she were just like you. Tabby is so lucky to have an older sister like you to look up too (if you were standing on a stool because I'm sure she's taller than you ;) I can't think of a better role model for what getting through real life and doing a damn good job is like than you.
I want you to stick around in my life I want my kids will call you Aunt Beth and I hope that they will know you like I know you and love you like I do. I hope we are still friends more than anything and more than that I hope you realize just how many people you've touched and just how amazing you are.
You're awesome girl and I look up to you so much. I want to be just like you oneday because you're one in million.
I hope you realize it soon. Thank you for being here for me from the first day I met you. You're the perfect example of what a true friend should be and I love you like a sister. So cheer up before people start to think my emoness has rubbed off on you. Smile and have a great day. XO
Monday, May 01, 2006
Life is Crazy...
I'm stressed way beyond my limits now. How do I know you maybe asking. I've started smoking I've stopped eating and I sleep all the time when I'm not working. I'm so tired of this bullshit and the company that I work for. I know I've been saying I've got to find another job for months now but I think I've finally had enough. There's just so far you can push someone and if things don't change soon, I'm giving up. I'm so tired of shady people and I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of working my ass off to make people in higher places look good when they're not offering any help. (because we're short on people) grrr I just want to scream. oneday oneday I'll be free oneday I'll sleep like a normal person and have a normal job. or atleast a job I somewhat like. this job didn't start out bad it's just gotten that way over the past few months. I don't know what to do. sigh... I just don't know if I'm strong enough to put up with this bs much longer. I swear if I didn't have bills it would already be over and I'd be happy again. I'm starting to question why I moved out in the first place. I want to be a grown up but it's not what it's cracked up to be and moving out on your own isn't a joyride either. anyways atleast tonights my friday and I'm off the next two days. XO
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