What are blogs?

They're supposed to be a journal, but anyone can read them so I think I'm subconsciously not saying what's really going on. Just in case someone I know stumbles upon it. You know what I honestly don't care. I'm just going to say anything that's on my mind.
I saw RENT today. I don't mean to use an overplayed word to describe it but it was amazing. It's got to be one of the best movies I've seen in along time. (This coming from someone who also loves a wide array of movies. In other words you must see it to make your own opinion. Which I hope you would do anyways.) I cried the last hour of the movie atleast it was a beautiful film with equally beautiful people. This film gives me some hope that oneday I can be a screenplay writer that brings the same emotions to people. I want to make people feel and see things like I see and feel things. I guess that's the writer in me. It's in my blood. The future looks bright when I see films like RENT. I feel like I could be more than I am. I'm going to be a famous writer and I'm going to make people feel so many emotions they don't know whether to laugh or cry. I can't wait. Now, if I can just get through college. I love being in school. I love the classes the teachers everything about it, but sometimes it feels like there's going to be no payoff after I finish. I'm my own worst critic and at the end of the day I think, "You're just some dumb hick from an even dumber hick town you'll never amount to anything. You'll be lucky to be a factory worker. You're going to be nothing just like your father. A bum a moocher with no ambition in your life. You're nothing now. You're nothing and you'll always be nothing. No one knows you and no one ever will." These are daily thoughts. How do you break the habit of these negative thoughts when you've felt this way your whole life. I'm not a negative person in general, just when it comes to myself. I guess it comes from years of hating yourself. I hate that I feel this way about myself even more than I hate myself but how do I break the cycle?
I don't know...
Anyways in other news I got a new puppy. Who I have named Fender (like the guitar not a part on a car) He looks like a Fender though I've been calling him Nintendo. He's going to have a complex I'm sure.
Also, I'm not in my apartment yeah. All my stuff is in my apartment. My clothes my bed everything I own is in cardboard boxes on the cold floors just waiting to burst back to life. I can't wait to get settled. It feels like it's taking forever. I'll probably wish I was back home once it's all said and done but for now I'm anxious. For the longest time I didn't want to grow up and now I'm in a hurry to be an adult. It feels like it happened over night. Atleast I've embraced it whole heartedly. No more fear of growing up the peter pan complex from when I was 18 has ended. Thankfully.
Nothing much else to report. Hope everyone is well. Actually I hope everyone is in love with someone who loves them back. In love with someone who worships the ground they walk on and can't breath without their touch. What a nice thought... hmm... If only...

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I'm having a little anxiety about being out on my own. It's going to happen sooner than I know it and I don't know I'm feeling a mixture of feelings from excited to scared. I like to be alone but I'm going to be alone 24/7 now. sigh... I wish I knew if I was making the right decision...XO

Will I ever find him?

Not just any him. The him. You know the one. Is he out there? Does he even exist? Does anyone in this corrupted world even believe in the one? I do but it's hard to some times when you see all the craziness in this world. What happen to a time when love was pure and true and no one could touch it? When people held love above all things? Was there even a time like that? No body wants to fight for things they want anymore. They just give up when things get a little difficult. I'm not like that. I'm a fighter. I won't give up. I know it sounds unrealistic but I want to stay married to the same person all my life. I've been through too many divorces growing up. It's not something I support or believe in. (except in extreme cases) Divorce lawyers have to be the richest people in this world because someone gets divorced everyday. When did people forget how to fight for love? Sigh it's raining I'm gloomy what more can I say except. I hope you're out there and if you're reading this, I'm willing to do anything to keep us together for all our lives and I hope you're the same way. XO I still believe in you... XO