Sometimes I Wish...

He hadn't kissed me.
Things were so much easier before that. So much more innocent and pure. Things have gone down hill since then. Just completely different than they are they were. I feel different. I look at him differently. I'm sure he looks at me differently. I know I've said it before but I really feel so compromised. I hate this feeling. I feel it today. Part of me wants to say fuck it. We're both adults what we did has no consequence. Just two people enjoying each others company nothing more nothing less. I wish I had told myself that before I got emotionally attached. It doesn't matter anyways every man I have ever loved has abandoned me at some point so you think I would be used to it. It still hurts. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to keep him. Anything I could have said to make him choose me. I'm judging myself at all angles in this situation. I'm not good enough, I wasn't compromising enough, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's him. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will know. What I do know is that for more than a moment he was mine. For more than a moment we were the only two people just breathing in the breath of our existence. For a moment I was on top of the world. I was happy. I was home. I was free. I was everything I wanted to be. Amazing feeling I hope I feel it again for more than a moment. I hope this time there's not a voice in the back of my head saying he'll never be completely yours.
I know I deserve much better than he could ever give me. But I wanted to give him everything my hopes my fears my dreams my life. I'm glad I've got my head back on straight. I still love him though. I knew better but I will take what I got from this and learn. I have learned many, many things and I'm thankful to my teacher as bittersweet as it is. I still maintain that I wish the best for him. I still just want him to be happy regardless of my feelings. His happiness means more to me than my own. I've never felt like this. I hope he's happy right now. I hope he has a full happy life. He's a good man even if all he'll ever be to me is a memory...xx