I've never been so alone and I've never been so alive...
I'm not going to think of you today. I'm not going to wonder if you're okay. I'm not going to wish I talked to you. I'm not going to measure my worth through you. I'm not going to let you get to me. I'm not going to care if you don't text me back. I'm not going to feel invisible when you don't. I'm not going to wonder if you're mad at me. I'm not going to think of you. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to scream. I'm not going to laugh. I'm not going to think of the last time I saw you. I'm not going to think of the first time I saw you. I'm not going to think of the peace that fills my mind when I hear you play guitar. I'm not going to think of you. I'm not going to see the lights in your room when I close my eyes. I'm not going to think of the endless array of expressions on your face. I'm not going to think of your eyes. I'm not going to think of watching adult swim. I'm not going to think of water fights. I'm not going to think of pellet guns. I'm not going to think of the look on her face. I'm not going to think of your music. I'm not going to think of your smile. I'm not going to think about you hitting me (lol) I'm thinking...
I'm thinking of you even though I said I wouldn't, but I had to think of things to not think about, and it ends up I have to think of you, to think about the things I don't want to think about you. Forgive my recent assumptions.
You're in my thoughts... Be safe...xx
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Debit or Credit doesn't compare to Mountains and Man Made Stars...
It's something about the way you laugh
it makes me feel like a Child
aspects of life they confuse me
you and your thesis amuse me
after an afternoon with you
So we just got back from Tennessee late last night. And though I may be fired for this much needed road trip I don't care. Lamarjorie has been having issues and she needed to see her family. I hope she knows I would do anything for her including lose my job. She is worth more than the world to me and I know had I been in the same position she would have taken me anywhere I needed to go as well. Jobs come and go but our friendship is endless. I truly believe that. She is an amazing girl and I hate to see her sad. She deserves every happiness in this world. She is someone who is constantly looking out for other people and I felt like she needed looking out for. So I did. And should I be fired it was totally worth it.
This trip has made me realize how small I am in this big world and how my little world and issues I'm having mean nothing. These issues are small and can be resolved. There's is a whole beautiful world out there and I'm not seeing nearly enough of it and that is my new issue. We drove straight through the mountains and I don't know how you can look at something so much bigger than yourself and not feel like there is something out there bigger than we can grasp. There is a God I know there is and though sometimes I question him I believe he knows what he's doing in the end. This world is beautiful it's breathtaking it's so much bigger than my little world and I am in love with it. I could have died yesterday content with life. It was that amazing. I felt that at peace and I needed it as much as Beth.
We went out to drive back through Atlanta and let me tell you while not as peaceful as the mountains Atlanta is just as impressive. Atlanta is full of man made mountains and man made stars and I love is as I've said before. I love the millions of tail lights creating a red river and white river through the night. I love the buildings that make me feel so small. I love the power and energy I feel there it's indescribable. I love feeling like there is more out there than me. I love feeling like my dreams are within reach and that I am going to be something in this world. I had forgotten that along the way lately but now I know. I will be something so much greater than I am at this moment. I will be somebody. I know it, I feel it.
And as if Atlanta wasn't the icing on the cake there was the storm. Beautiful displays of fireworks no one but God can imitate. And rain that fell like curtains on a stage. The lightning lit up the sky again and again and my heart raced everytime. It was breathing taking.
I will remember the past two days when I feel like giving up. I know this isn't all there is now. There's so much more than this blackhole town of broken dreams and college drop outs there is so, so much more and I plan to see all of it...xx
it makes me feel like a Child
aspects of life they confuse me
you and your thesis amuse me
after an afternoon with you
So we just got back from Tennessee late last night. And though I may be fired for this much needed road trip I don't care. Lamarjorie has been having issues and she needed to see her family. I hope she knows I would do anything for her including lose my job. She is worth more than the world to me and I know had I been in the same position she would have taken me anywhere I needed to go as well. Jobs come and go but our friendship is endless. I truly believe that. She is an amazing girl and I hate to see her sad. She deserves every happiness in this world. She is someone who is constantly looking out for other people and I felt like she needed looking out for. So I did. And should I be fired it was totally worth it.
This trip has made me realize how small I am in this big world and how my little world and issues I'm having mean nothing. These issues are small and can be resolved. There's is a whole beautiful world out there and I'm not seeing nearly enough of it and that is my new issue. We drove straight through the mountains and I don't know how you can look at something so much bigger than yourself and not feel like there is something out there bigger than we can grasp. There is a God I know there is and though sometimes I question him I believe he knows what he's doing in the end. This world is beautiful it's breathtaking it's so much bigger than my little world and I am in love with it. I could have died yesterday content with life. It was that amazing. I felt that at peace and I needed it as much as Beth.
We went out to drive back through Atlanta and let me tell you while not as peaceful as the mountains Atlanta is just as impressive. Atlanta is full of man made mountains and man made stars and I love is as I've said before. I love the millions of tail lights creating a red river and white river through the night. I love the buildings that make me feel so small. I love the power and energy I feel there it's indescribable. I love feeling like there is more out there than me. I love feeling like my dreams are within reach and that I am going to be something in this world. I had forgotten that along the way lately but now I know. I will be something so much greater than I am at this moment. I will be somebody. I know it, I feel it.
And as if Atlanta wasn't the icing on the cake there was the storm. Beautiful displays of fireworks no one but God can imitate. And rain that fell like curtains on a stage. The lightning lit up the sky again and again and my heart raced everytime. It was breathing taking.
I will remember the past two days when I feel like giving up. I know this isn't all there is now. There's so much more than this blackhole town of broken dreams and college drop outs there is so, so much more and I plan to see all of it...xx
Friday, July 28, 2006
Secrets...
have you any? hmm...
Here's mine...
___ __ _ _______. _____ _ __ ___ __ ____ ___ _ __. _ ___ ___ _____ _ ___ ___ _ ___ __ ___. __ __ __ ____ _ _____ __ __ ____ ___ ___ _ __. _____ __ ___, ___ ____ __ _____ ___ _ _ ___ ______ _ _ ____ ____ ___ __ ____ ___ ____ _. Always the noble one aren't we?
It was just a question...
Here's mine...
___ __ _ _______. _____ _ __ ___ __ ____ ___ _ __. _ ___ ___ _____ _ ___ ___ _ ___ __ ___. __ __ __ ____ _ _____ __ __ ____ ___ ___ _ __. _____ __ ___, ___ ____ __ _____ ___ _ _ ___ ______ _ _ ____ ____ ___ __ ____ ___ ____ _. Always the noble one aren't we?
It was just a question...
On your mother's I say a prayer...
Keep playing your games you vindictive, jealous bitches. Keep pushing. Keep pushing I love it I love you proving me right.
I pity you, because I'm not the one that's trapped you are. You have made Al. W. Martin your career. You are stuck there because food stamps will only pay for so much at the end of the day, and the babies need to be feed or they'll be taken away. Oh you're a real good example aren't you working your ass off (or rather watching people work for you) at a job that should be for college students working and saving. Good job making a career out of it. Good Job. Good job showing your babies how to screw the system and get shit for free. Teach them well mothers teach them to be worthless. Teach them to not have goals and follow in your footsteps. Bring up the next generation of underage mothers who can't keep tabs on their kids much less their multiple babies daddies.
It must really suck to be you trapped in that shit hole. I'm sure when you were growing up you had goals (or maybe not you had to learn to cheat the system from someone) bet you didn't think you'd be 3o something a grown assed woman and still be someone's bitch. You are Al W. Martin's bitches ladies.
You must envy us so bad you can't stand it. Us with our youth us with our goals and us with our freedom. Al W. Doesn't own us ladies so play your games since we're clearly all adults here. Treat us like shit for your mistakes. Talk behind our backs. Go ahead if I am so important that you're talking about me behind my back your life must really suck. Poor Poor you 5 kids and the daddies rund oft gotta feed the babies gotta keep working hard for minimum wage to buy your babies clothes. You are owned bitches. That's right OWNED. It must suck to feel that way. I pity you...
Here's where you fucked up not only am I a masochist, but I'm also free. I have potential you could never even begin to possess. Good job getting the GED ladies but it can only take you so far (as you clearly know by your career choice) But my potential is limitless. I can be anything I fucking want and you will never amount to anything. You will always be a barcode and a number ladies. That's unfortunate. I bet I will walk in that store 20 years from now and still see your broke asses there asking if it's debit or credit. I am only there temporarily you are going to be one of those 25 years plus. Good job moving up to a gold badge I'm sure that's a big achievement somewhere... Really.
AND I'm sorry if my youth, goals, race, lack of kids, or any other thing you can think of to hate me about offends you. Really I am... Really...
Keep pushing the people you clearly consider a threat away. I don't want your job bitch (and trust me if I did I would have already taken it by now) I want to make over 20,000 a year thanks. And I will.
It's really taken this to open my eyes and realize I'm not the one who's trapped after all. I'm still very much free and this job can fuck itself for all I care because I was looking for a job when I found it and I can always find another It's not worth me getting all worked up it's really not.
And don't worry I'm not going to stoop down to your level to battle when I've already won the war. Way to under achieve but I'm meant for something far better and it's a realistic goal for me. It's within my reach. It's something you will never, never be able to come close to. You will never feel this kind of freedom and that is my revenge. You will always be a slave to the system. So enjoy the rest of your life, I'm sure you have a bright future... Really.
There will come a day when I forget you and forget what you've done and forget why I cared. I will forget that I considered you friends forget that I thought I could trust you. I'll come through your line and you'll remember me smile like you were my friend all along and ask me debit or credit and I'll pay for my pack of fucking gum with a hundred dollar bill and tell you to keep the change because I'm sure you'll need it more than I ever will again.
Funny how life works... And to think I used to be such a nice girl...xx
I pity you, because I'm not the one that's trapped you are. You have made Al. W. Martin your career. You are stuck there because food stamps will only pay for so much at the end of the day, and the babies need to be feed or they'll be taken away. Oh you're a real good example aren't you working your ass off (or rather watching people work for you) at a job that should be for college students working and saving. Good job making a career out of it. Good Job. Good job showing your babies how to screw the system and get shit for free. Teach them well mothers teach them to be worthless. Teach them to not have goals and follow in your footsteps. Bring up the next generation of underage mothers who can't keep tabs on their kids much less their multiple babies daddies.
It must really suck to be you trapped in that shit hole. I'm sure when you were growing up you had goals (or maybe not you had to learn to cheat the system from someone) bet you didn't think you'd be 3o something a grown assed woman and still be someone's bitch. You are Al W. Martin's bitches ladies.
You must envy us so bad you can't stand it. Us with our youth us with our goals and us with our freedom. Al W. Doesn't own us ladies so play your games since we're clearly all adults here. Treat us like shit for your mistakes. Talk behind our backs. Go ahead if I am so important that you're talking about me behind my back your life must really suck. Poor Poor you 5 kids and the daddies rund oft gotta feed the babies gotta keep working hard for minimum wage to buy your babies clothes. You are owned bitches. That's right OWNED. It must suck to feel that way. I pity you...
Here's where you fucked up not only am I a masochist, but I'm also free. I have potential you could never even begin to possess. Good job getting the GED ladies but it can only take you so far (as you clearly know by your career choice) But my potential is limitless. I can be anything I fucking want and you will never amount to anything. You will always be a barcode and a number ladies. That's unfortunate. I bet I will walk in that store 20 years from now and still see your broke asses there asking if it's debit or credit. I am only there temporarily you are going to be one of those 25 years plus. Good job moving up to a gold badge I'm sure that's a big achievement somewhere... Really.
AND I'm sorry if my youth, goals, race, lack of kids, or any other thing you can think of to hate me about offends you. Really I am... Really...
Keep pushing the people you clearly consider a threat away. I don't want your job bitch (and trust me if I did I would have already taken it by now) I want to make over 20,000 a year thanks. And I will.
It's really taken this to open my eyes and realize I'm not the one who's trapped after all. I'm still very much free and this job can fuck itself for all I care because I was looking for a job when I found it and I can always find another It's not worth me getting all worked up it's really not.
And don't worry I'm not going to stoop down to your level to battle when I've already won the war. Way to under achieve but I'm meant for something far better and it's a realistic goal for me. It's within my reach. It's something you will never, never be able to come close to. You will never feel this kind of freedom and that is my revenge. You will always be a slave to the system. So enjoy the rest of your life, I'm sure you have a bright future... Really.
There will come a day when I forget you and forget what you've done and forget why I cared. I will forget that I considered you friends forget that I thought I could trust you. I'll come through your line and you'll remember me smile like you were my friend all along and ask me debit or credit and I'll pay for my pack of fucking gum with a hundred dollar bill and tell you to keep the change because I'm sure you'll need it more than I ever will again.
Funny how life works... And to think I used to be such a nice girl...xx
Thursday, July 27, 2006
I want to make you smile when you don't feel pretty...
Okay so I've had a little clarity brought to my eyes thanks to two amazing friends. I've decided to just let these feelings go. I'm letting them go. I think this is going to be a long process and that I'm going to need all the help I can get but I'm not feeling like this another day.
Maybe I do alienate myself. It's nothing personal I'm not stuck up I'm just insecure. Very insecure with everything about me. This is a personal issue and there's no reason for me to shut people about because of it. I am guarded I've said that before but me being guarded has slowly turned into a self inflicted prison without me even realizing it. I put up my walls so I wouldn't get hurt by others but it turns out I'm hurting myself. I haven't lost faith in people I've lost faith in myself. I've got to get that back somehow. I just don't think my opinions or my ideas are worth mentioning. So I stay quiet and reserved. I've got to undo years of feeling unimportant and unworthy. So please if you can help me out.
Anyways I just wanted to say I'm feeling much better and I thank you for that. I still need to talk if you're whiling to listen but I feel a little less hopeless. So thank you... xx
Maybe I do alienate myself. It's nothing personal I'm not stuck up I'm just insecure. Very insecure with everything about me. This is a personal issue and there's no reason for me to shut people about because of it. I am guarded I've said that before but me being guarded has slowly turned into a self inflicted prison without me even realizing it. I put up my walls so I wouldn't get hurt by others but it turns out I'm hurting myself. I haven't lost faith in people I've lost faith in myself. I've got to get that back somehow. I just don't think my opinions or my ideas are worth mentioning. So I stay quiet and reserved. I've got to undo years of feeling unimportant and unworthy. So please if you can help me out.
Anyways I just wanted to say I'm feeling much better and I thank you for that. I still need to talk if you're whiling to listen but I feel a little less hopeless. So thank you... xx
No I'm not okay...
And don't you dare feed me that generic bullshit line that everything will be okay. To sleep on it and tomorrow's a new day and everything will be fine, because it won't be fine. It won't be okay... I won't be okay... I am not okay... I'm not going to be okay... There's no miracle pill to make everything better, that shit just covers it up, I'm living proof. It's not okay and neither am I... And I don't know when I will be again...
Am I really as alone as I feel?
Or do I alienate myself? Is this a self inflicted solitary confinement. I don't think so. I can be in a room full of a hundred people as I often am and feel completely alone. I hate this feeling. I hate that I'm crying over it because in truth I'm numb on the inside. I am numb. The tears are a facade that make me seem human but I am empty and numb and alone. I've felt this way so long you think I would be used to it, but I'm not.
I hate waking up every day and walking through those door and barely functioning. I am like a robot. I do what I have to do I go home and I sleep the world away. I am happier asleep more than I am awake.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about running. Just running away and seeing if my location is what's making me feel this way. Surly the whole world isn't like this. But what if it is what if I'm going to feel this way every where I go. Life wouldn't be worth living, not like this. The world can't be like this. I can't run though, I'm afraid of being alone ironic as it is and I don't think I'm strong enough to go by myself... I know I'm not.
I would sell my soul for no one to ever feel like I'm feeling right now ever again, in a heart beat. This is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like all I'm doing is existing. Like I'm not worth the breath I take for granted. Like I will never amount to anything worth anyone's time. Like I'm nothing but another nameless face in a world full of people who will never see me. Never. I know there are bigger issues in the world than mine but at the moment I don't care. If the world went to war and every country was destroying everyone else I wouldn't care. I don't care about the world or myself. I just don't.
I am so lost, I'm lost. I can't find my home and I'm alone... What's the point in writing this or wasting my breath no one's listening anyways.
God, please take these feelings away. This is not who I am anymore. There has got to be more to life than this. There has to.... There has to.... Please. . . I can't take feeling this way. I don't want to be empty or numb I don't want to feel alone anymore... I don't want to wake up looking around my empty room and feeling like this, ever again... I want to run... more than anything right now, I want to leave everything behind and just run away... somebody help me... please... I can't take this... I'm dying on the outside, I'm already dead on the in. I can't live like this anymore... something has got to change... I'm not giving up I'm just lost... please help me...
I hate waking up every day and walking through those door and barely functioning. I am like a robot. I do what I have to do I go home and I sleep the world away. I am happier asleep more than I am awake.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about running. Just running away and seeing if my location is what's making me feel this way. Surly the whole world isn't like this. But what if it is what if I'm going to feel this way every where I go. Life wouldn't be worth living, not like this. The world can't be like this. I can't run though, I'm afraid of being alone ironic as it is and I don't think I'm strong enough to go by myself... I know I'm not.
I would sell my soul for no one to ever feel like I'm feeling right now ever again, in a heart beat. This is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like all I'm doing is existing. Like I'm not worth the breath I take for granted. Like I will never amount to anything worth anyone's time. Like I'm nothing but another nameless face in a world full of people who will never see me. Never. I know there are bigger issues in the world than mine but at the moment I don't care. If the world went to war and every country was destroying everyone else I wouldn't care. I don't care about the world or myself. I just don't.
I am so lost, I'm lost. I can't find my home and I'm alone... What's the point in writing this or wasting my breath no one's listening anyways.
God, please take these feelings away. This is not who I am anymore. There has got to be more to life than this. There has to.... There has to.... Please. . . I can't take feeling this way. I don't want to be empty or numb I don't want to feel alone anymore... I don't want to wake up looking around my empty room and feeling like this, ever again... I want to run... more than anything right now, I want to leave everything behind and just run away... somebody help me... please... I can't take this... I'm dying on the outside, I'm already dead on the in. I can't live like this anymore... something has got to change... I'm not giving up I'm just lost... please help me...
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
My Impression Of Ru...
Bare with me this is just an observation... I don't know him all that well but this is what I have so far...
So I met this guy for the second time July 3rd, and though I've not openly said everything I wanted here goes... The stranger has a name... Music to my ears... To you...
Ruari... Ru has this quality in him that is childlike. Not in an immature way but in a refreshing way. I would give absolutely anything to see the world through his eyes. Anything... It has to be an amazing view because it seems like he has the ability to see beauty and wonder in absolutely everything. His eyes must have some kind of filter that has been untainted by the world much like a child. His playful nature and boyish smile is enduring and refreshing it rubs off on you and let's you know things are going to be okay.
I'm positive he can be serious about certain things but I don't think he takes life in general too seriously he knows how to enjoy what he's given.
In the 20 years I've been alive I have never met a man like him. It's incredibly refreshing. I don't think I could ever meet another man like him. I know I won't. He is original, take me or leave me, love me the way I am, to the core and I envy this quality. He is the truest soul and most true to himself more so than anyone I've ever met. He knows who he is and doesn't give a fuck if you like him or not. He is who he is. This amazes me... I want to be like that more than he will ever know. He has a mind of his own and his mind is still his own once again untainted by the world.
There is so much beauty in this boy. So much anyone who had ever met him can see it. He has the power to captivate people. He's never dull which holds my interest. Spontaneous, surprise, mystery all abide here. I mean I've known him for such a short while and I am... I don't know intrigued...
He has so much power surrounding him that you can feel it just by him looking at you. I don't understand it but he has the x-factor that gets you hooked.
His laugh is infectious just like he is. Even if you didn't think the joke was funny you have to laugh hearing his laughter. It's pure and unfiltered.
I don't know what else to say except this boy, you are amazing and genuine and true and pure and that is so hard to find in this world so hard. I think that's why I'm captivated because it's exactly what I've been looking for. Someone who is themself and who's thoughts are still their own. I'm amazed by this boy amazed everytime I meet him it's like the first time. I care about this boy probably more than I should after knowing him such a short while. I pray we are friends for a very long time because I think he could be a positive influence whether he realizes it or not. I find myself smiling just thinking of him and I wonder if he's alright more often than not. I know he's okay but I wonder anyways.
Love, don't lose your faith in people whatever you do. People are good there are good people in this world who care about you and would give their life for you believe me. I would do anything to never see you frown again. I would take your pain in a heartbeat because I know you are meant for bigger things that you realize. I truly believe you have the talent and ability to do anything you put that amazing mind of yours to do.
I'm lost for words now... Just know you are loved for who you are and I personally admire the person you are. I would kill to be like you.
Have faith love, keep the faith love... You are cared about and in someone's thoughts. Your friendship is worth more to me than you will probably ever know and I hope you have faith in me one day and the feeling becomes mutual.
Smile love, you live a dream life and you are the dreamer and that's an amazing way to live. I envy you on so many levels whether you believe it or not... One day you'll believe me...
Sleep well Dream well Live well and Be safe with your comings and goings...xx
You've made it this far without the world tainting you. I know it's difficult sometimes but continue to the see world as you see it... Ruari...
So I met this guy for the second time July 3rd, and though I've not openly said everything I wanted here goes... The stranger has a name... Music to my ears... To you...
Ruari... Ru has this quality in him that is childlike. Not in an immature way but in a refreshing way. I would give absolutely anything to see the world through his eyes. Anything... It has to be an amazing view because it seems like he has the ability to see beauty and wonder in absolutely everything. His eyes must have some kind of filter that has been untainted by the world much like a child. His playful nature and boyish smile is enduring and refreshing it rubs off on you and let's you know things are going to be okay.
I'm positive he can be serious about certain things but I don't think he takes life in general too seriously he knows how to enjoy what he's given.
In the 20 years I've been alive I have never met a man like him. It's incredibly refreshing. I don't think I could ever meet another man like him. I know I won't. He is original, take me or leave me, love me the way I am, to the core and I envy this quality. He is the truest soul and most true to himself more so than anyone I've ever met. He knows who he is and doesn't give a fuck if you like him or not. He is who he is. This amazes me... I want to be like that more than he will ever know. He has a mind of his own and his mind is still his own once again untainted by the world.
There is so much beauty in this boy. So much anyone who had ever met him can see it. He has the power to captivate people. He's never dull which holds my interest. Spontaneous, surprise, mystery all abide here. I mean I've known him for such a short while and I am... I don't know intrigued...
He has so much power surrounding him that you can feel it just by him looking at you. I don't understand it but he has the x-factor that gets you hooked.
His laugh is infectious just like he is. Even if you didn't think the joke was funny you have to laugh hearing his laughter. It's pure and unfiltered.
I don't know what else to say except this boy, you are amazing and genuine and true and pure and that is so hard to find in this world so hard. I think that's why I'm captivated because it's exactly what I've been looking for. Someone who is themself and who's thoughts are still their own. I'm amazed by this boy amazed everytime I meet him it's like the first time. I care about this boy probably more than I should after knowing him such a short while. I pray we are friends for a very long time because I think he could be a positive influence whether he realizes it or not. I find myself smiling just thinking of him and I wonder if he's alright more often than not. I know he's okay but I wonder anyways.
Love, don't lose your faith in people whatever you do. People are good there are good people in this world who care about you and would give their life for you believe me. I would do anything to never see you frown again. I would take your pain in a heartbeat because I know you are meant for bigger things that you realize. I truly believe you have the talent and ability to do anything you put that amazing mind of yours to do.
I'm lost for words now... Just know you are loved for who you are and I personally admire the person you are. I would kill to be like you.
Have faith love, keep the faith love... You are cared about and in someone's thoughts. Your friendship is worth more to me than you will probably ever know and I hope you have faith in me one day and the feeling becomes mutual.
Smile love, you live a dream life and you are the dreamer and that's an amazing way to live. I envy you on so many levels whether you believe it or not... One day you'll believe me...
Sleep well Dream well Live well and Be safe with your comings and goings...xx
You've made it this far without the world tainting you. I know it's difficult sometimes but continue to the see world as you see it... Ruari...
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
What are your intentions here?
I just want to be someone who makes you smile
I ask for nothing in return
except to see your smile, like the warmth of the sun hitting your skin on a winters day, again.
I don't know what your intentions are any more than I know what my own are... But I do know that I want you to never be sad and never feel alone and never feel like the people you've surrounded yourself with are using you. I want you to feel cared for and thought of on a daily basis because you are in people's thoughts. You are missed when you leave this empty town.
Again no obligations just a smile to provoke a smile is all that's needed...
Be safe...xx
p.s. yes I'm talking to you...
I ask for nothing in return
except to see your smile, like the warmth of the sun hitting your skin on a winters day, again.
I don't know what your intentions are any more than I know what my own are... But I do know that I want you to never be sad and never feel alone and never feel like the people you've surrounded yourself with are using you. I want you to feel cared for and thought of on a daily basis because you are in people's thoughts. You are missed when you leave this empty town.
Again no obligations just a smile to provoke a smile is all that's needed...
Be safe...xx
p.s. yes I'm talking to you...
Monday, July 24, 2006
Tears... For a fallen friend... My heart aches for you...
My apartment burned down. I don't know if it was the lighting or the fact that a tree is now in my house but it burned. From what I hear it put up a good fight but in the end it burned. We drove past my apartment to check my mail and Beth noticed a sign on the side of the beautiful white house that said "you loot we shoot." She looked up and saw a tree on the side of what was once Travis' and Jaime's house then we noticed we could see the sky through the ceiling. It burned to nothing. A candy cop pulled up behind us. And I informed him that I lived there and just last week had moved the last of my things out. He told me they weren't sure exactly what happened be it the storm or be it the lightning but that flames had engulfed both upstairs apartments beyond repair.
I am heart broken ladies and gentlemen. My first place the "shit hole" I loved so dearly and fought for is nothing but outside walls. It's destroyed beyond repair and I am heart broken I can't express that enough. I loved that place more than many things and now it's nothing but a memory. Nothing but fond memories. I had some of the best times of my life in that place I called home. Never again will I climb out my bedroom window and sit on the balcony smoking watching cars drive past. Never again will I or anyone really dance around in my underwear with the music blaring. I know I've just moved in to a new house and I'm so thankful I did but I still can't help but cry that no new memories will be made in my home. It was beautiful so beautiful every time I walked through that door it was like going back to a simpler time. It was my sanctuary and now it's gone. I guess part of me was still holding on to it even now.
Everything happens for a reason and my lease wouldn't have been up until September but I moved out early and I pitched a fit about having to leave. Now I feel like a bitch for putting up such a fight for it. I'll admit it when I am wrong. I am wrong. I'm so glad I moved out when I did and to think I just turned in the keys last week and now it's keys to nothing. My heart aches for my home. I was sure she had several good years left and that someone else would move in and love her like I did. I will always remember my sanctuary and the first place that ever felt like home. I know I'm lucky to be alive right now but I still wouldn't have traded her for the world. She gave me my first taste of freedom and I will be eternally grateful until the day I die for those memories. I love you my home and my heart is still on that balcony. You were and will always be loved...xx... It's sad how much beauty and history can be lost in a matter of moments... years and years lost to flames...
I am heart broken ladies and gentlemen. My first place the "shit hole" I loved so dearly and fought for is nothing but outside walls. It's destroyed beyond repair and I am heart broken I can't express that enough. I loved that place more than many things and now it's nothing but a memory. Nothing but fond memories. I had some of the best times of my life in that place I called home. Never again will I climb out my bedroom window and sit on the balcony smoking watching cars drive past. Never again will I or anyone really dance around in my underwear with the music blaring. I know I've just moved in to a new house and I'm so thankful I did but I still can't help but cry that no new memories will be made in my home. It was beautiful so beautiful every time I walked through that door it was like going back to a simpler time. It was my sanctuary and now it's gone. I guess part of me was still holding on to it even now.
Everything happens for a reason and my lease wouldn't have been up until September but I moved out early and I pitched a fit about having to leave. Now I feel like a bitch for putting up such a fight for it. I'll admit it when I am wrong. I am wrong. I'm so glad I moved out when I did and to think I just turned in the keys last week and now it's keys to nothing. My heart aches for my home. I was sure she had several good years left and that someone else would move in and love her like I did. I will always remember my sanctuary and the first place that ever felt like home. I know I'm lucky to be alive right now but I still wouldn't have traded her for the world. She gave me my first taste of freedom and I will be eternally grateful until the day I die for those memories. I love you my home and my heart is still on that balcony. You were and will always be loved...xx... It's sad how much beauty and history can be lost in a matter of moments... years and years lost to flames...
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Dreams...
A head to full of thought
you can't use your imagination
like a sky so full of stars
you can't find a constellation
What if you don't know what your dream is? What if you have so many dreams that one can't stand above the rest? I know there is so much I want to do but we're given so little time that I'm not sure I'll be able to do them all. Somedays I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. Like I'm trapped. I hate feeling this way. Days when I feel totally unoriginal and meaningless. I think I need a road trip to clear my head. Beth and are are going to take one. I hope it's sooner rather than later. It's funny how getting away from the situation puts it all into perspective. At least I have hopes that it will. One thing I do know is that I'm meant to do more than I'm doing right now. Where I'm currently at isn't going to be my career. I'm far to smart for paper or plastic. I guess that's why I feel trapped. I feel like for the most part I work with a bunch of idiots who probably never even had goals as big as mine. That was mean but some people aren't meant for big things and that's okay if they're happy with their mundane lives let them be. Who am I to say you can do better? What if they started out with goals like mine and got sucked in and trapped. What if they feel the same way I do and they've been there 20 years. I'll be damned if I feel like this any longer than I have. I know the job is temporary I just wish sometimes that it were a little more temporary. I want to be back in school. I feel like I put my life on hold to grow up. I don't know what I was in such a hurry about. It has it's moments don't get me wrong but sometimes I wish I were a kid again. When dreams and possibilities were endless and nothing was out of your reach.
I don't think I want to have kids... Currently. I may change my mind but... I don't know the world's beautiful and wonderful but it's nothing like I thought it would be. There's beauty in every situation. I believe that but sometimes I can't see past what I'm seeing now.
I need a change of scenery...xx
you can't use your imagination
like a sky so full of stars
you can't find a constellation
What if you don't know what your dream is? What if you have so many dreams that one can't stand above the rest? I know there is so much I want to do but we're given so little time that I'm not sure I'll be able to do them all. Somedays I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. Like I'm trapped. I hate feeling this way. Days when I feel totally unoriginal and meaningless. I think I need a road trip to clear my head. Beth and are are going to take one. I hope it's sooner rather than later. It's funny how getting away from the situation puts it all into perspective. At least I have hopes that it will. One thing I do know is that I'm meant to do more than I'm doing right now. Where I'm currently at isn't going to be my career. I'm far to smart for paper or plastic. I guess that's why I feel trapped. I feel like for the most part I work with a bunch of idiots who probably never even had goals as big as mine. That was mean but some people aren't meant for big things and that's okay if they're happy with their mundane lives let them be. Who am I to say you can do better? What if they started out with goals like mine and got sucked in and trapped. What if they feel the same way I do and they've been there 20 years. I'll be damned if I feel like this any longer than I have. I know the job is temporary I just wish sometimes that it were a little more temporary. I want to be back in school. I feel like I put my life on hold to grow up. I don't know what I was in such a hurry about. It has it's moments don't get me wrong but sometimes I wish I were a kid again. When dreams and possibilities were endless and nothing was out of your reach.
I don't think I want to have kids... Currently. I may change my mind but... I don't know the world's beautiful and wonderful but it's nothing like I thought it would be. There's beauty in every situation. I believe that but sometimes I can't see past what I'm seeing now.
I need a change of scenery...xx
Saturday, July 22, 2006
TORNADO...
wooh. I survived near death. I swear to God there are trees uprooted everywhere. It's freaking sweet. I went to sleep and a horrible storm woke me up around 5. The power was out. It was awesome like fireworks right outside your window. We knew it was going to rain earlier but it was so calm. It didn't seem like it was going to be that bad. We drove past my old apartment and there are trees and limbs down everywhere the power is down stop lights aren't working. There was a police officer outside with a thing that looked like a light saber directing traffic it's so cool.
People couldn't survive without electricity. They were all freaking out I know they were it's hilarious. I'm all like a child and I think it's beautiful and amazing. I love it. So not at work right now cause beth's car overheated. I want to go outside and play so bad. Hope everyone is safe hope no one was seriously injured. ...xx
People couldn't survive without electricity. They were all freaking out I know they were it's hilarious. I'm all like a child and I think it's beautiful and amazing. I love it. So not at work right now cause beth's car overheated. I want to go outside and play so bad. Hope everyone is safe hope no one was seriously injured. ...xx
Just a general statement to no one in particular...
Maybe it would benefit people, other than yourself, if you would start using your "powers" (shall we say) for good instead of your own selfish reasons. (whatever they may be.)
If you in turn would open up fully, and not put conditions on your love, maybe you would find what ever it is you're looking for.
You're life is beautiful and you seem happy but sometimes looking at you it just feels like something is missing. Maybe the facade you put out for the world to see has started to feel so natural that you don't even realize the type of person you are. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm just saying that something is missing...
Just an observation... Let me know if I'm wrong... Let me know if I can help... I'm not trying to change you... I love the person I see deep inside of you... However, I would condemn my soul to hell to save you from being what you're becoming... I don't think it's too late for you, love... I don't think you are a bad person... I just think you lost something along the way and I hope you get it back... Before you wake up a day late and realize the person who you are isn't who you were meant to be...
Always...xx bri xx, you are red violent red...
If you in turn would open up fully, and not put conditions on your love, maybe you would find what ever it is you're looking for.
You're life is beautiful and you seem happy but sometimes looking at you it just feels like something is missing. Maybe the facade you put out for the world to see has started to feel so natural that you don't even realize the type of person you are. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm just saying that something is missing...
Just an observation... Let me know if I'm wrong... Let me know if I can help... I'm not trying to change you... I love the person I see deep inside of you... However, I would condemn my soul to hell to save you from being what you're becoming... I don't think it's too late for you, love... I don't think you are a bad person... I just think you lost something along the way and I hope you get it back... Before you wake up a day late and realize the person who you are isn't who you were meant to be...
Always...xx bri xx, you are red violent red...
Thursday, July 20, 2006
New Focus...
My xanga is getting all the attention for the big issues. If you're interested...
So had three days off now it's back to work. I shouldn't complain about having to work only 4 days a week so I won't.
Life is...Interesting. Atleast lately. Never a dull moment since Beth came into my life. I'm thankful though because I thrive off of drama. I love how Beth and I can just sit back and laugh at people. Case in point...
Size appropriate cars... (hehe I shouldn't be laughing I'm no skinny myself but woh) Picture this if you will a large okay maybe large isn't the word an extremely large woman in a tiny again not the word in a uber tiny BMW convertible. Now I in no means am one to make fun of people but here's what I though. You just spent 30 thousand or more on a car you should atleast be able to enjoy it comfortably. I'm not sure how the woman got in the car unless she had the top down which is sad. Very sad and I didn't mean to laugh. Okay I did mean to laugh it was one of the funniest things I've seen. Does she really think she's cute? Come on... We laughed for atleast 30 minutes I know and everytime I see a small car such as a Miata I laugh out loud.
Life is so beautiful the good and the tragically bad. There's beauty in everything. I learned that recently from someone who will remain nameless. Sometimes you have to laugh though. Laughter is beautiful in itself. I wasn't maliciously laughing at this woman but it did make me smile and I thank her for that moment. haha. So *click click* you been put into memory.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I find beauty in everything then why can't I see it in myself. I'm changing my outlook as of today. I am beautiful, not hott, but beautiful. I'm am an indescribable beauty. There is beauty in my imperfections just like there is beauty in yours. I love imperfections so I'm going to learn to love mine and through me other people will love them as well. If I can just get past things and let my guard down. I'm so guarded but like I said I'm working on it... I am the way I am and you're either going to like it or not. I'm not working to please people anymore. From now on as long as I'm happy with who I am and what I look like I could care less what people who don't mean shit to me think. A big F U to those who can't appreciate the beauty in everything.
Everyone be safe...xx
So had three days off now it's back to work. I shouldn't complain about having to work only 4 days a week so I won't.
Life is...Interesting. Atleast lately. Never a dull moment since Beth came into my life. I'm thankful though because I thrive off of drama. I love how Beth and I can just sit back and laugh at people. Case in point...
Size appropriate cars... (hehe I shouldn't be laughing I'm no skinny myself but woh) Picture this if you will a large okay maybe large isn't the word an extremely large woman in a tiny again not the word in a uber tiny BMW convertible. Now I in no means am one to make fun of people but here's what I though. You just spent 30 thousand or more on a car you should atleast be able to enjoy it comfortably. I'm not sure how the woman got in the car unless she had the top down which is sad. Very sad and I didn't mean to laugh. Okay I did mean to laugh it was one of the funniest things I've seen. Does she really think she's cute? Come on... We laughed for atleast 30 minutes I know and everytime I see a small car such as a Miata I laugh out loud.
Life is so beautiful the good and the tragically bad. There's beauty in everything. I learned that recently from someone who will remain nameless. Sometimes you have to laugh though. Laughter is beautiful in itself. I wasn't maliciously laughing at this woman but it did make me smile and I thank her for that moment. haha. So *click click* you been put into memory.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I find beauty in everything then why can't I see it in myself. I'm changing my outlook as of today. I am beautiful, not hott, but beautiful. I'm am an indescribable beauty. There is beauty in my imperfections just like there is beauty in yours. I love imperfections so I'm going to learn to love mine and through me other people will love them as well. If I can just get past things and let my guard down. I'm so guarded but like I said I'm working on it... I am the way I am and you're either going to like it or not. I'm not working to please people anymore. From now on as long as I'm happy with who I am and what I look like I could care less what people who don't mean shit to me think. A big F U to those who can't appreciate the beauty in everything.
Everyone be safe...xx
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Again don't think it was meant for me but... Smile...
It's strange how a smile can leave my face
when ever your presence has left this place
It's funny how I never frowned
until you left this town
I know that you'll be back again
though I don't know how soon
or when.
but it makes me truly happy to call you friend
thanks for making me smile again. xx
when ever your presence has left this place
It's funny how I never frowned
until you left this town
I know that you'll be back again
though I don't know how soon
or when.
but it makes me truly happy to call you friend
thanks for making me smile again. xx
I don't think that post was meant for me but you know what...
I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok... really... xx
Monday, July 17, 2006
A moment...
You know I only knew you briefly but I'm feeling slightly hurt. I'm not losing sleep but I am a little disappointed. I just want to know what I did to make you ignore me... Blow me off sure tell me your busy tell me your girlfriend is in town whatever but don't ignore me. That makes people feel like shit to just be completely over looked, like I don't even exist. It's funny how one moment you made me feel like I was the only person alive and now it's like I'm not even real. I don't think you realize how much power you have over people. If course you don't know what it's like to be a girl so I'm not going to assume you know how I feel at all. I'm sure I'm the least of your concerns. But thanks for making me feel overlooked like everyone else makes me feel. I don't know why I'm so upset. I guess it's because I thought so highly of you and I was sure you weren't going to let me down. Once again that's on me because that was my assumptions. I don't know... I'll get over this... I've gotten over worse... You're not reading this so I guess this post was pointless but I feel a little better having gotten it out... Now that the "infatuation" or whatever it was is over I can get back to me... The most overlooked girl in the world...
Friday, July 14, 2006
You mirror the sun and I want to mirror you...
Let me direct your attention here -->
new links on the side panel check them out you won't be disappointed. Concentrating on the xanga I've neglected. It's linked on the side. Be safe love...
new links on the side panel check them out you won't be disappointed. Concentrating on the xanga I've neglected. It's linked on the side. Be safe love...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
So let's continue...
With the I'm unattractive emo phase shall we?
If you know me chances are you don't not many people do but if you know me you know that I don't think I'm attractive. At all. This isn't some shallow selfish way of fishing for compliments this is how I really feel.
So we went to buffingtons last night and here's beth's argument that I'm "gorgeous" I had like several men come up to me and hit on me. I mean several but here's my argument they were drinking and some were drunk a drunk man telling you you're beautiful is like a deaf person telling you, you have an amazing voice. They have booze filters. Now do I ordinarily get compliments such as this in everyday life? No, no I don't. So Beth would argue drinking makes you brave and that's why they come up to me at the bar. Apparently I can be intimidating. But still they're drinking key word. I can't stand drunks and none of those guys were worth my time. You know that's kind of self absorbed and arrogant maybe they were worth my time but them drinking makes them unattractive not drinking but being drunk. I like it every once in a while but these were guys I see every Tuesday nights.
sigh... I wish the moon would change I'm in an awful mood really down on myself lately. I know some reasons but a lot of it is unjustified depression. I've got to get out of this mood and get back to being me... Help me...
If you know me chances are you don't not many people do but if you know me you know that I don't think I'm attractive. At all. This isn't some shallow selfish way of fishing for compliments this is how I really feel.
So we went to buffingtons last night and here's beth's argument that I'm "gorgeous" I had like several men come up to me and hit on me. I mean several but here's my argument they were drinking and some were drunk a drunk man telling you you're beautiful is like a deaf person telling you, you have an amazing voice. They have booze filters. Now do I ordinarily get compliments such as this in everyday life? No, no I don't. So Beth would argue drinking makes you brave and that's why they come up to me at the bar. Apparently I can be intimidating. But still they're drinking key word. I can't stand drunks and none of those guys were worth my time. You know that's kind of self absorbed and arrogant maybe they were worth my time but them drinking makes them unattractive not drinking but being drunk. I like it every once in a while but these were guys I see every Tuesday nights.
sigh... I wish the moon would change I'm in an awful mood really down on myself lately. I know some reasons but a lot of it is unjustified depression. I've got to get out of this mood and get back to being me... Help me...
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Work in Progress...
In more ways than one... I don't have my beloved internet back yet but I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll be back in buisness... The move is almost complete I only have a few more boxes and I'll be done... Talk to you kids later have a good weekend and what ever hotel you haunt I hope you are safe... xx
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Not as bad as I thought...
So far. I stayed in the new house. It's nice it's not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I like it. The kitchen is huge. We're having a cocktail party in a couple of weeks as soon as we're settled. I think this is the beginning of something amazing.
I think if I don't look into your eyes, locked in a silent exchange, ever again... I can't put into words how disappointed I would be. I can't put into words how I feel right now.
I hope we talk again soon... You're indescribable... I'm changed... I hope to be as infectious as you one day... xx
I think if I don't look into your eyes, locked in a silent exchange, ever again... I can't put into words how disappointed I would be. I can't put into words how I feel right now.
I hope we talk again soon... You're indescribable... I'm changed... I hope to be as infectious as you one day... xx
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
To You...
Thank you for the memory... I pray it's not my last of you... You're what I thought you would be and I thank you for that...
I'm a challenge I know but if you're up to par and whiling I swear I'm worth the effort...
Be safe with your comings and goings...
I'm glad to have met you... Again...xx
Your face could win me over... I'm on your side...
I'm a challenge I know but if you're up to par and whiling I swear I'm worth the effort...
Be safe with your comings and goings...
I'm glad to have met you... Again...xx
Your face could win me over... I'm on your side...
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Just a random poem by yours truly
Self inflicted freedom/prison
Once upon a time
there was a girl
who lived inside her
self created world
little by little she
favored this make believe
over her real life
and the imaginary life
slowly without her knowing
became her prison
her delusions, her glamors, her dreams
all became her made up reality
she began to fade away
slowly withdrawing
slowly hiding
slowly dying
slowly losing herself
to what she thought was the key
to endless freedom
a freedom so free she
began to feel trapped
not only trapped but lost
lost within her thoughts
her mind with endless possibilities
became a 6x6 jail cell
with no key in sight
an endless imagination
turned into a self inflicted prison over night
now part of her wants to break free from paradise
but she looks into the real world and sees hate, loss, murder, regret, lies, greed...Pain
none of these exist in her mind
her mind is pure, fresh and untainted
she doesn't let the real world inside
and so she hides in her mind
her freedom her self inflicted prison
a place where no negativity exist and she'll never be betrayed
except...
by herself the only one that holds the key to her true freedom is the only one holding her back...
Once upon a time
there was a girl
who lived inside her
self created world
little by little she
favored this make believe
over her real life
and the imaginary life
slowly without her knowing
became her prison
her delusions, her glamors, her dreams
all became her made up reality
she began to fade away
slowly withdrawing
slowly hiding
slowly dying
slowly losing herself
to what she thought was the key
to endless freedom
a freedom so free she
began to feel trapped
not only trapped but lost
lost within her thoughts
her mind with endless possibilities
became a 6x6 jail cell
with no key in sight
an endless imagination
turned into a self inflicted prison over night
now part of her wants to break free from paradise
but she looks into the real world and sees hate, loss, murder, regret, lies, greed...Pain
none of these exist in her mind
her mind is pure, fresh and untainted
she doesn't let the real world inside
and so she hides in her mind
her freedom her self inflicted prison
a place where no negativity exist and she'll never be betrayed
except...
by herself the only one that holds the key to her true freedom is the only one holding her back...
Infatuated
Infatuated with your song
when I hear it nothing's wrong
when I hear it I sing along
naive to the world outside your door
two strangers here and nothing more
the world seems right within this place
everything in time... In space
all things align in that moment
I feel alive...
In your eyes everything seems so right
I wish I could have stayed lost in that night.
by~me
Things are well. I guess I didn't get fired though honestly I'm still confused. I asked the manager if I was fired and said he didn't know that he hadn't heard. I don't know...
I'm almost completely out of my apartment with exception to my bed and clothes. Why did I want to move again? I still don't know how I feel about this...
when I hear it nothing's wrong
when I hear it I sing along
naive to the world outside your door
two strangers here and nothing more
the world seems right within this place
everything in time... In space
all things align in that moment
I feel alive...
In your eyes everything seems so right
I wish I could have stayed lost in that night.
by~me
Things are well. I guess I didn't get fired though honestly I'm still confused. I asked the manager if I was fired and said he didn't know that he hadn't heard. I don't know...
I'm almost completely out of my apartment with exception to my bed and clothes. Why did I want to move again? I still don't know how I feel about this...
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