I meant to tell you I changed my blog address

but I didn't :)
will I ever look at you like I look at anyone else... your bright wide eyes and beautiful lashes that frame those meadow colored eyes like the shore frames the ocean... your childlike smile and the way it makes your sophisticated serious face turn into that of a child just being told he's going to Disney land... the way your very presence commands a rooms attention unintentionally... or maybe it's just my attention... when I look at you I'm not sure what I feel honesty is it intrigue after months have passed... you're still a mystery to me yet I think I've got you figured out... why am I writing about you anyways... aah... why not... fascinating the way you have things down to an art... the way girls crowd around you... and giggle... they way a you connect people who would normally be strangers... everyone else the equation you are what it equals... does that make sense... it does in my head... you've connected me with my best friend as well as enemies... sip your drink... smoke your oh so uncommon brand of cigarettes... overwhelming since of Christmas when you exhale... which by the way I see kids who have no concern with being "cool" smoking... they don't pull it off like you... why because they actually do care about appearances... you don't see that's part of the captivation... not like it was... but still evident... I'm out...xx

To My Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do~a fine frenzy

everyday it becomes easier to let you go...xx

I Wonder...

who were the first two people to have sex?
I'd like to go back in time and find out... i also wonder if sex has evolved a great deal or were people just keeping hush hush about the things we now do very publicly?
either way i think i should like to be a sex therapist in my spare time... do they have a college for that? i think people's outlooks could be vastly improved if they were having better sex...
to quote a dear friend "life is too short for bad sex."
fortunately for me my bad sex experiences have been low...
SEX it's a good thing...

What a shame we all became such fragile broken things...

"maybe he gave up his dreams to help fight for yours"
Looking at old photo albums of my mother from many years ago I wondered when did she give into repetition... she looked so happy so carefree so young like nothing could hold her back... yet at some point she got stuck in this endless cycle... a cycle she has been in for 33 years now... 33 years... can you imagine doing the exact same thing for 33 years... i suppose it would be okay if it were something she loved... but she hates her job... I used to think she did it for me... because she had to support me but she worked there 11 years before i was even born so what happened? when did she wake up and say this is it i may as well make the best of it? she had dreams at one time... she was going to be an architect... when did she let go of those dreams and give into the "reality" she's live for 33 years... I just don't understand it... my mothers an intelligent woman she could have been the greatest architect we've ever seen if she hadn't given up... when does life get so hopeless for a person that they give up... is that why she has pushed me so hard...
I'm almost done with GMC and still no closer to deciding what's next... another college I'm sure... but for what? there are endless possibilities (or that's what they say) so what's next? I used to have dreams too and my mother made me believe they were within reach so when did i stop believing? I'm only 21 but 22 approaches with the new year... what then... I know i don't want to work in a factory the rest of my life that's one thing i do know... is it wrong to say I'm to intelligent for most people's realities... i suppose so... i think everyone has the potential to be smart to be something if they just apply themselves... and then there's people like me who barely have to try to make the grades... sigh... maybe if i had, had to work for it I would know what I'm working for... all i know as of now is I'm in debt at 22 and i have no clue what's next except more debt but I couldn't be happier... all I really want out of life is to be happy... that's what everyone basically wants their version of happiness... I have that... I'm immensely happy... yes things could be very different... like I want to get out of this town... but I'm basically as happy as i can be right now...
There's more to life than this and I believe that will come with time... by god i think I've finally learned the meaning of patience... school starts back the 12th... one more quarter closer to being done with GMC... after that who knows... but it will be here before i know it... i can wait...xx

Perfect only in her imperfections

May 17 was my last update it seems like a million years ago so let me give you the updates...
I'm still in school summer quarter is the fastest only two months... I'm taking bullshit classes for the most part except my American Government class which I actually enjoy... my ethics class isn't so bad because Anderson is in my class again... I can not express how much I love that boy... and then I'm taking a world lit class at night which sucks cause I'm too tired to give it the focus it deserves... I'm bored with this school in general and ready to move on to bigger things... the more I'm in this town the more mediocre I and the people in this town are... I'm bored with pretty much everyone with the exception of a couple of people...
I'm think about either moving somewhere really drastic (Arizona) or going with the original plan and moving to Savannah after I get my degree... I want to go to SCAD... as I've said before... I really just want to get out of this town and away from the people here... so either way you look at it, it's a win, win situation...
So... what else... oh yeah... there's this guy I've been talking to for awhile... since November... but we were only friends... he's amazing... I can talk to him for hours and not get bored... I can talk about nothing and not want to hang up the phone... even the silences that were once awkward are now comforting... I met him nearly two years ago and he has since then moved back home... a couple hours drive away... it's such a shame I mean he's been so good about coming to visit... but the distance sucks... I know if he were here we could be amazing... he's just so easy to talk to... and he gets me... and he listens... and his musical taste is like top of the line... I don't know I haven't talked about him all that much cause like I said we were only friends... but now... I love that man... it's crazy... I wasn't sure I was capable of loving anyone... turns out I was wrong... we'll see where it goes... so far it's been... breathtaking...
So that's pretty much all I have for you today... life is at an odd place right now... but I'm okay...

We all lose it from time to time...

Does is ever get to a point where you don't have to work for what you want? I don't think it does... I think if you weren't born into a life where shit is handed to you (such as a college education) then you have to work (no beyond work...slave) just to try and keep up, and it's not enough because no matter what you do you're not coming out on top. There's ridiculous loans you owe, there's bill collectors at your fucking back every fucking day... constantly rubbing your mistakes in your face... I seriously can't fucking take it anymore... I just want a god damn education that's it why is that so fucking hard it's not like I'm even going to the most expensive college... I settled... why because I was a depressed dumb fucking moron who dropped out of highschool because I couldn't function without medication and I didn't want to be around people... I had panic attacks just thinking about going to school or public for that matter... so I was home schooled by a "christian" program that isn't even accredited by Georgia (little detail they left out) and I had to get my GED which I passed (no shit not like it's hard any dumb ass can get their GED) not only passed but I barely missed any questions... but because of this one fucking mistake (dropping out) I'm having to pay... I lost sight of my hopes and dreams... I was going to be someone god damn it... now... now I feel like I'll be lucky if they give me my job back at Wal-Mart... I am such a fuck up... God... God...(do you even hear me anymore) where are you... why have I had to struggle my entire life while these little dip shit prick assed bitches who have their mommy and daddy give them everything take it for granted... they do... worthless waste of society if they had to work a day in their pathetic lives they would die... people are clueless to how the other half lives... I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but I can barely afford that and i live in the middle of fucking no where it's not like I live in a ritzy neighborhood... I can't do this shit on my own... I'm so fucking tired... and no one gives a damn.... no one's listening to me just like no one's listening to you... we have become the most selfish generation this world has ever seen... worthless... this world has turned to shit... it's all about money and what people can gain from other people... I refuse to be like that... I just want to better myself why is that so hard... I need help... I need some fucking help...I just want to sleep my life away most days especially on days when I don't have school... I sleep... because I'm so fucking stressed(depressed)... and what's the answer to that MEDICATION I'll be damned... I'll fucking die before I'm medicated again that was the worst part of my life... besides I can't afford medication anyways... that's America's answer to everything "we have a medication for that" it's a fucking cover up and I refuse to be numb one more day of my life... I would rather cut every fucking day and feel than be medicated... fuck that... God, I am so screwed... I'm screwed and it's my own fault and I don't know how to fix it... I don't know what else to do... I'm trying so hard... so fucking hard... but nothing helps... no one's listening why the fuck do I bother...I just want to sleep it away until things are better... don't mistake this for wanting to die that's not the issue here... I want to live... I want to live so fucking bad... but I'm so tired... I'm just tired...I'm sorry if you read through all my bitching I'm sure you have problems of your own you don't need to be concerned with me (if you even are) I'm a fucking idiot ignore this post... I just needed to vent and since I usually keep things to myself I thought I would let it out here... I'm the most stupid smart girl I know...xx

This wait for destiny won't do... be with me please I beseech you...

3 more weeks until another quarter is over... the quarter has been one of my favorites by far and I'll be sad for this one to end... I made the Dean's list again and I got invited to join the Honors Society though I have no clue how I got nominated unless my awesome English teacher was behind it. I mean they let you join if you are on the deans list for more than one quarter I heard but I still think she has something to do with it.
Life is going pretty good right now... I have no complaints... everything's going so well.
I went to Savannah last weekend and I've decided I'm going to apply to S.C.A.D. I love Savannah and I feel like I belong there so I'm going to try it out. I know I'm good enough to get into S.C.A.D. either with my artwork or my grades. I have about 3 quarters left until I'm done. Which puts me graduating early next year... it's about time... I wish I hadn't taken that year off and I would be done with this mess... I'm ready to leave here... I hate that I'm leaving my family because they are something I hold in the highest value but I can't stay here... I'm not meant to be in this town... nor with anyone in it... I'm hoping I can convince those I'm truly close to, to come with me... we'll see... I know I'm not the only one dying for a change...
Eh... I'm excited, Savannah rejuvenated me... and it helped me remember an old dream that I think will soon be realized... finally...
Also there's this guy... I don't want to jinx it but I think he's awesome... it took me a while to realize it but I'm realizing it hard... and he's become a very big factor in my life... we'll see where it goes... regardless he's someone I want in my life long term if we're dating or otherwise... We're going to see DEFTONES and I'm freaking excited as shit...

A moment to breathe would be beyond nice...

Money is fucking evil... I hate it and I wish there was no need for it... it makes enemies out of nice people...
Besides that... It's a shame it feels like we're losing a friendship we've fought for, for almost two years... it feels like it's falling to the floor... I have fought with you and for you... and I will continue to defend you... but I have been more than hurt from this situation... you say the fight isn't with me yet you've been rubbing things in my face and being vindictive... and you are not the only one hurting right now... you are not the only one who feels betrayed... and you are not the only one who has given to this friendship... emotional or financial support... yet to read your blogs you act like you are the only one giving which is far from the truth... I don't know your motivation building yourself up this way but it's wrong and I won't do the same to you... I know you have contributed I've said that many times in your defense whether the party involved chooses to believe me or not is her and your concern... and I want no part in this fight anymore... it's ridiculous to involve me... I've done what I can and spoke out in your defense I don't know what else to do... at the end of the day my mother owns the house we live in and she has ultimate say... so if you want to convince someone you should go to her... and talk to her as adults instead of blogging back and forth or leaving snotty comments and texting me... I'm not fighting via text it's immature... pick up the phone or talk to me face to face... you are not a victim... no one is against you... you have not been betrayed... I am tired of being emotionally drained so I'm done with it... I'm stepping out of the argument... you just seem to keep forgetting it's not between you and I and the cheap shots and personal jabs are lower than I thought you would sink... you're not that type of person and it hurts... this fucking hurts... not only you but me... but I'm keeping this private where only you I and her can read it I wish you would do the same... this HURTS... fucking hell... I'm not fighting anymore... I'm done...

I love you so fucking much I would die for you... I would do anything to help you... but I'm hurting... and I don't know what else to do...

I didn't get to kiss you... goodbye on the hand...

I'm trying to be nonchalant... but... I miss you... as odd as that sounds... all I ever wanted was to not be strangers... that's it...

Go Go Freedom of Speech...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3036713/

I'm not saying I agree with his statements or many others people have made through out our time, but if you're going to fire him then several rap Cd's among other things should be recalled. This world is going to be a grim place when we lose our rights to express ourselves and our opinions. Freedom of Speech means just that Freedom to speak as you so choose... not only have they taken his job but also his rights as an American... a right that has been around longer than we've been alive...

I dread the day...

I've never been so alone and I've... never been so alive...

will the drama ever come to an end... I'm tired... contrary to popular belief I don't like drama... some drama is fun... constant drama is draining... I need an emotional nap as emo ghey as that sounds... I get tired of feeling... and then there are times when I don't feel at all... I wish there was some sort of balance... I think I prefer not feeling at all... what does that say about me?

Just a reminder to breathe

back in school... I'm taking earlier classes... I don't like getting up in the morning... it's not really that early it's just early for me... I like my class so far but I've only been back one day so...
My life is back to normal... all the drama is over... for the most part, I like it at times, but then I find it insanely boring at others... everyone needs a little something extra in their lives... I just got more than I asked for... other than that things are well... well enough...xx

There is no future... there is no past...

Updates and Randomness...
Registration is tomorrow... I'm ready for this to be over...
We ran from a stalker in wal-mart i felt alive... terrified... but alive
Anderson's friend Sonny looks like the American version of Jesus
I think I'll be a tattoo artist one day... I have good flow...
I'm going to see Deftones in a few months...
I'm moving into a new house...
My older half brother is the smartest man I know...
Spring break is go...
I don't miss him...
Lamarjorie is my art project...
I miss Joseph...

So there's not much going on I'm in a phase where I just... I don't care... about anything really... I may not write for a while... at least not on here... if you see me around make sure I'm still breathing...xx

Thanks for reminding me why I forgot to miss you in the first place...

you are nothing... you will always be nothing... you will always have nothing... stop bitching about the company you keep because you made your bed now lay in it like the dog you are... you have no regards for other's feelings... only your own... I feel sorry for you... and I feel even more sorry for your wife... and your many delusional friends who think I was the predator in the kill... I was the prey... and you killed me well... you better get what you have to say to me out now because it's going to be awfully hard to hear you from the top... One day I will forget your name... your touch... your kiss... but you... in your misery will remember me until your last breath... you had your chance time and again... because I let you... don't think you could have gotten as far as you did on your own... You mean nothing to me... you were a game... I forgot that along the way... but... it turns out I win after all... so thanks for playing... it was a pleasure... really... karma it the only farewell I leave you with... oh and one more thought... don't tell yourself that I've been meaning to miss you because I don't... what I miss was a lie... and you are a liar... but I knew that all along... thank you for the lessons and other unmentionable things... I got what I wanted from you... and a little extra I didn't plan or want... but I got mine... how does it feel to be used?

And though they say it's possible to me...

I don't see how it's probable
I see the course we're on
Spinning farther from what i know
Ill hold on
Tell me that you won't let go

Is it possible to miss fractions of a person... stolen moments... all we ever had were stolen moments and yet sometimes I want those moments back... not necessarily to relive them... but more to decide if I even want them at all... things have been a blur for months... my head it cloudy... would I have made different decisions if I had, had a little more clarity... I don't know... I won't ever know... because it happen the way it did and at that moment those stolen moments were exactly what I wanted... I got what I wanted... and so did he...xx

Oportunistic Lover

You fill me up to the top
expose every hidden part
I was afraid to show
leave no bend no curve
no place undiscovered
uncovered O. Lover

And I am yours only
for this night
and everything but
the timing is right
shadows dance off your
body in the artificial light
uncovered O. Lover

There's nothing but you
and I and this heat
your words and my signs
are far from discreet
and once again I am
knocked head over feet
uncovered O. Lover

And then eventually
after I've come undone
you fall asleep
and out comes the sun
and somehow
I wish we'd only just begun
uncovered O. Lover

So quietly I leave
before you wake
and the only thing
that I take
is the memory of
a few moments of bliss
and I save for later
a Goodbye Kiss
you're discovered
O. Lover

for you...

Floating away...

in the grand scheme of things you are a dot of nothingness in my life of everything...

I can feel myself slipping away some days... some days all I want to do is run... I know I can't and that makes me feel trapped... all I feel is trapped lately... I don't like feeling like this... not at all...xx

thin red ribbions of freedom
remind me that I'm alive
thin crimson rivers flow
from an unending source
no matter how many times
or how weak my wrist
it's the release I feel
that I can't resist
I hide the scars on my wrists
with many colored bracelets
and the scars on the inside
with this fake smile
this facade I put on for you
so you don't feel anything but comfort
is a lie
I'm dying
and you're clueless
as always

someday I'll fly away...

TripleAOkay

Well this quarter is over... looks like I pulled off three A's... hooray... really... I would kill for a challenge... my advisor suggested taking harder classes but the only think I am horrible in is math (and I can't spell worth a shit) everything else is a breeze... I'll just be glad when I get my associates and can move on to a wider terrain of challenges... I hope... I honestly don't like sailing through... I like the challenge... I thrive off of it... but I guess I should complain there are kids just barely making it... so I'm thankful for being smart... but I don't feel like I'm exercising what I've got... I'm going to double up and take more classes this quarter... see if that helps...
So... spring break... yeah I'm doing absolutely nothing... well if things go swiftly I'm moving soon... this house is too big... I want something smaller... we'll see how it goes... it's nice to have complete control over your surroundings...
I've been having whacked out dreams about things I know could never happen... just insane dreams I don't know if it's my interrupted sleep of the past two nights or what but... my dreams... amazing I don't think the world could handle them if it was reality... more later
...xx

The suns gonna rise in awhile...

I'm going to have to learn to be okay when I hear his name... more importantly when I hear people talking shit they know nothing about... me wanting him is a joke... it was the other way around... he wanted me... I never paid him any attention until a good while after we had been friends... so don't think of me as some poor little girl who had a crush... he knew exactly what he was after and it wasn't mutual in the beginning... I remember early on in our friendship he said he would never cheat on his wife... and I thought him this good person because I could tell even then how much he wanted me... but lust turns good men into the words they swear by... they're still good men... but the pedestal he was on is gone... I suppose the same goes for me I was an angel and I turned into a home wrecker overnight... but I've finally come to grips that the marriage is and was falling apart before I stepped in and it take two people to cheat... I never asked him to get in my bed... I never asked him for anything so get your stories straight... don't make me out to be anything but what I am... I'm no angel but I'm not a home wrecker either... he's doing a good job of that on his own he doesn't need me...

This is the last week of school I have a final I didn't study for in an hour...

I'm not waiting... I'm not waiting on anyone or anything... life is much too short to spend your life waiting on someone to make up their mind... I know that now... I've known it for awhile... I can't depend on someone else for my happiness and I don't... I make my own happiness... I make my own sunshine... I don't need him or anyone else to be happy...

dont let her read this day on my face when i come home

I feel like I'm suffocating... and the temporary moments where I feel like I can breathe, where I feel in general, are few and far between... The only time I feel free or alive lately is when I'm driving which I've been doing a great deal lately, just driving to some unknown destination far away from... I honestly don't know what I've been driving away from or even what or where I'm driving to... I get this way sometimes... restless... where I just want to drive to the middle of no where... I'd like to find a large open field where I can look in any direction and see nothing... I just want to lay there until the sun sets and the stars come out... then I want to lay there the entire night and find some clarity in that moment... I have been busting my ass for some unknown goal since 2004 and I still have no clue when I'll be able to sit for a moment and just be still... have no demands placed on my shoulders, have no worries, no cares, just nothingness... I took my childhood (as short as it was) for granted and I know that now... I think I'm going to regress later in life and have the childhood I never got to have... I'm going to do everything I never got to do... sooner rather than later... I feel old sometimes... I've felt older than my age since I was a kid... I always knew how the real world was... always knew limitations... I just want my hope and faith restored... I don't like to feel like this body is just dying a slow death around me... I miss feeling invincible... I miss feeling like I could do anything... I have more power to do things now and more things in my reach than I've ever had but things seem so far sometimes...
I miss my dreams... I miss feeling... I don't know... I just feel dead inside...xx

the rush takes hold...

Now that I think about it... you probably are really busy I know the moments I have to spare for kill time are few and far between as the rush of the end of the quarter draws dangerously near... when you have a moment... at your convenience... hi... how are you?

I wish you'd stop ignoring me, because you're sending me to despair...

Without a sound you’re calling me,
and I don't think it's very fair
That your shoulders are frozen, cold as the night
Oh you’re an explosion, you’re dynamite

I'm not one of those girls who needs constant validation of my existence but a simple hello in reply doesn't seem like I'm asking a lot of you... no commitment.... no I do... just hi, thanks for the well wishes I'm well and how are you? whether you care to know or not it's common courtesy... but I understand you lead a very busy very demanding schedule which it's why I'm okay with being virtually ignored... but in case you didn't get my message... by some chance... Hi, how are you? Hope you are well. Have a nice day...
God sometimes I just feel _ _ _ _... maybe it's all me, I wish I didn't care but I do... only slightly just as one friend to another... simply that and nothing more... and I'm sorry for putting my feelings on your shoulders without you know but I do care and believe it or not you do effect me... yeah that's me being venerable... it's not going to kill me it just stings a little... I really do hope you are well... I hope that life is taking it easy on you and that you have moments to breathe without the weight of the world on your shoulders and at you're back door... I mean that... take care... be safe...

Oh there ain't no love no,
Montague’s or Capulet's
just banging tunes in DJ sets and
Dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness

Twit-Er-Pate-Ed...

Love is in the air everywhere I look around ;D

it's nice to see people in the first stages of what may bloom into an unmentionable word... what I mean to say is it's good to see you smiling again Kenzie... the big dumb grin has returned...

speaking of returns... I've been talking to another unmentionable party... for brief fractions of time here and there... he seems good though I've heard different... I miss him... I do but I know we can't go back to the way things were... I don't think I could let him in like I did... I was venerable and I can't be like that again... I've got to stop feeling sorry for him when he says things like my life sucks and I know the only relief I'll get is when I die... he made his bed, no one forced him to marry her so he's got to either get out of his situation or quit his bitching and moaning... you can have your cake and eat it to, to an extent but soon the party involved realizes she's being used and cuts off the supply... now either you can turn to the plain old uninteresting cake you wed and accept it or you can find another cake... an interesting rare fresh new cake you don't meet everyday who still can recognize and appreciate the most life has to offer and offers the most she can give in return... wait... pause... what the fuck was that? I honestly don't think I could take him back in if he left her... I think it would be too hard... there are things I miss not to get too graphic... he has perfected a few techniques shall we say but more than that I miss talking to him... but mostly the sex ;) and that thing he did with his well I'll let you use your imagination... I'm kidding (but not really)...

So moving on two more weeks of school... and then a lovely spring break... maybe I'll go on a road trip or something to clear my mind... just drive in one direction until I get tired of driving that type deal...xx

You have to find out what's worth the Risks you take and make it yours...

Nobody could hurt me like I know she could hurt me
but there's nothing in this world that I want more
Nobody could take me to the places that she takes me
Places that I've never been before
With my eyes wide open knowing full well
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall I could break that's the chance that I take
I could fall
Look at me I'm flying, a breath away from dying
Holding on to her and letting go
As I walk across this wire above a lake of fire
And lean into the wind that starts to blow
With my eyes wide open knowing full well
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall I could brake that's the chance that I take
I could fall
Do I hide my heart?
Do I lock my door?
Do I tear it out so it don't feel no more?
No, I risk it all knowing that
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
Fall, fall

Remember when... I haven't forgotten...xx

This is the time and this is the place to be alive...

I think I'm an obsessive compulsive writer...
last night was great... a lot of entertaining people made for a lot of entertainment and laughs so thanks to the ones involved whether you knew it or not you were part of my enjoyment and laughter... not malicious... I swear...
2bcontinued

Yes Please... what more could a girl want... O lover

What's the worst thing that could happen?
We could change our minds.
That seems to be the hottest topic at this time.
We are sitting around in the meditation, dragging, chasing,
Wonderin?whose holdin?
whose got the will to draw the line.
I know you've got something burning up inside,
It's so unhealthy but so good for me, oh!
Said if I didn't know, and if I didn't know,
well if I didn't know that you loved me would you tell me?
Well God only knows our contradiction's to quitting,
is a hate to love relationship thing.
A fire under you is so fulfilling,
I fear there's nothing more.
I'm giving, giving you, the choke hold,
My flirting with disaster is mighty loved.
Ugggh you, you're so bold,
My wanting to kiss you still is not enough.
I'm getting over, all the comments.
I'm feeling statements made by people are nonsense.
I'm getting stronger, by the minute.
And once I slip into position I'll swing you and turn you all around.
You are the sweetest thing I've found since whenever,
You're the only way my time is measured.
You might be the silent type, But your appetizing louder now.
It's crazy how you're killing me.
you're killing me, but I like your
Red top and matching bottoms.
You know the ones, the ones you got on,
Pull them over your skinny self
But don't cover your tattoo.
cause I like to look at you,
yeah,I love that smell on you,
And I got your special place against this face for tasting too.
And I like it natural,
No need for chemicals.
Foggin?
up my senses
You're making me sensless
You're calling it sexual.
And you're going to get yours, my lady.
Might even be today.
And it ain't no thing because I'll be rolling right along with you.
You are the sweetest thing I've found since whenever.
You're the only way my time is measured.
You might be the silent type.
But you're appetizing louder now.
It's crazy how you're killing me.
And give us both a break.
And to give us back a taste
when the way things were before they made the laws,
And to give us both a chance,
But it won't be the last romance cause when the weekend starts the guilty party's on.

Weekend party's over,
Don't stop, let's get closer.
Friday, got cold shoulder,
Monday, got a new composure.
Weekend party's over,
Don't stop, let's get lower.
I won't blow your cover,
Opportunistic lover.
Weekend party's over,
Don't stop, let's get closer.
Friday's mediocre,
Monday, I'm self-exposed now.
Weekend party's over,
Don't stop, let's suppose
I won't blow your cover
Opportunistic lover.
`Mraz

Starved for your affections?

I hate those girls... you know the ones...xx

You always try to be everything to everyone...

Is it so hard to believe that the person that you're staring at is me?

I can't be that girl... I'm not that girl... I'm not who anyone thinks I am and no one really knows me... not my family... not my friends... you think you know me? you have no clue what runs through this brilliant mind of mine when I'm smiling at you...
I can't be everything to everyone... I feel like I'm living two very different lives sometimes... one meets up to my families expectations and is the good little girl I lead them to believe I am so they sleep easier at night... but then I'm this very different person... this creature of the night as cliche' as that is... this girl who breaks all the rules... but who made the rules... these generic rules who says the rules that are right for you are right for me? As long as my actions aren't hurting anyone why should you be concerned... for instance I have to hide my tattoo my tiny tiny tattoo and my tongue right around my family... not all of them mind you but a few... I hate that I feel like my tattoo is a part of me... but it's so much bigger than the tattoo... so much bigger I'm hiding an entire person... I'm not the goody goody they think I am... but that doesn't make me a bad person... why can't they just accept me the good and the bad as I have them... Yes, I had an affair with a married man, do I feel remorse? regret? no and honestly I would probably... no I don't guess I would do it again... but I still feel no guilt about it... does that make me a bad person? No... not in my mind... and now I'm sleeping with someone else, yes I care about him a great deal but I know as well as he that we are nothing but friends... this upsets my mother a great deal because she thinks I should be in a committed relationship before I have sex with someone... I don't mean to upset her and should a committed relationship come along in the future I'll take it but that's not what I'm after... she's like why is he going to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free... honestly the cow isn't for sale currently but the milk shouldn't go bad or go to waste while she's not... I wouldn't sleep with a complete stranger I do at least care about the two men I have slept with... I do consider them good friends... what's so wrong with friends with benefits? ah I don't know it's 2am things are running through my mind... If I'm okay with the fact that he and I are not in a "relationship" then everyone else should be too... I'm not hurting anyone... I'm just enjoying moments... why can't you be happy for me? why can't you be happy that for once in a long time I am happy? I'm not a bad person... I'm not doing anything wrong... I'm simply living to the best of my ability and that's more than I can say for the majority of the world...

I've never been so alone
and I've...
never been so alive...xx

Attraction? reaction...

bound and broken
fears unspoken
life is rushing
into nothing
this is it
is this it?

So life is still going swimmingly... The days are getting warmer I'm so happy... The cold was starting to get to me... We went to the cemetery the other day me kenzie and Anderson... I missed him he's such a sweet guy and so much braver and wiser than I ever gave him credit for. We talked about his issues, my issues life in general. He's in college but doesn't know why he wants a job where he doesn't have to put much effort we not effort a job that doesn't require a lot from him. I suggested he be a tattoo artist... but... he can't draw to save him life so... I think he should be an actor he's amazing in our theater class but he doesn't give himself enough credit.
I like this acting thing... it's like a big game where you're trying to convince people you're someone you're not... I enjoy it... too much... Sometimes I like to pretend life is a game that way I don't take things too seriously... I used to... but now I realize things are going to happen with or without my control... so monologue I have to have memorized and recite tomorrow... it's rather nice... from American Beauty (amazing movie) I'm just going to leave you to contemplate a bit of it that hit home for me...

I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... You will someday...

I opted for doing this monologue rather than the one she picked out for the females which was from Legally Blonde ewe She hasn't been giving the girls much depth... I think it's because like out of the 6 girls I think it's six only two maybe three of us don't fit the typical girl persona... I have a little more substance don't get me wrong Reese Witherspoon is an amazing actress but not for me... so yeah... I went for the harder one... always have been one to show people up...xx

Memories like Embers keep us warm

Sometimes it's self-inflicted...

You don't need the sun to make you shine...

I'm not losing my childlike wonder or my ability to learn new things... I refuse to grow old regardless of my age... pulling an all nighter...decided to post again I didn't really feel like picking up where I left off so... why for the all nighter? no reason really... do I need one?
So about learning and growing but at the same time keeping that childlike peter pan complex but also at the same time knowing when to be mature but still being able to discover something new and light up like a child at Christmas... it seems like a good mix... that's what I'm going for...
I want to learn from everyone I encounter. I've decided to become a professional protege. I hope it works to my benefit because that requires me to put a lot of faith and trust in the people I want to grow from. I read a quote on a wall one time that went something like, I am not myself I am a combination of all I've encountered, all I've learned from and all I've loved. I have taken pieces of them with me and molded myself into this person you see now. (I may have butchered that but you get the idea) I was thinking about it... a lot... and the more I thought about it the more I realized I wouldn't be who I am without the influences in my life. I'm a hell of a person so I would like to thank them all not individually because frankly that would take more time than I'm currently willing to offer... my eyes are tired... my mind is wired... racing... a million thoughts at once... I hate when that happens when I'm alone... I can't get all the thoughts out sometimes with out being provoked by an individual on my intellectual level... where can you find one of those at 5am? they need a mini mart for those...
she sang a short tune da... da da da da da... I came from her soft touch...
anyways... why do these things have to have titles... I'll tell you a secret I haven't thought of one yet... I usually use song titles or lyrics I love... got one which coincidentally has nothing to do with this random arsed post... I'm out... I sure hope I can get into some trouble this weekend I'm feeling slightly devious...xx
one more thing quotable quote: "I'd hate to have to be provoked to kill someone... it's not enough to beat their ass cause they could come back and stab you but if you kill them they're defiantly not coming back to stab you."

Trade Passion for Understanding...

In my sociology class we've been discussing many things I find fascinating such as how different races are viewed cultural differences and so on. Today we were talking about if all races treated equally... an old argument but still an argument. I think our generation is the most understanding and accepting generation so far but I think in turn that a lot of us have traded our passions for understanding. Let me see if I can make this make sense... People used to fight so passionately for things they believed in, they used to rally and revolt and fight with all they had no matter what obstacles held them back. There were amazing people who were brilliant thinkers who were outspoken and lead others who shared their beliefs against obstacles. It seems like my generation hasn't offered anyone like that (etc. Martin Luther King) I guess it's because we're still so young but I feel like a lot of times we are pushed to the side and our opinions and thoughts get muted before they've really had a chance to stand. I know there's still passion out there whether I agree with the fight or not I just wish people from my generation were more passionate and outspoken. We've changed so much through out the years but at what cost? Are we losing the passion our fathers before us had? Even if the fight wasn't just at least they had the guts to speak up and be outspoken. There are so many things going on in our nation that I don't agree with and at the same times some things I do... but sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't really matter in the big picture and I think that's a universal feeling among my peers. We're thinking why stand up and fight when we're just going to be pushed aside. I think our time will come and it will come sooner than our elders think. If they were smart they would have my generation be more involved and not push us aside after all we are the future. We will be the ones who one day take over power. I think most of us are more than capable but I look around sometimes and think wow, these kids have no clue about anything other than their self-centered world. Those kids are giving the brilliant minds of my generation a bad name. I just wish my generation were more aware. I think it my generation might not be as understanding and accepting as some think... I think the majority of us just don't care... It's not the same thing at all...
Another thing while I'm on this subject this is already a long post but we talked about racism... Racism... I have a guy in my class from Pakistan and he gets dogged on a daily basis by the cadets. I think all these black people (and I don't mean to sound racist because it's very conditional) need to walk in his shoes. They have no real clue what racism is anymore. But he lives with it daily. The racism of their African American forefathers is not the same as the "racism" they bitch about today it's not even close. It barely exist at all for them yet it's been my experience that they are quick to throw the race card around as if they were the ones who earned it because of their fathers misfortunes. If we truly want racism to go away... to be continued...

But when you let me in its like a thousand Julys...

God the seasons are moving so swiftly and then again they seem to stand still at moments. They stood still for me earlier today. As I drifted in and out of sleep, looking at the clock those garish red numbers that keep things from being chaotic. I watched as the minutes passed like days, his breathing the only noise to block out silence. The sun shinning through the blinds dancing with the shadows... for a moment I swear time stopped... nothing moved not he, not I... it just paused... It was a nice moment, not just because of him (though he was a key role). It's odd at how moments of our lives intersect but we see them completely differently how time is different for each person. My morning, my night went in slow motion... how was it for you? My days the past week have been going in slow motion... I like it... it allows me to really take everything in absorb everything from the moment before the moment has passed. For instance my stroll to class... a light breeze, the warm sun, pulling my jacket to me for dear life, smiling and making eye contact with every stranger that passes me by... hearing sounds all around... life all around and at the same time hearing nothing at all... these are little things I took for granted things I missed in my rush to get to class on time... now... I don't rush not matter how late I am... I take everything, everyday in...
time really is a man made thing... and I have have made myself an infinite amount of time... we've become so accustomed to our daily routines that we forget that it all comes together in the end whether you were late or not... it moves... take it in... take every moment in... remember how to use all of your senses... if you have to think about them individually take it all in...
warm skin on warm skin, the music in the background, his breathing, the taste of the Malibu going down the back of my throat or his kiss, the warm smells... last night was a symphony of touch and taste and sound it sent my senses into overload and I took every bit of it in... processed the moment into memory... I thank you for that... I'd like to find you again...

[AdultSwim] on Mute...

Playslist of my Recent life: (or if you're interested in what's on repeat in my mind)
Minus the Bear-this ain't a surfin movie
Boy in Static-Bellyfull
Deftones-Cherry waves
Evanescence-Cloud Nine
Number one Fan-There went the world
Meg and Dia-Monster
The Hush sound-Wine red
Team Sleep- Ever Foreign Flag
thanks for the influence...

In my nervousness lately I find myself laughing yes for no reason... I'm just insanely happy... Things are going great and I don't know... I'm running on very little sleep today so this may be a short post... Brantley and I are back talking I'm glad because I don't think he's a bad guy the argument was mediocre at best... Hayden had the audacity to call Kenzie and ask for me. He wanted to know if I was seeing anyone among other things. To which I replied I'm seeing many people... on a daily basis... he asked if I was happy... I'm more happy than he'll ever be and in that fact alone I find even more happiness... which is not like me... guess I have some hard feelings towards him still... I want him to be happy just not as happy as me... does that even make sense... so I told him I didn't think my life could be any better at this moment in time... I'm not lacking anything... I feel safe, I feel comfort, I feel love, I just feel this wide array of positive emotions and I know it's going to last... because it's all at how you look at things... living in the moment is the best life changing decision I've made lately... sigh... I'm happy... only one thing could make it better at this moment... Malibu Faeries... that's right if you've never encountered these goddesses I suggest you do soon... ;-) just make sure you're with the best company when they are around... they're sneaky...
Anyways long weekend was lovely... many things have been lovely recently... hope you feel the same...xx

All apologies...

I now know what a fraction of regret feels like and what scares me the most is it was my fault... I knew you were intoxicated I shouldn't have left you alone for a second but I was scared and I didn't know what to do because I was intoxicated as well. I didn't know what to do... I'm so, so sorry you have no idea how much. I shouldn't have left the room. I should have made you get up and called a cab anything but what I did. I went out of the room laid on another bed in another room and cried. I was so scared. I've never been that afraid in my life and you were incoherent and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to leave you but... I don't know what I was thinking... I am so sorry I am going to blame myself for a long time. Seeing you cry like that coming back in that room finding you like that... I feel so guilty. I should have known better. I should have gone in there sooner. I should have done something... I know you said it's not my fault but I'm your friend and I'm supposed to protect you. I'm supposed to take care of you when you can't take care of yourself and I feel like I let you down so much... God, I let you down... I promise it will never ever happen again. I'm not leaving you alone again... I hope you can forgive me... I hope I can forgive me... I just... I feel so stupid... I'm sorry... God, I'm sorry... It's not your fault... it's not your fault at all... I just didn't know what to do... I messed up and I'm so so sorry because it hurt you... God, I'm so stupid... I should have known better... I'm sorry... it won't happen again I promise you... I promise... I'll take better care of you... I swear... I'm sorry...xx

I heard those stupid people talk about you again

I just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad
Their simple minds just cannot seem to understand
You are neurotic and depressed
It doesn't mean that you are sad

Once again because it seems I keep having to validate my happiness let me say one more time for the record and for those who didn't hear it the first time. I AM HAPPY. I am so fucking happy I barely know what to do with myself.
However, that doesn't cover up the fact that I lost my first battle with love. I guess I'm supposed to act like it doesn't bother me, act like I don't give a shit that he abandoned me like every other man from my past. Smile, so I don't inconvenience anyone but, that's not being true to myself. In truth it is still something I'm dealing with but I'm not sad. I'm depressed there is a very big difference. I'm not going to kill myself the second I'm out of your sight but I'm also not going to smile and be happy go lucky 24 hours a day because you feel like I have no real reasons to cry. I can cry god damn it and I can lay in bed all fucking day if I so choose I did that when I wasn't depressed. Laying in bed is something I enjoy doing... I like to lounge I like to be warm and comfortable it doesn't mean I'm secretly plotting how I'm going to fling myself into on coming traffic. (on a side note if you're always around because you're scared I'm going to cut myself, your tactics aren't working because we both know if I want to cut I'm going to cut irregardless of your physical presence. I know I shouldn't but we all do things we shouldn't.)I'm not as far gone as you think. I'm okay really... I need some recover time... if it takes me a month if it takes me 6 months I was in love with someone I thought loved me back (my delusion) and now it is over I can have down time if I so choose. I can sleep all weekend I can go a day without eating I did that before... I love you with all my heart and I promise I'm going to get through this... you don't have to worry about me, you don't have to put me first... Think about where I would be if I didn't have you... I would make it on my own, granted it's not the healthiest way but I would have made it... don't get me wrong I thank you for your help and yes I do need you, you have helped me so much... but don't be my crutch because there will come a time when you won't be able to be there and I will have to make it threw whatever I'm dealing with on my own... I've said it once I'll say it again be my friend not my momma, because I already need you more than I should sometimes and that's not fair to either of us... live your life don't let me hold you back because I'm going to be fine with or without you... though I would prefer with...
I know my "relationship" was nothing like yours I wasn't involved for two years and hell he was never completely mine but you have to keep in mind that this is the very first time I have ever been in love... ever... and I need to recover... so give me time... I'm not asking you to understand I'm asking you to let me deal with it... I promise I'll get back to normal I just need to sit things out for a bit...
I love you... always... and I thank you for everything you do and continue to do... you are one of the most stable, constant things in my life and I thank you... you are an amazing friend but I need to work this out in my own time... so let me...xx

You raise your eyes to mine...

I was hurt yesterday but the more I think about the more I realize I don't give a shit...

So in class today I got a major ego stroke. I'm now a director and my teacher gave me the two best actors in the class. My buddy Andy said it was because we were the cream of the crop in that class. I asked why the teacher thought I could direct to no one in particular and Andrea (the best actress) said it was because I was an amazing writer. I wrote a script for a project and then I got to choose who acted in it I chose her and a guy named Bragg (best actor) They did it justice so I guess the teacher thought we should work together again. I don't know her motivation but I'm honored that so many people in the class think so highly of my abilities. I'm supposed to be a dictator director but so far I've let them throw in their creative ideas. It's fun. I think it might be fun to be a director in the future. I honestly would like it more to direct music videos so maybe I've found an outlet. This is something I really enjoy... hmm...
But yeah it's a beautiful day and I've decided not to let people get to me. Especially people who have absolutely no room to talk... Case in point... jealous of me being in school? I've jealous you already have your degree because the government paid your way. I should already have my two year by now. So stop being a prick assed bitch because you've had shit handed to you as well... g-sauce... oh and also while we're on the subject I'm jealous that you have a wonderful girl who would give you the world... and you are too fucking blind to see... She's not only the best you'll ever get she is the best there is to offer... if anything she is the one that deserves better... she deserves better than you'll ever be able to give her until you grow the fuck up... so continue to pitch your little fits you're the one that looks like an idiot... Some people feed off of self inflicted drama (I would know) but she doesn't deserve it. She cares about you... and you are a prick assed little punk... fuck you my friend...

Sorry got on my soap box I just don't like my friend being run over and what makes me really mad is that soo soo many times I have taken up for the boy and he wants to talk shit about me. Well you just lost a friend in me... I'm no longer on your side... and I won't be taking up for you anymore... I get what she's been saying all along and it took this to open my eyes. You have no right to act like you know me or say anything about me... do yourself a favor and forget my name or that you know me because I've done the same... no wonder you can't last three months...xx

When I said good morning... I was lying

I was truly thinking of... how I might stop waking up...

This post is going to seem random but I have some things to say and since I can't say them out loud to you or anyone else here goes.
There are things I choose not to talk about because of this I have given the image that my life is one to be envious of. It's called a facade... a delusion of a life that I've made up.
I don't talk about things in my past so freely as some. I don't talk about things I'm dealing with now so freely as some.
I don't talk about how my father broke ever promise he made to me. How even on the rare occasion I got to see him when I was little he was too preoccupied to spend even 15 minutes with me. I don't talk about how I used to have to hang out with one of his sluts of the week because he made plans he couldn't keep. I don't talk about his drug induced fits where he would tell me I was nothing that I wouldn't amount to shit, where he denied even being by father, when he told me to kill myself because I was nothing but a burden.
I don't talk about my step dad physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me. I don't talk about him beating me and telling me to stop crying or he would continue and did. I don't talk about the time he tried to choke me to death. I don't talk about hiding and crying in my closet. I don't talk about crying hysterically unable to breathe until I passed out. I don't talk about that man alienating me from the only stability in my life. I don't talk about us being trapped there because we felt we had no where else to turn.
I don't talk about my step sister treating me like shit.
I don't talk about school, and what lead me to drop out of highschool. I don't talk about kids threatening my life and my cousin because he was openly gay. I don't talk about how when I did try to come back all my friends or the people I thought were my friends wouldn't talk to me. I don't talk about how jealous I was that I was more affected by them than my cousin was. How he seemed to have the perfect life while I was falling apart.
I don't talk about my family black sheeping me because I accepted him. I don't talk about all the times I wasn't allowed to talk to any of my family outside of my aunt and mother. Not even my cousin.
I don't talk about punching walls I don't talk about cutting myself which I still continue to do. You wouldn't believe how often I used to and how it's still one of my demons.
I don't talk about being medicated. I don't talk about going to see a psychiatrist every other day. I don't talk about almost being taken to Macon psychiatric and lying about not being suicidal so they wouldn't take me. I don't talk about trying to kill myself twice. I don't talk about wanting to run away. I don't talk about trying to run away.
Why don't I talk about these things that haunt me daily? Because there are people that are ten times worse off than me. I am thankful that is all life has thrown at me. Forgive me for not wanting to put my demons off on you. You make think I make myself the victim but I could not control any of the things that happened to me which is why I starting cutting in the first place.
I take your cards I listen but I never put all my cards on the table. I have had to fight my entire life and if you think I've got it made if you want this life these memories these external and internal scars then by all means you can have them. Before you jump to judge how about you grow up and get a fucking clue. This isn't even the half of what I continue to deal with. You can have it all. I would trade you in a heartbeat. I would trade with anyone to not feel the way I feel sometimes, even if it was worse because it wouldn't have to be my personal burdens.
I'm sorry that for once in my life it seems like I'm getting a fucking break... you have no clue... and I doubt you ever will... Why? because you know what I want you to know and nothing more... which makes it appear that I am all sunshines and rainbows but all you are seeing is the surface my friend and beyond that is a silent storm you couldn't even begin to handle... you want this life? are you jealous? you can have it all... everything...

Be Mine...

To all the lovers not just one's who are bought out by an idea of a thing that used to be pure and true. I hope that you have a wonderful day. As for me it's just another day not because I'm single but because I don't need one day a year to let the ones I love know I love them with cheesy over priced gifts. I would much rather give a gift on a day for no reason. My love is constant and it surrounds the people important to me on a daily basis.
However if you don't know I love you... I apologize because you mean the world to me. Each and everyone of you serves a major purpose in my life and I feel so privileged to have you. I love you... not just today but all days. I apologize if I don't say it enough, I just don't want I love you to be a phrase that's over used so much it becomes generic and honestly if I love you it should be something you feel without me saying...
So yeah Happy Valentines days, I wish more people could love each other like people love today then we wouldn't have to buy cards and candy on some set day...
anyways off to more important things...
Always...xx

Point and Click

The Seasons are changing in your heart so will I...

Things are insane right now and I have honestly never been happier in my life... even when I was "with" him. I guess it goes to show you that life is how you look at it and what you make of it sometimes. I've changed my whole way of thinking. I used to think towards the future and not put much thought in today. Only seeing the bigger picture but not the moment. From now on I am only thinking of today, tomorrow will be here whether I like it or not so I'm going to put more emphasis on living in right now. Right now I'm at complete peace with myself and the world. The little upsets are the furthest thing from my mind. I'm looking forward to right now, to today for once in my life and it's refreshing. I'm finished worrying about things I can't change I'm finished second guessing myself and my decisions. My decisions though some may think are wrong are all right in my eyes. I have done nothing I regret (it's helps that I don't believe in regret) I have done nothing that I wouldn't do over again in a heart beat. I am completely happy with everything I have ever done...
Today was beautiful I threw my arms in the air and spun in a circle there was a light lovely breeze kissing my face and for a moment I felt like a child again. I'm going to keep this feeling and take it with me where ever I go... The world is fresh and new and beautiful in my eyes. I've always been able to find beauty in any and everything but today I finally found beauty in myself. God... even in the darkest hour when I feel my lowest there is beauty to be found. I love this world all the imperfections all the wonder everything about it... it amazes me that we can exist in such a vast playground...
I'm rambling... I also decided well... it wasn't all me... I had to tell a secret in class... I said "that I am constantly judging people, deciding if they were worth my time to talk to, constantly nit picking their every move from the way they speak to the way they walk to the people they hang with. It's a constant thing I do subconciously (sometimes not so subconciously) and I think it's because I am constantly judging myself. I am a perfectionist, hard to believe but I used to be a lot worse, so I naturally expect the best out of people (or what I think the best is). Someone in the class said why don't you pick out a positive trait when you look at people and focus on that. Now when I said I was judging I didn't mean it was all negative judgments over half the time it's positive but I do sometime harp on the negative so I thought I would give it a try because I'm not really a negative person (I just like to laugh and people's misfortunes)(and when they're dumb and don't know they're dumb) MaKenzie said I say what people are thinking when they see an unfortunate person instead of keeping it to myself. I'm not trying to be malicious... really... I don't know I love people's imperfections I've said it before and if it makes me laugh well... at least I'm happy with their differently-abled-ness so some joy did come out of them being whatever their malfunction is... eh I don't know I think there is beauty in everyone in this world... it may take me a moment to see it but it's there and I eventually do catch on...
I wish everyone could see the world as I see it even if it's only for a day...xx

I'm the curiosity you're the cat...xx

Continued... pt.2

since several people seem to feel the need to be in my business about my affair (key word MY) here's the stats... the only reason I'm putting it here is because chances are you don't have this blog or knows it's me so I'm getting it off my chest instead of having to explain to you over and over what is and what isn't... and when you ask me to my face... I'll smile and say it's really none of your business from now on...
I had an affair... a wonderful affair that I wouldn't trade for the world, the hurt the tears the laughs anything... It happened for a reason... I'm sure I will figure out why one day... if not like I said before it was a learning experience... I enjoyed every minute of it. I have no hard feelings to the man involved except in the fact that he didn't feel the need to tell me it was over... still hasn't. I'm not even sure if it's over because I haven't talked to him... I thought he being several years older than me made him mature enough to let me know what was going on but instead he has made no effort to make contact with me in a few weeks now. If I have any other hard feelings it's because I feel moderately used... I shouldn't have hard feelings about that though because in all honesty I used him as well... yes i care about him, yes I assumed he cared about me. (not assumptions alone mind you) Will I ever know for sure? Who knows... at this point I'm not really concerned with it because I have other more pressing, more important things on the top of my list. Now to the question I mentioned before "did I want to marry him?" I'm 21 years old I'm not really thinking about marriage with anyone. Yes, he's a good friend yes I could see spending a great amount of time being his friend, years I'm sure but I've already seen how he is at being a husband, who's to say he wouldn't do the same thing to me he's doing to her. Yes, for a split second a moment I thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him but... that's all it was a passing thought...
I don't understand why it is so hard to believe that all I ever wanted from him is exactly what I got... I rarely put thought past our temporary moments and when I did I was grounded back to the reality of the situation by his band, and him leaving going home after our encounters.
In short it was fun while it lasted, I hope that I get a friendship out of this... though it doesn't seem possible...
I got caught in the haze for a moment but now I know that, that was not and is not who I am. Once again I want more out of life than he could ever hope to give me. Yes, it was nice to be happy for a moment but I can be happy without him just as well. I've got to learn to not depend on someone else for my well being and happiness a tough lesson learned but I get it now loud and clear...
Stop asking me about him... from now on I will let you know what I want you to know and nothing more... you weren't there you don't know him or me... you are an acquaintance I honesty wouldn't consider you a friend... had I not known you most of my life. You are not someone I would want to associate with on a daily basis and I thank God I'm not forced to. I love you, I care about you but I wouldn't have chosen you to befriend of my own free will. At this point I only speak with you because I feel bad that we've grown apart. You were nice for awhile until I discovered there are people out there I feel more of a connection with. We are two very, very different people and sometimes I wish you would stop talking to me all together... you talk about things you have no idea about... not the first clue... when you can grow up, perhaps move out of Mommy's and daddy's house and get some real issues besides them not buying you what you wanted that hour then when can talk... when you realize there is a big world outside of your stupidity maybe we can have a meaningful conversation for once... I hate it's come to this but I really can't stand you and you are the epitome of everything I dislike... a spoiled, selfish, stupid, immature, clone of a princess... get your own opinions, get your own life stop living threw everyone else's... maybe I'm being mean but sometimes I wonder why there are stupid people in this world... I guess so I realize how smart I am and so I can have someone to laugh at... not all stupid people that would be cruel... just the ignorant ones who don't realize they're morons...
To be continued...

The End of (a) Season(s)

Contrary to popular belief... I'm really okay...
One of my seasons has ended with me... I'm fine I assure you. Yes it hurts, yes it hurts worse than anything I have ever felt in my life but I knew it would end... I just didn't know when. It's a good thing though because we would have eventually gotten caught so it's better off this way. I got the question, "but didn't you want to marry him, or be in a relationship with him," first off to the moron who asked... he's already married... and you my friend are delusional but I've very much realistic... What happened between he and I was a temporary learning experience that I enjoyed but I know I have to take it for what it is/was... I honestly don't like to look that far into the future anymore... there's no point... anyways i have to be off I'll continue this later...
seriously to the "friend" that continues to bombard me with questions that are none of their business... please grow up or I think I'm going to have to discontinue our friendship... I wish I'd never told you...

Stranger

For a Moment would you humor me in believing that you still read my words? Give me a sign...

It feels like everything is all right in the world...

I wish this feeling could last...
in the back of my mind is my past my future
in this moment I am fully in this, just this
just being... feeling everything from his lips, her skin, the air dancing off my body.
there is nothing, there is everything...
everything feels completely brand new
like a child seeing Christmas lights for the first time
and at the same time is feels comforting and familiar

things are going to be okay regardless of the people who waltz in and out of my life. the things that are constant will pull me through... these things so many things and yet hardly enough are the moments i live in and for, they are the seasons that grace my life they will come and go but they are constant and in that I feel comfort and in that I feel hope...

things are what they are... we are who we are separate, together, perfection... you can't make them out to be more than what they are just like you can't make someone into who he or she is not, but you can take those moments, those seasons and learn from them...

this season feels nice I know it will pass like others before but in this moment I am in it and I feel at ease...

well the rain keeps on coming down

it feels like a flood in my head...
and the road keeps on calling me
screaming to everything lying ahead...

So life... updates....
Things are well off... I'm loving school thus far I'm can't believe I'm nearly a month in... insane how time flys...
Life is like a haze right now... it's odd it's like going from place to place and remembering the place but not how you got there for lack of a better description. I'm remembering moments but not the entire picture. It's hard to explain but if you've ever felt this way you know what I mean.
I feel stuck I feel like things are moving as fast as I would like them, with school, with love, with many things. I'm not trying to rush life I know it's short but there are things I wish would progress and it seems they have decided to stand still.
I always knew in the back of my mind it wouldn't be enough to keep me satisfied but how many sleeps until we can talk uninterrupted? how long until there's no one else but us for a few moments? it's driving me mad not know what certain parts of my future hold... I'm not saying I want to know everything... because I don't I like a little surprise every now and then but there are questions I need answers to... but I'm too afraid to ask... time holds answers I know but patience is not something I'm waiting around to acquire so I've got to just deal with this uneasy feeling in my stomach... until the water is clearer....
again nothing set in stone... I'm not holding on to something unrealistic I'm not holding on to anything really... if opportunity arises I'm taking my chances... he is. however, in the back of my mind always...
one week... to be exact... and and nearly a month since I've crossed any lines...xx

And there it goes, my last chance for peace

you lay me down, but I get no release...

Well, I've never been so happy in my entire life... I finally got fired/quit the job I've hated a year and a half and after a year and a half I'm back in school... every thing's going great... I guess... If I've never been more happy then why am I so miserable? I should be ecstatic... but I'm not... I'm happy on the outside, I'm smiling, but something is missing. Something feels off. odd... I don't know if it's because I'm flat broke or what. Honestly I would rather be broke then work another day at a job I hate... So what the fuck is wrong with me?
My first week of school went smooth. I think this is going to be an easy quarter. I'm only taking three classes I wanted to take it easy my first quarter back plus I would have been working. If I had known I was going to be jobless I would have taken on more classes. Then again it's not like I can afford the classes I have. So far I have no financial aid. which is a joke in itself. I can't get HOPE until I have one more quarter. Why? because I was home schooled my last two years well almost three of high school and had to get my GED therefor I have to prove myself before I can be eligible, as if three quarters of being an A/B student weren't enough. It doesn't matter one more quarter to go and a lot of my stress will be relieved I just have to make it until then.
What do I want to be "when I grow up?" no clue... I know I want to write, I know I love art, I know I want to help kids who are going through what I went through growing up. I'm thinking about being a high school guidance counselor. Just brainstorming really... There's so many things out there I want to do... Sometimes being smart and having talents feels like a curse... Eh I'm too critical of the the generic goal orientated criminal justice, pre-nursing major kids, at least they know what they want or what they're capable (or not capable) of accomplishing. more than I can say for myself...

I have a lot of free time... haven't had that in a while... honestly... it scares me...xx

Point and click...

Sometimes we deny feelings we don't understand or are afraid of. Sometimes we don't act on things we really want to act on because of this fear. I feel your fear... do you feel mine? There will come a day when these games we play won't be enough... one of us will be restless and want more... change is going to come... I feel it... Do you? What do you want from me that you're not getting from her? She can give you everything I can so why wonder/wander? What's the point of all this? It's not physical... I find it hard to believe this is just physical... am I meeting some emotional void? and becoming colder in the process? so many unanswered questions... I can't ask... for fear of the answer... don't ask... don't tell... but this self inflicted blindness leaves me at a disadvantage with you... on one hand I'm not prying, on the other I'm clueless... do you think I want more from you? if so how can you look me in the eye, kiss me and leave me in this state. You changed and compromised everything that was me... what did you expect to gain? did you even know? do you know now? make up your mind... before I make up mine...

you're the cat... I'm the curiosity...

No where's home and I'm all wrong...

Do you remember when you were a young child... you'd spend the day playing outside until the very last traces of sun left the sky... then as darkness covered you... you would run home as fast as you could... heart beating fast... barely able to breathe... then as you walked threw that open front door and shut it fast behind you... those feelings vanish as if by magic... your fears of the moment dissolve into comfort and peace... that's called home... and that's what it feels like...

I remember that feeling but I can't tell you the last time I felt it. I feel fragments time and again. Mostly when I'm with him or with you... You make me feel at peace at ease but it never last... just when I think... I'm comfortable in my stability the darkness burst threw the door... I turn on a lamp but nothing cures darkness like the sun... not even artificial light... Here's where my mind's a wreck... I like the darkness... I like the unknown, the instability but... at the end of it all I still choose... home... it's always a place to fall back to... a place of safety... a sanctuary... a safe haven... sure it's nice to stand out in the rain but at the end of the day the rain won't last and you'll need a place to warm up and dry off... sometimes he feels like that place... sometimes you do... I need a place I can rest completely as ease and peace... I feel like lately I sleep with one eye open... I miss being a kid when the only demons and monsters were in my books, my dreams, my head... where just by waking up from a nightmare turning on the light, pulling covers close, my mom just down the hall was enough to make me brave enough to check the closet or under the bed just one more time... now I'm just sitting on the bed covers close afraid to turn on the light for fear of what I may or may not see...

The sun helps... but it never last... and this artificial light is cold... and no where feels like the warmth of home...xx

here's my fear... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _...