My heart is also in motion...

He's never going to look at me with the same filter on his lens again. I'm not the new and fresh girl he saw. He's not intrigued by me anymore if he ever was. I'm not his escape he's not my savior. I stopped falling into old habits while I was around him that's true enough but after this untimely breakage I'm worse than before. Tragic, tragic the games we play. The hurtful things that pass our lips without thought and at the same time carefully thought out. Still, I don't suppose I would change a thing, being an avid believer of not believing in regret. It happened for a reason. There was a lesson learned and learned well. It hurts deeper than these tears, deeper than these words, and far deeper than the smile I fake around him. Fake... That's exactly how I feel lately. I feel like I'm living a lie. I've felt like this before. I thought I was more myself than ever but he changed me into something I never wanted to be to begin with. I wonder if he realizes just how much I've changed. Can I go back? Am I still the girl I was before? Or have I become tainted by this secret? Please tell me I can go back. Be myself again... How can I go back to being myself when I don't even know who I am anymore?
The sad thing is... I don't know if it was him I wanted... or was it just nice to feel wanted... I know I can do much better, but I never felt like I was settling. We're too different and it was doomed from the start. Then why am I so surprised it ended? Why? I knew it was going to happen. Everything ends... I shouldn't have let it go as far as it did... I was in control until I lost control... I don't know for a moment I believed in faerie tales again. I believed I was going to save him and he was going to save me from myself... Faerie tales aren't real. I knew that. I know that. There is no happy ending for us... There is nothing there that wasn't there before. No music, no magic, no beauty, no love, no taking animals or enchanted castles, no knights on white horses... Just this raw, unmerciful, real world where two beings acted on something because it was forbidden and for no other reason. I can't give you a reason. I should have kept my emotions out of it and I wouldn't be hurting now. Maybe I should disassociate my emotions they do nothing but ruin me. Past experience leads me to believe emotions are something that should be discarded along with the idea of love. My ideas of Love are wrong very wrong. Pre-conceived notions of something I've only ever heard of until now will be the death of me. My expectations of love have been cut down to size and knocked off the pedestal I kept him on. He's not a saint. He's not a martyr. He's just a stupid man who wanted what he couldn't have and got a taste of what will never be. We will never be... and it's for the best. I lost sight of my goals and myself I can do better... but... there's something inside of me that still wants to take him to the top with me. I still think he deserves it... I hope he has the best life he can possibly have. His best isn't the same as my best and I know that now. His happiness is very different from mine.
I'll only look back on this tragic affair with fond memories. He opened my eyes on how some things are and somethings aren't. He woke me up to reality and I thank him for that. He made me feel for a moment and I also thank him for that. This was a growing experience and I have grown... now... I move along... a little broken, a little sore, a little battered but no longer jaded. I will only take the good from this and leave the bad to fall behind me. I stopped in my tracks for a moment. I fell to the floor, dropped to my knees, cried my heart out, set the ribbon of release free but now the wounds are healing my heart is back where it belongs, the tears are becoming more scarce and I'm standing again. I'm standing, I'm walking, I'm moving... my hand is out should you need it... I know you are still on your knees... I may fall again that's true... but I will help you before I help myself so you are going to get through this... never alone... we will walk on stable ground again... we will love again... and we will learn... we will breathe easier... our fake smiles will become real... our hearts will beat without pain with every rush of blood... getting out of bed will be more than just a chore... things will be beautiful again you'll see... as raw and real as this world is there is still beauty.. take the beauty from the breaking and leave the rest... you are stronger than this... and you are not as lost as you think... all you need do is look to the night sky for guidance, look to rain on a hot summers day, look to the peace you feel in our secret place, there is beauty and hope all around us... there is movement.., allow yourself to move... allow yourself to grow... you're broken now but you are not beyond repair... I'm speaking to you... don't let this encumber you... move... not because you have to... but because you can... I love you... I admire you and I will help you as you have helped me... I believe in you... you're not crazy you're not losing it you're not anything negative in this world. I can think of no negative word to describe you or the person you are so don't let this hold you back from spreading your beauty and passion and light in this world.
I'm rambling... you know I think the world of you and I believe I am going to get through this simply because you told me I would... I have faith because of you... I have hope because of you... I am alive because of you... you said I saved you but I think it's the other way around... you saved me and in the process saved yourself... I thank you for your unconditional love... I know what that is because of you...