Life Update

This holding it together thing feels like trying to hold water in a balloon with holes punched in it. I think it's easier when he's not around. I'm honestly in a daze. I'm not depressed. I'm emotional. I do miss him alot but I'm not sad. No, I am sad it's just a different sort of sad. A hopeful sad. If that makes any sense at all. Maybe I'm still deluding myself I don't know, sometimes I feel like a fool. I feel used. I know that was not his intention though I don't know what his intention was I just feel odd. I've never been in this situation. I feel like a kid dropped off at school for the first time kind of abandoned, frightened and just... Confused. We could start with eye contact and move on from there. I think that would be a good start. I still don't regret anything. I still don't plan on it. I don't believe in regret once again. Everything that happens has reason though you may not ever find out why. There is a reason for us.
Moving on...
Got a new addition. She's a cutey. Still thinking of a name. She's an ankle biter but I have hope that one day she'll move on to atleast calves.
Lamarjorie is still living with me. I love it. It's nice to have someone to sleep with. It's comforting in a heterosexual life partner kinda way.
Brantley leaves the 14th only time will tell how this story goes.
what to say what to say.
hung out at the spot last night for the first time in awhile. I was alittle uncomfortable at first.
Michael came to Milledgeville. He's the same but different. I love that man. He's pretty effen kick ass in my eyes.
Oh also I have a "stalker" yeah funny story I'll tell later.
Blitz was fun other than the harassment but honestly I've gotten used to it so I say continue running your fucking mouth you filthy whore you'll get yours in the end I guarantee it. You should seriously consider sweeping around your own doorstep because the shadiness and shit you're doing is on your heals and it's only a matter of time before you get caught in the act. If you hurt him you will fucking regret it until the day you die bitch. Believe me.
Woh went moderately crazy. I'm protective of people I love what can I say.
Not much else really. Going to bed. I love being a creature of the night seriously 10am as a bed time is my idea of a good time... one more day of work and then freedom. Lord get me through this.
Not work I can handle that on my own.
I need a miracle I need it fast I know you're listening. I feel you. Here's the thing I know something is going on I feel that too. Just let me know. I know everything happens for a reason. I know something is about to happen. . . It's a feeling I can't explain like waiting for that first leaf of fall to drop you know it's coming you know more will follow but all you can do is wait. I'm waiting... I'm watching... I'm listening open heartedly. I know things will end up like they're supposed to... I know there's a plan for me. I'm ready... For the first time... I'm ready...

If you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting...

I miss him more than I've missed anyone in my life but I know this is for the best... I'm not giving up on him but I'm not waiting on him either. I'm not saying I'm placing myself completely out there on the market but should opportunity arise I definitely won't turn it down. I've already done that once and I don't regret it but I did lose a friend out of it which sucks. Not that, that was the only reason but I'm sure it was a factor in my mind atleast.
I wish him and you ever happiness in the world and I'm thankful to have know him. I'm thankful to finally know what love is even if it is bittersweet. I've decided to not be jaded by the events that have taken place. I knew what I was getting into before the "relationship" started. I knew he couldn't be mine.
My timing is ALWAYS off but atleast I have learned how to open myself up and how to love unconditionally how to love in general and I thank him for that. He'll never know how much I thank him for that.
He is an amazing man and I hope we can move past this years down the line and be friends. It's all we should have been to begin with. He's one of the best friends I've ever had and I thank him for that as well. I miss talking to him. I hope we talk like we did again soon.
I hope years down the line we'll meet up again and the timing will be better this time. I hope he's happy. I hope he will be happy.
I miss Lamarjorie. I miss her a lot I've been on my own for a week now and I've realized she isn't my crutch. Yes she is an enormous factor in my life but I can survive without her. I just don't want to. I'm thankful for you Lamarjorie more than you'll ever know. You say I helped save you but the truth is you saved me. You've made me so open to things I never would have experienced on my own. I thank you for breaking down my walls and helping me to see the beautiful person I am. I thank you for helping me to see me threw your eyes. I thank you for helping me see how beautiful the world can be. You are amazing. You are everything good in this world and I hope you find your happiness one day as well. You deserve it more than anyone I know. I love you unconditionally and true.
Hope everyone has a reason to be thankful today and I hope everyone expresses they're love and gratitude to the ones in their lives...
Life is wonderful. life is beautiful. life is worth all the pain and hurt because of people like you. you make like easier. you make like beautiful...xx

Will you be there in the end my January Friend

I'm in the market for a new job once again. It's the holiday season and work during the holiday season is hell. I know it won't last but I'm more and more restless everytime I walk through those doors. I used to like my job. I used to be excited about going to work but now it's really turned into a prison. I know it's only temporary but I feel trapped sometimes. Most times... I'm finding more and more reasons to just walk out the door. Tell them to fuck off, but that's not me. I'm not a quitter anymore. Sigh... This blows. I wish I had stayed on dayshift sometimes.
Lamarjorie has been out. I don't know if she even has a job anymore. Hayden has been out as well sick. So I've been alone which doesn't make it any better. If Lamarjorie is fired I'm walking then I'm going to apply everywhere and try to find a normal job. Hayden is leaving as well so there's really nothing holding me there except for the money which isn't so bad but in the long run isn't worth it.
I start school in January. I just have to hold out until then... I can't wait to go back I'm excited.
But yeah not much else going on. Thanksgiving is almost here. I miss my family. I miss being able to spend time with them. This job has taken over my life...

There is beauty in the breaking

I am constantly impressed with life. I was going to post some newer memories but I'm going to save them for later. I realized that even in the hardest moments of my life there is still beauty to be found. Like with my current situation yeah it sucks yes it hurts yes at moments I feel like I'm dying but the beauty in all of it is that I know what love is. For the first time in my life I am in love. I've never been in love and now I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to be selfless and not care about anything else in the world except another's well being. I care about that man more than myself. I would give him anything, do anything. I would die to save him. It's odd to feel so invincible and frail at the same time. I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope. It's exciting. The anticipation the fear the natural high of being so far up in the clouds. There are so many emotions flowing through my body at once that I feel like at any second I'm going to fall. Just fall. The only thing I am uncertain about in this situation is if there's a safety net. Honestly I don't care. I've already gone over the edge. Past the point of no return, if you will. I know there's no going back. The only direction I can go is forward and I'm so anxious to see how my story will end up. Even if I don't end up with him I know what love is and feels like and it's because of him. It's odd how just a kiss can knock your world upside down, change all you believe to be true and secure.
It started out with a kiss
It was only a kiss
I'm awake I'm alive I'm in love... It really is too late for me... I think I've stopped staring at the infinite abyss and finally taken the leap of faith...xx

Hey remember that time...

If it's not one thing it's another I swear but you know what... Fuck it... Seriously... I'm broke all the time... I have no clue what I want to do with my life... My job is shit... But honestly if that's all that's going wrong I really have nothing to complain about... People are dying of diseases we have cures for... I'm just your average broke college "drop out". I don't think there's really any comparison there. So moving on...
Hey remember that(those) time(s)...
My favorite colors were pink and purple
I had a solid white cat with no tail, one green eye and one blue eye who hopped like a bunny and sat like a human
my first pets name was catwoman
I hit my cousin with a lead pipe before I was even in elementary school because he was a little shit and now he's one of my best friends
The first music video I ever saw was a Madonna video
I used to play in my walk in closet because my dad would sleep on my bed instead of watching me this is one of my only memories of him
I used to carry around a little karaoke cassette player when I was a kid
I like gunea pigs I used to have several
I love penguins I want several
We went to the mountains to see my grandmother and toured a cave I thought it would be cool to live there this is one of my only memories of my grandmother
when we built a home from scratch out in the boondocks and I would give anything to buy that house today
we would pull over and rescue turtles on the side of the road and set them free in the woods behind our house (stickered and released)
when Luke and Joseph would jump in Jack the Billy goats cage and make him mad then they would jump onto of his house so he would head but the house instead of them
my dog who was names boobs and would bite any kid but me
that time that water moccasin was in our boat and everyone jumped out into the pond except me
when shepherds pie was my favorite meal ever
when you kissed me behind the bushes in elementary school even though you were seeing two other girls besides me at the time
when I gave you a white rose because I couldn't meet you because I had other plans
when you called me cosmopolitan calico for a few months after I bleached the black out of my hair
when we'd stay on the phone for hours talking about digimon (when I was 15) you were the only other person I knew who watched that show besides me
when you would come to my house and play tomb raider I loved to watch you play you were so passionate about it
when you would come over to see her but end up falling asleep on my bed
us video taping you sleeping
SEA-MENT and PEE-CANS
when I was your glowworm
when you were my panda
Everytime it would rain we would run outside with no shoes on and play in our dirt drive way until it stopped and we were soaked
that time we saw Mr.Freeman even though he had died the day before
when we would play cops and robbers riding our bikes as fast as we could peddle down our paved driveway
when we hung up sheets and lit candles and made our dining room into a Italian restraunt and cooked for you (even though we didn't make Italian food)
the drives back and forth to south Carolina listening to Jason mraz speeding through the city and driving below the speed limit through the country talking to God feeling something bigger than yourself
midnight "prayer" sessions on the baseball field across from our house where we did everything but pray
putting together a trampoline the night before Christmas for Cheyenne and Gunner and getting sick because it was so cold
riding four wheelers until our thighs and legs could barely move they were so soar
push up popsicles on hot summer days
playing in the creek deep in the woods
drinking from well water
playing in your attic
your grandmother from Chili
only swimming at night "final judgment"
making a fort on the back porch and sleeping out there all night
Spells, Magic, being scared shitless
running away to Columbus
Washington D.C. at night the ride there and back
Destin Florida
Charleston South Carolina
Baltimore
Kissamee
sitting on the front row at sea world
driving to your parents house in Tennessee on the spur of a moment to be at your sisters 18th birthday party
when I had an Alice in wonderland complex
when you had a peter pan complex
We all we needed was our imagination to be free
The tire swing
playing soccer in the huge field outside our house
porkcop
Cody the smartest dog in the world
Buffy My Third Aunt
Cochie, Niki, Spanki, Beauty, Dakota, Prince, Shawn, Kal, John, Tinkerbell, Kelly, Nick, Lance, Rocky, Kristin, Precious, Cluney, Ashley, Smokey, Reeces, Alex, and countless other furry friends
running down the hill to recess
when your road used to flood everytime it rained
how you called me bite me and Kelsey radiator face
that time we made that cool book and got caught
when you told me I was so close to being an angel it was scary and I asked why I wasn't and you told me sarcasm was my demon
when I got drunk for the first time at 13 off of daiquiris
playing the heretic
Monkey Island
Loom
Kings Quest
Sonic the Hedgehog
Spyro
when you took me to see hocus pocus because my dad canceled on me
the first time I cussed in front of my mom (I said fuck)
the first time I made a C I cried

Ah old memories the next post will be newer ones. I was just recalling how many highlights I've had in this short life of mine...xx

R/-\ND[]M TH/-\T F[]LL[]\/\/S

Little life updates and such...
played Guitar hero 2 at jeremy's and Beth. I must say I'm moderately impressed. The graphics are better the songs are well the list could have been better but there are several good songs. Not really as impressed with the "unknown" bands so far though and that was my favorite part of the first game. I give it 4 out of 5 stars just the same.
Life life life... I'm still having this feeling of wanting to break out. Break lose. Do something insanely crazy. We bought spray paint. Not saying what our plans are just saying we have plans. I want to misbehave. Haven't pulled any pranks in quite a while.
He still isn't talking to me. Not that it's a big loss his facade is far more interesting that the person I encountered. I found him childish at inappropriate times lifeless more than not and dull except for the few moments when he wasn't hmm better yet when he was himself. I'm sure it's a misconception guess we'll never know. Like I said not really a concern of mine. He's not the only original person in this world.
The "affair" is kind of stagnant at the moment. Kinda slowed down. I don't know. I don't think it's over but it's defiantly on pause, which is good because I needed time to think and I'm pretty sure I have my priorities straight now. Eh we'll see, no use worrying about something I have no control over.
I think we're going to see Joseph Monday in FL he moved down there a month or so ago and he's been begging us to come see some drag show which I'm excited about. Never been to one it sounds fun. I hope we get to go. I need a break from this fucking town and the people in it.
Let's see random, random, random...
Beth's talking about losing a bunch of weight and joining the army. I'm trying to talk her out of it because I think it's a mistake. I support her in any decision she makes but I don't have to like it. I think she feels like she has messed up college and this is how she can redeem herself which is complete bullshit. She only messed up a couple of semesters not her life. I wish she could see she can get back on track if she puts her mind to it just like me.
I'm planning on going back in January I've said that before so I'll believe it when I see it.
Oh I talked to Johnny like the past three days it's weird like talking to a ghost. I missed him. He used to be my best friend. We'll see how that goes.
And also one of my very good friends for a good while Michael is coming back to milledgeville to see me so I'm excited. He's amazing and was an amazing friend at a time when I needed him so it will be good to see him.
Not much else going on. kinda bored with things as a general but the holidays are coming and I know things will be better soon.
I smoked my last cigarette. Sort of. I'll explain later. I'll explain why I felt I needed to quit as well.
other than that not much else to report... Hope your life is more interesting at mine...xx

Here with me

Why do I feel like 80% (that's being generous) of people aren't worth my time?
I'm constantly losing faith in people as a whole. It's not that I think I'm better than everyone just more than the average person. Eh... I need to get the hell out of this town away from these people. Somewhere I can breathe somewhere I can feel fresh and brand new. Somewhere where things still take my breath away at the same time. Contradictions, contradictions...
I need a fresh start but at the same time I want to be close to my friends and family and the people I love. I wish I could take everyone I love in this world and transport them to some deserted island and forget the world. Won't happen but it's a nice thought.
I have three cloves before I quit. I don't think I'm addicted but it is a comfort to have them. Jesus I picked a hell of a time to quit. I'm under more pressure more stress more pain than I've ever been in, in my life and I decide now's a good time to kick the habit. Way to go me. My timing is always fucking off. Always. It's always been this way for as long as I can remember.
I don't know what I'm saying... A vacation would be nice. Some time to travel... In the end all we really have is time and I feel like Mine is slipping away just out of reach. I'm stuck in some twilight zone of infinite repeats...
I've got to break away before I break down...

I fucking miss him and I can't sleep. atleast not any sleep that's worth a damn. He's comfort to me and when he's away it's hard to do much of anything. I fucked myself over with this love thing... if he's happy I can pretend I'm happy... I hope he's happy...xx

Unspoken

This empty bed reminds me that I'm alone...

There are so many things I'm never going to get to say to you I know it. I feel it. When I said I was going to miss you one day I didn't know it would be so soon. I want you to be happy and I said even if it was with her so why am I miserable now? Is it because of your current state of "happiness" or the fact that I know it won't last? Will you come running back to me like before? I honestly don't know if I can handle this roller coaster much longer. Eh life has been so foreign to me lately, so new, so different and for awhile it was exciting. Exciting to finally have a real secret at 20 years old. My first real secret but now I don't know. It's become more of a nuisance. I'm bored with my life as a general again. I guess because it feels like the "affair" maybe ending or maybe it's beginning I'm not sure what I mean. I'm not sure what you mean. All I know is that it's hard to sleep alone unless I'm exhausted and I miss you terribly. God, I'm an idiot. Too intelligent for my own good and too idiotic to realize I can do better? I don't think I can though I honestly think he's one of the best men I will ever have the pleasure of knowing and I only hope it's not over before it has truly began. I've come to grips with the affair. I've rationalized in my head why it's okay to be having an affair. I've just gotten comfortable with it and the shit hits the fan. Fun Fun to be young and single. It's lovely being in the center of this drama... Really... I love being accused of things I haven't quite done yet. I like being in this controversy it makes me feel important when I'm called out by name. So continue talking I'm glad to bring some entertainment to your mediocre, mundane, routine little lives... Really. Oh and hey while we're on the subject of your "lives" (I use the term lightly) when you were young is this the future you envisioned? Guess we can't all be blessed with an important calling but hey someone has to do your jobs I suppose we can very well check ourselves out now can we. Oh wait... We can. Guess you really are useless as you seem.
I'm sorry I'm being cruel. I forget sometimes that not everyone is smart. I just expect people to be on my level. Sounds cocky but I just think higher of people than they actually have potential and often I'm disappointed with the human race as a general. Maybe it's just the back-ass-ward people in this town. I'm sure there's people worth holding a conversation with somewhere.
I'm jumping from subject to subject... Point is a lot of drama went down recently I was "involved" specifically by name and though the storm has calmed I think it's far from over. I can't wait to see how this plays out...
I'm in a non-caring arrogant I'm better than you mood I apologize... But not really... xx

Maybe Baby...

I know there's hope in there
But I wanna walk away
He's says it's bright in there
Even in lighter shades of grey
And though it looks like rain
I'm not gonna cry
As the seasons are changing In your heart
So will I
I will fly

I swear it feels like my life has turned upside down. I feel out of control. It's a good loss of control. It's the kinda control you want to lose. I just wish the circumstances were different, that situations were different. But then again if they were I know I would be completely out of control. I still have a little control. It's my eternally realistic nature. Have fun while you have it cause it won't last type deal. I don't know this has slowly and gradually turned into something more. Something brand new. Something I've never felt in my life and it's scary and exciting and painful and wonderful all at the same time. It's a million feelings pulsing through out my body everytime he's near everytime he's away. It's like I just realized I'm alive. It's like I finally remembered how to breathe. Everything is fresh and new. It's like a constant feeling Christmas. You know that feeling you get when you see lights on houses and trees. Or better yet it's like the feeling you get when you see fireworks. I feel like fireworks hundreds of fireworks lighting up the dark sky. Light like electricity racing threw the darkness. Millions of tiny sparks burning with all the ambition they have. OOhs and AAhs from everyone. I feel like I'm looking up at the empty sky waiting just waiting for that brief moment when everything is light. I'm excited and nervous and I'm anticipating beautiful and it shoots off and it's breathtaking and I'm speechless...
I hope this feeling last. I hope it last with him. If it doesn't I hope I feel at least a small portion of it again before I die because I'm addicted to whatever this feeling is. I always want to feel it and when I don't I'm miserable. I've got "it" (whatever it is) bad.
I hope this season never ends I hope it goes on past it's time. God, I just want to scream out loud. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to sing.
but then... In the back of my mind. There's a girl, a girl who used to be guarded beyond reach who's sitting there saying watch yourself because it's only the beginning of the end. It's going to end. I've let my guard down I'm venerable he could break me at any moment. God he could break me beyond repair. I don't think he knows the power he has and I'm going to keep it that way until he knows his intentions. I don't think he knows what he wants. I only hope he figures it out before it's too late for me. Yes, I'll survive but I'm going to have to have some recover time I know. It's not going to be easy to get over him. I don't know if I ever will.
I'm ending it before it's really begun in my mind. I have hope but I don't want to have too much hope because I don't want to be disappointed. So when he says things like I'm going to pack my shit and leave her, I'm thinking 'we'll see' I'm never, I don't know, too happy about it. I wouldn't be happy, clearly he loved her once and I hate that it's leaving. I once again just want him to be happy, with her, with me, with someone new. I just want that boy to be happy regardless of my feelings. I think I should be more selfish but it's not in my nature.
I don't know I'm rambling on...
God I hope this doesn't break me... xx
I am in _ _ _ _.

Rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons...