What else could I be...

lashing out, lashing out all this time we're lashing out

I have a habit of saying things out of hurt. I've noticed lately more and more this you hurt me I hurt you mentality that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm not a hurtful person it's a defense mechanism that I'm working on disarming but for those of you I've used my words against I'm truly sorry. Bare with me as I work out the kinks because I never meant to hurt you. That was never my intention. Also I give jaded compliments. I apologize for that as well because I think the world of you, but it is what I was taught and all I know. I feel like I could never receive a compliment without something negative to follow. So now I find myself doing it. I don't mean anything by it and I hear myself saying things that I know I should rethink before they pass my lips. It's so hard to filter for feelings when you're so used to being a certain way. And I care I do not for everyone I've said something without thought about but to the people I truly care about I am sorry. You are perfect the way you are though you may not believe me and when I say things jaded things I'm really talking about myself. I think it goes without saying that I am jaded by this world but I'm a work in progress and at least you gotten me to admit this fault of mine so congratulations because before you I didn't really see it as a "fault." I just say what's on my mind and sometimes it comes off harsh and sometimes it seems like I'm not sparing any one's feelings. not even my own...
also while we're admitting faults... I've said some things about people just random people no one I really care for, that are cruel but I wanted to say that nothing I say is ever mean spirited. ever... I see beauty in every single being on this planet... I call it like it is, sometimes that comes off as mean but I assure you it's not. I think people are beautiful and fascinating and I am amazes by how different we are, and how the same we are... so yeah I may laugh, I may say things (once again calling it like I see it, sometimes the truth is painful but everyone else is thinking the same thing I'm saying. Even you... you who doesn't have a mean bone in your body, still find yourself laughing because you were thinking the same thing you're just too nice to say it out loud)(though I think I've broken you of that because you're quick to point out some one's differently-abled-ness)(whatever it may be) sorry for bringing that side of you out because you are one of the kindest people I know but sometimes my dear makenzie we have to laugh at the world. even amidst the laughter though there is beauty... and I thank all the people out there for bringing a smile to my face and your expense... you are beautiful just the same.
I'm going on and on haven't blogged in a bit but I wanted to apologize really quickly to a few certain individuals I may have hurt (or may not sometimes I give myself too much credit) and to ones I know I've hurt so hard as this is here goes.

MaKenzie: I hope you know I'm joking about 90% of the time with you. I've said somethings I had no idea made you feel insecure or I've touched on things you're sensitive about and I want to apologize. I think you're beautiful, I think you are perfect the way you are. Granted I have a thing for imperfections but not in your case because there is nothing wrong with you inside or out. You are one of, I take that back you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I thank you for teaching me how to spread beauty and also for teaching me how to stand on my own. Thank you for knocking me off my pedestal when I need it and for putting me back on it when I fall off. you are a life saver and I think everyone should know you like I do (with the exception of the, well I won't talk about it here but know that Daddy is on a mission to please)(please) you have opened my eyes to so many things and i thank you. I'm sorry if I ever pushed your buttons I'm sorry for annoying the fuck out of you I'm sorry for being a bitch I'm sorry for anytime you felt like you were mistreated by me. We always hurt the ones we are the closest too and I apologize for the fucktard that thought up that logic. I'm sorry... I will be more intuitive to your needs and be more sensitive to your passions... (for special people)(among other things) I love you you know that... I'm working on the jaded compliments... just for you.

Hayden: my dear my dear, I need a deep breath for this and I'm not even saying it I'm typing it. We... how can I put this into words. You're not even going to read this I don't see where it matters. The personal jabs lately have been... painful yet at the same time satisfying... to see the misery in your face, to see you offended, to make you lash out back at me... I don't know what it is it hurts so bad but it makes me smile. That's not who I am. I don't want to hurt you. You're one of the last people I would ever want to hurt but I find myself saying things just to see if I can strike up any emotion in you about this situation even if it is hurt and that's not me at all. I am hurt but I knew what I was getting into which gives me no right to lash out at you. Though I would like to knock the fuck out of you just once (I could never do it) I still love you, I still care, I still miss you. I don't know it's ridiculous to feel this way about this. I'm sorry... for everything I've said. At the same time I hope it hurt because that would mean you care and for that I'm sorry as well. I don't know this post is going to be a book long if I say everything I want to say to you so I'll continue with this later... possibly... probably not but know I care about you and I didn't mean anything I said out of hurt or anger I hope you feel the same way...xx

let's see...

Stranger(R.M.R): I said well wrote several things about you that I didn't mean. I believe you know that because you seem to read me like a book. Recite my lines like a movie that you love... but that's not me at all. You never knew me as well as you thought. What you knew was a girl trying to be something she wasn't trying to be what she assumed you would like (without knowing you) Unfortunately I came off as a stranger even to myself. That girl... I don't know who she was but she's gone. I wish I could go back and just be myself with you. I'm not saying everything was lies and illusions there were glimmers of the real me but for the most part... I don't know her. If by some chance you're reading this... it was a defense mechanism to keep me from getting too close to you. I wanted to know you but keep up my walls at the same time and that never works. I won't make that mistake again. I fucked up what could have been an amazing friendship and I apologize for that. You're not lacking in the friends department so I guess what I'm saying really doesn't matter. I just want you to know... that wasn't me and I'm sorry for everything I said and for the way I acted. It was an act... I'm not who you think I am and that's what I'm sorry for most of all. I royally fucked myself over with you... when I'm wrong I admit it... now I would like to move on and start fresh, be myself for awhile... I'm open to starting over... with no pre-conceived notions no assumptions just letting it all go... if you're open... we'll see where this goes... if not... it was a pleasure meeting you... I was afraid... I wish I could tell you... but I'm more afraid that you won't listen than I am of being strangers... it's hard putting yourself out there when you feel so venerable... go back... go back to when we first met and I wrote those words I actually meant about you... that's how I really feel... that's how I still feel... sometimes I just want to go back... I know I can't... thanks for everything

so yeah that's all for now (there's many more these were just the top of the list) as this list continues to grow... I don't feel like laying all my cards "faults" on the table just yet because I'm still not sure if all of them are in fact "faults" I hope everyone saw this day like I did today because it was amazing... just breathe...xx