The saddest boy that I have ever seen

Get off work about 4 o'clock
And I'm late again
Cause you'll be here by 6:30
We'll go looking for a close parking spot again
Sitting in a room full of believers
Now you tell me what's wrong and what's right
Cause I look over at you baby
And you got your good intentions focused so tight
And now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
To watch these drugs break you down
When there's nothing you can do and no one to get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
What's wrong with a little bit of experimentation
To open the eyes of the new generation
Well build your world on an empty foundation
And watch it all blow away
Now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
To watch these drugs pull you down
When there's nothing we can do and no one can get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
Well I haven't seen you in a while
You know I miss our talks I miss your smile
Cause the look of innocence is priceless
And baby right now you look so lifeless
And now it hurts me so to have to see you go
To watch this song break you down
When there's nothing we can do
And no one to get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
And now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
Watch this song break you down

just a song for the rich boy if you please...xx

people should say what they mean and mean what they say. Why filter your words? What shorten them or change them? I love it when you say what you mean regardless of afactorsers that didn't hold you back in the first place. What changed? Why change? This world would be a better place if people could speak their minds unrestricted...xx

I feel like my conversations with you are like lost translations on repeat

I never said I hated you. It's not in me to hate. That takes too much effort and too much out of me. I'm not that consumed with my "dislike" of you. I don't hate you. I never could... I never will and I don't dislike you either. I just realized that I was letting what you thought consume me and I'm over that part of our "relationship" now I would very much like to move past that and move on.
I've grown a lot in the past month or so and I think you would notice If you were there to notice. Forgive me for my distance but other things have moved into my "priority" (if you will) list. Yes I still read your beautiful words yes I still have the urge to text you just to see if you're all right yes I can't hear a deftones song without thinking of you but no it doesn't keep me awake at night. No I'm not obsessing over you or consumed with you. (though I do thank you for introducing me to some kick ass bands)(never was a deftones fan before you)
I stand by everything I've said about you the good and the bad. I think you are one of the most beautiful souls I will never know. It's a shame but I'm not going to fall to pieces and put my life on pause because of it. As for you playing God... I said myself I thought we were all God to a certain degree. We're all "guilty" of "playing God".
Forgive me for assuming your post was for me or atleast part of it. I do that from time to time. If it was it's a pleasure to know you still read my words as well. If not, I hope you're reading this now, reading my words and I've said all I know to say...
Read them carefully, I'm not making you out to be anything more than you are through my eyes. Not an evil creature, not a "villain" just you. This is my translation of you as wrong as it may be It's still just my translation.
I don't hate you. I'm very fond of you. I would never say anything to your back I wouldn't say to your face. I'm not a liar (believe it or not) just mislead from time to time. I'm not consumed though I still find you enchanting.
And above all I am not as immature as you think I am. Guess you'll never know the real me. Guess I will never be one of your friends like I once wanted desperately to be. You don't consider me a friend at all I suppose just a, mutual acquaintance but I consider you more than that. At least I would be nice enough to say hello, ask you how you were instead of say, flat out ignoring you and not even looking you in the eye while talking to your sister as if you were good friends. That was defiantly mature. I would never do that to you oh and before you go and think "oh she's mad because I'm 'friends' with her sister" think again I could care less who you associate with it's your life. But don't ignore me. Don't pretend like I don't exist, overlook me, treat me like some girl you've never met. At least have the decency to acknowledge that I am a person and I do exist. That's what hurt. That's what made my opinions of you waver. You're not an ass hole you're not a villain but you have you're moments when you are petty and cruel and you know exactly what you're doing. I'm not like that so I don't understand how you can just cut things off. It's odd to me like you're a puppeteer pulling everyone in your worlds strings and it's not going to work on me anymore that was all I was saying. You hurt me, you made me feel like I wasn't a person like I wasn't real... But I am. I'm very real and I am a person with feelings and I felt like in that moment you stepped all over them with no concern for anything really.
So before you throw stones and offer you're advice I think you should remember we all have moments of immaturity, we all have ass hole moments, we all are scared at some point, we all make mistakes and we all feel, even you... I hope I haven't "hurt" you (I honestly don't give myself that much power in your world but if I have hurt you I'm truly sorry) I just want you to see where I am coming from my perspective.
Oh and as for God being busy with you. God is with the ones with most need, be it you, or be it someone ten times worse off than you, either way it's nice to hear you've found him. I'm glad you're chatting. Sometimes I need him but at the end of the day I don't need him nearly as much as some people do.
I truly hope we move past this pettiness and can sit down and have a mature open talk oneday over coffee and cloves perhaps. Until then, I hope you are well... I'm still a friend, on my part, if you ever have need, I wouldn't shut you out. I won't ignore you... we should talk...xx
something you taught me. I do however believe in both and I see both in you...

The world as I see it? The world as she sees it?

Well I should have told you I sold my soul to an angel
I should have told you this world is not my own
I should have wrapped you, wrapped you like a present
I should have gotten to you before you were grown
I should have whispered in your ear when you were lonely
I should have taken you, taken you by the hand
I should have told you you are, you are worthy
I should have shown you, you are, you are a beautiful man
I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
For my beautiful man
I should have told you I would be difficult
I should have shown you the scars on my soul
I should have told you I wanted you to take care of me
Without allowing you any of my control
And I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man
I should have told you I was not good enough for you
I should have whispered I am unkind
And I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to save you from myself
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man

It's a comfort to know that all we are is mutual avoidances

We avoid the truth we avoid people we avoid confrontation we avoid all types of situations. It's very comforting to know that I'm an avoidance and so are you.
Where does this post come from you may ask... Or not... Either way I don't care. I'm avoiding something. I'm avoiding a big something. Something that I know is going to make or break me and I'm scared as shit. I've never been more afraid in my life. I'm not a person who is afraid of much of anything but this scares me with a deep dark paralyzing fear and I have no one to talk to it about so I'm holding it inside and that scares me to. I wish God did do overs. Actually I wish I could ask God for help in this situation but he's stopped talking to me and he wouldn't help me with this even if he were talking to me. I guess I really am on my own with this. I made my bed or un-made it in my case and I have to deal with it.
The truth is... I am ... Jesus I don't think I can bare to write it down...
I am in _ _ _ _, and I've never been so scared in my life. Every minute away from him I'm hurting. Every time I'm near him I'm hurting. So I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do and there's nothing I can do about it.
Praying for her to get in wreck or some freak accident with a fire or something really defeats the purpose of prayer. I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want him to be hurt so her cheating and falling in love with someone else isn't an option either. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do really. I feel so helpless. I feel so lost. I feel like I've made a mistake I can't undo and even if I could I wouldn't. Anytime I'm given with him is more than I deserve.
I know I'm not completely to blame but I feel like this is my fault. I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm being tested especially when I don't think I'll pass. I don't want to pass. My heart doesn't want to pass and my conscience is eating away at me. (at least someone in the world still has one of those)I'm torn. I'm completely lost in this situation.
I'm in _ _ _ _ with a _ _ _ _ _ man...xx

oh yes something I forgot there is another truth I've been avoiding and it's time I came clean about it. I chose him over you. I couldn't "be with" you because of him. He is real. The realest thing I've ever known and you live illusions. I wanted your approval so damn bad that I kept that to myself but now I don't care what you think of me. I want to be real and I want to live a real life the good and the bad. I want the truth, not some delusions I've made up so that the real world doesn't effect me. I don't want to be numb. I want to feel everything this world has to offer. So you continue to pretend you are God. You are only God of your world and your world is getting smaller by the second. Pretty soon there won't be much left. You are on a self destructive path. I thought I was but it turns out I'm on the up and up because I feel. Pain, hurt, happiness, and even LOVE. Love is real in my world and love is amazing. I hope you get to feel it someday for yourself it will vastly improve you're mediocre outlook on life. Be good be safe. I don't care what you think anymore from now on it's what I think...xx

If you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting

I lost it for a minute I swear that boy makes me lose my mind. I don't know what it is. You know I wish I could rewind time and figure out exactly when he started hanging with us. When exactly did the wonder twins become the three amigos again. It's kinda like when Anderson was around only this guy actually has the balls to own up to liking me. Who gave him permission to just weasel his way into our circle. Wait... Is two people really a circle? I don't know when it happened but it happened and I like it... No I love it...
Now there's this new guy trying to join the Amigos. Well honestly he's already a member. Sweetheart named Gary Arnold. I call him Brantley cause he looks like this guy I knew in highschool. He's a sweetie.
So the stats have changed once again I forgot to say but my number one (that was you) is now my number two and my number two who I'm going to refer to as Hayden from now on is now number one and zero hasn't changed and four and five haven't changed.
So Hayden is out of town with his "family" this is really sad because I saw him yesterday technically but I kinda miss him. Only a little though. A little... I miss his big dumb smile. There's a lot more I need to say but I'm going to continue you that on the confessions blog.
just wanted to say I'm okay now... I'm good... Considering...xx

In regards to my last post

I'm not suicidal I just wish everyone would fucking die sometimes. maybe not everyone but the population of this world would be vastly improved if all the idiots and self centered selfish people who constantly fuck people over would all just drive their pretty little cars into a tree and for the ones who can't drive you should run out in front of the car before it hits the tree and for those who can't walk wheel yourselves off a fucking mountain. This world would be so much better if it were missing a few people.

Here she lies a girl in love with the world but alas she was only ever drama's mistress

I have royally fucked myself over this time...xx

I think this may be the end for me
I think it's too late for me now
I think I messed up for the last time
I think it's... over

I'm fucked, I'm fucked, I'm fucked x10 I AM FUCKED. I had borders I had boundaries and I let him cross them and the sad part is I don't care anymore. I don't care that he has a wife. I don't care about that stupid fucking ring on his finger. I used to have morals I used to say that would never be me and look where is got me. Just look . . . Just fucking look at me.
God I thought you never gave people more than they can handle. I believe in you and I believe you are there but when are you going to step in and say "World I think you are fucking yourselves over and it's time to fix your mistakes"
I'm so selfish I can't see beyond my little world of drama I'm getting off subject there are people dying daily and all you have to do is step in and take over. Innocent people are dying and they don't have to be. This is not how the world has to be. You have the power to make things better so why don't you. WHY!!! If God is Love and I truly believe it to be then where are you. I thought I was the one desensitized but it seems you are. You care don't you. You care that people are hurting don't you? I feel like I've lost faith but maybe it's you who has lost faith. Have you completely given up on us?
I'm hurting. I'm hurting I'm fucking hurting God. Can you see my tears can you feel the pain I'm feeling? Have you ever felt pain? Do you feel pain when you look at the state of this world? GIVE ME A SIGN you're still listening. There is so much good in this world so much but it is never going to have a chance to flourish without the sun.
I'm......... losing it. I'm on the verge of a serious breakdown....... a breakdown. Maybe that's what I need. I hate feeling like I could sleep the next few days and not give a shit for the world or the people in it. not leave my room, not leave my house, not eating not drinking barely breathing just existing. Is this what you have planned in the grand scheme of things. me hiding away withering away I'm dying God damn it. I am dying inside and hardly anyone in this fucking fucked up world gives a damn.
I swear if I could find the nearest cliff I would fling myself off of it and be concerned with the world no longer.
Fuck this world that's fucking me over. I care about you and you care about your fucking selves. Fuck you... FUCK YOU...
I'm not losing it.... I'm lost...xx

10 things you probably didn't know about me and one painful truth

10. I still watch cartoons (closet anime freak)( I would go to a Cosplay event if it wasn't too weird).
9. When I'm barefoot I walk around on my tip toes.
8. I used to be a hardcore Jesus freak.
7. My eyes change color with my mood and my clothes.
6. I can't snap or cross my eyes.
5. I can't say cinnamon.
4. I tell people I don't believe in love so I won't be disappointed when I don't find it but in reality it's one of the only things I believe in.
3. I believe in Ghost.
2. I bite my lip when I'm intrigued.
1. I'm in love with someone I can never have and I think he may love me back. He kissed me and I want him to do it again...

just wasting time nothing better to do on a manic Monday. I need to get my head straight. I need to get my priorities straight. I feel like my mind is at war honestly. Beth says I need to stop thinking and just go with it but my heart is having conflicts. Too many to count. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I mean Beth is amazing but I need an outside perspective. Though they'll probably tell me what my heart is telling me and what I don't want to hear. I just wish I knew what he wanted from me. What does he want from me? I guess I should ask him but I honestly don't think he knows, how could he? I should have stopped it while I was ahead but it's too late for me now. I'm emotionally attached. I don't know when it happened. It was over night. It just snuck up on me. I didn't expect it I knew my borders, or atleast I thought I did, and somehow they got crossed. Ugh maybe I am over thinking this. I need a pocket Dr.Phil though I know what he would say and I know he would disapprove. God so many contradictions in my mind so many conflicts. I thought things were getting better but it seems there's a brand new kind of drama something I never expected... Jesus what's wrong with me...xx

Sometimes Drama is best expressed via Disney songs(thanks to beth for inspiration)

BEFORE THE KISS:
What would I give
To live where you are?
What would I pay
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you
Smiling at me?
Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of your world
I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world

MY THOUGHTS:
I wonder, I wonder I wonder why each little bird has a someone
To sing to, sweet things to
A gay little lark melody?
I wonder, I wonder I wonder if my heart keeps singing
Will my song go winging
To someone, who'll find me
And bring back a love song to me?


BETH'S ROLE A LITTLE WHISPER:
There you see her
Sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say
But there's something about her
And you don't know why
But you're dying to try
You wanna kiss the girl
Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
Possible she wants you too
There is one way to ask her
It don't take a word
Not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
My oh my
Look like the boy too shy
Ain't gonna kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Ain't that sad?
Ain't it a shame?
Too bad, he gonna miss the girl
Now's your moment
Floating in a blue lagoon
Boy you better do it soon
No time will be better
She don't say a word
And she won't say a word
Until you kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Don't be scared
You got the mood prepared
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Don't stop now
Don't try to hide it how
You want to kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Float along
And listen to the song
The song say kiss the girl
Sha la la la la
The music play
Do what the music say
You got to kiss the girl
You've got to kiss the girl
You wanna kiss the girl
You've gotta kiss the girl
Go on and kiss the girl


CURRENTLY HOW I FEEL:
So this is love, Mmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, Mmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
Mmm Mmm So this is love

BETH'S TAKE ON THE SITUATION:
There's something sweet
And almost kind
But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined
And now he's dear
And so I'm sure
I wonder why I didn't see it there before
She glanced this way
I thought I saw
And when we touched she didn't shudder at my paw
No it can't be
I'll just ignore
But then she's never looked at me that way before
New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that he's no Prince Charming
But there's something in him that I simply didn't see

ONE ISSUE:
"Madame Gaston!"
Can't you just see it?
"Madame Gaston!"
His "little wife"
No sir! Not me!
I guarantee it
I want much more than this provincial life
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

MY CONSCIENCE:
Listen with your heart You will understand
Let it break upon you Like a wave upon the sand
Listen with your heart You will understand

MY HEART:
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

OUTSIDERS???:
If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we made the whole world bright
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us where these whispers in the night
But still my heart is singing
We were right
There's no moment I regret
Since the moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I've lived at last...
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
I thought our love would be so beautiful We'd turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is singing
We were right
We were right
And If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

ME TRYING TO HIDE IT FROM THE WORLD AND MYSELF:
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad
No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

REALITY SINKING IN:
Poor unfortunate souls
In painIn need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them?Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man
Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead!Make your choice!
I'm a very busy woman
And I haven't got all day
It won't cost muchJust your voice!
You poor unfortunate soul
It's sadBut true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You've got to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll!
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys
The boss is on a roll
This poor unfortunate soul

My life isn't a Disney movie but I've got the soundtrack. Sebastin and flounder aren't going to save me in the nick of time. There is no Prince Charming who rides up on a white horse but for a moment everything felt alright and it felt like he was mine. When did this happen when did I decide it might be nice for him to be mine. Am I really secretly in love? I feel completely fucked over with this whole situation. I know it's so wrong of me to even say this but if that was the last time I ever kiss that man, I don't know, nevermind I should stop while I'm ahead. Does he really have a look in his eyes? Do I? This is painful... probably the most pain I've ever been in, in my life and there's nothing I can do about it so I may as well shut up because this isn't going to make it any better and I'm wasting your and my time... goodnight...xx

I liked it...

You want to see a Reaction?

Here you have it...

indifference

that's all you get and more than you deserve

It's funny how imperfections fade or Ten things I like about you...

10. The way you say milk and cookies because you know it makes me smile
9. The way you light my cigarette when I'm being special
8. Because you know I'm jumpy and ticklish and you use that to full advantage
7. Because you let me push you around and constantly fuck with you (taking your hat and throwing it, or the racing thing) yet you never get mad
6. The look in your eyes when you talk about something that interest you
5. Because even when you're in a bad mood it never last long. You're positive 90% of the time.
4. That you let me have your wish every time
3. The way you butcher the English language constantly
2. You listen and I believe you genuinely care
1. Because a smile never leaves my face in your company

There's only one thing I can think of that I don't like about you. Just one. I'll keep that to myself.
I didn't realize how circumstantial imperfections were until I met you. It's funny how they fade into beauty after time... And as a side note I'm not secretly in love with you as I've said before but I do love you. Don't tell...xx

Carry On, Carry On as if nothing really matters...

Yeah so it's five am I just rolled in. Tonight was amazing best part I didn't drink as much as I have the past few weeks. I feel better honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted.
Only bad part I must mention was that Shannon was there. I swear she is such a moron sometimes. She thinks I'm mad at her because Ruari and her are "friends" please. I could care less who Ruari associates with. What am I his mother? She needs to grow up she makes it seem like middle school. OOh OOH brittnee is mad at me because a boy she cares about is friends with me. I believe and I quote shannon said, "brittnee will get over it she's just jealous that Ru wants to fuck me and not her." She needs to take that middle school bullshit somewhere else. If she really thinks that's the issue here she needs to stay away from me because she has no concerns for my feelings what so ever. Why am I constantly surrounded by idiotic people out for themselves, just out to see who the next person they can fuck over is? Oh yeah and before you start on oh she's your sister you shouldn't talk about her like that try again. Her dad adopted me when I was eight first off and second I'm more of a sister to her than she will ever be to me so shut the fuck up and grow the fuck up.
Otherwise amazing night. I sang again. Wasn't really up to it and I really didn't want to do that lame song but Lamarjorie said it would cheer her up so I did it. I had the anger I needed to fuel the song though honestly. What with wanting to kick someone's ass for making her cry like that and with my drama. I don't know. If he could only see how much she loves him and how much she hurts for him. I think it would do him some good. She doesn't deserve to hurt like that and I know he loves her but I swear I can't stand to see her like that. I just want to knock some fucking sense into that boy. He has got it made any guy would be lucky for her to even look at him let alone be his girlfriend. She is amazing she is going to do amazing things just because you're stressed, pissed whatever you are doesn't mean you can break her heart. You're breaking her heart. I'm not saying you're a bad guy because honestly I think you are one of the best I've ever or will ever meet but you've got to chill. She loves you she would do anything for you. You are a lucky man and it's about time you realized it because she is so close to perfect it scares me. I really hate seeing her cry. I swear I would do anything for her to never cry or feel hurt like she has been the past week or so ever again. she doesn't deserve it. she truly is too good for this world.
I don't know. we went back to the hop in hung out saw my married man. I love him I honestly do. I have really fucked myself royally. Doesn't matter. nothing really matters.
I did come to the realization that as long as I'm happy I don't give a shit who I'm with or where I am or what I'm doing. I would live a content life as long as I'm happy. Sure I want to make myself and yes I believe I'm meant for big things but if I could trade that all and just be happy fine you can have it. I don't care. I want to be happy. Seems like a fair trade giving up everything all my potential just to live a happy life.
I'm currently happy. I just wish she were... she's going to be alright. I'm going to be alright. You're going to be alright... incase you forgot...xx

oh and halloween party the 30th. Why the 30th well I plan on going downtown the 31st so I didn't want to fuck up those plans. HALLOWEEN is my favorite holiday I love it. I can't wait. You're all invited it's going to be awesome the list of people r.s.v.p-ing is growing as big as my smile right now. I love it... be good... be safe

Oh and for future reference TRAVIS rocks my socks and has to be one of the hottest guys I've ever seen in this town. STUNNING. oh and I heart Cordell Walker... night

You move like I want to, to see like your eyes do

First off have you seen the moon tonight?
second we went to main campus Wed. Night I believe and we threw coins into the fountain I made five wishes as follows. I won't go in to details because then they won't come true.
1. For lamarjorie
2. For you
3. For my family and friends
4. For this world
and lastly for myself. I see where I stand in the grand scheme of things and the sad this is my wish wasn't really for me. I wished that I could change this world that I could make a difference. Now on to more serious issues it's going to be a novel...

My life has really been put into the right perspective lately. I've realized that things aren't as permanent as they seem or feel rather. Things feel so secure so reliable and honestly that makes me feel uncomfortable. Because in the past this security would have made me build up a sort of dependency and it always falls through. I've learned from the past and I know better. I know I'm not promised another moment with you any more than I'm promised tomorrow. Nothing is as set in stone as it seems sometimes. Which is why I prefer distance from most people. This time two years ago I was a very different person. I was the girl always to herself I was so focused on school and my goals that I didn't have time for anything else. I didn't really have anyone that I would call a friend. I was focused on my life and myself alone then something changed in me. I don't know if it was this mouthy short little Jewish Mexican black Irish girl who broke me out of my shell and got me talking or if it's part of growing up but I starting thinking maybe it would be nice to have people in my life. I didn't care about friends or the world as a whole in general. I was out for bettering myself end of story. God, I've changed so much. I care about this world and the people in it more than I ever thought I would but I'm not so sure I should.
I was reading a friends blog (whether he considers me a friend or not I still think highly of him his opinions and writing ability) he said he used to want to save the world but now he's not so sure the world deserves it. I agree with this statement. You can give and give and give all you have. You can give all of you to this world and the people in it and it seems like the more you give the more the world constantly fucks you over. The world and I don't have a good relationship. It's not a mutual give and take deal it's one sided. I give the world takes and ignores me after it's had what it wants from me. I try and help anyway I can yet the world doesn't ask if I'm the one who really needs help. I'm not saying everyone in this world is like that I'm just saying a vast majority are. I know I used to be one of them. Only out for what I can get no matter the cost or who gets hurt. I'm not like that anymore but I see myself becoming more and more jaded daily. I have faith in this world but there is so much you can take before you cut the strings. I want to help people I care about the world. I don't want to be the girl I was two years ago a year ago even. I think that's one of the worlds biggest problems there is a lack of people who give a damn. Don't let the world jade you there is so much good and so many people out there like me and you granted they are few and far between and getting harder to find but they do exist.
I was thinking also maybe it's not that the world doesn't deserve it but maybe the world doesn't want to be saved. Maybe that's the bigger issue here the world doesn't want your or my or her help. I give without being asked maybe that's where I'm confusing the line here. I give but the world never asked for my help so when it's not eager to lend a hand to me I have to remember it never asked for my hand to begin with. So, if I'm crushed or jaded or hurt it's my own fault not the worlds.
I don't know I'm going to bed. I've got a lot on my mind lately. I'm starting back school in January so it feels like I'm getting my life back in the right direction.


All I ever wanted to do was make you smile. I guess where I messed up was the fact that you never asked me to. This is my fault...xx

life on repeat

I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found It won't be the same,
I didn't get around to kiss you, goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again,
I know that I can't,
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly The day, you,
slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same,
I have had my wake up
Won't you wake up.
I keep asking why.
I can't take it It wasn't fake.
It happened you passed by.
Now your gone now your gone
There you go There you go
Somewere I can't bring you back
The day, you, slipped away Was the day I found
it won't be the same, No, the day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same,



I miss you

Now I know that I did somethin wrong 'cause I missed you

I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me that I'm clever
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you




I think things are going to be okay...xx

Emotional Rape

It's what we do...

So after a lovely evening last night I found my way to the hop-in. For various reasons that aren't really important enough to discuss but I ended up talking to Tawf nearly the entire night.
I guess he has a sixth sense and he knew I was doing shitty. Actually the past two week have been ones I should soon like to forget. Moving on. We sat outside and talked for an hour or so and this boy has his head on straight let me tell you. I think he's one of the most amazing people you will ever meet.
He told me there are two types of people in this world. The ones who get hurt and the ass holes. I tend to agree granted sometimes the lines get blurred but for the most part it's exactly right. There are the people who fuck you over and the people who take it. Now the people who fuck you over are people users they are out to get what they want from you then leave you behind. They don't care who they hurt or if they hurt someone. I know several people like this. And the "wastebaskets" care too much and even after you've say stabbed someone in the back they would probably still help you in anyway they can. I know an equal amount of these as well. I've decided I'm not going to be either of these types of people. I'm going to blur the lines and just be me. I said I was too good for this town and everyone in it and he agreed. We were talking about how we hate our jobs how we're too smart to make a career out of mediocre jobs. I thought I was being cocky but he completely agreed with me so it's not cocky it's convinced. He was talking about back home and how it is in a third world country and it made my problems seem like they weren't all that important. They're not. The little drama I'm going threw is nothing and it doesn't make the top ten on my list in the grand scheme of things. We bounced back and forth talking about people and about how the more people I meet the more I lose faith in humanity. It's true about 80% of people are fucking over the rest of the world for me. I'm losing faith. I know there are good, amazing people out there and I truly believe tawf is one of the best but sometimes it's hard to believe there's better out there when you have gotten screwed so much in your life. I still have hope. I don't know this post is already a book long so I guess I will have a part two or whatever.
I think I may go to the cemetery today have some time alone...
Atleast acknowledge that I'm a human and I have emotions it's not cool to treat me like some object, like I'm not even a person. I would never treat someone like they don't exist. I exist God damn it. I'm real, I'm human... maybe you forgot. maybe you don't care... that's a shame...xx

I take it back... Everything

I acknowledge that I made you feel jealous because of somethings I said about Johnathan. That was not my intent. I was saying sometimes it's nice to talk to someone with an outside perspective not that I was looking for a replacement of my best friend. You're not getting rid of me that easy so get over it. If we're putting all the cards on the table here I'm honestly of a little jealous un named party myself. Only a little because I know I have no right to be because you have a history which I have no problem with in the least. All I'm saying is I didn't mean to make you jealous. And for the record I only mean about half the shit I say and the other have is just whatever comes to mind there's not a huge thought process it's just a blog. Read it as if you aren't directly involved as if it's just some sad girl in cyber space... Pretend you don't know me when you read my words. I don't mean to offend, hurt, anger, anything at all really. It's just a release...xx believe me there are worse things I could do.

I wish you'd come around cause we're missing you

So it's been a few days and honestly I was going to discontinue the use of this blog. I had every intention of never writing on it again. Why? It seems two of the people I care about a great deal and hold in high regards got hurt, pissed, upset, I'm not sure whatever you want to call it. They had issues with my blog and things I have said on it. Here's what I must say to that before we go any further if the post was meant for you I would have addressed you as I often do. Nothing I said was said maliciously it was simply things going on in my life. I have said nothing to make anyone jealous (Beth) or to "take" a friend of a friend (R.M.R). That's not me at all. If you knew me you would know. So assuming you still read this (r.m.r) I didn't mean to hmm what's the word offend you perhaps. If anything on my blog was about you I would have told you believe me. If any of it was directed to you I would have made that clear. I apologize for any misinterpretations or misconceptions or mistranslations. That seems to be happening a lot lately which it why I was going to stop writing here all together but I've decided I like writing entirely too much to let this get me down and maybe I can make the wrongs right. Maybe not but it's worth the effort because I hold you in such high regards (r.m.r and beth) Why I hold you on a pedestal barely knowing you I can't explain. There are people I admire in this world that I know a lot less than you (not that I know you) why? Their Words, their music, their views on life. I can't explain it but I saw something in you that I wanted to see in myself. Anyways, you're probably not reading this anymore. I hate that... I hate how everything went down you have no idea how much. I'm still a little dazed. I wish there was something I could have said but honestly sometimes my emotions have no filters and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean. Which is why I had to walk away. It was the adult thing to do. I'm still hoping we can actually talk because I think you have me all wrong. I don't know what happened, what you heard, what was misinterpreted but I assure you it's wrong. Not your fault, and no I'm not trying to make myself the victim out of this situation nor you the villian. Why does there even have to be a victim or villian? I just want you to know you have me figured out wrong and I know this is partly my fault. I'm not who you think I am currently but I hope I can change your views with time. If not I thank you for the time given. I still admire you for different things and reasons. I still consider you a friend. Maybe I'm delosional but I'm not going to stop my side of the friendship even if you have. My friendship is unconditional believe me or not and I would still give the world to help you if you were in need. It's just who I am. Take me or leave me. If you need me I'm there. Anytime. So yeah I hope you read this you have no idea how much...
But now moving on to other issues that have nothing to do with the above issues so we are clear. J.H. Thinks I am secretly "in love" with him. I love him granted I love him more than I should love him given the situation I will even give him that but am I in love with him? Hard to say but if my opinion counts for anything I would say no. I've never been "in love" I'm not even sure if there is an "in love" so far it's been a myth people make up to stay together. Is "in love" out there? Somewhere in my little girl mind I secretly hope it is. I hope it is with all my being but my grown up realistic side begs to differ. I think we can love people. I think we can love them very much. We can love them so much we would do anything for them. Is love real? Sure why not, but is unconditional, raw, unfiltered, no holding back anything, type of love you see in the movies real? Part of me wants to believe in it but once again the realistic side says I'm delosional. I want that kind of love to be out there and it may be. Is it out there for me? Who can tell? Am I in that kind of love with him? No for obvious reasons I'm not. Could I be if those obvious reasons were no longer reasons? Who knows. I love him but I won't allow myself to love him like the love I think he was speaking of. Once again obvious (to me) reasons why I won't. I don't want to get hurt being one of them. I don't want him to be hurt more importantly.
So anyways life as we know it right now is good. Fucked, ironic, and vindictive as life maybe it's still life and it's still amazing. I'm still hopeful and in love with life. I had a rough patch but I assure you (Beth) I'm over it for awhile. Mostly because I'm tired of hurting myself but also because of you. You can take a little credit.
Anyways I hope where ever you are that you are safe and happy. I hope we don't stay strangers for long and I hope you have a moment for me to explain myself before you completely dissolve our friendship. If not it was a pleasure to know such an interesting captivating person. I don't think I will ever meet another person like you and I think that's unfortunate. Be good, be safe, be happy, allow people to love you unconditionally and you in turn love them in your way regardless.
have a goodnight...xx