Maybe Baby...

I know there's hope in there
But I wanna walk away
He's says it's bright in there
Even in lighter shades of grey
And though it looks like rain
I'm not gonna cry
As the seasons are changing In your heart
So will I
I will fly

I swear it feels like my life has turned upside down. I feel out of control. It's a good loss of control. It's the kinda control you want to lose. I just wish the circumstances were different, that situations were different. But then again if they were I know I would be completely out of control. I still have a little control. It's my eternally realistic nature. Have fun while you have it cause it won't last type deal. I don't know this has slowly and gradually turned into something more. Something brand new. Something I've never felt in my life and it's scary and exciting and painful and wonderful all at the same time. It's a million feelings pulsing through out my body everytime he's near everytime he's away. It's like I just realized I'm alive. It's like I finally remembered how to breathe. Everything is fresh and new. It's like a constant feeling Christmas. You know that feeling you get when you see lights on houses and trees. Or better yet it's like the feeling you get when you see fireworks. I feel like fireworks hundreds of fireworks lighting up the dark sky. Light like electricity racing threw the darkness. Millions of tiny sparks burning with all the ambition they have. OOhs and AAhs from everyone. I feel like I'm looking up at the empty sky waiting just waiting for that brief moment when everything is light. I'm excited and nervous and I'm anticipating beautiful and it shoots off and it's breathtaking and I'm speechless...
I hope this feeling last. I hope it last with him. If it doesn't I hope I feel at least a small portion of it again before I die because I'm addicted to whatever this feeling is. I always want to feel it and when I don't I'm miserable. I've got "it" (whatever it is) bad.
I hope this season never ends I hope it goes on past it's time. God, I just want to scream out loud. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to sing.
but then... In the back of my mind. There's a girl, a girl who used to be guarded beyond reach who's sitting there saying watch yourself because it's only the beginning of the end. It's going to end. I've let my guard down I'm venerable he could break me at any moment. God he could break me beyond repair. I don't think he knows the power he has and I'm going to keep it that way until he knows his intentions. I don't think he knows what he wants. I only hope he figures it out before it's too late for me. Yes, I'll survive but I'm going to have to have some recover time I know. It's not going to be easy to get over him. I don't know if I ever will.
I'm ending it before it's really begun in my mind. I have hope but I don't want to have too much hope because I don't want to be disappointed. So when he says things like I'm going to pack my shit and leave her, I'm thinking 'we'll see' I'm never, I don't know, too happy about it. I wouldn't be happy, clearly he loved her once and I hate that it's leaving. I once again just want him to be happy, with her, with me, with someone new. I just want that boy to be happy regardless of my feelings. I think I should be more selfish but it's not in my nature.
I don't know I'm rambling on...
God I hope this doesn't break me... xx
I am in _ _ _ _.

Rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons...