So it's been a few days and honestly I was going to discontinue the use of this blog. I had every intention of never writing on it again. Why? It seems two of the people I care about a great deal and hold in high regards got hurt, pissed, upset, I'm not sure whatever you want to call it. They had issues with my blog and things I have said on it. Here's what I must say to that before we go any further if the post was meant for you I would have addressed you as I often do. Nothing I said was said maliciously it was simply things going on in my life. I have said nothing to make anyone jealous (Beth) or to "take" a friend of a friend (R.M.R). That's not me at all. If you knew me you would know. So assuming you still read this (r.m.r) I didn't mean to hmm what's the word offend you perhaps. If anything on my blog was about you I would have told you believe me. If any of it was directed to you I would have made that clear. I apologize for any misinterpretations or misconceptions or mistranslations. That seems to be happening a lot lately which it why I was going to stop writing here all together but I've decided I like writing entirely too much to let this get me down and maybe I can make the wrongs right. Maybe not but it's worth the effort because I hold you in such high regards (r.m.r and beth) Why I hold you on a pedestal barely knowing you I can't explain. There are people I admire in this world that I know a lot less than you (not that I know you) why? Their Words, their music, their views on life. I can't explain it but I saw something in you that I wanted to see in myself. Anyways, you're probably not reading this anymore. I hate that... I hate how everything went down you have no idea how much. I'm still a little dazed. I wish there was something I could have said but honestly sometimes my emotions have no filters and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean. Which is why I had to walk away. It was the adult thing to do. I'm still hoping we can actually talk because I think you have me all wrong. I don't know what happened, what you heard, what was misinterpreted but I assure you it's wrong. Not your fault, and no I'm not trying to make myself the victim out of this situation nor you the villian. Why does there even have to be a victim or villian? I just want you to know you have me figured out wrong and I know this is partly my fault. I'm not who you think I am currently but I hope I can change your views with time. If not I thank you for the time given. I still admire you for different things and reasons. I still consider you a friend. Maybe I'm delosional but I'm not going to stop my side of the friendship even if you have. My friendship is unconditional believe me or not and I would still give the world to help you if you were in need. It's just who I am. Take me or leave me. If you need me I'm there. Anytime. So yeah I hope you read this you have no idea how much...
But now moving on to other issues that have nothing to do with the above issues so we are clear. J.H. Thinks I am secretly "in love" with him. I love him granted I love him more than I should love him given the situation I will even give him that but am I in love with him? Hard to say but if my opinion counts for anything I would say no. I've never been "in love" I'm not even sure if there is an "in love" so far it's been a myth people make up to stay together. Is "in love" out there? Somewhere in my little girl mind I secretly hope it is. I hope it is with all my being but my grown up realistic side begs to differ. I think we can love people. I think we can love them very much. We can love them so much we would do anything for them. Is love real? Sure why not, but is unconditional, raw, unfiltered, no holding back anything, type of love you see in the movies real? Part of me wants to believe in it but once again the realistic side says I'm delosional. I want that kind of love to be out there and it may be. Is it out there for me? Who can tell? Am I in that kind of love with him? No for obvious reasons I'm not. Could I be if those obvious reasons were no longer reasons? Who knows. I love him but I won't allow myself to love him like the love I think he was speaking of. Once again obvious (to me) reasons why I won't. I don't want to get hurt being one of them. I don't want him to be hurt more importantly.
So anyways life as we know it right now is good. Fucked, ironic, and vindictive as life maybe it's still life and it's still amazing. I'm still hopeful and in love with life. I had a rough patch but I assure you (Beth) I'm over it for awhile. Mostly because I'm tired of hurting myself but also because of you. You can take a little credit.
Anyways I hope where ever you are that you are safe and happy. I hope we don't stay strangers for long and I hope you have a moment for me to explain myself before you completely dissolve our friendship. If not it was a pleasure to know such an interesting captivating person. I don't think I will ever meet another person like you and I think that's unfortunate. Be good, be safe, be happy, allow people to love you unconditionally and you in turn love them in your way regardless.
have a goodnight...xx
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