Please don't crush my heart... keep reading...
Friday, June 30, 2006
To you...
I thought I should explain myself for last night...
I wanted to come and hang out more than anything and had the obligations of the following morning been the only factor I would have.
I think you are one of the truest hearts I've known and I would have loved nothing more than to talk to you about everything. But you are unattainable as anything but friends which I know without you saying. Which is fine... But I know me and I know... That this is going to sound extremely dumb and a I can't believe I'm putting this out there and I'm going to regret it later. You know what I said about you, and you said how can I feel that way only knowing a fraction of you? I just can't word this right. I'll save this thought for later...
It's not you, things in my past have just made me very guarded. I have trust issues as well if you knew me you'd know that. Again it has nothing to do with you. I just have to undo a past of people letting me down.
I would however like to offer you, today only... A lifetime friendship for now. I hope you take this offer because I don't offer it to many. Should you choose to get to know me I know you won't regret it.
I hope your offer wasn't the last time you offer. I just have issues working against me and my past at my feet.
If you can ever manage to sneak away or you have need. My door is ALWAYS opened to you.
I'm glad to have finally met you... And I hope this is a true friendship that last.
Once again I think you're an amazing guy from last night and from what I've heard. I hope we can hang out soon... I am, after all, obligated to you. I'll keep my word.
So if your intentions are true, when you're back in millegedville look me up. So that we can not only have some amazing conversation but so I can kick your ass at guitar hero as well.
Have a safe trip... And return home just as safe.
Even if last night was the only time I talk to you. It was nice and I thank you for your time. I hope that you are as great as I think you are. I hate to be proved wrong.
I hope we talk many, many more times... xx Brittnee ~my door is open I hope this is the start of an unbreakable friendship... If not it was nice for a moment...
I wanted to come and hang out more than anything and had the obligations of the following morning been the only factor I would have.
I think you are one of the truest hearts I've known and I would have loved nothing more than to talk to you about everything. But you are unattainable as anything but friends which I know without you saying. Which is fine... But I know me and I know... That this is going to sound extremely dumb and a I can't believe I'm putting this out there and I'm going to regret it later. You know what I said about you, and you said how can I feel that way only knowing a fraction of you? I just can't word this right. I'll save this thought for later...
It's not you, things in my past have just made me very guarded. I have trust issues as well if you knew me you'd know that. Again it has nothing to do with you. I just have to undo a past of people letting me down.
I would however like to offer you, today only... A lifetime friendship for now. I hope you take this offer because I don't offer it to many. Should you choose to get to know me I know you won't regret it.
I hope your offer wasn't the last time you offer. I just have issues working against me and my past at my feet.
If you can ever manage to sneak away or you have need. My door is ALWAYS opened to you.
I'm glad to have finally met you... And I hope this is a true friendship that last.
Once again I think you're an amazing guy from last night and from what I've heard. I hope we can hang out soon... I am, after all, obligated to you. I'll keep my word.
So if your intentions are true, when you're back in millegedville look me up. So that we can not only have some amazing conversation but so I can kick your ass at guitar hero as well.
Have a safe trip... And return home just as safe.
Even if last night was the only time I talk to you. It was nice and I thank you for your time. I hope that you are as great as I think you are. I hate to be proved wrong.
I hope we talk many, many more times... xx Brittnee ~my door is open I hope this is the start of an unbreakable friendship... If not it was nice for a moment...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Strange
maybe it's because it's four in the morning and I'm sleepy but I swear to God I would give up anything to never see him cry again and to take away the pain he's feeling now. my heart broke for a stranger tonight. what's this feeling? hmmm.... I'm an idiot... and it doesn't matter any way...
goodnight to all be safe. I'm feeling better and at this moment the real issues I'm dealing with seem far away. God, Please let me wake up with this feeling.
xx
goodnight to all be safe. I'm feeling better and at this moment the real issues I'm dealing with seem far away. God, Please let me wake up with this feeling.
xx
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Why do I always feel like a failure?
Or better why do you have to make me feel like a fuck up. I am a fuck up I know. I know I've fucked up. I know I keep fucking up. I know better than you. I live this life everyday. I see myself and the mistakes I've made. I see them everyday I don't need you force feeding me that I'm a failure.
God damn it I'm only 20. I feel like I'm wasting my breath. I feel like when I'm doing good in your eyes then I'm on top of the world but the second I make a mistake everything I've ever done comes back to bitch slap me.
Yes I'm taking a break from college. Yes I dropped out of highschool. Yes I tried to kill myself. Yes I've treated you like shit in the past. Yes I have four credit cards and I live from pay check to pay check and still barely make it by the skin of my fucking teeth. Yes I owe you more money than I can repay right now. Yes you're paying my car payment and insurance because I promised I would stay in school if you did. Yes every time something goes wrong I go to you even though I say I'm an adult and can take care of myself. I don't know where I would be without your support. I sure as hell know I wouldn't be living out on my own.
why do I feel like we're all we have and still feel like this everyday.
why is it I can help everyone but myself. I'm there for you and anyone else in my life when they have their crisises but when I'm sitting here crying unable to breath having my own crisis that I feel like no one gives a damn.
I'm 20 years old and I don't have shit to show for my life. I've let things I can't control fuck up my life and it's become a vicious cycle I don't know how to undo.
Why is it when little things go wrong it's "You're going to end up just like your father" you haven't said it this time but I can see it on the tip of your tongue. It's your way to push me off the edge and you know it. Telling me that shit doesn't make it better it doesn't give me a drive to do the opposite. I'm spiteful but when it comes from you I can't prove you wrong.
I didn't ask you to buy a fucking house so that you could rent it to me. I was perfectly content with living in my "shithole" (as you call it) apartment. I'm happy here, so happy and now I feel like I'm being forced to move into this house because you've finacially obligated yourself to me again. only this time i didn't ask for it. sure you say it will be easier because my rent will be cheaper. big fucking deal I like to struggle to get by. I like not having enough money to go blow it on stupid shit I don't need anyways. I like living from pay check to pay check and I love my shithole apartment I can barely afford. sure you may think ungrateful right? you just bought me a house and I'm such an ungrateful bitch that I don't want to live in it. I didn't ask you to help me I didn't ask you to buy a fucking house. I didn't ask you for anything. but now I feel obligated to you and I'm going to move into your fucking house. I'm going to leave the apartment where I feel safe and secure and home. I'm going to pack up my shit and move into this house and then we'll be even. You didn't even let me enjoy living here. You just rushed me out back closer to you.
this sucks. I'm not ready to leave this shithole. I have never been so happy in my life. ever. and in a week it will all be over. and i'll have to start over...
thanks for the house.
god damn it...
I'm sorry this in incoherent I have nothing else to say except it was nice to not have to rely on you even if it was for 6 months. it was nice to struggle to get by and be completely independent. it was nice to feel like home for the first time in my life... it was nice and now it's over.
God damn it I'm only 20. I feel like I'm wasting my breath. I feel like when I'm doing good in your eyes then I'm on top of the world but the second I make a mistake everything I've ever done comes back to bitch slap me.
Yes I'm taking a break from college. Yes I dropped out of highschool. Yes I tried to kill myself. Yes I've treated you like shit in the past. Yes I have four credit cards and I live from pay check to pay check and still barely make it by the skin of my fucking teeth. Yes I owe you more money than I can repay right now. Yes you're paying my car payment and insurance because I promised I would stay in school if you did. Yes every time something goes wrong I go to you even though I say I'm an adult and can take care of myself. I don't know where I would be without your support. I sure as hell know I wouldn't be living out on my own.
why do I feel like we're all we have and still feel like this everyday.
why is it I can help everyone but myself. I'm there for you and anyone else in my life when they have their crisises but when I'm sitting here crying unable to breath having my own crisis that I feel like no one gives a damn.
I'm 20 years old and I don't have shit to show for my life. I've let things I can't control fuck up my life and it's become a vicious cycle I don't know how to undo.
Why is it when little things go wrong it's "You're going to end up just like your father" you haven't said it this time but I can see it on the tip of your tongue. It's your way to push me off the edge and you know it. Telling me that shit doesn't make it better it doesn't give me a drive to do the opposite. I'm spiteful but when it comes from you I can't prove you wrong.
I didn't ask you to buy a fucking house so that you could rent it to me. I was perfectly content with living in my "shithole" (as you call it) apartment. I'm happy here, so happy and now I feel like I'm being forced to move into this house because you've finacially obligated yourself to me again. only this time i didn't ask for it. sure you say it will be easier because my rent will be cheaper. big fucking deal I like to struggle to get by. I like not having enough money to go blow it on stupid shit I don't need anyways. I like living from pay check to pay check and I love my shithole apartment I can barely afford. sure you may think ungrateful right? you just bought me a house and I'm such an ungrateful bitch that I don't want to live in it. I didn't ask you to help me I didn't ask you to buy a fucking house. I didn't ask you for anything. but now I feel obligated to you and I'm going to move into your fucking house. I'm going to leave the apartment where I feel safe and secure and home. I'm going to pack up my shit and move into this house and then we'll be even. You didn't even let me enjoy living here. You just rushed me out back closer to you.
this sucks. I'm not ready to leave this shithole. I have never been so happy in my life. ever. and in a week it will all be over. and i'll have to start over...
thanks for the house.
god damn it...
I'm sorry this in incoherent I have nothing else to say except it was nice to not have to rely on you even if it was for 6 months. it was nice to struggle to get by and be completely independent. it was nice to feel like home for the first time in my life... it was nice and now it's over.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Clarity... MYSPACE=EVIL
So the past three days have been what I needed. (Some time off that feels like I've had time off.) I hate to go back tomorrow. There are a million other things I could be doing, but when you grow up you have to do grown up things like work and I'm not going to complain because I do get paid.(sometimes I wonder if it's worth it)
anyways we went to the cemetery (Beth, tabby and I) at night as always. It was amazing I posted a couple of pictures. There were "ORBS" and weird lights in almost every one. Call me crazy if you wish but the feeling was a bit off this time. I kept getting chills and cold it was strange. I do believe there are things out there that I can't explain. I believe we may have caught some of those things looking for an audience on film but I also believe we caught something off guard because usually the air is calming and peaceful but last night it was a little ominous and foreboding. Of course it didn't scare us off and we had to have been in there a few hours. It's nice I like it. It's like going back in time for a few hours and deep inside. You would almost believe there's no such thing as the modern world. I wish more people would appreciate life and the little things instead of spending all their waking moments on fucking myspace. Get off the net stop watching TV and take a walk outside people.
I swear if we didn't have electricity most people couldn't function. I'd sit back and laugh at people. Granted I'd be a little freaked out but for only a moment because I know everything would be fine.
The world has gone to shit anyways, but taking a little time to appreciate the little things could vastly improve our future. People need to stop being so damn anal retentive and slow down every once in a while. You can't beat time folks it's right on your shoulder taking a free ride so no matter how fast you run you're not getting anywhere. So you can work your ass off and not stop and appreciate life all you want it doesn't make any difference because we all come to the same end. Some sooner than others. If your life ended right now would you be satisfied?
GET THE FUCK OFF MYSPACE AND GO OUTSIDE. There's a whole world just waiting to take you by the hand and play a while.
P.S. I know I have a myspace but I don't spend every waking hour on it and I mostly use it for finding new music. I'm much more addicted to life you should be too. xx
anyways we went to the cemetery (Beth, tabby and I) at night as always. It was amazing I posted a couple of pictures. There were "ORBS" and weird lights in almost every one. Call me crazy if you wish but the feeling was a bit off this time. I kept getting chills and cold it was strange. I do believe there are things out there that I can't explain. I believe we may have caught some of those things looking for an audience on film but I also believe we caught something off guard because usually the air is calming and peaceful but last night it was a little ominous and foreboding. Of course it didn't scare us off and we had to have been in there a few hours. It's nice I like it. It's like going back in time for a few hours and deep inside. You would almost believe there's no such thing as the modern world. I wish more people would appreciate life and the little things instead of spending all their waking moments on fucking myspace. Get off the net stop watching TV and take a walk outside people.
I swear if we didn't have electricity most people couldn't function. I'd sit back and laugh at people. Granted I'd be a little freaked out but for only a moment because I know everything would be fine.
The world has gone to shit anyways, but taking a little time to appreciate the little things could vastly improve our future. People need to stop being so damn anal retentive and slow down every once in a while. You can't beat time folks it's right on your shoulder taking a free ride so no matter how fast you run you're not getting anywhere. So you can work your ass off and not stop and appreciate life all you want it doesn't make any difference because we all come to the same end. Some sooner than others. If your life ended right now would you be satisfied?
GET THE FUCK OFF MYSPACE AND GO OUTSIDE. There's a whole world just waiting to take you by the hand and play a while.
P.S. I know I have a myspace but I don't spend every waking hour on it and I mostly use it for finding new music. I'm much more addicted to life you should be too. xx
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