I'm addicted to your white lies...

in vain

it's been three months. i could have loved you the rest of my life but you... you're too selfish. you weren't always. I remember at one time I told you to be more selfish that people were taking advantage of you. Am I the reason you've become this person you are now? I do blame myself in a way. You cheated with three girls that I know of. What was going through your mind when you were fucking them (forgive my bluntness)? I meant to ask but you would have just lied anyways. You still lie to me. You lie to the new girl. You lie to yourself.
I hate the person you are now. Maybe it was you all along and you hid it. Everyone around me saw it but I saw something different. I hurt so many people pushed so many people away and it's your fault. so many bridges burned for you. and you've done nothing for me except destroy my spirit. I miss the old me. the girl i was before i met you. I'm trying to get her back. i have in a lot of ways. God i hope i don't see you when i get to Seattle. you're not Taylor. Taylor was a fictional over romanticized character i made up because josh wasn't good enough. no that's not exactly what i mean. he wasn't though everyone says he wasn't good enough for me. i believe them now. he wasn't... Taylor was... but Taylor's not real... i tell myself that... i didn't see him much but i loved him with everything... and he let josh break me into pieces... how could he do that? he was my protector or so i thought... that night josh went ballistic... Taylor came through and he protected me... you really do have spilt personalities... i truly believe this and when you drink or do drugs you can't control them as well... i believe that... there is something dangerous inside of you and you do a good job of keeping it sedated but one day i fear you will go completely mad... that scares me... i wonder who will you hurt when you do...
maybe you won't get the chance to...
I dream about your death so vividly... i hate it. i wish i could just eternal sunshine of the spotless mind you and everything to do with you... this dream i have this nightmare i want it to go away but i can't control my dreams... I've heard you can learn how... but i don't know maybe i have a weak mind... i will write it here and see if it happens.... you are in a car listening to your music the song always varies i hear ten years sometimes disturbed sometimes shinedown... you have it loud as always... the car i can't see but it is a car... and dark.... you are wearing a long sleeved navy blue shirt... cargo pants... you're in a secluded area trees all about only a two lane highway... it's not dark out... maybe early morning... maybe evening the trees block out a lot of light... the road is wet... i want to stop here... cause I've seen you die so many times now... it's painful i always wake up crying... and see you're not beside me and i think it's already happened because you're not there where you used to be... am i crazy? i wonder sometimes... you are thrown from the car... i don't know what happens to cause this... slick road a deer you falling asleep i don't know... but there is glass all over the road and the radio is still playing... it's always the same song but i won't tell you what it is... you're bruised and broken bleeding in the road... and you are alone...
i used to feel like time was running out... was i supposed to die with you and now I'm not cause we broke up? or was it me sensing my time with you was nearly over? i hate not having answers... i hate the questions i ask even more... how long did it take you to cheat on me once you got to west v.a.? not long i imagine... josh was looking for a way out the whole relationship i think... two years... two years of my life... gone... i was so stupid to think i would marry you and you were fucking other girls... you had it made didn't you... a loving supporting gf at home... waiting patiently... i spent almost all of our relationship waiting do you realize that. and for what? empty words... false hope... nothing...
i won't write about you anymore... not after this rarely if ever... I've spent enough time on you... i thought you were worth it... i know now you're not... even this blog is more time wasted that you don't deserve... you're the only person in this world who makes me wish i had the ability to hate...
what goes around comes around... and if i were you... i would watch my back... she's hunting you as we speak... you know she always catches you...