The new year is approaching faster than I care to admit. I am about to be 21 years old. 21 January 3rd I will be 21 it's unreal. I never thought I would make it to 21 honestly I thought I didn't think I would make it. I thought I would have given up 3 years ago 4 years ago but I didn't. I am so much stronger than I was. I'm not even the same person. Hell, I'm not even the same person I was 3 months ago much less 3 years. It's scary and at the same time exciting how much we change and adapt but still stay the same. I'm a different person and at times I am very uncomfortable with who I am. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize my face. But then I fall into old habits and routines and I realize how the same parts of me are. I have grown more in this past year, and since October it's been one change after another. I have broken so many boundaries and my boundaries have been crossed. Boundaries I never thought would be crossed. Boundaries I thought were untouchable and I continue to cross more daily. Sometimes I'm afraid of this person I'm becoming. This person much darker than myself. Another side of me a side I repressed and kept locked away ignored like it didn't exist has taken over. It's like this tiny person inside of me has broken out and spread like a virus. I said something the other day "I've never been so happy in my life, never not even when I was a hardcore Jesus freak there is not a time in my life when I can remember being so happy." Now to any normal person this would be a good thing but it scares me. Why? I have no clue... I think because in the back of my mind I know it won't last. I also said I had no remorse or regret about what I'm doing. If you don't know what "I'm doing" not really any of your business, but... I'm living in the moment for the first time in my life. My mom said,"I don't see how you do it live from day to day on stolen moments of happiness." Isn't that what life is? Stolen moments of happiness. We live from moment to moment good moments bad moments everything in life is moments I would much rather live for stolen moments of happiness than not living at all. That's what I was doing. I wasn't living I was numb I was lost. I thought I had lost it again but I found it. I've found what happiness feels like even if it's a few hours out of the day a day out of a week or month for that moment I am in that moment and I am truly happy and yes I can live my life from moment to moment. I don't see how she can't. It strange to be so happy and yet so I don't know... I can't explain how I'm feeling but I feel and at the end of the day that is the point everyone is missing these days. I feel... and it's hard and cold and beautiful and breathtaking all at the same time. I'm whiling to take the good with the bad because I am alive...
God... my perspectives have changed... so much. I don't know how it happened but slowly I remembered how to live again. I remembered how to breathe how to feel what it feels like to be alive... 2007 is going to be an amazing year 21 is going to be a year for me. I am going to do all the things inhibitions held me back from doing. I am not letting anyone tell me what is right and wrong, what I should and should not do, who I should and should not be. I'm going to decide from now on what I think is right, what I should do, who I should be. I am living my life now. I'm am so tired of being what I think people want me to be, who my family wants me to be.
Take me for what I am or leave me that's the way it is. From now on the changes I make will be ones I wanted to make. I am me and I am going to live if it kills me...
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