We avoid the truth we avoid people we avoid confrontation we avoid all types of situations. It's very comforting to know that I'm an avoidance and so are you.
Where does this post come from you may ask... Or not... Either way I don't care. I'm avoiding something. I'm avoiding a big something. Something that I know is going to make or break me and I'm scared as shit. I've never been more afraid in my life. I'm not a person who is afraid of much of anything but this scares me with a deep dark paralyzing fear and I have no one to talk to it about so I'm holding it inside and that scares me to. I wish God did do overs. Actually I wish I could ask God for help in this situation but he's stopped talking to me and he wouldn't help me with this even if he were talking to me. I guess I really am on my own with this. I made my bed or un-made it in my case and I have to deal with it.
The truth is... I am ... Jesus I don't think I can bare to write it down...
I am in _ _ _ _, and I've never been so scared in my life. Every minute away from him I'm hurting. Every time I'm near him I'm hurting. So I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do and there's nothing I can do about it.
Praying for her to get in wreck or some freak accident with a fire or something really defeats the purpose of prayer. I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want him to be hurt so her cheating and falling in love with someone else isn't an option either. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do really. I feel so helpless. I feel so lost. I feel like I've made a mistake I can't undo and even if I could I wouldn't. Anytime I'm given with him is more than I deserve.
I know I'm not completely to blame but I feel like this is my fault. I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm being tested especially when I don't think I'll pass. I don't want to pass. My heart doesn't want to pass and my conscience is eating away at me. (at least someone in the world still has one of those)I'm torn. I'm completely lost in this situation.
I'm in _ _ _ _ with a _ _ _ _ _ man...xx
oh yes something I forgot there is another truth I've been avoiding and it's time I came clean about it. I chose him over you. I couldn't "be with" you because of him. He is real. The realest thing I've ever known and you live illusions. I wanted your approval so damn bad that I kept that to myself but now I don't care what you think of me. I want to be real and I want to live a real life the good and the bad. I want the truth, not some delusions I've made up so that the real world doesn't effect me. I don't want to be numb. I want to feel everything this world has to offer. So you continue to pretend you are God. You are only God of your world and your world is getting smaller by the second. Pretty soon there won't be much left. You are on a self destructive path. I thought I was but it turns out I'm on the up and up because I feel. Pain, hurt, happiness, and even LOVE. Love is real in my world and love is amazing. I hope you get to feel it someday for yourself it will vastly improve you're mediocre outlook on life. Be good be safe. I don't care what you think anymore from now on it's what I think...xx
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