You always try to be everything to everyone...

Is it so hard to believe that the person that you're staring at is me?

I can't be that girl... I'm not that girl... I'm not who anyone thinks I am and no one really knows me... not my family... not my friends... you think you know me? you have no clue what runs through this brilliant mind of mine when I'm smiling at you...
I can't be everything to everyone... I feel like I'm living two very different lives sometimes... one meets up to my families expectations and is the good little girl I lead them to believe I am so they sleep easier at night... but then I'm this very different person... this creature of the night as cliche' as that is... this girl who breaks all the rules... but who made the rules... these generic rules who says the rules that are right for you are right for me? As long as my actions aren't hurting anyone why should you be concerned... for instance I have to hide my tattoo my tiny tiny tattoo and my tongue right around my family... not all of them mind you but a few... I hate that I feel like my tattoo is a part of me... but it's so much bigger than the tattoo... so much bigger I'm hiding an entire person... I'm not the goody goody they think I am... but that doesn't make me a bad person... why can't they just accept me the good and the bad as I have them... Yes, I had an affair with a married man, do I feel remorse? regret? no and honestly I would probably... no I don't guess I would do it again... but I still feel no guilt about it... does that make me a bad person? No... not in my mind... and now I'm sleeping with someone else, yes I care about him a great deal but I know as well as he that we are nothing but friends... this upsets my mother a great deal because she thinks I should be in a committed relationship before I have sex with someone... I don't mean to upset her and should a committed relationship come along in the future I'll take it but that's not what I'm after... she's like why is he going to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free... honestly the cow isn't for sale currently but the milk shouldn't go bad or go to waste while she's not... I wouldn't sleep with a complete stranger I do at least care about the two men I have slept with... I do consider them good friends... what's so wrong with friends with benefits? ah I don't know it's 2am things are running through my mind... If I'm okay with the fact that he and I are not in a "relationship" then everyone else should be too... I'm not hurting anyone... I'm just enjoying moments... why can't you be happy for me? why can't you be happy that for once in a long time I am happy? I'm not a bad person... I'm not doing anything wrong... I'm simply living to the best of my ability and that's more than I can say for the majority of the world...

I've never been so alone
and I've...
never been so alive...xx