When I said good morning... I was lying

I was truly thinking of... how I might stop waking up...

This post is going to seem random but I have some things to say and since I can't say them out loud to you or anyone else here goes.
There are things I choose not to talk about because of this I have given the image that my life is one to be envious of. It's called a facade... a delusion of a life that I've made up.
I don't talk about things in my past so freely as some. I don't talk about things I'm dealing with now so freely as some.
I don't talk about how my father broke ever promise he made to me. How even on the rare occasion I got to see him when I was little he was too preoccupied to spend even 15 minutes with me. I don't talk about how I used to have to hang out with one of his sluts of the week because he made plans he couldn't keep. I don't talk about his drug induced fits where he would tell me I was nothing that I wouldn't amount to shit, where he denied even being by father, when he told me to kill myself because I was nothing but a burden.
I don't talk about my step dad physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me. I don't talk about him beating me and telling me to stop crying or he would continue and did. I don't talk about the time he tried to choke me to death. I don't talk about hiding and crying in my closet. I don't talk about crying hysterically unable to breathe until I passed out. I don't talk about that man alienating me from the only stability in my life. I don't talk about us being trapped there because we felt we had no where else to turn.
I don't talk about my step sister treating me like shit.
I don't talk about school, and what lead me to drop out of highschool. I don't talk about kids threatening my life and my cousin because he was openly gay. I don't talk about how when I did try to come back all my friends or the people I thought were my friends wouldn't talk to me. I don't talk about how jealous I was that I was more affected by them than my cousin was. How he seemed to have the perfect life while I was falling apart.
I don't talk about my family black sheeping me because I accepted him. I don't talk about all the times I wasn't allowed to talk to any of my family outside of my aunt and mother. Not even my cousin.
I don't talk about punching walls I don't talk about cutting myself which I still continue to do. You wouldn't believe how often I used to and how it's still one of my demons.
I don't talk about being medicated. I don't talk about going to see a psychiatrist every other day. I don't talk about almost being taken to Macon psychiatric and lying about not being suicidal so they wouldn't take me. I don't talk about trying to kill myself twice. I don't talk about wanting to run away. I don't talk about trying to run away.
Why don't I talk about these things that haunt me daily? Because there are people that are ten times worse off than me. I am thankful that is all life has thrown at me. Forgive me for not wanting to put my demons off on you. You make think I make myself the victim but I could not control any of the things that happened to me which is why I starting cutting in the first place.
I take your cards I listen but I never put all my cards on the table. I have had to fight my entire life and if you think I've got it made if you want this life these memories these external and internal scars then by all means you can have them. Before you jump to judge how about you grow up and get a fucking clue. This isn't even the half of what I continue to deal with. You can have it all. I would trade you in a heartbeat. I would trade with anyone to not feel the way I feel sometimes, even if it was worse because it wouldn't have to be my personal burdens.
I'm sorry that for once in my life it seems like I'm getting a fucking break... you have no clue... and I doubt you ever will... Why? because you know what I want you to know and nothing more... which makes it appear that I am all sunshines and rainbows but all you are seeing is the surface my friend and beyond that is a silent storm you couldn't even begin to handle... you want this life? are you jealous? you can have it all... everything...