No where's home and I'm all wrong...

Do you remember when you were a young child... you'd spend the day playing outside until the very last traces of sun left the sky... then as darkness covered you... you would run home as fast as you could... heart beating fast... barely able to breathe... then as you walked threw that open front door and shut it fast behind you... those feelings vanish as if by magic... your fears of the moment dissolve into comfort and peace... that's called home... and that's what it feels like...

I remember that feeling but I can't tell you the last time I felt it. I feel fragments time and again. Mostly when I'm with him or with you... You make me feel at peace at ease but it never last... just when I think... I'm comfortable in my stability the darkness burst threw the door... I turn on a lamp but nothing cures darkness like the sun... not even artificial light... Here's where my mind's a wreck... I like the darkness... I like the unknown, the instability but... at the end of it all I still choose... home... it's always a place to fall back to... a place of safety... a sanctuary... a safe haven... sure it's nice to stand out in the rain but at the end of the day the rain won't last and you'll need a place to warm up and dry off... sometimes he feels like that place... sometimes you do... I need a place I can rest completely as ease and peace... I feel like lately I sleep with one eye open... I miss being a kid when the only demons and monsters were in my books, my dreams, my head... where just by waking up from a nightmare turning on the light, pulling covers close, my mom just down the hall was enough to make me brave enough to check the closet or under the bed just one more time... now I'm just sitting on the bed covers close afraid to turn on the light for fear of what I may or may not see...

The sun helps... but it never last... and this artificial light is cold... and no where feels like the warmth of home...xx

here's my fear... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _...