I feel like I'm suffocating... and the temporary moments where I feel like I can breathe, where I feel in general, are few and far between... The only time I feel free or alive lately is when I'm driving which I've been doing a great deal lately, just driving to some unknown destination far away from... I honestly don't know what I've been driving away from or even what or where I'm driving to... I get this way sometimes... restless... where I just want to drive to the middle of no where... I'd like to find a large open field where I can look in any direction and see nothing... I just want to lay there until the sun sets and the stars come out... then I want to lay there the entire night and find some clarity in that moment... I have been busting my ass for some unknown goal since 2004 and I still have no clue when I'll be able to sit for a moment and just be still... have no demands placed on my shoulders, have no worries, no cares, just nothingness... I took my childhood (as short as it was) for granted and I know that now... I think I'm going to regress later in life and have the childhood I never got to have... I'm going to do everything I never got to do... sooner rather than later... I feel old sometimes... I've felt older than my age since I was a kid... I always knew how the real world was... always knew limitations... I just want my hope and faith restored... I don't like to feel like this body is just dying a slow death around me... I miss feeling invincible... I miss feeling like I could do anything... I have more power to do things now and more things in my reach than I've ever had but things seem so far sometimes...
I miss my dreams... I miss feeling... I don't know... I just feel dead inside...xx
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