I'm afraid...

that's the real issue here. I am scared. I have a paralyzing fear that keeps me from doing things I really want to do. Like with karaoke for example. I was afraid. I am afraid of failure. So scared that I would rather not try at all. So scared of what people think. Not all people just the ones that I hold on pedestals. Maybe they shouldn't be up there maybe they're just like me but I put them up there and now I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid they're going to see me for what I really am. I pretend to be so strong so brave so fearless but inside I'm a scared little girl. I'm sitting in the corner my hands folded in my lap eyes to the floor afraid to make my move. Why? WHY? When did I forget how to play? How to live? I act like I don't give a shit what people think. I don't care what 99% of people think but it's different with you. It's different with things I'm passionate about. Sometimes with things like that, I care to much. I can't just let go. There are other issues here and I can't believe they're issues at all. I feel wrong just feeling this way. I'm incoherent right now...
What's wrong with me? What am I talking about? I know what I'm talking about I'm just having a hard time putting everything I want to say in plain text. Lines and Lines of words can't come close to everything I'm trying to express everything on my mind.
And also as wrong as this is... It bothered me seeing him with her. It bothered me not for the reason you may think. Not because I wish I were her. I'm not that selfish. I just wish he were happy. He looked miserable and it rubbed me the wrong way. He shouldn't have to live his life like that. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he is happy but if that's what happiness looks like I think he is missing out. I think he really doesn't know what happiness is with that expression on his face. Maybe he's so used to settling maybe he's so used to just taking what life hands him that he's become content with his misery. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. He didn't smile the entire time he was with her and that scares me... I'm sure I'm reading too much into this but I don't think he deserves to live his life one moment unhappy. I don't think he deserves to settle. He deserves so much more than I think he's used to. I just wish he could see that. I want him to be happy.... There's nothing more I can say.
this is the most random, incoherent post I've ever written but I know what I'm trying to say and I know what I mean and I wrote this for myself so... My simple words don't do it justice. They don't do him justice...xx
to be continued...