I'm going to run...

I've made up my mind. It's not the world it's not me, it's this town. It's the dreams that have fallen at my feet walking down the empty streets. My dreams won't stay broken like so many other's here. I felt different on our road trip. I felt alive for the first time in a while. I felt like anything was within my reach and anything was possible. Then I get back home and the feeling doesn't last more than a couple of days. It's this place. I knew the entire world didn't feel like this. I have the proof I need in those mountains in that sky. I knew then that I am meant for so much more than this town. This town that knows my past, my "mistakes" all too well and reminds me daily. These people who knew me well and let me fall alone. Who turned their backs when I was dying inside and out. When I thought about driving on the wrong side of the road at high speeds (and did) daily. When I thought it would be better to end it than to cause pain to the people I love. I wanted to end it to end other's pain. I've hurt so many people. My family. I was a burden on my mother and she didn't know how to help me and I didn't know how to help me but I knew how to help her. In a moment that can best be described as insanely calm I planned it out. I went through the motions and there's not a day I don't think about it and other attempts. I know running away isn't the answer. But starting over sounds like a good plan. I am so tired of thinking about the past. I know the only reason I'm thinking about it now is because I feel backed up against a corner. I feel trapped and when I feel trapped I'm looking for an exit. No it won't be that, never again that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. But I need breathing room sometimes. I need to feel free. I NEED TO FEEL FREE... I felt a taste of it being near those mountains and I can't live like this knowing for a moment I felt like that. Knowing there's more than this. It's only a matter of time before I've really had enough. I'm going to pick up and go and forget this town. Forget my past. Forget the people. Forget... And start over. I'm not saying it's been all bad because it hasn't and I am eternally optimistic about the future but I would love to be able to go somewhere and not know a single person and not have a single person think they know me. I would love to be someone new. Someone who doesn't have those kinds of problems. Someone who doesn't call on a blade or pills when she's lost and hopeless... That will not define me anymore... I'm not a fucking anti-depressant and I'm not the cuts in my wrists. I am however, Free. More Free than I thought I could ever be two years ago.
I'm going to run soon... I'm awake for the first time in my life and I'm going to run with it.
You're invited. If you ever feel unoriginal and unimportant and your past keeps riding your make we can make an exit. Just let me know. I'll keep my bags packed... I'm going to run...
your smile is enough to hold me back but it's going to happen even if I go alone...xx