_ _ _ _ _ _ _ I didn't know the word until I...

hmm... It's not a word I take lightly it's not a subject I take lightly but sometimes I feel like I'm being tested. I don't know if I'm strong enough to... Resist. I didn't even want to say that outloud. Two certain individuals one a little more than the other have really started to make me question my beliefs and my moral standards... It scares me. That word scares me. I know it's wrong... God I know it's wrong but... fuck these emotions. Fuck being a girl.
It's good he was gone before I got there. I feel weak... Maybe I need to stay away from him. The temptation isn't there if he isn't there. But I swear to God if he divorces her (which I hope he doesn't because I really want the best life possible for him. I believe he loves her I just hope she feels the same way. I pray she does. I don't know what I would do if I found out she cheated on him. Or if she hurt him. I'd kill her... I said it, I would fucking kill her.) I don't know what I would do. I feel completely out of my comfort zone and I don't like it. I don't like this at all. Same with mystery guy two, he has a girlfriend and I'm not as close to him yet but... Men. I feel dumb. I feel uncomfortable. I feel weak. I feel so weak. Jesus... Why do I constantly feel like I'm being tested. I feel myself giving in more and more as I get older. I used to be so strong. This situation in general makes me feel so... Helpless. Strange thing is. I like it. I want to let go I want to give in so bad it scares me. Like paralyzing fear, scares me. I've got to let go of these feelings and let go of these thoughts before they get me in real trouble.
I can't do this. I do know that. He can't either, so good thing he wasn't there. Even though... I'll leave those thoughts where they belong felt but unsaid, unactedout upon. Safe... Hidden...
I can tell now I've got to watch it or I'm going to get more than I bargained for...
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=bad
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=wrong
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=against everything I stand for.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=more than I can give
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=ruins lives
_ _ _ _ _ _ _=will remain an unspoken desire.
He's better than that. I'm better than that. I just want him to be happy. A limitless happy. A happy that is more than I could ever give him, even if it's with her. He deserves it. He's one of the best I've met and I'm grateful for his company but from now on I'm going to keep things to myself...
geeze I've got to start hanging out with #1 guys closer to my age (though I've always liked older guys) #2 single men (which is a dying breed they're married taken or gay. The good ones anyways). Sigh... I'm still _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. f_ _k M_!!!
goodnight... sweetdreams...xx