Why do I always feel like a failure?

Or better why do you have to make me feel like a fuck up. I am a fuck up I know. I know I've fucked up. I know I keep fucking up. I know better than you. I live this life everyday. I see myself and the mistakes I've made. I see them everyday I don't need you force feeding me that I'm a failure.
God damn it I'm only 20. I feel like I'm wasting my breath. I feel like when I'm doing good in your eyes then I'm on top of the world but the second I make a mistake everything I've ever done comes back to bitch slap me.
Yes I'm taking a break from college. Yes I dropped out of highschool. Yes I tried to kill myself. Yes I've treated you like shit in the past. Yes I have four credit cards and I live from pay check to pay check and still barely make it by the skin of my fucking teeth. Yes I owe you more money than I can repay right now. Yes you're paying my car payment and insurance because I promised I would stay in school if you did. Yes every time something goes wrong I go to you even though I say I'm an adult and can take care of myself. I don't know where I would be without your support. I sure as hell know I wouldn't be living out on my own.
why do I feel like we're all we have and still feel like this everyday.
why is it I can help everyone but myself. I'm there for you and anyone else in my life when they have their crisises but when I'm sitting here crying unable to breath having my own crisis that I feel like no one gives a damn.
I'm 20 years old and I don't have shit to show for my life. I've let things I can't control fuck up my life and it's become a vicious cycle I don't know how to undo.
Why is it when little things go wrong it's "You're going to end up just like your father" you haven't said it this time but I can see it on the tip of your tongue. It's your way to push me off the edge and you know it. Telling me that shit doesn't make it better it doesn't give me a drive to do the opposite. I'm spiteful but when it comes from you I can't prove you wrong.
I didn't ask you to buy a fucking house so that you could rent it to me. I was perfectly content with living in my "shithole" (as you call it) apartment. I'm happy here, so happy and now I feel like I'm being forced to move into this house because you've finacially obligated yourself to me again. only this time i didn't ask for it. sure you say it will be easier because my rent will be cheaper. big fucking deal I like to struggle to get by. I like not having enough money to go blow it on stupid shit I don't need anyways. I like living from pay check to pay check and I love my shithole apartment I can barely afford. sure you may think ungrateful right? you just bought me a house and I'm such an ungrateful bitch that I don't want to live in it. I didn't ask you to help me I didn't ask you to buy a fucking house. I didn't ask you for anything. but now I feel obligated to you and I'm going to move into your fucking house. I'm going to leave the apartment where I feel safe and secure and home. I'm going to pack up my shit and move into this house and then we'll be even. You didn't even let me enjoy living here. You just rushed me out back closer to you.
this sucks. I'm not ready to leave this shithole. I have never been so happy in my life. ever. and in a week it will all be over. and i'll have to start over...
thanks for the house.
god damn it...
I'm sorry this in incoherent I have nothing else to say except it was nice to not have to rely on you even if it was for 6 months. it was nice to struggle to get by and be completely independent. it was nice to feel like home for the first time in my life... it was nice and now it's over.