Secret: I'm Broken...

I'm so broken I don't think I'm fixable anymore and I don't know if I could ever burden someone to help fix me when I can't even fix myself.
I can't call him because he deserves better than I can offer. He knows it and I know it. I can't talk to C.A. because he deserves better. I am not worth anything especially to either of them. I'm not even worth these words I'm writing now. I have nothing to offer anyone. Nothing.
I should go ahead and prepare myself for a long life alone. I guess it's good I like being alone because that's how I'm going to end up.
God I hate myself so much. I hate what I see in the mirror everyday. I hate the mistakes I've made. I could have gotten the hell out of this town and actually been something if I hadn't fucked up so much. Why do I continue to fuck everything up.
I'm going to be just like my dad if something doesn't change soon. I would rather be anything but him. I just feel like if I were given more of a chance I wouldn't be where I am today.
And the smallest thing has spurred these emotions. I hate that I'm so fucking emotional. Just suck it up and force it all back inside you cry baby your problems are no worse than anyone else's so stop being a whinny bitch. Just keep it inside it's worked so far. Wear a smile on the outside and be dying slowly on the inside. Tell everyone you're fine when you're scared as hell about everything from talking to him to deciding what you want to do with your life.
I'm broken but nothing can take my hope that things can't possible get worse and my faith that God does not give us more than we can handle.
I know this is random as hell but it's a combination of a stupid fucking song and feelings of unworthiness based on several reasons.
I hate feeling this way but I know it will pass and I'll go back to being numb. I guess I needed a cry... I'm such an idiot to let myself get worked up over nothing... I hate being a girl sometimes... boys don't go through this shit why should I?
xx ~the more I try to feel the less I'm home...
P.S.if the situation were hopeless you'd tell me right?