Secrets

I heard about this blog where you send in post cards with secrets on them. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ and I thought about it and I was thinking I don't really have any secret secrets but then I read some of these peoples post cards and I realized I have a hell of a lot more secrets than I care to admit, but I'm going to try to so here goes (I'll over analyze in more detail later)
1. I have a paralyzing fear of failure example: I still haven't gone back to college even though it's been three quarters because I'm afraid I'll be a failure.
2.I don't want to get close to my father now that I'm an adult because he's not in the best of health and I know I would get attatched and I have too many things going on to deal with him dying at this point in my life.
3.I use my physical appearance as a shield to protect me from getting close to others. (this will make more sense later)
4.I say I don't have time for a relationship and don't want to deal with the drama when really I do I'm just afraid to get attactched to a guy because of my trust issues.
5. I self sabotage myself before I get in to deep (school, relationships) because I feel like if I mess it up or end it then I'm still in control.
6. Sometimes I wish I were still medicated so I wouldn't have to feel.
7. I wish everyday was Halloween so I wouldn't have to spend oneday as me.
8. I live a double life not by choice and I wish that it were okay to just be me the good and the bad. Example:I want another tattoo but I already have to hide the one I have because of my family.
9. Everyonce in a while I like to hurt myself (physically or mentally)
10. I don't think I'm worth anyone's time to get to know.
11. I feel like my body is a prison. I've felt trapted since I was 8.
12. I don't like people to know I'm smart because they're already intimidated by me.
13. I would give up everything I own for him to think of me.
14. I manipulate my mom because I know she feels guilty about my childhood.
15. I write everyday or I get stressed out.
16. I use sarcasm to tell people how I really feel because I don't want to hurt their feelings.
17. I was almost institutionalized when I was in highschool but they wouldn't take me because I told them I didn't want to kill myself (though I had already tried.)
18. Even when I was thinner I would still look in the mirror and cry.
19. I use humor to deal with issues that aren't even remotely funny.
20. I'm still afraid to eat in front of people. I have anxiety everytime I go to a restraunt even now.
21. I get nervous around large groups of people my age sometimes and I want to run away.
22. I faked ADD because I heard Aterol would make you thin.
23. I always go for guys that I know are wrong for me so the relationship is doomed from the start because I have a fear of a long term relationship.
24. I used September 11 as a excuse not to go back to school(a military school) when the real reason was because I knew my mom couldn't afford it.
25. When I was in highschool I would never invite friends over because I was ashamed I lived in a trailer.
Okay I think this is a good stopping point. I have to get ready for work. I didn't think I had that many but they just keep on coming. With that said goodnight.
To be continued...