Secret 37: I hate myself.

You think this would make me unhappy but it really doesn't. I can honestly whole heartedly say that I hate myself. I'm a good person but I think that's the only thing I have going for me.
Today I'm in one of my "I really hate myself" moods. Like I look in the mirror and I think if I weren't me and I was someone else looking at me from the outside I probably wouldn't hang with me. I probably wouldn't talk to me. I'm to a point where I am so disgusted with myself I don't even like to look in the mirror. I feel pretty about less that 1% of the time. It's rare very rare. I know I'm being shallow and harsh on myself but so much in this world is about image. I'm just not happy with what I see. Sometimes I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I don't understand how I can find beauty in everyone but myself. I don't understand why I'm so hard on myself. I mean I beat myself up daily about my outward appearance. I remember it got so bad that when I was in middle school and highschool I wouldn't eat in front of people. I wouldn't eat at all. I basically starved myself. It got to a point where I was so used to not eating in front of people that I would have anxiety about it when I had to. I still sometimes have trouble eating in front of people. I mean sure when I was starving myself I got down to my lowest weight but I wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy. I'm not the healthiest person now nor the happiest so I think why not starve myself again? That's so twisted it sounds like an eating disorder to me. I mean if I'm going to have anxiety about eating and feel guilty even when I eat a little bit why eat? I mean sure there's that whole I have to eat to live thing but maybe I could eat just enough to get by. I know that's not the healthy way to do but sometimes I get hopeless. I mean I've lost about 30 pounds since I started working but still it's like I lost thirty pounds and I still feel huge what did I look like before. I think I'm always going to have this image of myself. I mean I could be 100lbs and I'm still going to see fat. I don't want to diet and get so nit picky and obsessed that I wither away. (like the crackheads we see today in the media I'm not naming any names) I don't want to be anorexic. I want to be healthy and confident. I'm joining a gym as soon as I get my shit together. That's a first step also I've been eating a little healthier. When I eat. I think I had a eating disorder that was never dealt with it's screwed me up.
God, how do you work through years of hating yourself and being told you're shit? How do I get the negative images of myself brought on by myself and others out of my head? You know I have had a psychiatrist since I was in the 6th grade and I haven't seen one in a year and I'm thinking maybe I need to go back. I just don't want to live the rest of my life on medications. I've been medication free for nearly two years now. I'm just starting to get back to where I feel again and can remember things. Sometimes I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
Will I ever get out of the fucked up category and be able to be somewhat normal? I just want to be able to look in the mirror without finding some flaw. How do you feel beautiful when you've never felt beautiful?
XO Noah. I'm not unhappy but I'm not in love.