My past

This has turned into the Emo uber depressed blog. I have another it's happy and positive I guess this blog is my alter ego.
today I'm just reminiscing on old times. I look back at my past and I have no clue what in the hell happened. It's like at on point I just went insane. I don't like to think about my past or the people in it. But sometimes it just gets thrown in your face.
I was just born into abandonment and disappointment. I need to break that pattern before I get stuck in it. Some of it wasn't my fault mind you but a lot of it has been. A lot of it was preventable on my part.
Lets start with that which wasn't my fault for a moment. You know my dad was a drug addict who abandoned my mother and I when I was four. That's one of my earliest memories. Wondering where's my dad why don't I have a dad like normal kids (or what I thought was normal when I was a kid) You know I've held so much hate in my heart for this man for so long. I remember hating him and for what he had done at a very small age. A age when hate should be the furthest thing from a kids mind. Then I grew up. I eventually had a step dad who adopted me and then unadopted me I'm not even going to start on that story but I have issues with abandonment there because after the divorce he forgot I existed and he was my dad from 8 to nearly 15 which are very important years. I mean you're already having a hard enough time with teenage drama. But anyways we're not talking about him so back to my biological sperm donor. You know I see this man today and it's like any other stranger. I don't know him. I don't know anything about him. I don't know that side of my family. I hate that. I'm really big on family and I know all of one cousin and my grandmother on that side. And I barely know them at all. I can't even tell you their last names. I've wanted to be in contact with them since I was a kid but my fathers not close to them so he would never give me any clues to where they even were. Maybe I'm better off not knowing them I guess I'll never know. But the not knowing my dad that hurts. The few things I know about him are negative. Like he was a drug addict he cheated on my mom numerous times with random people as well as her friends. He's homeless. He's never held a steady job in his life. He's a bum in every sense of the word. And I hate that my mom had to struggle to pick up the slack for him. I hate that she had to work in a factory and never got the opportunity to go to college. I hate him for making her life as hard as it's been. He married her. He loved her the best way he knew how yet he still did those things to her. That's not love. I hate him for her sake. I hate him for hurting her more than I hate him for hurting me. I can deal with it I'm used to it but sometimes I feel so sorry for my mom because she wants to be married and be in a relationship with someone who feels the same way about her and now at 50 she feels like it's never going to happen. I hate that. I want her to be happy more than I want anyone in this world to be happy. I want her to be happy more than I want myself to be happy. I want her to be loved like she deserves.
you know I have trust issues with men because of this. I've never been in a serious relationship with someone I fully trust. I don't know if I ever will be. There are some days like today where I'd love to be in a relationship and be able to tell him this instead of blogging about it but then I think do I really want that extra drama. You know when you're fed that men are evil and that they're all dogs and will cause you nothing but pain you start to believe it. That's all I hear out of my mom and numerous female family members. They've been telling me that years. And it's like damnit let me decide let me make up my own opinions. I know they say it because they don't want me to get hurt but maybe I want to be hurt. It's got to be better than what I'm feeling now. sigh... Why can't my opinions be my own and not be a product of years of brainwash. Why can't I just trust people for who they are? Why can't I let go of the past and move on? I say I've moved on I don't dwell on it but some days I just get in a funk. I have to break this cycle before it's too late. XO Noah