...xx

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Currently ListeningLife on Life's TermsBy Bedlight for Blue Eyessee related
It's been awhile but i think it's time to resurrect this graveyard of words... life has been chaotic... as cliche' as it is it's been like a roller coaster... just up and down up and down upside downs blinding colors and lights... everything was starting to calm down i think i'm finally off the ride when my foundation gets rooted up yet again... i'm not going into details... but i thought i had lost my best friend to some nobody... i was hurt said things i didn't mean said many things i did mean... and... pushed away one of the best things that has ever happened in my life because i was hurting... still hurting... i know she is too and i hate that most of all... i didn't mean to hurt her but i just felt like my spirit was dying i felt like i was killing hers too... we had been fighting or bickering frequently and then when i did get to see her alone we sat in silence because i've honestly forgotten how to talk to her... i felt so distant from her even when she was right there... that's nothing like our friendship at all i've always been able to talk to her but now i find myself sugar coating things or not saying what i really mean or not saying anything at all... it's frustrating not feeling like you can talk to one of the only people who's been there to listen in so long... and i know a lot of it is my fault but a lot of it is this little shit "boyfriend" she has... you know i thought he was a great guy... but the more i know him the more i find out the more i realize he's just a little boy who needs a lot of growing up to do... and i think she's way too good for him... he's a little dip shit nobody... he lacks intelligence and ambitions... yeah he's in the military but i think it's a cop out because he has no real aspirations in life... i've lost all respect for him and i can't been around him... i didn't think it was fair to say "hey he's not allowed at our house" so i did ask that she start moving her things out of the house... yeah it was rash... but like i said a lot happened and i was hurt... we all make mistakes... she and i had actually been talking about her moving out for like a month now because we've just been too close i guess and we both agreed it would help salvage our friendship if she got her own place... if he makes her happy you know that's what i want for her she does deserve it... but secretly i believe she'll wake up next to him one day and be like wooh this isn't what i want at all... he's not all bad but like i said he's not good enough for her... i think she'll always wonder "what if" i don't know i'm rambling and this is a pretty long come back... i miss her you know... i wake up and i can't walk in the other room and she be there... i haven't talked to her in so long... and it's everything i can do to get out of bed because i miss her so fucking much... it's like losing a sister... we're trying to mend... i pray we do... i love her like she was my sister... i hope i made the right choice as rash as it was...
anyways in other news... taylor and i are repaired i think... and i think we're going to be okay... he's supposed to be moving to milledgeville... hmm... we'll see... i get so confused sometimes about everything... but i do know i love him and he does make me so happy when i'm with him... i just wish i knew for certain that this is right... i feel like it is... but i've been wrong before... i have no faith in myself or my judgement anymore... and i don't know how to fix it... god everything is so hard right now i just wish i could breathe... i just wish i could think... one more week of school then maybe i can sit down and think things out... i only have one more quarter then it's one to a bigger fish tank... i'm terrified of what's out there but i'm also excited... i want to go to SCAD so freaking bad i can taste it... taste like being punched in the mouth currently... it's so expensive and i don't want to be just another pretentious art brat... i want to make something for myself... i want to be a writer a photographer a journalist... but at the same time i want to help as many people as i can before i die... i guess i never knew i wanted to save the world until someone taught me it was worth saving... i hope she remembers that... my mind is so full i can't think straight... eh... that's all i can get out for today... always choose love hate will get you in the end...xx