Rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons

hey remember that time...

2009-09-02T20:33:00.002-05:00

i miss you... i miss myself... i miss my life... it starts back the 16th... i'm so scared i wish you were here and could walk me to class like i did you when you started back... i was so proud of you that day... still am you're one of the strongest women i know... do you still read this?
so many good times caused by you... i miss going to the cemetery at night and how the boys were always more afraid than us... i miss sitting in our spot for hours talking about everything and nothing... i miss buffingtons and you tricking me on stage to sing promising you'd sing with me and then you turned off your mic the entire time... i miss how it felt singing on stage with you sitting on the speaker holding your kamakazi... deon laura Paquito cordell chris chasity and the girl who ided me when i was drinking under age but not you... hours at the hop in tawf... our drunken logic and how we never got drunk...
getting off work only to spend hours at sonic... never sleeping... tattoos piercings tattoos... experimenting life... cloves... guitar hero... post secret...
our friendship was just starting this time in 05 was it? it seems like you've always been there though... we were meant to be friends and now that you aren't here i feel like a part of me is missing...
i just feel lost... and i'm afraid... the 16th is coming so fast and you aren't here... i'm so scared to face the world without you... what am i going to do?

I'm addicted to your white lies...

2009-08-25T14:24:00.002-05:00

in vain

it's been three months. i could have loved you the rest of my life but you... you're too selfish. you weren't always. I remember at one time I told you to be more selfish that people were taking advantage of you. Am I the reason you've become this person you are now? I do blame myself in a way. You cheated with three girls that I know of. What was going through your mind when you were fucking them (forgive my bluntness)? I meant to ask but you would have just lied anyways. You still lie to me. You lie to the new girl. You lie to yourself.
I hate the person you are now. Maybe it was you all along and you hid it. Everyone around me saw it but I saw something different. I hurt so many people pushed so many people away and it's your fault. so many bridges burned for you. and you've done nothing for me except destroy my spirit. I miss the old me. the girl i was before i met you. I'm trying to get her back. i have in a lot of ways. God i hope i don't see you when i get to Seattle. you're not Taylor. Taylor was a fictional over romanticized character i made up because josh wasn't good enough. no that's not exactly what i mean. he wasn't though everyone says he wasn't good enough for me. i believe them now. he wasn't... Taylor was... but Taylor's not real... i tell myself that... i didn't see him much but i loved him with everything... and he let josh break me into pieces... how could he do that? he was my protector or so i thought... that night josh went ballistic... Taylor came through and he protected me... you really do have spilt personalities... i truly believe this and when you drink or do drugs you can't control them as well... i believe that... there is something dangerous inside of you and you do a good job of keeping it sedated but one day i fear you will go completely mad... that scares me... i wonder who will you hurt when you do...
maybe you won't get the chance to...
I dream about your death so vividly... i hate it. i wish i could just eternal sunshine of the spotless mind you and everything to do with you... this dream i have this nightmare i want it to go away but i can't control my dreams... I've heard you can learn how... but i don't know maybe i have a weak mind... i will write it here and see if it happens.... you are in a car listening to your music the song always varies i hear ten years sometimes disturbed sometimes shinedown... you have it loud as always... the car i can't see but it is a car... and dark.... you are wearing a long sleeved navy blue shirt... cargo pants... you're in a secluded area trees all about only a two lane highway... it's not dark out... maybe early morning... maybe evening the trees block out a lot of light... the road is wet... i want to stop here... cause I've seen you die so many times now... it's painful i always wake up crying... and see you're not beside me and i think it's already happened because you're not there where you used to be... am i crazy? i wonder sometimes... you are thrown from the car... i don't know what happens to cause this... slick road a deer you falling asleep i don't know... but there is glass all over the road and the radio is still playing... it's always the same song but i won't tell you what it is... you're bruised and broken bleeding in the road... and you are alone...
i used to feel like time was running out... was i supposed to die with you and now I'm not cause we broke up? or was it me sensing my time with you was nearly over? i hate not having answers... i hate the questions i ask even more... how long did it take you to cheat on me once you got to west v.a.? not long i imagine... josh was looking for a way out the whole relationship i think... two years... two years of my life... gone... i was so stupid to think i would marry you and you were fucking other girls... you had it made didn't you... a loving supporting gf at home... waiting patiently... i spent almost all of our relationship waiting do you realize that. and for what? empty words... false hope... nothing...
i won't write about you anymore... not after this rarely if ever... I've spent enough time on you... i thought you were worth it... i know now you're not... even this blog is more time wasted that you don't deserve... you're the only person in this world who makes me wish i had the ability to hate...
what goes around comes around... and if i were you... i would watch my back... she's hunting you as we speak... you know she always catches you...

This is why I can't give up without a fight May 2007

2008-09-16T01:27:00.000-05:00

I'm finally finished with my work long enough to sit down and write you. This is by far the strangest relationship I have ever been in. Not nessicarily a bad thing but I feel it needs to be noted. I always knew you were one of those special people. One of those people who has the ability to turn another person's world upside down. I never thought it would be me. You are one of my favorite people if not my favorite. You have a room, not just a place, but a whole room that is just for you in my heart. There are only 3 other people who have one of those. You have decorated it and put sheets on the bed, even a little teddy bear in the middle. I have to thank you. For being that person who listened when no one else would, for making me speak when I didn't know how. You listened to my petty problems and didn't judge me. You showed sincere concern for my feelings. Not only that but you enjoyed the company I gave. That surprises me the most. You wanted more than just my problems, you wanted to dig deeper, listen to my heart, bathe in the waters of my soul, feel and expirience my hopes, my dreams, the things that made me shiver late at night, you wanted to share in my triumphs, feel my disires. No subject was candid. While this was going on. I did the same, I entered your castle of walls and booby traps that lead to your heart. I asked questions and explored those things you said and refused to say but leaked through anyways. I never in my wildest dreams thought it would come to this. What are we? More than friends, but not in a relationship either. Let me tell you somethings you may not have known about me. I knew what love was when I was young. I knew and understood, that it was mysterious, and rare. I knew it made some fly and flung some into dispair. I understood that no matter what you did it was there, unconditional. I didn't understand how so many people believed it was love that they were feeling. I promised not to be like them. To wait for true love, the love of fantasy and legends. And I have tried, and succeeded in some ways. Whether they felt the same...I doubt it. No one is still here are they. But I loved them harder than steel. Unfortunately, I have had to build walls, gates, puzzles, keys, mazes, riddles and more to guard my heart against people who didn't have my best intentions at heart. I have saw and expirienced the heart ache it causes and never want to go through that. Yet it seems that every way I have learned it, it has snuck around and said 'hey I can do this too', For example, falling in love with two people at once. I think I know how you got in. Besides the fact you suffer from the awesomeness. By trying to make you fall in love with me, I let you into places you didn't try to get into. By gaining your keys and solving your puzzles you skipped some of mine. I have no doubt you could have done it. It would have been neat to see how though. I am all in Britt, I am not going to keep anything from happening, from this point forward, I'm all in. I just was trying to tell you, I am falling in love, I can't stop it, It's wonderful, and I'm so glad it's you. If it's too soon sorry. These aren't things you can control, you know when you are around someone like you, hauh what do you expect. I was overwhelmed. My dreams the other night made me realize where you are. I am falling from a cliff, and no parachute to help save. I do it with grace and pride though, because it is a girl who acctually deserves my love and will love me back in all the right ways. There are still things that I need to see and hear from you. I refuse to tell you what they are. I will say that it's very simple. No restraints, no regrets, no stopping, I'm locked into this roller coaster with no disire to get off. I'm scared of all the things that could happen. Please if you decide you don't want this or it's too crazy or for what ever reason, let me go. It'll hurt but I would rather you do that than mess up our friend ship. But I am me, I am everything you see and hear. The deepest seas of thought to the highest clouds of emotion. I have never been the first to fall. So congrats. So much more to say but I don't know how. Let this suffice for now.Love Always and Forever,~Joshua Taylor

...xx

2008-05-15T18:13:00.004-05:00

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Currently ListeningLife on Life's TermsBy Bedlight for Blue Eyessee related
It's been awhile but i think it's time to resurrect this graveyard of words... life has been chaotic... as cliche' as it is it's been like a roller coaster... just up and down up and down upside downs blinding colors and lights... everything was starting to calm down i think i'm finally off the ride when my foundation gets rooted up yet again... i'm not going into details... but i thought i had lost my best friend to some nobody... i was hurt said things i didn't mean said many things i did mean... and... pushed away one of the best things that has ever happened in my life because i was hurting... still hurting... i know she is too and i hate that most of all... i didn't mean to hurt her but i just felt like my spirit was dying i felt like i was killing hers too... we had been fighting or bickering frequently and then when i did get to see her alone we sat in silence because i've honestly forgotten how to talk to her... i felt so distant from her even when she was right there... that's nothing like our friendship at all i've always been able to talk to her but now i find myself sugar coating things or not saying what i really mean or not saying anything at all... it's frustrating not feeling like you can talk to one of the only people who's been there to listen in so long... and i know a lot of it is my fault but a lot of it is this little shit "boyfriend" she has... you know i thought he was a great guy... but the more i know him the more i find out the more i realize he's just a little boy who needs a lot of growing up to do... and i think she's way too good for him... he's a little dip shit nobody... he lacks intelligence and ambitions... yeah he's in the military but i think it's a cop out because he has no real aspirations in life... i've lost all respect for him and i can't been around him... i didn't think it was fair to say "hey he's not allowed at our house" so i did ask that she start moving her things out of the house... yeah it was rash... but like i said a lot happened and i was hurt... we all make mistakes... she and i had actually been talking about her moving out for like a month now because we've just been too close i guess and we both agreed it would help salvage our friendship if she got her own place... if he makes her happy you know that's what i want for her she does deserve it... but secretly i believe she'll wake up next to him one day and be like wooh this isn't what i want at all... he's not all bad but like i said he's not good enough for her... i think she'll always wonder "what if" i don't know i'm rambling and this is a pretty long come back... i miss her you know... i wake up and i can't walk in the other room and she be there... i haven't talked to her in so long... and it's everything i can do to get out of bed because i miss her so fucking much... it's like losing a sister... we're trying to mend... i pray we do... i love her like she was my sister... i hope i made the right choice as rash as it was...
anyways in other news... taylor and i are repaired i think... and i think we're going to be okay... he's supposed to be moving to milledgeville... hmm... we'll see... i get so confused sometimes about everything... but i do know i love him and he does make me so happy when i'm with him... i just wish i knew for certain that this is right... i feel like it is... but i've been wrong before... i have no faith in myself or my judgement anymore... and i don't know how to fix it... god everything is so hard right now i just wish i could breathe... i just wish i could think... one more week of school then maybe i can sit down and think things out... i only have one more quarter then it's one to a bigger fish tank... i'm terrified of what's out there but i'm also excited... i want to go to SCAD so freaking bad i can taste it... taste like being punched in the mouth currently... it's so expensive and i don't want to be just another pretentious art brat... i want to make something for myself... i want to be a writer a photographer a journalist... but at the same time i want to help as many people as i can before i die... i guess i never knew i wanted to save the world until someone taught me it was worth saving... i hope she remembers that... my mind is so full i can't think straight... eh... that's all i can get out for today... always choose love hate will get you in the end...xx

2008-05-15T18:13:00.001-05:00

just dandy and you?

2008-05-11T17:51:00.002-05:00

So things have changed a lot in this month alone maybe for the better maybe for the worst. MaKenzie and I have parted ways after nearly two years. I haven't talked to her in around 5 days... it's very odd... not talking to your best friend... in days... some many people are mad at me... including her ex and her recent boyfriend... who by the way is a serious douche bag... he had the nerve to call me a drug addict when I've rarely seen a day when he doesn't smoke pot... she's too good for him i just wish she saw it... she's way smarter than he could ever hope to be... i don't know why she's with him or why it feels like she's choosing a month relationship over a nearly three year relationship... i don't know... i hate this i hate not being able to talk to her... (because her parents came down and got her phone car and computer)(and she doesn't live with me as of this weekend)...
other than that I'm almost done with school only one quarter left and Taylor is moving in... so many things going on...

I meant to tell you I changed my blog address

2007-11-06T20:18:00.000-05:00

but I didn't :)
will I ever look at you like I look at anyone else... your bright wide eyes and beautiful lashes that frame those meadow colored eyes like the shore frames the ocean... your childlike smile and the way it makes your sophisticated serious face turn into that of a child just being told he's going to Disney land... the way your very presence commands a rooms attention unintentionally... or maybe it's just my attention... when I look at you I'm not sure what I feel honesty is it intrigue after months have passed... you're still a mystery to me yet I think I've got you figured out... why am I writing about you anyways... aah... why not... fascinating the way you have things down to an art... the way girls crowd around you... and giggle... they way a you connect people who would normally be strangers... everyone else the equation you are what it equals... does that make sense... it does in my head... you've connected me with my best friend as well as enemies... sip your drink... smoke your oh so uncommon brand of cigarettes... overwhelming since of Christmas when you exhale... which by the way I see kids who have no concern with being "cool" smoking... they don't pull it off like you... why because they actually do care about appearances... you don't see that's part of the captivation... not like it was... but still evident... I'm out...xx

To My Almost Lover

2007-10-08T07:23:00.000-05:00

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do~a fine frenzy

everyday it becomes easier to let you go...xx

I Wonder...

2007-09-09T04:54:00.000-05:00

who were the first two people to have sex?
I'd like to go back in time and find out... i also wonder if sex has evolved a great deal or were people just keeping hush hush about the things we now do very publicly?
either way i think i should like to be a sex therapist in my spare time... do they have a college for that? i think people's outlooks could be vastly improved if they were having better sex...
to quote a dear friend "life is too short for bad sex."
fortunately for me my bad sex experiences have been low...
SEX it's a good thing...

What a shame we all became such fragile broken things...

2007-09-09T04:23:00.000-05:00

"maybe he gave up his dreams to help fight for yours"
Looking at old photo albums of my mother from many years ago I wondered when did she give into repetition... she looked so happy so carefree so young like nothing could hold her back... yet at some point she got stuck in this endless cycle... a cycle she has been in for 33 years now... 33 years... can you imagine doing the exact same thing for 33 years... i suppose it would be okay if it were something she loved... but she hates her job... I used to think she did it for me... because she had to support me but she worked there 11 years before i was even born so what happened? when did she wake up and say this is it i may as well make the best of it? she had dreams at one time... she was going to be an architect... when did she let go of those dreams and give into the "reality" she's live for 33 years... I just don't understand it... my mothers an intelligent woman she could have been the greatest architect we've ever seen if she hadn't given up... when does life get so hopeless for a person that they give up... is that why she has pushed me so hard...
I'm almost done with GMC and still no closer to deciding what's next... another college I'm sure... but for what? there are endless possibilities (or that's what they say) so what's next? I used to have dreams too and my mother made me believe they were within reach so when did i stop believing? I'm only 21 but 22 approaches with the new year... what then... I know i don't want to work in a factory the rest of my life that's one thing i do know... is it wrong to say I'm to intelligent for most people's realities... i suppose so... i think everyone has the potential to be smart to be something if they just apply themselves... and then there's people like me who barely have to try to make the grades... sigh... maybe if i had, had to work for it I would know what I'm working for... all i know as of now is I'm in debt at 22 and i have no clue what's next except more debt but I couldn't be happier... all I really want out of life is to be happy... that's what everyone basically wants their version of happiness... I have that... I'm immensely happy... yes things could be very different... like I want to get out of this town... but I'm basically as happy as i can be right now...
There's more to life than this and I believe that will come with time... by god i think I've finally learned the meaning of patience... school starts back the 12th... one more quarter closer to being done with GMC... after that who knows... but it will be here before i know it... i can wait...xx

Perfect only in her imperfections

2007-06-27T16:33:00.000-05:00

May 17 was my last update it seems like a million years ago so let me give you the updates...
I'm still in school summer quarter is the fastest only two months... I'm taking bullshit classes for the most part except my American Government class which I actually enjoy... my ethics class isn't so bad because Anderson is in my class again... I can not express how much I love that boy... and then I'm taking a world lit class at night which sucks cause I'm too tired to give it the focus it deserves... I'm bored with this school in general and ready to move on to bigger things... the more I'm in this town the more mediocre I and the people in this town are... I'm bored with pretty much everyone with the exception of a couple of people...
I'm think about either moving somewhere really drastic (Arizona) or going with the original plan and moving to Savannah after I get my degree... I want to go to SCAD... as I've said before... I really just want to get out of this town and away from the people here... so either way you look at it, it's a win, win situation...
So... what else... oh yeah... there's this guy I've been talking to for awhile... since November... but we were only friends... he's amazing... I can talk to him for hours and not get bored... I can talk about nothing and not want to hang up the phone... even the silences that were once awkward are now comforting... I met him nearly two years ago and he has since then moved back home... a couple hours drive away... it's such a shame I mean he's been so good about coming to visit... but the distance sucks... I know if he were here we could be amazing... he's just so easy to talk to... and he gets me... and he listens... and his musical taste is like top of the line... I don't know I haven't talked about him all that much cause like I said we were only friends... but now... I love that man... it's crazy... I wasn't sure I was capable of loving anyone... turns out I was wrong... we'll see where it goes... so far it's been... breathtaking...
So that's pretty much all I have for you today... life is at an odd place right now... but I'm okay...

We all lose it from time to time...

2007-05-17T01:16:00.000-05:00

Does is ever get to a point where you don't have to work for what you want? I don't think it does... I think if you weren't born into a life where shit is handed to you (such as a college education) then you have to work (no beyond work...slave) just to try and keep up, and it's not enough because no matter what you do you're not coming out on top. There's ridiculous loans you owe, there's bill collectors at your fucking back every fucking day... constantly rubbing your mistakes in your face... I seriously can't fucking take it anymore... I just want a god damn education that's it why is that so fucking hard it's not like I'm even going to the most expensive college... I settled... why because I was a depressed dumb fucking moron who dropped out of highschool because I couldn't function without medication and I didn't want to be around people... I had panic attacks just thinking about going to school or public for that matter... so I was home schooled by a "christian" program that isn't even accredited by Georgia (little detail they left out) and I had to get my GED which I passed (no shit not like it's hard any dumb ass can get their GED) not only passed but I barely missed any questions... but because of this one fucking mistake (dropping out) I'm having to pay... I lost sight of my hopes and dreams... I was going to be someone god damn it... now... now I feel like I'll be lucky if they give me my job back at Wal-Mart... I am such a fuck up... God... God...(do you even hear me anymore) where are you... why have I had to struggle my entire life while these little dip shit prick assed bitches who have their mommy and daddy give them everything take it for granted... they do... worthless waste of society if they had to work a day in their pathetic lives they would die... people are clueless to how the other half lives... I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head but I can barely afford that and i live in the middle of fucking no where it's not like I live in a ritzy neighborhood... I can't do this shit on my own... I'm so fucking tired... and no one gives a damn.... no one's listening to me just like no one's listening to you... we have become the most selfish generation this world has ever seen... worthless... this world has turned to shit... it's all about money and what people can gain from other people... I refuse to be like that... I just want to better myself why is that so hard... I need help... I need some fucking help...I just want to sleep my life away most days especially on days when I don't have school... I sleep... because I'm so fucking stressed(depressed)... and what's the answer to that MEDICATION I'll be damned... I'll fucking die before I'm medicated again that was the worst part of my life... besides I can't afford medication anyways... that's America's answer to everything "we have a medication for that" it's a fucking cover up and I refuse to be numb one more day of my life... I would rather cut every fucking day and feel than be medicated... fuck that... God, I am so screwed... I'm screwed and it's my own fault and I don't know how to fix it... I don't know what else to do... I'm trying so hard... so fucking hard... but nothing helps... no one's listening why the fuck do I bother...I just want to sleep it away until things are better... don't mistake this for wanting to die that's not the issue here... I want to live... I want to live so fucking bad... but I'm so tired... I'm just tired...I'm sorry if you read through all my bitching I'm sure you have problems of your own you don't need to be concerned with me (if you even are) I'm a fucking idiot ignore this post... I just needed to vent and since I usually keep things to myself I thought I would let it out here... I'm the most stupid smart girl I know...xx

This wait for destiny won't do... be with me please I beseech you...

2007-05-07T21:35:00.000-05:00

3 more weeks until another quarter is over... the quarter has been one of my favorites by far and I'll be sad for this one to end... I made the Dean's list again and I got invited to join the Honors Society though I have no clue how I got nominated unless my awesome English teacher was behind it. I mean they let you join if you are on the deans list for more than one quarter I heard but I still think she has something to do with it.
Life is going pretty good right now... I have no complaints... everything's going so well.
I went to Savannah last weekend and I've decided I'm going to apply to S.C.A.D. I love Savannah and I feel like I belong there so I'm going to try it out. I know I'm good enough to get into S.C.A.D. either with my artwork or my grades. I have about 3 quarters left until I'm done. Which puts me graduating early next year... it's about time... I wish I hadn't taken that year off and I would be done with this mess... I'm ready to leave here... I hate that I'm leaving my family because they are something I hold in the highest value but I can't stay here... I'm not meant to be in this town... nor with anyone in it... I'm hoping I can convince those I'm truly close to, to come with me... we'll see... I know I'm not the only one dying for a change...
Eh... I'm excited, Savannah rejuvenated me... and it helped me remember an old dream that I think will soon be realized... finally...
Also there's this guy... I don't want to jinx it but I think he's awesome... it took me a while to realize it but I'm realizing it hard... and he's become a very big factor in my life... we'll see where it goes... regardless he's someone I want in my life long term if we're dating or otherwise... We're going to see DEFTONES and I'm freaking excited as shit...

A moment to breathe would be beyond nice...

2007-04-23T17:17:00.000-05:00

Money is fucking evil... I hate it and I wish there was no need for it... it makes enemies out of nice people...
Besides that... It's a shame it feels like we're losing a friendship we've fought for, for almost two years... it feels like it's falling to the floor... I have fought with you and for you... and I will continue to defend you... but I have been more than hurt from this situation... you say the fight isn't with me yet you've been rubbing things in my face and being vindictive... and you are not the only one hurting right now... you are not the only one who feels betrayed... and you are not the only one who has given to this friendship... emotional or financial support... yet to read your blogs you act like you are the only one giving which is far from the truth... I don't know your motivation building yourself up this way but it's wrong and I won't do the same to you... I know you have contributed I've said that many times in your defense whether the party involved chooses to believe me or not is her and your concern... and I want no part in this fight anymore... it's ridiculous to involve me... I've done what I can and spoke out in your defense I don't know what else to do... at the end of the day my mother owns the house we live in and she has ultimate say... so if you want to convince someone you should go to her... and talk to her as adults instead of blogging back and forth or leaving snotty comments and texting me... I'm not fighting via text it's immature... pick up the phone or talk to me face to face... you are not a victim... no one is against you... you have not been betrayed... I am tired of being emotionally drained so I'm done with it... I'm stepping out of the argument... you just seem to keep forgetting it's not between you and I and the cheap shots and personal jabs are lower than I thought you would sink... you're not that type of person and it hurts... this fucking hurts... not only you but me... but I'm keeping this private where only you I and her can read it I wish you would do the same... this HURTS... fucking hell... I'm not fighting anymore... I'm done...

I love you so fucking much I would die for you... I would do anything to help you... but I'm hurting... and I don't know what else to do...

I didn't get to kiss you... goodbye on the hand...

2007-04-19T00:42:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to be nonchalant... but... I miss you... as odd as that sounds... all I ever wanted was to not be strangers... that's it...

Go Go Freedom of Speech...

2007-04-12T18:00:00.000-05:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3036713/

I'm not saying I agree with his statements or many others people have made through out our time, but if you're going to fire him then several rap Cd's among other things should be recalled. This world is going to be a grim place when we lose our rights to express ourselves and our opinions. Freedom of Speech means just that Freedom to speak as you so choose... not only have they taken his job but also his rights as an American... a right that has been around longer than we've been alive...

I dread the day...

I've never been so alone and I've... never been so alive...

2007-04-12T01:42:00.000-05:00

will the drama ever come to an end... I'm tired... contrary to popular belief I don't like drama... some drama is fun... constant drama is draining... I need an emotional nap as emo ghey as that sounds... I get tired of feeling... and then there are times when I don't feel at all... I wish there was some sort of balance... I think I prefer not feeling at all... what does that say about me?

Just a reminder to breathe

2007-03-28T23:31:00.000-05:00

back in school... I'm taking earlier classes... I don't like getting up in the morning... it's not really that early it's just early for me... I like my class so far but I've only been back one day so...
My life is back to normal... all the drama is over... for the most part, I like it at times, but then I find it insanely boring at others... everyone needs a little something extra in their lives... I just got more than I asked for... other than that things are well... well enough...xx

There is no future... there is no past...

2007-03-26T17:03:00.000-05:00

Updates and Randomness...
Registration is tomorrow... I'm ready for this to be over...
We ran from a stalker in wal-mart i felt alive... terrified... but alive
Anderson's friend Sonny looks like the American version of Jesus
I think I'll be a tattoo artist one day... I have good flow...
I'm going to see Deftones in a few months...
I'm moving into a new house...
My older half brother is the smartest man I know...
Spring break is go...
I don't miss him...
Lamarjorie is my art project...
I miss Joseph...

So there's not much going on I'm in a phase where I just... I don't care... about anything really... I may not write for a while... at least not on here... if you see me around make sure I'm still breathing...xx

Thanks for reminding me why I forgot to miss you in the first place...

2007-03-21T18:30:00.000-05:00

you are nothing... you will always be nothing... you will always have nothing... stop bitching about the company you keep because you made your bed now lay in it like the dog you are... you have no regards for other's feelings... only your own... I feel sorry for you... and I feel even more sorry for your wife... and your many delusional friends who think I was the predator in the kill... I was the prey... and you killed me well... you better get what you have to say to me out now because it's going to be awfully hard to hear you from the top... One day I will forget your name... your touch... your kiss... but you... in your misery will remember me until your last breath... you had your chance time and again... because I let you... don't think you could have gotten as far as you did on your own... You mean nothing to me... you were a game... I forgot that along the way... but... it turns out I win after all... so thanks for playing... it was a pleasure... really... karma it the only farewell I leave you with... oh and one more thought... don't tell yourself that I've been meaning to miss you because I don't... what I miss was a lie... and you are a liar... but I knew that all along... thank you for the lessons and other unmentionable things... I got what I wanted from you... and a little extra I didn't plan or want... but I got mine... how does it feel to be used?

And though they say it's possible to me...

2007-03-20T16:12:00.000-05:00

I don't see how it's probable
I see the course we're on
Spinning farther from what i know
Ill hold on
Tell me that you won't let go

Is it possible to miss fractions of a person... stolen moments... all we ever had were stolen moments and yet sometimes I want those moments back... not necessarily to relive them... but more to decide if I even want them at all... things have been a blur for months... my head it cloudy... would I have made different decisions if I had, had a little more clarity... I don't know... I won't ever know... because it happen the way it did and at that moment those stolen moments were exactly what I wanted... I got what I wanted... and so did he...xx

Oportunistic Lover

2007-03-19T23:04:00.000-05:00

You fill me up to the top
expose every hidden part
I was afraid to show
leave no bend no curve
no place undiscovered
uncovered O. Lover

And I am yours only
for this night
and everything but
the timing is right
shadows dance off your
body in the artificial light
uncovered O. Lover

There's nothing but you
and I and this heat
your words and my signs
are far from discreet
and once again I am
knocked head over feet
uncovered O. Lover

And then eventually
after I've come undone
you fall asleep
and out comes the sun
and somehow
I wish we'd only just begun
uncovered O. Lover

So quietly I leave
before you wake
and the only thing
that I take
is the memory of
a few moments of bliss
and I save for later
a Goodbye Kiss
you're discovered
O. Lover

for you...

Floating away...

2007-03-19T22:29:00.000-05:00

in the grand scheme of things you are a dot of nothingness in my life of everything...

I can feel myself slipping away some days... some days all I want to do is run... I know I can't and that makes me feel trapped... all I feel is trapped lately... I don't like feeling like this... not at all...xx

thin red ribbions of freedom
remind me that I'm alive
thin crimson rivers flow
from an unending source
no matter how many times
or how weak my wrist
it's the release I feel
that I can't resist
I hide the scars on my wrists
with many colored bracelets
and the scars on the inside
with this fake smile
this facade I put on for you
so you don't feel anything but comfort
is a lie
I'm dying
and you're clueless
as always

someday I'll fly away...

TripleAOkay

2007-03-18T16:58:00.001-05:00

Well this quarter is over... looks like I pulled off three A's... hooray... really... I would kill for a challenge... my advisor suggested taking harder classes but the only think I am horrible in is math (and I can't spell worth a shit) everything else is a breeze... I'll just be glad when I get my associates and can move on to a wider terrain of challenges... I hope... I honestly don't like sailing through... I like the challenge... I thrive off of it... but I guess I should complain there are kids just barely making it... so I'm thankful for being smart... but I don't feel like I'm exercising what I've got... I'm going to double up and take more classes this quarter... see if that helps...
So... spring break... yeah I'm doing absolutely nothing... well if things go swiftly I'm moving soon... this house is too big... I want something smaller... we'll see how it goes... it's nice to have complete control over your surroundings...
I've been having whacked out dreams about things I know could never happen... just insane dreams I don't know if it's my interrupted sleep of the past two nights or what but... my dreams... amazing I don't think the world could handle them if it was reality... more later
...xx

The suns gonna rise in awhile...

2007-03-14T15:07:00.000-05:00

I'm going to have to learn to be okay when I hear his name... more importantly when I hear people talking shit they know nothing about... me wanting him is a joke... it was the other way around... he wanted me... I never paid him any attention until a good while after we had been friends... so don't think of me as some poor little girl who had a crush... he knew exactly what he was after and it wasn't mutual in the beginning... I remember early on in our friendship he said he would never cheat on his wife... and I thought him this good person because I could tell even then how much he wanted me... but lust turns good men into the words they swear by... they're still good men... but the pedestal he was on is gone... I suppose the same goes for me I was an angel and I turned into a home wrecker overnight... but I've finally come to grips that the marriage is and was falling apart before I stepped in and it take two people to cheat... I never asked him to get in my bed... I never asked him for anything so get your stories straight... don't make me out to be anything but what I am... I'm no angel but I'm not a home wrecker either... he's doing a good job of that on his own he doesn't need me...

This is the last week of school I have a final I didn't study for in an hour...

I'm not waiting... I'm not waiting on anyone or anything... life is much too short to spend your life waiting on someone to make up their mind... I know that now... I've known it for awhile... I can't depend on someone else for my happiness and I don't... I make my own happiness... I make my own sunshine... I don't need him or anyone else to be happy...

dont let her read this day on my face when i come home

2007-03-09T16:41:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm suffocating... and the temporary moments where I feel like I can breathe, where I feel in general, are few and far between... The only time I feel free or alive lately is when I'm driving which I've been doing a great deal lately, just driving to some unknown destination far away from... I honestly don't know what I've been driving away from or even what or where I'm driving to... I get this way sometimes... restless... where I just want to drive to the middle of no where... I'd like to find a large open field where I can look in any direction and see nothing... I just want to lay there until the sun sets and the stars come out... then I want to lay there the entire night and find some clarity in that moment... I have been busting my ass for some unknown goal since 2004 and I still have no clue when I'll be able to sit for a moment and just be still... have no demands placed on my shoulders, have no worries, no cares, just nothingness... I took my childhood (as short as it was) for granted and I know that now... I think I'm going to regress later in life and have the childhood I never got to have... I'm going to do everything I never got to do... sooner rather than later... I feel old sometimes... I've felt older than my age since I was a kid... I always knew how the real world was... always knew limitations... I just want my hope and faith restored... I don't like to feel like this body is just dying a slow death around me... I miss feeling invincible... I miss feeling like I could do anything... I have more power to do things now and more things in my reach than I've ever had but things seem so far sometimes...
I miss my dreams... I miss feeling... I don't know... I just feel dead inside...xx

the rush takes hold...

2007-03-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

Now that I think about it... you probably are really busy I know the moments I have to spare for kill time are few and far between as the rush of the end of the quarter draws dangerously near... when you have a moment... at your convenience... hi... how are you?

I wish you'd stop ignoring me, because you're sending me to despair...

2007-03-05T16:57:00.000-05:00

Without a sound you’re calling me,
and I don't think it's very fair
That your shoulders are frozen, cold as the night
Oh you’re an explosion, you’re dynamite

I'm not one of those girls who needs constant validation of my existence but a simple hello in reply doesn't seem like I'm asking a lot of you... no commitment.... no I do... just hi, thanks for the well wishes I'm well and how are you? whether you care to know or not it's common courtesy... but I understand you lead a very busy very demanding schedule which it's why I'm okay with being virtually ignored... but in case you didn't get my message... by some chance... Hi, how are you? Hope you are well. Have a nice day...
God sometimes I just feel _ _ _ _... maybe it's all me, I wish I didn't care but I do... only slightly just as one friend to another... simply that and nothing more... and I'm sorry for putting my feelings on your shoulders without you know but I do care and believe it or not you do effect me... yeah that's me being venerable... it's not going to kill me it just stings a little... I really do hope you are well... I hope that life is taking it easy on you and that you have moments to breathe without the weight of the world on your shoulders and at you're back door... I mean that... take care... be safe...

Oh there ain't no love no,
Montague’s or Capulet's
just banging tunes in DJ sets and
Dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness

Twit-Er-Pate-Ed...

2007-03-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

Love is in the air everywhere I look around ;D

it's nice to see people in the first stages of what may bloom into an unmentionable word... what I mean to say is it's good to see you smiling again Kenzie... the big dumb grin has returned...

speaking of returns... I've been talking to another unmentionable party... for brief fractions of time here and there... he seems good though I've heard different... I miss him... I do but I know we can't go back to the way things were... I don't think I could let him in like I did... I was venerable and I can't be like that again... I've got to stop feeling sorry for him when he says things like my life sucks and I know the only relief I'll get is when I die... he made his bed, no one forced him to marry her so he's got to either get out of his situation or quit his bitching and moaning... you can have your cake and eat it to, to an extent but soon the party involved realizes she's being used and cuts off the supply... now either you can turn to the plain old uninteresting cake you wed and accept it or you can find another cake... an interesting rare fresh new cake you don't meet everyday who still can recognize and appreciate the most life has to offer and offers the most she can give in return... wait... pause... what the fuck was that? I honestly don't think I could take him back in if he left her... I think it would be too hard... there are things I miss not to get too graphic... he has perfected a few techniques shall we say but more than that I miss talking to him... but mostly the sex ;) and that thing he did with his well I'll let you use your imagination... I'm kidding (but not really)...

So moving on two more weeks of school... and then a lovely spring break... maybe I'll go on a road trip or something to clear my mind... just drive in one direction until I get tired of driving that type deal...xx

You have to find out what's worth the Risks you take and make it yours...

2007-03-01T22:53:00.000-05:00

Nobody could hurt me like I know she could hurt me
but there's nothing in this world that I want more
Nobody could take me to the places that she takes me
Places that I've never been before
With my eyes wide open knowing full well
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall I could break that's the chance that I take
I could fall
Look at me I'm flying, a breath away from dying
Holding on to her and letting go
As I walk across this wire above a lake of fire
And lean into the wind that starts to blow
With my eyes wide open knowing full well
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall I could brake that's the chance that I take
I could fall
Do I hide my heart?
Do I lock my door?
Do I tear it out so it don't feel no more?
No, I risk it all knowing that
I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
Fall, fall

Remember when... I haven't forgotten...xx

This is the time and this is the place to be alive...

2007-02-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

I think I'm an obsessive compulsive writer...
last night was great... a lot of entertaining people made for a lot of entertainment and laughs so thanks to the ones involved whether you knew it or not you were part of my enjoyment and laughter... not malicious... I swear...
2bcontinued

Yes Please... what more could a girl want... O lover

2007-02-27T03:22:00.000-05:00

What's the worst thing that could happen?
We could change our minds.
That seems to be the hottest topic at this time.
We are sitting around in the meditation, dragging, chasing,
Wonderin?whose holdin?
whose got the will to draw the line.
I know you've got something burning up inside,
It's so unhealthy but so good for me, oh!
Said if I didn't know, and if I didn't know,
well if I didn't know that you loved me would you tell me?
Well God only knows our contradiction's to quitting,
is a hate to love relationship thing.
A fire under you is so fulfilling,
I fear there's nothing more.
I'm giving, giving you, the choke hold,
My flirting with disaster is mighty loved.
Ugggh you, you're so bold,
My wanting to kiss you still is not enough.
I'm getting over, all the comments.
I'm feeling statements made by people are nonsense.
I'm getting stronger, by the minute.
And once I slip into position I'll swing you and turn you all around.
You are the sweetest thing I've found since whenever,
You're the only way my time is measured.
You might be the silent type, But your appetizing louder now.
It's crazy how you're killing me.
you're killing me, but I like your
Red top and matching bottoms.
You know the ones, the ones you got on,
Pull them over your skinny self
But don't cover your tattoo.
cause I like to look at you,
yeah,I love that smell on you,
And I got your special place against this face for tasting too.
And I like it natural,
No need for chemicals.
Foggin?
up my senses
You're making me sensless
You're calling it sexual.
And you're going to get yours, my lady.
Might even be today.
And it ain't no thing because I'll be rolling right along with you.
You are the sweetest thing I've found since whenever.
You're the only way my time is measured.
You might be the silent type.
But you're appetizing louder now.
It's crazy how you're killing me.
And give us both a break.
And to give us back a taste
when the way things were before they made the laws,
And to give us both a chance,
But it won't be the last romance cause when the weekend starts the guilty party's on.

Weekend party's over,
Don't stop, let's get closer.
Friday, got cold shoulder,
Monday, got a new composure.
Weekend party's over,
Don't stop, let's get lower.
I won't blow your cover,
Opportunistic lover.
Weekend party's over,
Don't stop, let's get closer.
Friday's mediocre,
Monday, I'm self-exposed now.
Weekend party's over,
Don't stop, let's suppose
I won't blow your cover
Opportunistic lover.
`Mraz

Starved for your affections?

2007-02-27T02:56:00.000-05:00

I hate those girls... you know the ones...xx

You always try to be everything to everyone...

2007-02-27T02:08:00.000-05:00

Is it so hard to believe that the person that you're staring at is me?

I can't be that girl... I'm not that girl... I'm not who anyone thinks I am and no one really knows me... not my family... not my friends... you think you know me? you have no clue what runs through this brilliant mind of mine when I'm smiling at you...
I can't be everything to everyone... I feel like I'm living two very different lives sometimes... one meets up to my families expectations and is the good little girl I lead them to believe I am so they sleep easier at night... but then I'm this very different person... this creature of the night as cliche' as that is... this girl who breaks all the rules... but who made the rules... these generic rules who says the rules that are right for you are right for me? As long as my actions aren't hurting anyone why should you be concerned... for instance I have to hide my tattoo my tiny tiny tattoo and my tongue right around my family... not all of them mind you but a few... I hate that I feel like my tattoo is a part of me... but it's so much bigger than the tattoo... so much bigger I'm hiding an entire person... I'm not the goody goody they think I am... but that doesn't make me a bad person... why can't they just accept me the good and the bad as I have them... Yes, I had an affair with a married man, do I feel remorse? regret? no and honestly I would probably... no I don't guess I would do it again... but I still feel no guilt about it... does that make me a bad person? No... not in my mind... and now I'm sleeping with someone else, yes I care about him a great deal but I know as well as he that we are nothing but friends... this upsets my mother a great deal because she thinks I should be in a committed relationship before I have sex with someone... I don't mean to upset her and should a committed relationship come along in the future I'll take it but that's not what I'm after... she's like why is he going to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free... honestly the cow isn't for sale currently but the milk shouldn't go bad or go to waste while she's not... I wouldn't sleep with a complete stranger I do at least care about the two men I have slept with... I do consider them good friends... what's so wrong with friends with benefits? ah I don't know it's 2am things are running through my mind... If I'm okay with the fact that he and I are not in a "relationship" then everyone else should be too... I'm not hurting anyone... I'm just enjoying moments... why can't you be happy for me? why can't you be happy that for once in a long time I am happy? I'm not a bad person... I'm not doing anything wrong... I'm simply living to the best of my ability and that's more than I can say for the majority of the world...

I've never been so alone
and I've...
never been so alive...xx

Attraction? reaction...

2007-02-25T23:59:00.000-05:00

bound and broken
fears unspoken
life is rushing
into nothing
this is it
is this it?

So life is still going swimmingly... The days are getting warmer I'm so happy... The cold was starting to get to me... We went to the cemetery the other day me kenzie and Anderson... I missed him he's such a sweet guy and so much braver and wiser than I ever gave him credit for. We talked about his issues, my issues life in general. He's in college but doesn't know why he wants a job where he doesn't have to put much effort we not effort a job that doesn't require a lot from him. I suggested he be a tattoo artist... but... he can't draw to save him life so... I think he should be an actor he's amazing in our theater class but he doesn't give himself enough credit.
I like this acting thing... it's like a big game where you're trying to convince people you're someone you're not... I enjoy it... too much... Sometimes I like to pretend life is a game that way I don't take things too seriously... I used to... but now I realize things are going to happen with or without my control... so monologue I have to have memorized and recite tomorrow... it's rather nice... from American Beauty (amazing movie) I'm just going to leave you to contemplate a bit of it that hit home for me...

I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... You will someday...

I opted for doing this monologue rather than the one she picked out for the females which was from Legally Blonde ewe She hasn't been giving the girls much depth... I think it's because like out of the 6 girls I think it's six only two maybe three of us don't fit the typical girl persona... I have a little more substance don't get me wrong Reese Witherspoon is an amazing actress but not for me... so yeah... I went for the harder one... always have been one to show people up...xx

Memories like Embers keep us warm

2007-02-23T16:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's self-inflicted...

You don't need the sun to make you shine...

2007-02-22T05:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not losing my childlike wonder or my ability to learn new things... I refuse to grow old regardless of my age... pulling an all nighter...decided to post again I didn't really feel like picking up where I left off so... why for the all nighter? no reason really... do I need one?
So about learning and growing but at the same time keeping that childlike peter pan complex but also at the same time knowing when to be mature but still being able to discover something new and light up like a child at Christmas... it seems like a good mix... that's what I'm going for...
I want to learn from everyone I encounter. I've decided to become a professional protege. I hope it works to my benefit because that requires me to put a lot of faith and trust in the people I want to grow from. I read a quote on a wall one time that went something like, I am not myself I am a combination of all I've encountered, all I've learned from and all I've loved. I have taken pieces of them with me and molded myself into this person you see now. (I may have butchered that but you get the idea) I was thinking about it... a lot... and the more I thought about it the more I realized I wouldn't be who I am without the influences in my life. I'm a hell of a person so I would like to thank them all not individually because frankly that would take more time than I'm currently willing to offer... my eyes are tired... my mind is wired... racing... a million thoughts at once... I hate when that happens when I'm alone... I can't get all the thoughts out sometimes with out being provoked by an individual on my intellectual level... where can you find one of those at 5am? they need a mini mart for those...
she sang a short tune da... da da da da da... I came from her soft touch...
anyways... why do these things have to have titles... I'll tell you a secret I haven't thought of one yet... I usually use song titles or lyrics I love... got one which coincidentally has nothing to do with this random arsed post... I'm out... I sure hope I can get into some trouble this weekend I'm feeling slightly devious...xx
one more thing quotable quote: "I'd hate to have to be provoked to kill someone... it's not enough to beat their ass cause they could come back and stab you but if you kill them they're defiantly not coming back to stab you."

Trade Passion for Understanding...

2007-02-21T22:10:00.000-05:00

In my sociology class we've been discussing many things I find fascinating such as how different races are viewed cultural differences and so on. Today we were talking about if all races treated equally... an old argument but still an argument. I think our generation is the most understanding and accepting generation so far but I think in turn that a lot of us have traded our passions for understanding. Let me see if I can make this make sense... People used to fight so passionately for things they believed in, they used to rally and revolt and fight with all they had no matter what obstacles held them back. There were amazing people who were brilliant thinkers who were outspoken and lead others who shared their beliefs against obstacles. It seems like my generation hasn't offered anyone like that (etc. Martin Luther King) I guess it's because we're still so young but I feel like a lot of times we are pushed to the side and our opinions and thoughts get muted before they've really had a chance to stand. I know there's still passion out there whether I agree with the fight or not I just wish people from my generation were more passionate and outspoken. We've changed so much through out the years but at what cost? Are we losing the passion our fathers before us had? Even if the fight wasn't just at least they had the guts to speak up and be outspoken. There are so many things going on in our nation that I don't agree with and at the same times some things I do... but sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't really matter in the big picture and I think that's a universal feeling among my peers. We're thinking why stand up and fight when we're just going to be pushed aside. I think our time will come and it will come sooner than our elders think. If they were smart they would have my generation be more involved and not push us aside after all we are the future. We will be the ones who one day take over power. I think most of us are more than capable but I look around sometimes and think wow, these kids have no clue about anything other than their self-centered world. Those kids are giving the brilliant minds of my generation a bad name. I just wish my generation were more aware. I think it my generation might not be as understanding and accepting as some think... I think the majority of us just don't care... It's not the same thing at all...
Another thing while I'm on this subject this is already a long post but we talked about racism... Racism... I have a guy in my class from Pakistan and he gets dogged on a daily basis by the cadets. I think all these black people (and I don't mean to sound racist because it's very conditional) need to walk in his shoes. They have no real clue what racism is anymore. But he lives with it daily. The racism of their African American forefathers is not the same as the "racism" they bitch about today it's not even close. It barely exist at all for them yet it's been my experience that they are quick to throw the race card around as if they were the ones who earned it because of their fathers misfortunes. If we truly want racism to go away... to be continued...

But when you let me in its like a thousand Julys...

2007-02-20T03:01:00.000-05:00

God the seasons are moving so swiftly and then again they seem to stand still at moments. They stood still for me earlier today. As I drifted in and out of sleep, looking at the clock those garish red numbers that keep things from being chaotic. I watched as the minutes passed like days, his breathing the only noise to block out silence. The sun shinning through the blinds dancing with the shadows... for a moment I swear time stopped... nothing moved not he, not I... it just paused... It was a nice moment, not just because of him (though he was a key role). It's odd at how moments of our lives intersect but we see them completely differently how time is different for each person. My morning, my night went in slow motion... how was it for you? My days the past week have been going in slow motion... I like it... it allows me to really take everything in absorb everything from the moment before the moment has passed. For instance my stroll to class... a light breeze, the warm sun, pulling my jacket to me for dear life, smiling and making eye contact with every stranger that passes me by... hearing sounds all around... life all around and at the same time hearing nothing at all... these are little things I took for granted things I missed in my rush to get to class on time... now... I don't rush not matter how late I am... I take everything, everyday in...
time really is a man made thing... and I have have made myself an infinite amount of time... we've become so accustomed to our daily routines that we forget that it all comes together in the end whether you were late or not... it moves... take it in... take every moment in... remember how to use all of your senses... if you have to think about them individually take it all in...
warm skin on warm skin, the music in the background, his breathing, the taste of the Malibu going down the back of my throat or his kiss, the warm smells... last night was a symphony of touch and taste and sound it sent my senses into overload and I took every bit of it in... processed the moment into memory... I thank you for that... I'd like to find you again...

[AdultSwim] on Mute...

2007-02-20T02:17:00.000-05:00

Playslist of my Recent life: (or if you're interested in what's on repeat in my mind)
Minus the Bear-this ain't a surfin movie
Boy in Static-Bellyfull
Deftones-Cherry waves
Evanescence-Cloud Nine
Number one Fan-There went the world
Meg and Dia-Monster
The Hush sound-Wine red
Team Sleep- Ever Foreign Flag
thanks for the influence...

In my nervousness lately I find myself laughing yes for no reason... I'm just insanely happy... Things are going great and I don't know... I'm running on very little sleep today so this may be a short post... Brantley and I are back talking I'm glad because I don't think he's a bad guy the argument was mediocre at best... Hayden had the audacity to call Kenzie and ask for me. He wanted to know if I was seeing anyone among other things. To which I replied I'm seeing many people... on a daily basis... he asked if I was happy... I'm more happy than he'll ever be and in that fact alone I find even more happiness... which is not like me... guess I have some hard feelings towards him still... I want him to be happy just not as happy as me... does that even make sense... so I told him I didn't think my life could be any better at this moment in time... I'm not lacking anything... I feel safe, I feel comfort, I feel love, I just feel this wide array of positive emotions and I know it's going to last... because it's all at how you look at things... living in the moment is the best life changing decision I've made lately... sigh... I'm happy... only one thing could make it better at this moment... Malibu Faeries... that's right if you've never encountered these goddesses I suggest you do soon... ;-) just make sure you're with the best company when they are around... they're sneaky...
Anyways long weekend was lovely... many things have been lovely recently... hope you feel the same...xx

All apologies...

2007-02-18T00:33:00.000-05:00

I now know what a fraction of regret feels like and what scares me the most is it was my fault... I knew you were intoxicated I shouldn't have left you alone for a second but I was scared and I didn't know what to do because I was intoxicated as well. I didn't know what to do... I'm so, so sorry you have no idea how much. I shouldn't have left the room. I should have made you get up and called a cab anything but what I did. I went out of the room laid on another bed in another room and cried. I was so scared. I've never been that afraid in my life and you were incoherent and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to leave you but... I don't know what I was thinking... I am so sorry I am going to blame myself for a long time. Seeing you cry like that coming back in that room finding you like that... I feel so guilty. I should have known better. I should have gone in there sooner. I should have done something... I know you said it's not my fault but I'm your friend and I'm supposed to protect you. I'm supposed to take care of you when you can't take care of yourself and I feel like I let you down so much... God, I let you down... I promise it will never ever happen again. I'm not leaving you alone again... I hope you can forgive me... I hope I can forgive me... I just... I feel so stupid... I'm sorry... God, I'm sorry... It's not your fault... it's not your fault at all... I just didn't know what to do... I messed up and I'm so so sorry because it hurt you... God, I'm so stupid... I should have known better... I'm sorry... it won't happen again I promise you... I promise... I'll take better care of you... I swear... I'm sorry...xx

I heard those stupid people talk about you again

2007-02-15T20:33:00.000-05:00

I just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad
Their simple minds just cannot seem to understand
You are neurotic and depressed
It doesn't mean that you are sad

Once again because it seems I keep having to validate my happiness let me say one more time for the record and for those who didn't hear it the first time. I AM HAPPY. I am so fucking happy I barely know what to do with myself.
However, that doesn't cover up the fact that I lost my first battle with love. I guess I'm supposed to act like it doesn't bother me, act like I don't give a shit that he abandoned me like every other man from my past. Smile, so I don't inconvenience anyone but, that's not being true to myself. In truth it is still something I'm dealing with but I'm not sad. I'm depressed there is a very big difference. I'm not going to kill myself the second I'm out of your sight but I'm also not going to smile and be happy go lucky 24 hours a day because you feel like I have no real reasons to cry. I can cry god damn it and I can lay in bed all fucking day if I so choose I did that when I wasn't depressed. Laying in bed is something I enjoy doing... I like to lounge I like to be warm and comfortable it doesn't mean I'm secretly plotting how I'm going to fling myself into on coming traffic. (on a side note if you're always around because you're scared I'm going to cut myself, your tactics aren't working because we both know if I want to cut I'm going to cut irregardless of your physical presence. I know I shouldn't but we all do things we shouldn't.)I'm not as far gone as you think. I'm okay really... I need some recover time... if it takes me a month if it takes me 6 months I was in love with someone I thought loved me back (my delusion) and now it is over I can have down time if I so choose. I can sleep all weekend I can go a day without eating I did that before... I love you with all my heart and I promise I'm going to get through this... you don't have to worry about me, you don't have to put me first... Think about where I would be if I didn't have you... I would make it on my own, granted it's not the healthiest way but I would have made it... don't get me wrong I thank you for your help and yes I do need you, you have helped me so much... but don't be my crutch because there will come a time when you won't be able to be there and I will have to make it threw whatever I'm dealing with on my own... I've said it once I'll say it again be my friend not my momma, because I already need you more than I should sometimes and that's not fair to either of us... live your life don't let me hold you back because I'm going to be fine with or without you... though I would prefer with...
I know my "relationship" was nothing like yours I wasn't involved for two years and hell he was never completely mine but you have to keep in mind that this is the very first time I have ever been in love... ever... and I need to recover... so give me time... I'm not asking you to understand I'm asking you to let me deal with it... I promise I'll get back to normal I just need to sit things out for a bit...
I love you... always... and I thank you for everything you do and continue to do... you are one of the most stable, constant things in my life and I thank you... you are an amazing friend but I need to work this out in my own time... so let me...xx

You raise your eyes to mine...

2007-02-15T15:38:00.000-05:00

I was hurt yesterday but the more I think about the more I realize I don't give a shit...

So in class today I got a major ego stroke. I'm now a director and my teacher gave me the two best actors in the class. My buddy Andy said it was because we were the cream of the crop in that class. I asked why the teacher thought I could direct to no one in particular and Andrea (the best actress) said it was because I was an amazing writer. I wrote a script for a project and then I got to choose who acted in it I chose her and a guy named Bragg (best actor) They did it justice so I guess the teacher thought we should work together again. I don't know her motivation but I'm honored that so many people in the class think so highly of my abilities. I'm supposed to be a dictator director but so far I've let them throw in their creative ideas. It's fun. I think it might be fun to be a director in the future. I honestly would like it more to direct music videos so maybe I've found an outlet. This is something I really enjoy... hmm...
But yeah it's a beautiful day and I've decided not to let people get to me. Especially people who have absolutely no room to talk... Case in point... jealous of me being in school? I've jealous you already have your degree because the government paid your way. I should already have my two year by now. So stop being a prick assed bitch because you've had shit handed to you as well... g-sauce... oh and also while we're on the subject I'm jealous that you have a wonderful girl who would give you the world... and you are too fucking blind to see... She's not only the best you'll ever get she is the best there is to offer... if anything she is the one that deserves better... she deserves better than you'll ever be able to give her until you grow the fuck up... so continue to pitch your little fits you're the one that looks like an idiot... Some people feed off of self inflicted drama (I would know) but she doesn't deserve it. She cares about you... and you are a prick assed little punk... fuck you my friend...

Sorry got on my soap box I just don't like my friend being run over and what makes me really mad is that soo soo many times I have taken up for the boy and he wants to talk shit about me. Well you just lost a friend in me... I'm no longer on your side... and I won't be taking up for you anymore... I get what she's been saying all along and it took this to open my eyes. You have no right to act like you know me or say anything about me... do yourself a favor and forget my name or that you know me because I've done the same... no wonder you can't last three months...xx

When I said good morning... I was lying

2007-02-14T22:51:00.000-05:00

I was truly thinking of... how I might stop waking up...

This post is going to seem random but I have some things to say and since I can't say them out loud to you or anyone else here goes.
There are things I choose not to talk about because of this I have given the image that my life is one to be envious of. It's called a facade... a delusion of a life that I've made up.
I don't talk about things in my past so freely as some. I don't talk about things I'm dealing with now so freely as some.
I don't talk about how my father broke ever promise he made to me. How even on the rare occasion I got to see him when I was little he was too preoccupied to spend even 15 minutes with me. I don't talk about how I used to have to hang out with one of his sluts of the week because he made plans he couldn't keep. I don't talk about his drug induced fits where he would tell me I was nothing that I wouldn't amount to shit, where he denied even being by father, when he told me to kill myself because I was nothing but a burden.
I don't talk about my step dad physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me. I don't talk about him beating me and telling me to stop crying or he would continue and did. I don't talk about the time he tried to choke me to death. I don't talk about hiding and crying in my closet. I don't talk about crying hysterically unable to breathe until I passed out. I don't talk about that man alienating me from the only stability in my life. I don't talk about us being trapped there because we felt we had no where else to turn.
I don't talk about my step sister treating me like shit.
I don't talk about school, and what lead me to drop out of highschool. I don't talk about kids threatening my life and my cousin because he was openly gay. I don't talk about how when I did try to come back all my friends or the people I thought were my friends wouldn't talk to me. I don't talk about how jealous I was that I was more affected by them than my cousin was. How he seemed to have the perfect life while I was falling apart.
I don't talk about my family black sheeping me because I accepted him. I don't talk about all the times I wasn't allowed to talk to any of my family outside of my aunt and mother. Not even my cousin.
I don't talk about punching walls I don't talk about cutting myself which I still continue to do. You wouldn't believe how often I used to and how it's still one of my demons.
I don't talk about being medicated. I don't talk about going to see a psychiatrist every other day. I don't talk about almost being taken to Macon psychiatric and lying about not being suicidal so they wouldn't take me. I don't talk about trying to kill myself twice. I don't talk about wanting to run away. I don't talk about trying to run away.
Why don't I talk about these things that haunt me daily? Because there are people that are ten times worse off than me. I am thankful that is all life has thrown at me. Forgive me for not wanting to put my demons off on you. You make think I make myself the victim but I could not control any of the things that happened to me which is why I starting cutting in the first place.
I take your cards I listen but I never put all my cards on the table. I have had to fight my entire life and if you think I've got it made if you want this life these memories these external and internal scars then by all means you can have them. Before you jump to judge how about you grow up and get a fucking clue. This isn't even the half of what I continue to deal with. You can have it all. I would trade you in a heartbeat. I would trade with anyone to not feel the way I feel sometimes, even if it was worse because it wouldn't have to be my personal burdens.
I'm sorry that for once in my life it seems like I'm getting a fucking break... you have no clue... and I doubt you ever will... Why? because you know what I want you to know and nothing more... which makes it appear that I am all sunshines and rainbows but all you are seeing is the surface my friend and beyond that is a silent storm you couldn't even begin to handle... you want this life? are you jealous? you can have it all... everything...

Be Mine...

2007-02-14T15:41:00.000-05:00

To all the lovers not just one's who are bought out by an idea of a thing that used to be pure and true. I hope that you have a wonderful day. As for me it's just another day not because I'm single but because I don't need one day a year to let the ones I love know I love them with cheesy over priced gifts. I would much rather give a gift on a day for no reason. My love is constant and it surrounds the people important to me on a daily basis.
However if you don't know I love you... I apologize because you mean the world to me. Each and everyone of you serves a major purpose in my life and I feel so privileged to have you. I love you... not just today but all days. I apologize if I don't say it enough, I just don't want I love you to be a phrase that's over used so much it becomes generic and honestly if I love you it should be something you feel without me saying...
So yeah Happy Valentines days, I wish more people could love each other like people love today then we wouldn't have to buy cards and candy on some set day...
anyways off to more important things...
Always...xx

Point and Click

2007-02-08T22:38:00.000-05:00

The Seasons are changing in your heart so will I...

Things are insane right now and I have honestly never been happier in my life... even when I was "with" him. I guess it goes to show you that life is how you look at it and what you make of it sometimes. I've changed my whole way of thinking. I used to think towards the future and not put much thought in today. Only seeing the bigger picture but not the moment. From now on I am only thinking of today, tomorrow will be here whether I like it or not so I'm going to put more emphasis on living in right now. Right now I'm at complete peace with myself and the world. The little upsets are the furthest thing from my mind. I'm looking forward to right now, to today for once in my life and it's refreshing. I'm finished worrying about things I can't change I'm finished second guessing myself and my decisions. My decisions though some may think are wrong are all right in my eyes. I have done nothing I regret (it's helps that I don't believe in regret) I have done nothing that I wouldn't do over again in a heart beat. I am completely happy with everything I have ever done...
Today was beautiful I threw my arms in the air and spun in a circle there was a light lovely breeze kissing my face and for a moment I felt like a child again. I'm going to keep this feeling and take it with me where ever I go... The world is fresh and new and beautiful in my eyes. I've always been able to find beauty in any and everything but today I finally found beauty in myself. God... even in the darkest hour when I feel my lowest there is beauty to be found. I love this world all the imperfections all the wonder everything about it... it amazes me that we can exist in such a vast playground...
I'm rambling... I also decided well... it wasn't all me... I had to tell a secret in class... I said "that I am constantly judging people, deciding if they were worth my time to talk to, constantly nit picking their every move from the way they speak to the way they walk to the people they hang with. It's a constant thing I do subconciously (sometimes not so subconciously) and I think it's because I am constantly judging myself. I am a perfectionist, hard to believe but I used to be a lot worse, so I naturally expect the best out of people (or what I think the best is). Someone in the class said why don't you pick out a positive trait when you look at people and focus on that. Now when I said I was judging I didn't mean it was all negative judgments over half the time it's positive but I do sometime harp on the negative so I thought I would give it a try because I'm not really a negative person (I just like to laugh and people's misfortunes)(and when they're dumb and don't know they're dumb) MaKenzie said I say what people are thinking when they see an unfortunate person instead of keeping it to myself. I'm not trying to be malicious... really... I don't know I love people's imperfections I've said it before and if it makes me laugh well... at least I'm happy with their differently-abled-ness so some joy did come out of them being whatever their malfunction is... eh I don't know I think there is beauty in everyone in this world... it may take me a moment to see it but it's there and I eventually do catch on...
I wish everyone could see the world as I see it even if it's only for a day...xx

I'm the curiosity you're the cat...xx

Continued... pt.2

2007-02-05T19:11:00.000-05:00

since several people seem to feel the need to be in my business about my affair (key word MY) here's the stats... the only reason I'm putting it here is because chances are you don't have this blog or knows it's me so I'm getting it off my chest instead of having to explain to you over and over what is and what isn't... and when you ask me to my face... I'll smile and say it's really none of your business from now on...
I had an affair... a wonderful affair that I wouldn't trade for the world, the hurt the tears the laughs anything... It happened for a reason... I'm sure I will figure out why one day... if not like I said before it was a learning experience... I enjoyed every minute of it. I have no hard feelings to the man involved except in the fact that he didn't feel the need to tell me it was over... still hasn't. I'm not even sure if it's over because I haven't talked to him... I thought he being several years older than me made him mature enough to let me know what was going on but instead he has made no effort to make contact with me in a few weeks now. If I have any other hard feelings it's because I feel moderately used... I shouldn't have hard feelings about that though because in all honesty I used him as well... yes i care about him, yes I assumed he cared about me. (not assumptions alone mind you) Will I ever know for sure? Who knows... at this point I'm not really concerned with it because I have other more pressing, more important things on the top of my list. Now to the question I mentioned before "did I want to marry him?" I'm 21 years old I'm not really thinking about marriage with anyone. Yes, he's a good friend yes I could see spending a great amount of time being his friend, years I'm sure but I've already seen how he is at being a husband, who's to say he wouldn't do the same thing to me he's doing to her. Yes, for a split second a moment I thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him but... that's all it was a passing thought...
I don't understand why it is so hard to believe that all I ever wanted from him is exactly what I got... I rarely put thought past our temporary moments and when I did I was grounded back to the reality of the situation by his band, and him leaving going home after our encounters.
In short it was fun while it lasted, I hope that I get a friendship out of this... though it doesn't seem possible...
I got caught in the haze for a moment but now I know that, that was not and is not who I am. Once again I want more out of life than he could ever hope to give me. Yes, it was nice to be happy for a moment but I can be happy without him just as well. I've got to learn to not depend on someone else for my well being and happiness a tough lesson learned but I get it now loud and clear...
Stop asking me about him... from now on I will let you know what I want you to know and nothing more... you weren't there you don't know him or me... you are an acquaintance I honesty wouldn't consider you a friend... had I not known you most of my life. You are not someone I would want to associate with on a daily basis and I thank God I'm not forced to. I love you, I care about you but I wouldn't have chosen you to befriend of my own free will. At this point I only speak with you because I feel bad that we've grown apart. You were nice for awhile until I discovered there are people out there I feel more of a connection with. We are two very, very different people and sometimes I wish you would stop talking to me all together... you talk about things you have no idea about... not the first clue... when you can grow up, perhaps move out of Mommy's and daddy's house and get some real issues besides them not buying you what you wanted that hour then when can talk... when you realize there is a big world outside of your stupidity maybe we can have a meaningful conversation for once... I hate it's come to this but I really can't stand you and you are the epitome of everything I dislike... a spoiled, selfish, stupid, immature, clone of a princess... get your own opinions, get your own life stop living threw everyone else's... maybe I'm being mean but sometimes I wonder why there are stupid people in this world... I guess so I realize how smart I am and so I can have someone to laugh at... not all stupid people that would be cruel... just the ignorant ones who don't realize they're morons...
To be continued...

The End of (a) Season(s)

2007-02-05T13:11:00.000-05:00

Contrary to popular belief... I'm really okay...
One of my seasons has ended with me... I'm fine I assure you. Yes it hurts, yes it hurts worse than anything I have ever felt in my life but I knew it would end... I just didn't know when. It's a good thing though because we would have eventually gotten caught so it's better off this way. I got the question, "but didn't you want to marry him, or be in a relationship with him," first off to the moron who asked... he's already married... and you my friend are delusional but I've very much realistic... What happened between he and I was a temporary learning experience that I enjoyed but I know I have to take it for what it is/was... I honestly don't like to look that far into the future anymore... there's no point... anyways i have to be off I'll continue this later...
seriously to the "friend" that continues to bombard me with questions that are none of their business... please grow up or I think I'm going to have to discontinue our friendship... I wish I'd never told you...

Stranger

2007-02-01T03:08:00.000-05:00

For a Moment would you humor me in believing that you still read my words? Give me a sign...

It feels like everything is all right in the world...

2007-01-31T05:15:00.000-05:00

I wish this feeling could last...
in the back of my mind is my past my future
in this moment I am fully in this, just this
just being... feeling everything from his lips, her skin, the air dancing off my body.
there is nothing, there is everything...
everything feels completely brand new
like a child seeing Christmas lights for the first time
and at the same time is feels comforting and familiar

things are going to be okay regardless of the people who waltz in and out of my life. the things that are constant will pull me through... these things so many things and yet hardly enough are the moments i live in and for, they are the seasons that grace my life they will come and go but they are constant and in that I feel comfort and in that I feel hope...

things are what they are... we are who we are separate, together, perfection... you can't make them out to be more than what they are just like you can't make someone into who he or she is not, but you can take those moments, those seasons and learn from them...

this season feels nice I know it will pass like others before but in this moment I am in it and I feel at ease...

well the rain keeps on coming down

2007-01-23T20:24:00.000-05:00

it feels like a flood in my head...
and the road keeps on calling me
screaming to everything lying ahead...

So life... updates....
Things are well off... I'm loving school thus far I'm can't believe I'm nearly a month in... insane how time flys...
Life is like a haze right now... it's odd it's like going from place to place and remembering the place but not how you got there for lack of a better description. I'm remembering moments but not the entire picture. It's hard to explain but if you've ever felt this way you know what I mean.
I feel stuck I feel like things are moving as fast as I would like them, with school, with love, with many things. I'm not trying to rush life I know it's short but there are things I wish would progress and it seems they have decided to stand still.
I always knew in the back of my mind it wouldn't be enough to keep me satisfied but how many sleeps until we can talk uninterrupted? how long until there's no one else but us for a few moments? it's driving me mad not know what certain parts of my future hold... I'm not saying I want to know everything... because I don't I like a little surprise every now and then but there are questions I need answers to... but I'm too afraid to ask... time holds answers I know but patience is not something I'm waiting around to acquire so I've got to just deal with this uneasy feeling in my stomach... until the water is clearer....
again nothing set in stone... I'm not holding on to something unrealistic I'm not holding on to anything really... if opportunity arises I'm taking my chances... he is. however, in the back of my mind always...
one week... to be exact... and and nearly a month since I've crossed any lines...xx

And there it goes, my last chance for peace

2007-01-13T19:56:00.000-05:00

you lay me down, but I get no release...

Well, I've never been so happy in my entire life... I finally got fired/quit the job I've hated a year and a half and after a year and a half I'm back in school... every thing's going great... I guess... If I've never been more happy then why am I so miserable? I should be ecstatic... but I'm not... I'm happy on the outside, I'm smiling, but something is missing. Something feels off. odd... I don't know if it's because I'm flat broke or what. Honestly I would rather be broke then work another day at a job I hate... So what the fuck is wrong with me?
My first week of school went smooth. I think this is going to be an easy quarter. I'm only taking three classes I wanted to take it easy my first quarter back plus I would have been working. If I had known I was going to be jobless I would have taken on more classes. Then again it's not like I can afford the classes I have. So far I have no financial aid. which is a joke in itself. I can't get HOPE until I have one more quarter. Why? because I was home schooled my last two years well almost three of high school and had to get my GED therefor I have to prove myself before I can be eligible, as if three quarters of being an A/B student weren't enough. It doesn't matter one more quarter to go and a lot of my stress will be relieved I just have to make it until then.
What do I want to be "when I grow up?" no clue... I know I want to write, I know I love art, I know I want to help kids who are going through what I went through growing up. I'm thinking about being a high school guidance counselor. Just brainstorming really... There's so many things out there I want to do... Sometimes being smart and having talents feels like a curse... Eh I'm too critical of the the generic goal orientated criminal justice, pre-nursing major kids, at least they know what they want or what they're capable (or not capable) of accomplishing. more than I can say for myself...

I have a lot of free time... haven't had that in a while... honestly... it scares me...xx

Point and click...

2007-01-07T10:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we deny feelings we don't understand or are afraid of. Sometimes we don't act on things we really want to act on because of this fear. I feel your fear... do you feel mine? There will come a day when these games we play won't be enough... one of us will be restless and want more... change is going to come... I feel it... Do you? What do you want from me that you're not getting from her? She can give you everything I can so why wonder/wander? What's the point of all this? It's not physical... I find it hard to believe this is just physical... am I meeting some emotional void? and becoming colder in the process? so many unanswered questions... I can't ask... for fear of the answer... don't ask... don't tell... but this self inflicted blindness leaves me at a disadvantage with you... on one hand I'm not prying, on the other I'm clueless... do you think I want more from you? if so how can you look me in the eye, kiss me and leave me in this state. You changed and compromised everything that was me... what did you expect to gain? did you even know? do you know now? make up your mind... before I make up mine...

you're the cat... I'm the curiosity...

No where's home and I'm all wrong...

2007-01-07T10:26:00.000-05:00

Do you remember when you were a young child... you'd spend the day playing outside until the very last traces of sun left the sky... then as darkness covered you... you would run home as fast as you could... heart beating fast... barely able to breathe... then as you walked threw that open front door and shut it fast behind you... those feelings vanish as if by magic... your fears of the moment dissolve into comfort and peace... that's called home... and that's what it feels like...

I remember that feeling but I can't tell you the last time I felt it. I feel fragments time and again. Mostly when I'm with him or with you... You make me feel at peace at ease but it never last... just when I think... I'm comfortable in my stability the darkness burst threw the door... I turn on a lamp but nothing cures darkness like the sun... not even artificial light... Here's where my mind's a wreck... I like the darkness... I like the unknown, the instability but... at the end of it all I still choose... home... it's always a place to fall back to... a place of safety... a sanctuary... a safe haven... sure it's nice to stand out in the rain but at the end of the day the rain won't last and you'll need a place to warm up and dry off... sometimes he feels like that place... sometimes you do... I need a place I can rest completely as ease and peace... I feel like lately I sleep with one eye open... I miss being a kid when the only demons and monsters were in my books, my dreams, my head... where just by waking up from a nightmare turning on the light, pulling covers close, my mom just down the hall was enough to make me brave enough to check the closet or under the bed just one more time... now I'm just sitting on the bed covers close afraid to turn on the light for fear of what I may or may not see...

The sun helps... but it never last... and this artificial light is cold... and no where feels like the warmth of home...xx

here's my fear... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, _ _'_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _...

Midnight-inspiration

2006-12-31T11:09:00.000-05:00

I am the headlights on a dark unending road
you are the brake lights stopping me as I go
you are the reflectors shinning back my life
you are the traffic lights never making up your mind
every thing's a blur scenery passing fast and slow
but I'm still leaving barely breathing as I go
I have to get away from the city away from the rain
to a place where no one knows my sins
where no one knows my name

Could you remind me because sometimes I forget... who am I? and how did I end up like this? Sometimes I just don't know... anything really... sometimes I feel like I'm barely existing and then at other times I feel like I've never been so alive in my life. I just wish I could put everything on pause... just breathe for a while...xx

Re-@iM@t-eD

2006-12-29T06:06:00.000-05:00

Friday, August 11, 2006
about a boy...
He is a captivating beauty among a world of ugliness and cold
he is warmth, he is the sun you feel his presence caress every place the light can touch
his eyes, his eyes I never saw a soul until I gazed into his
so open so inviting, yet so mysterious at the same time, like starring into something endless something limitless, something timeless, something with no borders, something free, something like a sunset in the horizon there but out of reach, present but unattainable, you feel as though you could reach out your hand and touch it but no matter how far you stretch it's just away from your fingertips. Sure you can jump in your car and chase it, hop in a plane, a boat, but it's a endless spiral an endless track, an unending circle. You can run and run and run but he's always two steps ahead and never within grasp.
his voice is like music each word like each note flowing off the pages as if they aren't written down at all as if the lines mean nothing, they are guidelines which he seldom follows. He makes his points and he has so much to say but his ideas are as endless as his words which flow out of his mouth so carelessly.
His hands... his hands his hands his hands, by far one of my favorite parts of this man. so strong so skilled so much talent and power held inside these two hands. Hands carved by God hands full of electricity full of energy full of warmth full of strength, and when he puts them to use, it's like magic. it's like a symphony like a well written and even better play song.
his smile, his smile reminds me of a children's dance, lots of kids in a circle singing laughing clapping dancing all the joy in the world held in that moment in that instant and amplified by the parting of his up turned lips. it lights up his entire face, from his teeth to his bright eyes. everything good everything light. it's like the sun shining through the gray scenery of winter. making even the bare tree and their bare branches seem almost on fire. his smile is like a flame it burns. it's infectious as well. infectious you can't look at him looking at you smiling and not smile back. his smile wraps itself around you making you feel light and free making you feel careless and open, inviting and giddy.
so much beauty and wonder in one person. it seems so unfair that he can possess so much beauty in his mind in his body in his soul. every aspect of this boy is beauty he is the epitome of beauty. A quiet beauty that I can barely describe. it's an indescribable beauty. a desirable beauty, a reliable beauty, a constant beauty, a stunning beauty, a breath taking beauty, a radiant beauty, all those pretty words and all the most handsome words you could use just don't do him justice. they can't... not in his presence they are nothing compared to him. nothing...

just taking a look down memory lane... Is it about you? maybe... then again...xx

It started out with a kiss... how did it end up like this... it was only a kiss

2006-12-29T05:26:00.000-05:00

The new year is approaching faster than I care to admit. I am about to be 21 years old. 21 January 3rd I will be 21 it's unreal. I never thought I would make it to 21 honestly I thought I didn't think I would make it. I thought I would have given up 3 years ago 4 years ago but I didn't. I am so much stronger than I was. I'm not even the same person. Hell, I'm not even the same person I was 3 months ago much less 3 years. It's scary and at the same time exciting how much we change and adapt but still stay the same. I'm a different person and at times I am very uncomfortable with who I am. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize my face. But then I fall into old habits and routines and I realize how the same parts of me are. I have grown more in this past year, and since October it's been one change after another. I have broken so many boundaries and my boundaries have been crossed. Boundaries I never thought would be crossed. Boundaries I thought were untouchable and I continue to cross more daily. Sometimes I'm afraid of this person I'm becoming. This person much darker than myself. Another side of me a side I repressed and kept locked away ignored like it didn't exist has taken over. It's like this tiny person inside of me has broken out and spread like a virus. I said something the other day "I've never been so happy in my life, never not even when I was a hardcore Jesus freak there is not a time in my life when I can remember being so happy." Now to any normal person this would be a good thing but it scares me. Why? I have no clue... I think because in the back of my mind I know it won't last. I also said I had no remorse or regret about what I'm doing. If you don't know what "I'm doing" not really any of your business, but... I'm living in the moment for the first time in my life. My mom said,"I don't see how you do it live from day to day on stolen moments of happiness." Isn't that what life is? Stolen moments of happiness. We live from moment to moment good moments bad moments everything in life is moments I would much rather live for stolen moments of happiness than not living at all. That's what I was doing. I wasn't living I was numb I was lost. I thought I had lost it again but I found it. I've found what happiness feels like even if it's a few hours out of the day a day out of a week or month for that moment I am in that moment and I am truly happy and yes I can live my life from moment to moment. I don't see how she can't. It strange to be so happy and yet so I don't know... I can't explain how I'm feeling but I feel and at the end of the day that is the point everyone is missing these days. I feel... and it's hard and cold and beautiful and breathtaking all at the same time. I'm whiling to take the good with the bad because I am alive...
God... my perspectives have changed... so much. I don't know how it happened but slowly I remembered how to live again. I remembered how to breathe how to feel what it feels like to be alive... 2007 is going to be an amazing year 21 is going to be a year for me. I am going to do all the things inhibitions held me back from doing. I am not letting anyone tell me what is right and wrong, what I should and should not do, who I should and should not be. I'm going to decide from now on what I think is right, what I should do, who I should be. I am living my life now. I'm am so tired of being what I think people want me to be, who my family wants me to be.
Take me for what I am or leave me that's the way it is. From now on the changes I make will be ones I wanted to make. I am me and I am going to live if it kills me...

What else could I be...

2006-12-16T18:50:00.001-05:00

lashing out, lashing out all this time we're lashing out

I have a habit of saying things out of hurt. I've noticed lately more and more this you hurt me I hurt you mentality that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm not a hurtful person it's a defense mechanism that I'm working on disarming but for those of you I've used my words against I'm truly sorry. Bare with me as I work out the kinks because I never meant to hurt you. That was never my intention. Also I give jaded compliments. I apologize for that as well because I think the world of you, but it is what I was taught and all I know. I feel like I could never receive a compliment without something negative to follow. So now I find myself doing it. I don't mean anything by it and I hear myself saying things that I know I should rethink before they pass my lips. It's so hard to filter for feelings when you're so used to being a certain way. And I care I do not for everyone I've said something without thought about but to the people I truly care about I am sorry. You are perfect the way you are though you may not believe me and when I say things jaded things I'm really talking about myself. I think it goes without saying that I am jaded by this world but I'm a work in progress and at least you gotten me to admit this fault of mine so congratulations because before you I didn't really see it as a "fault." I just say what's on my mind and sometimes it comes off harsh and sometimes it seems like I'm not sparing any one's feelings. not even my own...
also while we're admitting faults... I've said some things about people just random people no one I really care for, that are cruel but I wanted to say that nothing I say is ever mean spirited. ever... I see beauty in every single being on this planet... I call it like it is, sometimes that comes off as mean but I assure you it's not. I think people are beautiful and fascinating and I am amazes by how different we are, and how the same we are... so yeah I may laugh, I may say things (once again calling it like I see it, sometimes the truth is painful but everyone else is thinking the same thing I'm saying. Even you... you who doesn't have a mean bone in your body, still find yourself laughing because you were thinking the same thing you're just too nice to say it out loud)(though I think I've broken you of that because you're quick to point out some one's differently-abled-ness)(whatever it may be) sorry for bringing that side of you out because you are one of the kindest people I know but sometimes my dear makenzie we have to laugh at the world. even amidst the laughter though there is beauty... and I thank all the people out there for bringing a smile to my face and your expense... you are beautiful just the same.
I'm going on and on haven't blogged in a bit but I wanted to apologize really quickly to a few certain individuals I may have hurt (or may not sometimes I give myself too much credit) and to ones I know I've hurt so hard as this is here goes.

MaKenzie: I hope you know I'm joking about 90% of the time with you. I've said somethings I had no idea made you feel insecure or I've touched on things you're sensitive about and I want to apologize. I think you're beautiful, I think you are perfect the way you are. Granted I have a thing for imperfections but not in your case because there is nothing wrong with you inside or out. You are one of, I take that back you are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I thank you for teaching me how to spread beauty and also for teaching me how to stand on my own. Thank you for knocking me off my pedestal when I need it and for putting me back on it when I fall off. you are a life saver and I think everyone should know you like I do (with the exception of the, well I won't talk about it here but know that Daddy is on a mission to please)(please) you have opened my eyes to so many things and i thank you. I'm sorry if I ever pushed your buttons I'm sorry for annoying the fuck out of you I'm sorry for being a bitch I'm sorry for anytime you felt like you were mistreated by me. We always hurt the ones we are the closest too and I apologize for the fucktard that thought up that logic. I'm sorry... I will be more intuitive to your needs and be more sensitive to your passions... (for special people)(among other things) I love you you know that... I'm working on the jaded compliments... just for you.

Hayden: my dear my dear, I need a deep breath for this and I'm not even saying it I'm typing it. We... how can I put this into words. You're not even going to read this I don't see where it matters. The personal jabs lately have been... painful yet at the same time satisfying... to see the misery in your face, to see you offended, to make you lash out back at me... I don't know what it is it hurts so bad but it makes me smile. That's not who I am. I don't want to hurt you. You're one of the last people I would ever want to hurt but I find myself saying things just to see if I can strike up any emotion in you about this situation even if it is hurt and that's not me at all. I am hurt but I knew what I was getting into which gives me no right to lash out at you. Though I would like to knock the fuck out of you just once (I could never do it) I still love you, I still care, I still miss you. I don't know it's ridiculous to feel this way about this. I'm sorry... for everything I've said. At the same time I hope it hurt because that would mean you care and for that I'm sorry as well. I don't know this post is going to be a book long if I say everything I want to say to you so I'll continue with this later... possibly... probably not but know I care about you and I didn't mean anything I said out of hurt or anger I hope you feel the same way...xx

let's see...

Stranger(R.M.R): I said well wrote several things about you that I didn't mean. I believe you know that because you seem to read me like a book. Recite my lines like a movie that you love... but that's not me at all. You never knew me as well as you thought. What you knew was a girl trying to be something she wasn't trying to be what she assumed you would like (without knowing you) Unfortunately I came off as a stranger even to myself. That girl... I don't know who she was but she's gone. I wish I could go back and just be myself with you. I'm not saying everything was lies and illusions there were glimmers of the real me but for the most part... I don't know her. If by some chance you're reading this... it was a defense mechanism to keep me from getting too close to you. I wanted to know you but keep up my walls at the same time and that never works. I won't make that mistake again. I fucked up what could have been an amazing friendship and I apologize for that. You're not lacking in the friends department so I guess what I'm saying really doesn't matter. I just want you to know... that wasn't me and I'm sorry for everything I said and for the way I acted. It was an act... I'm not who you think I am and that's what I'm sorry for most of all. I royally fucked myself over with you... when I'm wrong I admit it... now I would like to move on and start fresh, be myself for awhile... I'm open to starting over... with no pre-conceived notions no assumptions just letting it all go... if you're open... we'll see where this goes... if not... it was a pleasure meeting you... I was afraid... I wish I could tell you... but I'm more afraid that you won't listen than I am of being strangers... it's hard putting yourself out there when you feel so venerable... go back... go back to when we first met and I wrote those words I actually meant about you... that's how I really feel... that's how I still feel... sometimes I just want to go back... I know I can't... thanks for everything

so yeah that's all for now (there's many more these were just the top of the list) as this list continues to grow... I don't feel like laying all my cards "faults" on the table just yet because I'm still not sure if all of them are in fact "faults" I hope everyone saw this day like I did today because it was amazing... just breathe...xx

My heart is also in motion...

2006-12-11T09:19:00.000-05:00

He's never going to look at me with the same filter on his lens again. I'm not the new and fresh girl he saw. He's not intrigued by me anymore if he ever was. I'm not his escape he's not my savior. I stopped falling into old habits while I was around him that's true enough but after this untimely breakage I'm worse than before. Tragic, tragic the games we play. The hurtful things that pass our lips without thought and at the same time carefully thought out. Still, I don't suppose I would change a thing, being an avid believer of not believing in regret. It happened for a reason. There was a lesson learned and learned well. It hurts deeper than these tears, deeper than these words, and far deeper than the smile I fake around him. Fake... That's exactly how I feel lately. I feel like I'm living a lie. I've felt like this before. I thought I was more myself than ever but he changed me into something I never wanted to be to begin with. I wonder if he realizes just how much I've changed. Can I go back? Am I still the girl I was before? Or have I become tainted by this secret? Please tell me I can go back. Be myself again... How can I go back to being myself when I don't even know who I am anymore?
The sad thing is... I don't know if it was him I wanted... or was it just nice to feel wanted... I know I can do much better, but I never felt like I was settling. We're too different and it was doomed from the start. Then why am I so surprised it ended? Why? I knew it was going to happen. Everything ends... I shouldn't have let it go as far as it did... I was in control until I lost control... I don't know for a moment I believed in faerie tales again. I believed I was going to save him and he was going to save me from myself... Faerie tales aren't real. I knew that. I know that. There is no happy ending for us... There is nothing there that wasn't there before. No music, no magic, no beauty, no love, no taking animals or enchanted castles, no knights on white horses... Just this raw, unmerciful, real world where two beings acted on something because it was forbidden and for no other reason. I can't give you a reason. I should have kept my emotions out of it and I wouldn't be hurting now. Maybe I should disassociate my emotions they do nothing but ruin me. Past experience leads me to believe emotions are something that should be discarded along with the idea of love. My ideas of Love are wrong very wrong. Pre-conceived notions of something I've only ever heard of until now will be the death of me. My expectations of love have been cut down to size and knocked off the pedestal I kept him on. He's not a saint. He's not a martyr. He's just a stupid man who wanted what he couldn't have and got a taste of what will never be. We will never be... and it's for the best. I lost sight of my goals and myself I can do better... but... there's something inside of me that still wants to take him to the top with me. I still think he deserves it... I hope he has the best life he can possibly have. His best isn't the same as my best and I know that now. His happiness is very different from mine.
I'll only look back on this tragic affair with fond memories. He opened my eyes on how some things are and somethings aren't. He woke me up to reality and I thank him for that. He made me feel for a moment and I also thank him for that. This was a growing experience and I have grown... now... I move along... a little broken, a little sore, a little battered but no longer jaded. I will only take the good from this and leave the bad to fall behind me. I stopped in my tracks for a moment. I fell to the floor, dropped to my knees, cried my heart out, set the ribbon of release free but now the wounds are healing my heart is back where it belongs, the tears are becoming more scarce and I'm standing again. I'm standing, I'm walking, I'm moving... my hand is out should you need it... I know you are still on your knees... I may fall again that's true... but I will help you before I help myself so you are going to get through this... never alone... we will walk on stable ground again... we will love again... and we will learn... we will breathe easier... our fake smiles will become real... our hearts will beat without pain with every rush of blood... getting out of bed will be more than just a chore... things will be beautiful again you'll see... as raw and real as this world is there is still beauty.. take the beauty from the breaking and leave the rest... you are stronger than this... and you are not as lost as you think... all you need do is look to the night sky for guidance, look to rain on a hot summers day, look to the peace you feel in our secret place, there is beauty and hope all around us... there is movement.., allow yourself to move... allow yourself to grow... you're broken now but you are not beyond repair... I'm speaking to you... don't let this encumber you... move... not because you have to... but because you can... I love you... I admire you and I will help you as you have helped me... I believe in you... you're not crazy you're not losing it you're not anything negative in this world. I can think of no negative word to describe you or the person you are so don't let this hold you back from spreading your beauty and passion and light in this world.
I'm rambling... you know I think the world of you and I believe I am going to get through this simply because you told me I would... I have faith because of you... I have hope because of you... I am alive because of you... you said I saved you but I think it's the other way around... you saved me and in the process saved yourself... I thank you for your unconditional love... I know what that is because of you...

You were never enough

2006-12-08T08:40:00.000-05:00

and you never will be....

And I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with the fact that you will never be what I wanted or desperately needed. Even now when you have a chance to change our relationship you won't because you don't want to and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with you walking out. I'm okay with you pretending like you cared. I'm okay with you lying sweetly. I'm okay with your fake smile. I'm okay with the fact that you chose something/someone over me. I'm okay with feeling abandoned. I'm okay with being jaded. I'm okay with the fake smile I carry on. You taught me well. I'm okay seeing you like that. I'm okay seeing you miserable. (insert smile). I'm okay with the bed you've made and clearly chosen. I'm okay feeling not good enough. I'm okay being tainted. I'm okay being compromised. I'm okay feeling broken. I'm okay feeling lost. I'm okay with the pain I feel every time I look at you. I'm okay with the eye contact I give that you don't deserve. I okay knowing that I am the fool in this situation. I'm okay with the rumors. I'm okay with the whispers. I'm okay with the stares. I'm okay with the scars. I'm okay making more. I'm okay with the promises you didn't make. I'm okay with the promises you broke. I'm okay when I'm crying. I'm okay when I see you. I'm okay on the inside. I'm okay on the out. I'm okay feeling caged. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. I'M so O-FUCKING-KAY I could scream...xx

Sometimes I Wish...

2006-12-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

He hadn't kissed me.
Things were so much easier before that. So much more innocent and pure. Things have gone down hill since then. Just completely different than they are they were. I feel different. I look at him differently. I'm sure he looks at me differently. I know I've said it before but I really feel so compromised. I hate this feeling. I feel it today. Part of me wants to say fuck it. We're both adults what we did has no consequence. Just two people enjoying each others company nothing more nothing less. I wish I had told myself that before I got emotionally attached. It doesn't matter anyways every man I have ever loved has abandoned me at some point so you think I would be used to it. It still hurts. I still wonder if there was something I could have done to keep him. Anything I could have said to make him choose me. I'm judging myself at all angles in this situation. I'm not good enough, I wasn't compromising enough, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's him. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will know. What I do know is that for more than a moment he was mine. For more than a moment we were the only two people just breathing in the breath of our existence. For a moment I was on top of the world. I was happy. I was home. I was free. I was everything I wanted to be. Amazing feeling I hope I feel it again for more than a moment. I hope this time there's not a voice in the back of my head saying he'll never be completely yours.
I know I deserve much better than he could ever give me. But I wanted to give him everything my hopes my fears my dreams my life. I'm glad I've got my head back on straight. I still love him though. I knew better but I will take what I got from this and learn. I have learned many, many things and I'm thankful to my teacher as bittersweet as it is. I still maintain that I wish the best for him. I still just want him to be happy regardless of my feelings. His happiness means more to me than my own. I've never felt like this. I hope he's happy right now. I hope he has a full happy life. He's a good man even if all he'll ever be to me is a memory...xx

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song blood on my hands to stay strong

2006-12-01T08:45:00.000-05:00

You still can't make me cry
you've pinned this butterfly down
My fire's burning out
kill my flame without a frown
And starving hurts the soul
when you're hungry for
some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly above and..

Tell me this will end soon. Tell me I'll move on. Tell me there's a place I can call home. A place I belong. A place full of infinite freedom. A place that makes all the pain I'm feeling now worth it. Tell me there's hope for me... They say pain lets you know you're alive. Well if that's true I am very alive, more alive than I've ever been in my life. I hate feeling like this. Were the good times worth it? Were the little moments I felt worth this? Is he worth this? Does he care? I'm still not sure... All I know is that I feel like an idiot. God I feel so compromised. So not myself. I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror. I am everything I never thought I would be and that scares the shit out of me, that some man can have so much control over me. That I can completely change the person I was for someone other than myself. I thought I was strong with who I was, what I believed in but it turns out I'm as weak as everyone else. Well, not anymore. I'm going back to the way I was. I'm done being someone I'm not. Falling in love with him made me slowly start to hate the person I was becoming. I'm not that person. I can't be that person. So I'm not going to. I'm done. I'm out. I'm going back to being me not some compromised contradiction shadow of myself. I am strong. I am worthy. I deserve better.
He's talking to me again. I don't know how I feel about it. I want to be friends but I want him to realize he can't fuck with my emotions anymore. If he doesn't care then just come out and say it. I'll live... really...
This is my fault and now I'm going to fix it... I should have known better... stupid girl...xx

Life Update

2006-11-26T10:03:00.000-05:00

This holding it together thing feels like trying to hold water in a balloon with holes punched in it. I think it's easier when he's not around. I'm honestly in a daze. I'm not depressed. I'm emotional. I do miss him alot but I'm not sad. No, I am sad it's just a different sort of sad. A hopeful sad. If that makes any sense at all. Maybe I'm still deluding myself I don't know, sometimes I feel like a fool. I feel used. I know that was not his intention though I don't know what his intention was I just feel odd. I've never been in this situation. I feel like a kid dropped off at school for the first time kind of abandoned, frightened and just... Confused. We could start with eye contact and move on from there. I think that would be a good start. I still don't regret anything. I still don't plan on it. I don't believe in regret once again. Everything that happens has reason though you may not ever find out why. There is a reason for us.
Moving on...
Got a new addition. She's a cutey. Still thinking of a name. She's an ankle biter but I have hope that one day she'll move on to atleast calves.
Lamarjorie is still living with me. I love it. It's nice to have someone to sleep with. It's comforting in a heterosexual life partner kinda way.
Brantley leaves the 14th only time will tell how this story goes.
what to say what to say.
hung out at the spot last night for the first time in awhile. I was alittle uncomfortable at first.
Michael came to Milledgeville. He's the same but different. I love that man. He's pretty effen kick ass in my eyes.
Oh also I have a "stalker" yeah funny story I'll tell later.
Blitz was fun other than the harassment but honestly I've gotten used to it so I say continue running your fucking mouth you filthy whore you'll get yours in the end I guarantee it. You should seriously consider sweeping around your own doorstep because the shadiness and shit you're doing is on your heals and it's only a matter of time before you get caught in the act. If you hurt him you will fucking regret it until the day you die bitch. Believe me.
Woh went moderately crazy. I'm protective of people I love what can I say.
Not much else really. Going to bed. I love being a creature of the night seriously 10am as a bed time is my idea of a good time... one more day of work and then freedom. Lord get me through this.
Not work I can handle that on my own.
I need a miracle I need it fast I know you're listening. I feel you. Here's the thing I know something is going on I feel that too. Just let me know. I know everything happens for a reason. I know something is about to happen. . . It's a feeling I can't explain like waiting for that first leaf of fall to drop you know it's coming you know more will follow but all you can do is wait. I'm waiting... I'm watching... I'm listening open heartedly. I know things will end up like they're supposed to... I know there's a plan for me. I'm ready... For the first time... I'm ready...

If you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting...

2006-11-23T11:13:00.000-05:00

I miss him more than I've missed anyone in my life but I know this is for the best... I'm not giving up on him but I'm not waiting on him either. I'm not saying I'm placing myself completely out there on the market but should opportunity arise I definitely won't turn it down. I've already done that once and I don't regret it but I did lose a friend out of it which sucks. Not that, that was the only reason but I'm sure it was a factor in my mind atleast.
I wish him and you ever happiness in the world and I'm thankful to have know him. I'm thankful to finally know what love is even if it is bittersweet. I've decided to not be jaded by the events that have taken place. I knew what I was getting into before the "relationship" started. I knew he couldn't be mine.
My timing is ALWAYS off but atleast I have learned how to open myself up and how to love unconditionally how to love in general and I thank him for that. He'll never know how much I thank him for that.
He is an amazing man and I hope we can move past this years down the line and be friends. It's all we should have been to begin with. He's one of the best friends I've ever had and I thank him for that as well. I miss talking to him. I hope we talk like we did again soon.
I hope years down the line we'll meet up again and the timing will be better this time. I hope he's happy. I hope he will be happy.
I miss Lamarjorie. I miss her a lot I've been on my own for a week now and I've realized she isn't my crutch. Yes she is an enormous factor in my life but I can survive without her. I just don't want to. I'm thankful for you Lamarjorie more than you'll ever know. You say I helped save you but the truth is you saved me. You've made me so open to things I never would have experienced on my own. I thank you for breaking down my walls and helping me to see the beautiful person I am. I thank you for helping me to see me threw your eyes. I thank you for helping me see how beautiful the world can be. You are amazing. You are everything good in this world and I hope you find your happiness one day as well. You deserve it more than anyone I know. I love you unconditionally and true.
Hope everyone has a reason to be thankful today and I hope everyone expresses they're love and gratitude to the ones in their lives...
Life is wonderful. life is beautiful. life is worth all the pain and hurt because of people like you. you make like easier. you make like beautiful...xx

Will you be there in the end my January Friend

2006-11-19T19:24:00.000-05:00

I'm in the market for a new job once again. It's the holiday season and work during the holiday season is hell. I know it won't last but I'm more and more restless everytime I walk through those doors. I used to like my job. I used to be excited about going to work but now it's really turned into a prison. I know it's only temporary but I feel trapped sometimes. Most times... I'm finding more and more reasons to just walk out the door. Tell them to fuck off, but that's not me. I'm not a quitter anymore. Sigh... This blows. I wish I had stayed on dayshift sometimes.
Lamarjorie has been out. I don't know if she even has a job anymore. Hayden has been out as well sick. So I've been alone which doesn't make it any better. If Lamarjorie is fired I'm walking then I'm going to apply everywhere and try to find a normal job. Hayden is leaving as well so there's really nothing holding me there except for the money which isn't so bad but in the long run isn't worth it.
I start school in January. I just have to hold out until then... I can't wait to go back I'm excited.
But yeah not much else going on. Thanksgiving is almost here. I miss my family. I miss being able to spend time with them. This job has taken over my life...

There is beauty in the breaking

2006-11-18T08:07:00.000-05:00

I am constantly impressed with life. I was going to post some newer memories but I'm going to save them for later. I realized that even in the hardest moments of my life there is still beauty to be found. Like with my current situation yeah it sucks yes it hurts yes at moments I feel like I'm dying but the beauty in all of it is that I know what love is. For the first time in my life I am in love. I've never been in love and now I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to be selfless and not care about anything else in the world except another's well being. I care about that man more than myself. I would give him anything, do anything. I would die to save him. It's odd to feel so invincible and frail at the same time. I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope. It's exciting. The anticipation the fear the natural high of being so far up in the clouds. There are so many emotions flowing through my body at once that I feel like at any second I'm going to fall. Just fall. The only thing I am uncertain about in this situation is if there's a safety net. Honestly I don't care. I've already gone over the edge. Past the point of no return, if you will. I know there's no going back. The only direction I can go is forward and I'm so anxious to see how my story will end up. Even if I don't end up with him I know what love is and feels like and it's because of him. It's odd how just a kiss can knock your world upside down, change all you believe to be true and secure.
It started out with a kiss
It was only a kiss
I'm awake I'm alive I'm in love... It really is too late for me... I think I've stopped staring at the infinite abyss and finally taken the leap of faith...xx

Hey remember that time...

2006-11-16T13:48:00.000-05:00

If it's not one thing it's another I swear but you know what... Fuck it... Seriously... I'm broke all the time... I have no clue what I want to do with my life... My job is shit... But honestly if that's all that's going wrong I really have nothing to complain about... People are dying of diseases we have cures for... I'm just your average broke college "drop out". I don't think there's really any comparison there. So moving on...
Hey remember that(those) time(s)...
My favorite colors were pink and purple
I had a solid white cat with no tail, one green eye and one blue eye who hopped like a bunny and sat like a human
my first pets name was catwoman
I hit my cousin with a lead pipe before I was even in elementary school because he was a little shit and now he's one of my best friends
The first music video I ever saw was a Madonna video
I used to play in my walk in closet because my dad would sleep on my bed instead of watching me this is one of my only memories of him
I used to carry around a little karaoke cassette player when I was a kid
I like gunea pigs I used to have several
I love penguins I want several
We went to the mountains to see my grandmother and toured a cave I thought it would be cool to live there this is one of my only memories of my grandmother
when we built a home from scratch out in the boondocks and I would give anything to buy that house today
we would pull over and rescue turtles on the side of the road and set them free in the woods behind our house (stickered and released)
when Luke and Joseph would jump in Jack the Billy goats cage and make him mad then they would jump onto of his house so he would head but the house instead of them
my dog who was names boobs and would bite any kid but me
that time that water moccasin was in our boat and everyone jumped out into the pond except me
when shepherds pie was my favorite meal ever
when you kissed me behind the bushes in elementary school even though you were seeing two other girls besides me at the time
when I gave you a white rose because I couldn't meet you because I had other plans
when you called me cosmopolitan calico for a few months after I bleached the black out of my hair
when we'd stay on the phone for hours talking about digimon (when I was 15) you were the only other person I knew who watched that show besides me
when you would come to my house and play tomb raider I loved to watch you play you were so passionate about it
when you would come over to see her but end up falling asleep on my bed
us video taping you sleeping
SEA-MENT and PEE-CANS
when I was your glowworm
when you were my panda
Everytime it would rain we would run outside with no shoes on and play in our dirt drive way until it stopped and we were soaked
that time we saw Mr.Freeman even though he had died the day before
when we would play cops and robbers riding our bikes as fast as we could peddle down our paved driveway
when we hung up sheets and lit candles and made our dining room into a Italian restraunt and cooked for you (even though we didn't make Italian food)
the drives back and forth to south Carolina listening to Jason mraz speeding through the city and driving below the speed limit through the country talking to God feeling something bigger than yourself
midnight "prayer" sessions on the baseball field across from our house where we did everything but pray
putting together a trampoline the night before Christmas for Cheyenne and Gunner and getting sick because it was so cold
riding four wheelers until our thighs and legs could barely move they were so soar
push up popsicles on hot summer days
playing in the creek deep in the woods
drinking from well water
playing in your attic
your grandmother from Chili
only swimming at night "final judgment"
making a fort on the back porch and sleeping out there all night
Spells, Magic, being scared shitless
running away to Columbus
Washington D.C. at night the ride there and back
Destin Florida
Charleston South Carolina
Baltimore
Kissamee
sitting on the front row at sea world
driving to your parents house in Tennessee on the spur of a moment to be at your sisters 18th birthday party
when I had an Alice in wonderland complex
when you had a peter pan complex
We all we needed was our imagination to be free
The tire swing
playing soccer in the huge field outside our house
porkcop
Cody the smartest dog in the world
Buffy My Third Aunt
Cochie, Niki, Spanki, Beauty, Dakota, Prince, Shawn, Kal, John, Tinkerbell, Kelly, Nick, Lance, Rocky, Kristin, Precious, Cluney, Ashley, Smokey, Reeces, Alex, and countless other furry friends
running down the hill to recess
when your road used to flood everytime it rained
how you called me bite me and Kelsey radiator face
that time we made that cool book and got caught
when you told me I was so close to being an angel it was scary and I asked why I wasn't and you told me sarcasm was my demon
when I got drunk for the first time at 13 off of daiquiris
playing the heretic
Monkey Island
Loom
Kings Quest
Sonic the Hedgehog
Spyro
when you took me to see hocus pocus because my dad canceled on me
the first time I cussed in front of my mom (I said fuck)
the first time I made a C I cried

Ah old memories the next post will be newer ones. I was just recalling how many highlights I've had in this short life of mine...xx

R/-\ND[]M TH/-\T F[]LL[]\/\/S

2006-11-09T07:01:00.001-05:00

Little life updates and such...
played Guitar hero 2 at jeremy's and Beth. I must say I'm moderately impressed. The graphics are better the songs are well the list could have been better but there are several good songs. Not really as impressed with the "unknown" bands so far though and that was my favorite part of the first game. I give it 4 out of 5 stars just the same.
Life life life... I'm still having this feeling of wanting to break out. Break lose. Do something insanely crazy. We bought spray paint. Not saying what our plans are just saying we have plans. I want to misbehave. Haven't pulled any pranks in quite a while.
He still isn't talking to me. Not that it's a big loss his facade is far more interesting that the person I encountered. I found him childish at inappropriate times lifeless more than not and dull except for the few moments when he wasn't hmm better yet when he was himself. I'm sure it's a misconception guess we'll never know. Like I said not really a concern of mine. He's not the only original person in this world.
The "affair" is kind of stagnant at the moment. Kinda slowed down. I don't know. I don't think it's over but it's defiantly on pause, which is good because I needed time to think and I'm pretty sure I have my priorities straight now. Eh we'll see, no use worrying about something I have no control over.
I think we're going to see Joseph Monday in FL he moved down there a month or so ago and he's been begging us to come see some drag show which I'm excited about. Never been to one it sounds fun. I hope we get to go. I need a break from this fucking town and the people in it.
Let's see random, random, random...
Beth's talking about losing a bunch of weight and joining the army. I'm trying to talk her out of it because I think it's a mistake. I support her in any decision she makes but I don't have to like it. I think she feels like she has messed up college and this is how she can redeem herself which is complete bullshit. She only messed up a couple of semesters not her life. I wish she could see she can get back on track if she puts her mind to it just like me.
I'm planning on going back in January I've said that before so I'll believe it when I see it.
Oh I talked to Johnny like the past three days it's weird like talking to a ghost. I missed him. He used to be my best friend. We'll see how that goes.
And also one of my very good friends for a good while Michael is coming back to milledgeville to see me so I'm excited. He's amazing and was an amazing friend at a time when I needed him so it will be good to see him.
Not much else going on. kinda bored with things as a general but the holidays are coming and I know things will be better soon.
I smoked my last cigarette. Sort of. I'll explain later. I'll explain why I felt I needed to quit as well.
other than that not much else to report... Hope your life is more interesting at mine...xx

Here with me

2006-11-08T02:47:00.000-05:00

Why do I feel like 80% (that's being generous) of people aren't worth my time?
I'm constantly losing faith in people as a whole. It's not that I think I'm better than everyone just more than the average person. Eh... I need to get the hell out of this town away from these people. Somewhere I can breathe somewhere I can feel fresh and brand new. Somewhere where things still take my breath away at the same time. Contradictions, contradictions...
I need a fresh start but at the same time I want to be close to my friends and family and the people I love. I wish I could take everyone I love in this world and transport them to some deserted island and forget the world. Won't happen but it's a nice thought.
I have three cloves before I quit. I don't think I'm addicted but it is a comfort to have them. Jesus I picked a hell of a time to quit. I'm under more pressure more stress more pain than I've ever been in, in my life and I decide now's a good time to kick the habit. Way to go me. My timing is always fucking off. Always. It's always been this way for as long as I can remember.
I don't know what I'm saying... A vacation would be nice. Some time to travel... In the end all we really have is time and I feel like Mine is slipping away just out of reach. I'm stuck in some twilight zone of infinite repeats...
I've got to break away before I break down...

I fucking miss him and I can't sleep. atleast not any sleep that's worth a damn. He's comfort to me and when he's away it's hard to do much of anything. I fucked myself over with this love thing... if he's happy I can pretend I'm happy... I hope he's happy...xx

Unspoken

2006-11-07T18:34:00.000-05:00

This empty bed reminds me that I'm alone...

There are so many things I'm never going to get to say to you I know it. I feel it. When I said I was going to miss you one day I didn't know it would be so soon. I want you to be happy and I said even if it was with her so why am I miserable now? Is it because of your current state of "happiness" or the fact that I know it won't last? Will you come running back to me like before? I honestly don't know if I can handle this roller coaster much longer. Eh life has been so foreign to me lately, so new, so different and for awhile it was exciting. Exciting to finally have a real secret at 20 years old. My first real secret but now I don't know. It's become more of a nuisance. I'm bored with my life as a general again. I guess because it feels like the "affair" maybe ending or maybe it's beginning I'm not sure what I mean. I'm not sure what you mean. All I know is that it's hard to sleep alone unless I'm exhausted and I miss you terribly. God, I'm an idiot. Too intelligent for my own good and too idiotic to realize I can do better? I don't think I can though I honestly think he's one of the best men I will ever have the pleasure of knowing and I only hope it's not over before it has truly began. I've come to grips with the affair. I've rationalized in my head why it's okay to be having an affair. I've just gotten comfortable with it and the shit hits the fan. Fun Fun to be young and single. It's lovely being in the center of this drama... Really... I love being accused of things I haven't quite done yet. I like being in this controversy it makes me feel important when I'm called out by name. So continue talking I'm glad to bring some entertainment to your mediocre, mundane, routine little lives... Really. Oh and hey while we're on the subject of your "lives" (I use the term lightly) when you were young is this the future you envisioned? Guess we can't all be blessed with an important calling but hey someone has to do your jobs I suppose we can very well check ourselves out now can we. Oh wait... We can. Guess you really are useless as you seem.
I'm sorry I'm being cruel. I forget sometimes that not everyone is smart. I just expect people to be on my level. Sounds cocky but I just think higher of people than they actually have potential and often I'm disappointed with the human race as a general. Maybe it's just the back-ass-ward people in this town. I'm sure there's people worth holding a conversation with somewhere.
I'm jumping from subject to subject... Point is a lot of drama went down recently I was "involved" specifically by name and though the storm has calmed I think it's far from over. I can't wait to see how this plays out...
I'm in a non-caring arrogant I'm better than you mood I apologize... But not really... xx

Maybe Baby...

2006-11-03T20:31:00.000-05:00

I know there's hope in there
But I wanna walk away
He's says it's bright in there
Even in lighter shades of grey
And though it looks like rain
I'm not gonna cry
As the seasons are changing In your heart
So will I
I will fly

I swear it feels like my life has turned upside down. I feel out of control. It's a good loss of control. It's the kinda control you want to lose. I just wish the circumstances were different, that situations were different. But then again if they were I know I would be completely out of control. I still have a little control. It's my eternally realistic nature. Have fun while you have it cause it won't last type deal. I don't know this has slowly and gradually turned into something more. Something brand new. Something I've never felt in my life and it's scary and exciting and painful and wonderful all at the same time. It's a million feelings pulsing through out my body everytime he's near everytime he's away. It's like I just realized I'm alive. It's like I finally remembered how to breathe. Everything is fresh and new. It's like a constant feeling Christmas. You know that feeling you get when you see lights on houses and trees. Or better yet it's like the feeling you get when you see fireworks. I feel like fireworks hundreds of fireworks lighting up the dark sky. Light like electricity racing threw the darkness. Millions of tiny sparks burning with all the ambition they have. OOhs and AAhs from everyone. I feel like I'm looking up at the empty sky waiting just waiting for that brief moment when everything is light. I'm excited and nervous and I'm anticipating beautiful and it shoots off and it's breathtaking and I'm speechless...
I hope this feeling last. I hope it last with him. If it doesn't I hope I feel at least a small portion of it again before I die because I'm addicted to whatever this feeling is. I always want to feel it and when I don't I'm miserable. I've got "it" (whatever it is) bad.
I hope this season never ends I hope it goes on past it's time. God, I just want to scream out loud. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to sing.
but then... In the back of my mind. There's a girl, a girl who used to be guarded beyond reach who's sitting there saying watch yourself because it's only the beginning of the end. It's going to end. I've let my guard down I'm venerable he could break me at any moment. God he could break me beyond repair. I don't think he knows the power he has and I'm going to keep it that way until he knows his intentions. I don't think he knows what he wants. I only hope he figures it out before it's too late for me. Yes, I'll survive but I'm going to have to have some recover time I know. It's not going to be easy to get over him. I don't know if I ever will.
I'm ending it before it's really begun in my mind. I have hope but I don't want to have too much hope because I don't want to be disappointed. So when he says things like I'm going to pack my shit and leave her, I'm thinking 'we'll see' I'm never, I don't know, too happy about it. I wouldn't be happy, clearly he loved her once and I hate that it's leaving. I once again just want him to be happy, with her, with me, with someone new. I just want that boy to be happy regardless of my feelings. I think I should be more selfish but it's not in my nature.
I don't know I'm rambling on...
God I hope this doesn't break me... xx
I am in _ _ _ _.

Rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons...

The saddest boy that I have ever seen

2006-10-29T18:30:00.000-05:00

Get off work about 4 o'clock
And I'm late again
Cause you'll be here by 6:30
We'll go looking for a close parking spot again
Sitting in a room full of believers
Now you tell me what's wrong and what's right
Cause I look over at you baby
And you got your good intentions focused so tight
And now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
To watch these drugs break you down
When there's nothing you can do and no one to get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
What's wrong with a little bit of experimentation
To open the eyes of the new generation
Well build your world on an empty foundation
And watch it all blow away
Now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
To watch these drugs pull you down
When there's nothing we can do and no one can get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
Well I haven't seen you in a while
You know I miss our talks I miss your smile
Cause the look of innocence is priceless
And baby right now you look so lifeless
And now it hurts me so to have to see you go
To watch this song break you down
When there's nothing we can do
And no one to get through
Remember all the things you tried to forget
And now it hurts me so
To have to see you go
Watch this song break you down

just a song for the rich boy if you please...xx

people should say what they mean and mean what they say. Why filter your words? What shorten them or change them? I love it when you say what you mean regardless of afactorsers that didn't hold you back in the first place. What changed? Why change? This world would be a better place if people could speak their minds unrestricted...xx

I feel like my conversations with you are like lost translations on repeat

2006-10-25T07:43:00.000-05:00

I never said I hated you. It's not in me to hate. That takes too much effort and too much out of me. I'm not that consumed with my "dislike" of you. I don't hate you. I never could... I never will and I don't dislike you either. I just realized that I was letting what you thought consume me and I'm over that part of our "relationship" now I would very much like to move past that and move on.
I've grown a lot in the past month or so and I think you would notice If you were there to notice. Forgive me for my distance but other things have moved into my "priority" (if you will) list. Yes I still read your beautiful words yes I still have the urge to text you just to see if you're all right yes I can't hear a deftones song without thinking of you but no it doesn't keep me awake at night. No I'm not obsessing over you or consumed with you. (though I do thank you for introducing me to some kick ass bands)(never was a deftones fan before you)
I stand by everything I've said about you the good and the bad. I think you are one of the most beautiful souls I will never know. It's a shame but I'm not going to fall to pieces and put my life on pause because of it. As for you playing God... I said myself I thought we were all God to a certain degree. We're all "guilty" of "playing God".
Forgive me for assuming your post was for me or atleast part of it. I do that from time to time. If it was it's a pleasure to know you still read my words as well. If not, I hope you're reading this now, reading my words and I've said all I know to say...
Read them carefully, I'm not making you out to be anything more than you are through my eyes. Not an evil creature, not a "villain" just you. This is my translation of you as wrong as it may be It's still just my translation.
I don't hate you. I'm very fond of you. I would never say anything to your back I wouldn't say to your face. I'm not a liar (believe it or not) just mislead from time to time. I'm not consumed though I still find you enchanting.
And above all I am not as immature as you think I am. Guess you'll never know the real me. Guess I will never be one of your friends like I once wanted desperately to be. You don't consider me a friend at all I suppose just a, mutual acquaintance but I consider you more than that. At least I would be nice enough to say hello, ask you how you were instead of say, flat out ignoring you and not even looking you in the eye while talking to your sister as if you were good friends. That was defiantly mature. I would never do that to you oh and before you go and think "oh she's mad because I'm 'friends' with her sister" think again I could care less who you associate with it's your life. But don't ignore me. Don't pretend like I don't exist, overlook me, treat me like some girl you've never met. At least have the decency to acknowledge that I am a person and I do exist. That's what hurt. That's what made my opinions of you waver. You're not an ass hole you're not a villain but you have you're moments when you are petty and cruel and you know exactly what you're doing. I'm not like that so I don't understand how you can just cut things off. It's odd to me like you're a puppeteer pulling everyone in your worlds strings and it's not going to work on me anymore that was all I was saying. You hurt me, you made me feel like I wasn't a person like I wasn't real... But I am. I'm very real and I am a person with feelings and I felt like in that moment you stepped all over them with no concern for anything really.
So before you throw stones and offer you're advice I think you should remember we all have moments of immaturity, we all have ass hole moments, we all are scared at some point, we all make mistakes and we all feel, even you... I hope I haven't "hurt" you (I honestly don't give myself that much power in your world but if I have hurt you I'm truly sorry) I just want you to see where I am coming from my perspective.
Oh and as for God being busy with you. God is with the ones with most need, be it you, or be it someone ten times worse off than you, either way it's nice to hear you've found him. I'm glad you're chatting. Sometimes I need him but at the end of the day I don't need him nearly as much as some people do.
I truly hope we move past this pettiness and can sit down and have a mature open talk oneday over coffee and cloves perhaps. Until then, I hope you are well... I'm still a friend, on my part, if you ever have need, I wouldn't shut you out. I won't ignore you... we should talk...xx
something you taught me. I do however believe in both and I see both in you...

The world as I see it? The world as she sees it?

2006-10-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

Well I should have told you I sold my soul to an angel
I should have told you this world is not my own
I should have wrapped you, wrapped you like a present
I should have gotten to you before you were grown
I should have whispered in your ear when you were lonely
I should have taken you, taken you by the hand
I should have told you you are, you are worthy
I should have shown you, you are, you are a beautiful man
I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
For my beautiful man
I should have told you I would be difficult
I should have shown you the scars on my soul
I should have told you I wanted you to take care of me
Without allowing you any of my control
And I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to be inside you when I can
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man
I should have told you I was not good enough for you
I should have whispered I am unkind
And I want to save you from yourself
I want to save you from everybody else
I want to save you from myself
And I am doing the best that I can
You beautiful man
I am doing the best that I can
Oh, you beautiful man

It's a comfort to know that all we are is mutual avoidances

2006-10-23T11:25:00.000-05:00

We avoid the truth we avoid people we avoid confrontation we avoid all types of situations. It's very comforting to know that I'm an avoidance and so are you.
Where does this post come from you may ask... Or not... Either way I don't care. I'm avoiding something. I'm avoiding a big something. Something that I know is going to make or break me and I'm scared as shit. I've never been more afraid in my life. I'm not a person who is afraid of much of anything but this scares me with a deep dark paralyzing fear and I have no one to talk to it about so I'm holding it inside and that scares me to. I wish God did do overs. Actually I wish I could ask God for help in this situation but he's stopped talking to me and he wouldn't help me with this even if he were talking to me. I guess I really am on my own with this. I made my bed or un-made it in my case and I have to deal with it.
The truth is... I am ... Jesus I don't think I can bare to write it down...
I am in _ _ _ _, and I've never been so scared in my life. Every minute away from him I'm hurting. Every time I'm near him I'm hurting. So I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do and there's nothing I can do about it.
Praying for her to get in wreck or some freak accident with a fire or something really defeats the purpose of prayer. I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want him to be hurt so her cheating and falling in love with someone else isn't an option either. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do really. I feel so helpless. I feel so lost. I feel like I've made a mistake I can't undo and even if I could I wouldn't. Anytime I'm given with him is more than I deserve.
I know I'm not completely to blame but I feel like this is my fault. I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm being tested especially when I don't think I'll pass. I don't want to pass. My heart doesn't want to pass and my conscience is eating away at me. (at least someone in the world still has one of those)I'm torn. I'm completely lost in this situation.
I'm in _ _ _ _ with a _ _ _ _ _ man...xx

oh yes something I forgot there is another truth I've been avoiding and it's time I came clean about it. I chose him over you. I couldn't "be with" you because of him. He is real. The realest thing I've ever known and you live illusions. I wanted your approval so damn bad that I kept that to myself but now I don't care what you think of me. I want to be real and I want to live a real life the good and the bad. I want the truth, not some delusions I've made up so that the real world doesn't effect me. I don't want to be numb. I want to feel everything this world has to offer. So you continue to pretend you are God. You are only God of your world and your world is getting smaller by the second. Pretty soon there won't be much left. You are on a self destructive path. I thought I was but it turns out I'm on the up and up because I feel. Pain, hurt, happiness, and even LOVE. Love is real in my world and love is amazing. I hope you get to feel it someday for yourself it will vastly improve you're mediocre outlook on life. Be good be safe. I don't care what you think anymore from now on it's what I think...xx

If you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting

2006-10-20T07:03:00.000-05:00

I lost it for a minute I swear that boy makes me lose my mind. I don't know what it is. You know I wish I could rewind time and figure out exactly when he started hanging with us. When exactly did the wonder twins become the three amigos again. It's kinda like when Anderson was around only this guy actually has the balls to own up to liking me. Who gave him permission to just weasel his way into our circle. Wait... Is two people really a circle? I don't know when it happened but it happened and I like it... No I love it...
Now there's this new guy trying to join the Amigos. Well honestly he's already a member. Sweetheart named Gary Arnold. I call him Brantley cause he looks like this guy I knew in highschool. He's a sweetie.
So the stats have changed once again I forgot to say but my number one (that was you) is now my number two and my number two who I'm going to refer to as Hayden from now on is now number one and zero hasn't changed and four and five haven't changed.
So Hayden is out of town with his "family" this is really sad because I saw him yesterday technically but I kinda miss him. Only a little though. A little... I miss his big dumb smile. There's a lot more I need to say but I'm going to continue you that on the confessions blog.
just wanted to say I'm okay now... I'm good... Considering...xx

In regards to my last post

2006-10-17T09:48:00.000-05:00

I'm not suicidal I just wish everyone would fucking die sometimes. maybe not everyone but the population of this world would be vastly improved if all the idiots and self centered selfish people who constantly fuck people over would all just drive their pretty little cars into a tree and for the ones who can't drive you should run out in front of the car before it hits the tree and for those who can't walk wheel yourselves off a fucking mountain. This world would be so much better if it were missing a few people.

Here she lies a girl in love with the world but alas she was only ever drama's mistress

2006-10-17T09:27:00.000-05:00

I have royally fucked myself over this time...xx

I think this may be the end for me
I think it's too late for me now
I think I messed up for the last time
I think it's... over

I'm fucked, I'm fucked, I'm fucked x10 I AM FUCKED. I had borders I had boundaries and I let him cross them and the sad part is I don't care anymore. I don't care that he has a wife. I don't care about that stupid fucking ring on his finger. I used to have morals I used to say that would never be me and look where is got me. Just look . . . Just fucking look at me.
God I thought you never gave people more than they can handle. I believe in you and I believe you are there but when are you going to step in and say "World I think you are fucking yourselves over and it's time to fix your mistakes"
I'm so selfish I can't see beyond my little world of drama I'm getting off subject there are people dying daily and all you have to do is step in and take over. Innocent people are dying and they don't have to be. This is not how the world has to be. You have the power to make things better so why don't you. WHY!!! If God is Love and I truly believe it to be then where are you. I thought I was the one desensitized but it seems you are. You care don't you. You care that people are hurting don't you? I feel like I've lost faith but maybe it's you who has lost faith. Have you completely given up on us?
I'm hurting. I'm hurting I'm fucking hurting God. Can you see my tears can you feel the pain I'm feeling? Have you ever felt pain? Do you feel pain when you look at the state of this world? GIVE ME A SIGN you're still listening. There is so much good in this world so much but it is never going to have a chance to flourish without the sun.
I'm......... losing it. I'm on the verge of a serious breakdown....... a breakdown. Maybe that's what I need. I hate feeling like I could sleep the next few days and not give a shit for the world or the people in it. not leave my room, not leave my house, not eating not drinking barely breathing just existing. Is this what you have planned in the grand scheme of things. me hiding away withering away I'm dying God damn it. I am dying inside and hardly anyone in this fucking fucked up world gives a damn.
I swear if I could find the nearest cliff I would fling myself off of it and be concerned with the world no longer.
Fuck this world that's fucking me over. I care about you and you care about your fucking selves. Fuck you... FUCK YOU...
I'm not losing it.... I'm lost...xx

10 things you probably didn't know about me and one painful truth

2006-10-16T20:08:00.000-05:00

10. I still watch cartoons (closet anime freak)( I would go to a Cosplay event if it wasn't too weird).
9. When I'm barefoot I walk around on my tip toes.
8. I used to be a hardcore Jesus freak.
7. My eyes change color with my mood and my clothes.
6. I can't snap or cross my eyes.
5. I can't say cinnamon.
4. I tell people I don't believe in love so I won't be disappointed when I don't find it but in reality it's one of the only things I believe in.
3. I believe in Ghost.
2. I bite my lip when I'm intrigued.
1. I'm in love with someone I can never have and I think he may love me back. He kissed me and I want him to do it again...

just wasting time nothing better to do on a manic Monday. I need to get my head straight. I need to get my priorities straight. I feel like my mind is at war honestly. Beth says I need to stop thinking and just go with it but my heart is having conflicts. Too many to count. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I mean Beth is amazing but I need an outside perspective. Though they'll probably tell me what my heart is telling me and what I don't want to hear. I just wish I knew what he wanted from me. What does he want from me? I guess I should ask him but I honestly don't think he knows, how could he? I should have stopped it while I was ahead but it's too late for me now. I'm emotionally attached. I don't know when it happened. It was over night. It just snuck up on me. I didn't expect it I knew my borders, or atleast I thought I did, and somehow they got crossed. Ugh maybe I am over thinking this. I need a pocket Dr.Phil though I know what he would say and I know he would disapprove. God so many contradictions in my mind so many conflicts. I thought things were getting better but it seems there's a brand new kind of drama something I never expected... Jesus what's wrong with me...xx

Sometimes Drama is best expressed via Disney songs(thanks to beth for inspiration)

2006-10-13T08:02:00.000-05:00

BEFORE THE KISS:
What would I give
To live where you are?
What would I pay
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you
Smiling at me?
Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of your world
I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world

MY THOUGHTS:
I wonder, I wonder I wonder why each little bird has a someone
To sing to, sweet things to
A gay little lark melody?
I wonder, I wonder I wonder if my heart keeps singing
Will my song go winging
To someone, who'll find me
And bring back a love song to me?

BETH'S ROLE A LITTLE WHISPER:
There you see her
Sitting there across the way
She don't got a lot to say
But there's something about her
And you don't know why
But you're dying to try
You wanna kiss the girl
Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
Possible she wants you too
There is one way to ask her
It don't take a word
Not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
My oh my
Look like the boy too shy
Ain't gonna kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Ain't that sad?
Ain't it a shame?
Too bad, he gonna miss the girl
Now's your moment
Floating in a blue lagoon
Boy you better do it soon
No time will be better
She don't say a word
And she won't say a word
Until you kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Don't be scared
You got the mood prepared
Go on and kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Don't stop now
Don't try to hide it how
You want to kiss the girl
Sha la la la la la
Float along
And listen to the song
The song say kiss the girl
Sha la la la la
The music play
Do what the music say
You got to kiss the girl
You've got to kiss the girl
You wanna kiss the girl
You've gotta kiss the girl
Go on and kiss the girl

CURRENTLY HOW I FEEL:
So this is love, Mmm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, Mmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
Mmm Mmm So this is love

BETH'S TAKE ON THE SITUATION:
There's something sweet
And almost kind
But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined
And now he's dear
And so I'm sure
I wonder why I didn't see it there before
She glanced this way
I thought I saw
And when we touched she didn't shudder at my paw
No it can't be
I'll just ignore
But then she's never looked at me that way before
New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that he's no Prince Charming
But there's something in him that I simply didn't see

ONE ISSUE:
"Madame Gaston!"
Can't you just see it?
"Madame Gaston!"
His "little wife"
No sir! Not me!
I guarantee it
I want much more than this provincial life
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

MY CONSCIENCE:
Listen with your heart You will understand
Let it break upon you Like a wave upon the sand
Listen with your heart You will understand

MY HEART:
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

OUTSIDERS???:
If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we made the whole world bright
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us where these whispers in the night
But still my heart is singing
We were right
There's no moment I regret
Since the moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I've lived at last...
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
I thought our love would be so beautiful We'd turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is singing
We were right
We were right
And If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

ME TRYING TO HIDE IT FROM THE WORLD AND MYSELF:
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad
No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

REALITY SINKING IN:
Poor unfortunate souls
In painIn need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them?Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man
Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead!Make your choice!
I'm a very busy woman
And I haven't got all day
It won't cost muchJust your voice!
You poor unfortunate soul
It's sadBut true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You've got to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll!
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys
The boss is on a roll
This poor unfortunate soul

My life isn't a Disney movie but I've got the soundtrack. Sebastin and flounder aren't going to save me in the nick of time. There is no Prince Charming who rides up on a white horse but for a moment everything felt alright and it felt like he was mine. When did this happen when did I decide it might be nice for him to be mine. Am I really secretly in love? I feel completely fucked over with this whole situation. I know it's so wrong of me to even say this but if that was the last time I ever kiss that man, I don't know, nevermind I should stop while I'm ahead. Does he really have a look in his eyes? Do I? This is painful... probably the most pain I've ever been in, in my life and there's nothing I can do about it so I may as well shut up because this isn't going to make it any better and I'm wasting your and my time... goodnight...xx

I liked it...

You want to see a Reaction?

2006-10-12T04:18:00.000-05:00

Here you have it...

indifference

that's all you get and more than you deserve

It's funny how imperfections fade or Ten things I like about you...

2006-10-12T04:07:00.000-05:00

10. The way you say milk and cookies because you know it makes me smile
9. The way you light my cigarette when I'm being special
8. Because you know I'm jumpy and ticklish and you use that to full advantage
7. Because you let me push you around and constantly fuck with you (taking your hat and throwing it, or the racing thing) yet you never get mad
6. The look in your eyes when you talk about something that interest you
5. Because even when you're in a bad mood it never last long. You're positive 90% of the time.
4. That you let me have your wish every time
3. The way you butcher the English language constantly
2. You listen and I believe you genuinely care
1. Because a smile never leaves my face in your company

There's only one thing I can think of that I don't like about you. Just one. I'll keep that to myself.
I didn't realize how circumstantial imperfections were until I met you. It's funny how they fade into beauty after time... And as a side note I'm not secretly in love with you as I've said before but I do love you. Don't tell...xx

Carry On, Carry On as if nothing really matters...

2006-10-11T03:54:00.000-05:00

Yeah so it's five am I just rolled in. Tonight was amazing best part I didn't drink as much as I have the past few weeks. I feel better honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted.
Only bad part I must mention was that Shannon was there. I swear she is such a moron sometimes. She thinks I'm mad at her because Ruari and her are "friends" please. I could care less who Ruari associates with. What am I his mother? She needs to grow up she makes it seem like middle school. OOh OOH brittnee is mad at me because a boy she cares about is friends with me. I believe and I quote shannon said, "brittnee will get over it she's just jealous that Ru wants to fuck me and not her." She needs to take that middle school bullshit somewhere else. If she really thinks that's the issue here she needs to stay away from me because she has no concerns for my feelings what so ever. Why am I constantly surrounded by idiotic people out for themselves, just out to see who the next person they can fuck over is? Oh yeah and before you start on oh she's your sister you shouldn't talk about her like that try again. Her dad adopted me when I was eight first off and second I'm more of a sister to her than she will ever be to me so shut the fuck up and grow the fuck up.
Otherwise amazing night. I sang again. Wasn't really up to it and I really didn't want to do that lame song but Lamarjorie said it would cheer her up so I did it. I had the anger I needed to fuel the song though honestly. What with wanting to kick someone's ass for making her cry like that and with my drama. I don't know. If he could only see how much she loves him and how much she hurts for him. I think it would do him some good. She doesn't deserve to hurt like that and I know he loves her but I swear I can't stand to see her like that. I just want to knock some fucking sense into that boy. He has got it made any guy would be lucky for her to even look at him let alone be his girlfriend. She is amazing she is going to do amazing things just because you're stressed, pissed whatever you are doesn't mean you can break her heart. You're breaking her heart. I'm not saying you're a bad guy because honestly I think you are one of the best I've ever or will ever meet but you've got to chill. She loves you she would do anything for you. You are a lucky man and it's about time you realized it because she is so close to perfect it scares me. I really hate seeing her cry. I swear I would do anything for her to never cry or feel hurt like she has been the past week or so ever again. she doesn't deserve it. she truly is too good for this world.
I don't know. we went back to the hop in hung out saw my married man. I love him I honestly do. I have really fucked myself royally. Doesn't matter. nothing really matters.
I did come to the realization that as long as I'm happy I don't give a shit who I'm with or where I am or what I'm doing. I would live a content life as long as I'm happy. Sure I want to make myself and yes I believe I'm meant for big things but if I could trade that all and just be happy fine you can have it. I don't care. I want to be happy. Seems like a fair trade giving up everything all my potential just to live a happy life.
I'm currently happy. I just wish she were... she's going to be alright. I'm going to be alright. You're going to be alright... incase you forgot...xx

oh and halloween party the 30th. Why the 30th well I plan on going downtown the 31st so I didn't want to fuck up those plans. HALLOWEEN is my favorite holiday I love it. I can't wait. You're all invited it's going to be awesome the list of people r.s.v.p-ing is growing as big as my smile right now. I love it... be good... be safe

Oh and for future reference TRAVIS rocks my socks and has to be one of the hottest guys I've ever seen in this town. STUNNING. oh and I heart Cordell Walker... night

You move like I want to, to see like your eyes do

2006-10-07T00:56:00.000-05:00

First off have you seen the moon tonight?
second we went to main campus Wed. Night I believe and we threw coins into the fountain I made five wishes as follows. I won't go in to details because then they won't come true.
1. For lamarjorie
2. For you
3. For my family and friends
4. For this world
and lastly for myself. I see where I stand in the grand scheme of things and the sad this is my wish wasn't really for me. I wished that I could change this world that I could make a difference. Now on to more serious issues it's going to be a novel...

My life has really been put into the right perspective lately. I've realized that things aren't as permanent as they seem or feel rather. Things feel so secure so reliable and honestly that makes me feel uncomfortable. Because in the past this security would have made me build up a sort of dependency and it always falls through. I've learned from the past and I know better. I know I'm not promised another moment with you any more than I'm promised tomorrow. Nothing is as set in stone as it seems sometimes. Which is why I prefer distance from most people. This time two years ago I was a very different person. I was the girl always to herself I was so focused on school and my goals that I didn't have time for anything else. I didn't really have anyone that I would call a friend. I was focused on my life and myself alone then something changed in me. I don't know if it was this mouthy short little Jewish Mexican black Irish girl who broke me out of my shell and got me talking or if it's part of growing up but I starting thinking maybe it would be nice to have people in my life. I didn't care about friends or the world as a whole in general. I was out for bettering myself end of story. God, I've changed so much. I care about this world and the people in it more than I ever thought I would but I'm not so sure I should.
I was reading a friends blog (whether he considers me a friend or not I still think highly of him his opinions and writing ability) he said he used to want to save the world but now he's not so sure the world deserves it. I agree with this statement. You can give and give and give all you have. You can give all of you to this world and the people in it and it seems like the more you give the more the world constantly fucks you over. The world and I don't have a good relationship. It's not a mutual give and take deal it's one sided. I give the world takes and ignores me after it's had what it wants from me. I try and help anyway I can yet the world doesn't ask if I'm the one who really needs help. I'm not saying everyone in this world is like that I'm just saying a vast majority are. I know I used to be one of them. Only out for what I can get no matter the cost or who gets hurt. I'm not like that anymore but I see myself becoming more and more jaded daily. I have faith in this world but there is so much you can take before you cut the strings. I want to help people I care about the world. I don't want to be the girl I was two years ago a year ago even. I think that's one of the worlds biggest problems there is a lack of people who give a damn. Don't let the world jade you there is so much good and so many people out there like me and you granted they are few and far between and getting harder to find but they do exist.
I was thinking also maybe it's not that the world doesn't deserve it but maybe the world doesn't want to be saved. Maybe that's the bigger issue here the world doesn't want your or my or her help. I give without being asked maybe that's where I'm confusing the line here. I give but the world never asked for my help so when it's not eager to lend a hand to me I have to remember it never asked for my hand to begin with. So, if I'm crushed or jaded or hurt it's my own fault not the worlds.
I don't know I'm going to bed. I've got a lot on my mind lately. I'm starting back school in January so it feels like I'm getting my life back in the right direction.

All I ever wanted to do was make you smile. I guess where I messed up was the fact that you never asked me to. This is my fault...xx

life on repeat

2006-10-05T19:24:00.000-05:00

I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found It won't be the same,
I didn't get around to kiss you, goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again,
I know that I can't,
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly The day, you,
slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same,
I have had my wake up
Won't you wake up.
I keep asking why.
I can't take it It wasn't fake.
It happened you passed by.
Now your gone now your gone
There you go There you go
Somewere I can't bring you back
The day, you, slipped away Was the day I found
it won't be the same, No, the day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same,

I miss you

Now I know that I did somethin wrong 'cause I missed you

2006-10-05T19:20:00.000-05:00

I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure
You try to tell me that I'm clever
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you

I think things are going to be okay...xx

Emotional Rape

2006-10-04T12:23:00.000-05:00

It's what we do...

So after a lovely evening last night I found my way to the hop-in. For various reasons that aren't really important enough to discuss but I ended up talking to Tawf nearly the entire night.
I guess he has a sixth sense and he knew I was doing shitty. Actually the past two week have been ones I should soon like to forget. Moving on. We sat outside and talked for an hour or so and this boy has his head on straight let me tell you. I think he's one of the most amazing people you will ever meet.
He told me there are two types of people in this world. The ones who get hurt and the ass holes. I tend to agree granted sometimes the lines get blurred but for the most part it's exactly right. There are the people who fuck you over and the people who take it. Now the people who fuck you over are people users they are out to get what they want from you then leave you behind. They don't care who they hurt or if they hurt someone. I know several people like this. And the "wastebaskets" care too much and even after you've say stabbed someone in the back they would probably still help you in anyway they can. I know an equal amount of these as well. I've decided I'm not going to be either of these types of people. I'm going to blur the lines and just be me. I said I was too good for this town and everyone in it and he agreed. We were talking about how we hate our jobs how we're too smart to make a career out of mediocre jobs. I thought I was being cocky but he completely agreed with me so it's not cocky it's convinced. He was talking about back home and how it is in a third world country and it made my problems seem like they weren't all that important. They're not. The little drama I'm going threw is nothing and it doesn't make the top ten on my list in the grand scheme of things. We bounced back and forth talking about people and about how the more people I meet the more I lose faith in humanity. It's true about 80% of people are fucking over the rest of the world for me. I'm losing faith. I know there are good, amazing people out there and I truly believe tawf is one of the best but sometimes it's hard to believe there's better out there when you have gotten screwed so much in your life. I still have hope. I don't know this post is already a book long so I guess I will have a part two or whatever.
I think I may go to the cemetery today have some time alone...
Atleast acknowledge that I'm a human and I have emotions it's not cool to treat me like some object, like I'm not even a person. I would never treat someone like they don't exist. I exist God damn it. I'm real, I'm human... maybe you forgot. maybe you don't care... that's a shame...xx

I take it back... Everything

2006-10-03T21:35:00.000-05:00

I acknowledge that I made you feel jealous because of somethings I said about Johnathan. That was not my intent. I was saying sometimes it's nice to talk to someone with an outside perspective not that I was looking for a replacement of my best friend. You're not getting rid of me that easy so get over it. If we're putting all the cards on the table here I'm honestly of a little jealous un named party myself. Only a little because I know I have no right to be because you have a history which I have no problem with in the least. All I'm saying is I didn't mean to make you jealous. And for the record I only mean about half the shit I say and the other have is just whatever comes to mind there's not a huge thought process it's just a blog. Read it as if you aren't directly involved as if it's just some sad girl in cyber space... Pretend you don't know me when you read my words. I don't mean to offend, hurt, anger, anything at all really. It's just a release...xx believe me there are worse things I could do.

I wish you'd come around cause we're missing you

2006-10-02T20:57:00.000-05:00

So it's been a few days and honestly I was going to discontinue the use of this blog. I had every intention of never writing on it again. Why? It seems two of the people I care about a great deal and hold in high regards got hurt, pissed, upset, I'm not sure whatever you want to call it. They had issues with my blog and things I have said on it. Here's what I must say to that before we go any further if the post was meant for you I would have addressed you as I often do. Nothing I said was said maliciously it was simply things going on in my life. I have said nothing to make anyone jealous (Beth) or to "take" a friend of a friend (R.M.R). That's not me at all. If you knew me you would know. So assuming you still read this (r.m.r) I didn't mean to hmm what's the word offend you perhaps. If anything on my blog was about you I would have told you believe me. If any of it was directed to you I would have made that clear. I apologize for any misinterpretations or misconceptions or mistranslations. That seems to be happening a lot lately which it why I was going to stop writing here all together but I've decided I like writing entirely too much to let this get me down and maybe I can make the wrongs right. Maybe not but it's worth the effort because I hold you in such high regards (r.m.r and beth) Why I hold you on a pedestal barely knowing you I can't explain. There are people I admire in this world that I know a lot less than you (not that I know you) why? Their Words, their music, their views on life. I can't explain it but I saw something in you that I wanted to see in myself. Anyways, you're probably not reading this anymore. I hate that... I hate how everything went down you have no idea how much. I'm still a little dazed. I wish there was something I could have said but honestly sometimes my emotions have no filters and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean. Which is why I had to walk away. It was the adult thing to do. I'm still hoping we can actually talk because I think you have me all wrong. I don't know what happened, what you heard, what was misinterpreted but I assure you it's wrong. Not your fault, and no I'm not trying to make myself the victim out of this situation nor you the villian. Why does there even have to be a victim or villian? I just want you to know you have me figured out wrong and I know this is partly my fault. I'm not who you think I am currently but I hope I can change your views with time. If not I thank you for the time given. I still admire you for different things and reasons. I still consider you a friend. Maybe I'm delosional but I'm not going to stop my side of the friendship even if you have. My friendship is unconditional believe me or not and I would still give the world to help you if you were in need. It's just who I am. Take me or leave me. If you need me I'm there. Anytime. So yeah I hope you read this you have no idea how much...
But now moving on to other issues that have nothing to do with the above issues so we are clear. J.H. Thinks I am secretly "in love" with him. I love him granted I love him more than I should love him given the situation I will even give him that but am I in love with him? Hard to say but if my opinion counts for anything I would say no. I've never been "in love" I'm not even sure if there is an "in love" so far it's been a myth people make up to stay together. Is "in love" out there? Somewhere in my little girl mind I secretly hope it is. I hope it is with all my being but my grown up realistic side begs to differ. I think we can love people. I think we can love them very much. We can love them so much we would do anything for them. Is love real? Sure why not, but is unconditional, raw, unfiltered, no holding back anything, type of love you see in the movies real? Part of me wants to believe in it but once again the realistic side says I'm delosional. I want that kind of love to be out there and it may be. Is it out there for me? Who can tell? Am I in that kind of love with him? No for obvious reasons I'm not. Could I be if those obvious reasons were no longer reasons? Who knows. I love him but I won't allow myself to love him like the love I think he was speaking of. Once again obvious (to me) reasons why I won't. I don't want to get hurt being one of them. I don't want him to be hurt more importantly.
So anyways life as we know it right now is good. Fucked, ironic, and vindictive as life maybe it's still life and it's still amazing. I'm still hopeful and in love with life. I had a rough patch but I assure you (Beth) I'm over it for awhile. Mostly because I'm tired of hurting myself but also because of you. You can take a little credit.
Anyways I hope where ever you are that you are safe and happy. I hope we don't stay strangers for long and I hope you have a moment for me to explain myself before you completely dissolve our friendship. If not it was a pleasure to know such an interesting captivating person. I don't think I will ever meet another person like you and I think that's unfortunate. Be good, be safe, be happy, allow people to love you unconditionally and you in turn love them in your way regardless.
have a goodnight...xx

THE END

2006-09-28T11:39:00.000-05:00

...xx

My downfall

2006-09-28T11:17:00.000-05:00

I'm hurting, I'm crying, I'm upset, I'm shocked, I'm in pain, I've lost trust, I'm exhausted, I'm unstable, I'm emotional.
I wished I hadn't listened to those I trust the most.
I'm weak, I'm scared, I'm distressed, I'm tired, I'm lost, I'm breaking down, I'm losing it, I'm out of control, I'm a mess.
Now I've been made into a liar which I've never been at all.
I'm falling, I'm failing, I'm screaming, I stopped breathing, I'm out of reach, I'm hiding, my walls are back up, I'm fading fast.
I'm sorry for many things I've done.
I'm sorry for what I did.
I'm confused, I'm dazed, I'm bewildered, I'm misinterpreted, I'm misunderstood, I'm aching, I'm shaken, I'm jaded, I'm a walking contradiction
And now you believe I'm someone I'm not.
I will never contradict this though my dear friend, I CARE ABOUT YOU and will continue to do so though the friendship has diminished. Once again when I said UNCONDITIONAL I meant it. If I never meant anything I said I meant that. I will always care about you no matter what you hear or read or choose to believe. If it didn't come straight out of my mouth, from now on, how about you not believe things you hear or read. We are still as much strangers as the day we met.

I'm so pathetic you made me finally said it so much more than this is gone.
My trust is gone. My walls are back. I'm finished wearing my emotions on my sleeves...xx

Unattainable

2006-09-27T15:14:00.000-05:00

I think the vaccine is sweeter than the disease.
it's nice to remember how to breathe
it's amazing that I'm feeling so free
I know now the truth I couldn't see
delusions, illusions, glamour confusion
such is the life you flaunt
such is the life I no longer want
trading being unwanted for unwanting
and I feel the addiction slipping away
the infatuation that ruled my day
your magic wore off
because you didn't get your way
you don't always get your way
and neither do I
I hope you know you're living a lie...xx

for no one in particular

Black Bird a Plane over New York and New Friend Request

2006-09-27T10:19:00.000-05:00

So last night Karaoke was off and a band played at Buffington's Albyon forgive me if I messed that up. Honestly I don't know how good they were because we left before I had heard one song. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We were sitting talking this being Shannon, Laura and I when Jonathan (white black guy) joined us. Somehow this turning into singing about Vaginas but I'm getting ahead of myself again. We went back to my house the four of us plus one and Jonathan broke out my guitar. I haven't heard it played in years he's pretty awesome (tuned it in G I believe)(thought you'd like that) anyways he started teaching me to play Blackbird (beatles) I am going to learn to play guitar if it kills me. I already think I'm pretty awesome. So Jonathan who I thought might potentially be an ass hole turns out to be pretty freaking awesome. He views on me were fucked to he thought I might be a stuck up bitch. Not so much. Anyways we talked about my confidence, my wrist, me being born in a plane over New York City, that I'm a lot like Sam from Garden State and music. Awesome he's a cool cat. Hope our encounters are more frequent.
Anyways Laura was drinking Capitan Morgan and singing about her balding poodenda crazy crazy stuff I wish I had hooked up my camera and posted it on YouTube because it was some hilarious stuff.
My night started off shitty and I had been told I'm immature by more than one person but fuck it some things you aren't meant to be mature about in regards to one person and sometimes it's easier to be immature than face the music to the other.
I'm okay now but I'm still a little sore from the entire texting event but it doesn't matter and I'm not bringing it up. Don't want to be dramatic. So one again keep the hurt on the inside and everything will be okay.
By the way Jonathan I think may be someone I see myself confiding in I can let things off my chest with him and it's nice because he seems like he genuinely cares.

so much the same yet so different...xx

Breakdown: I'm FINE

2006-09-24T20:10:00.000-05:00

I have an issue I've been dealing with lately. Honestly it hasn't been an issue since I was 18 and I thought I was over it but it seems it's back.
Beth's trying to help me work through it. And in regards to "I fucking love you" it's mutual. I didn't ask for her help in this matter but she can relate so I guess she thinks she can save me. I'm not the type of person who put my "issues" off on other people not even my friends. I've always been that way. I listen to their problems try to help them but I keep the things I'm dealing with to myself. I deal with my problems myself. I guess Beth doesn't think I'm dealing with them fast enough. She says I don't talk to her. It's true. I talk to her but I leave somethings out. She's got enough on her plate I just don't want her to worry about me. Even though she already does. I know my problem is an issue I know it's not something normal people do. I know I said it's not going to kill me but I know I shouldn't do it. And honestly I want to talk to you about it (Beth) but there is a time and a place for Dr.Phil moments and getting me upset and crying at work isn't the right time. God there's so much I want to say right now but it's just not coming out right.
I'm listening to you whether you believe it or not but I felt attacked last night/this morning. And had I not been a strong person I think it would have sent me over the edge. I know I have a problem. I'm not an idiot. I know I'm not fine. But I'm not that out of touch with reality. Just chill out. I'm doing all I can to function normally at work please don't get in my face about an issue I'm trying to work through when I'm unstable as it is. There's a time for it and that was not the time.
Believe me when I say I'm going to be fine. If I don't talk to you about my problems take it as a compliment that I'm not putting them off on you. Whether you want me to or not I don't feel right. They are my problems I have to deal with them and I will. Maybe it's not fast enough for you but I am going to be okay.
The next time you feel the need to discuss my problems how about we discuss them when it's convenient for me.
I love you and I know your intentions are true but your timing was off and it hurt. It hurt a lot. Some of the things you said hurt more than the actual act and I don't need that from my best friend. Maybe I'm not strong enough to deal with this on my own but you have to give me a chance to try before you step in. You can't cripple me because then I'm going to depend on you more than I already do and that's definitely something you don't need and it wouldn't be good for me either. Believe it or not there are going to be times when I'm dealing with something and you are preoccupied and I'm going to have to work threw them myself. So let me. Be there for me but don't be my crutch. That's not what I need.
I don't want this to come off harsh I'm not trying to be mean. I need you yes but I don't want to have to depend on you or rely on you. You're amazing for trying to help and I love you but let me help myself too don't just come in and take over.
I'm stronger than you think. I have weak moments like everyone else but I am strong and I am going to work through this on my own time and I am going to be okay...
I love you and I thank you for everything...xx

Anonymous Entertainment

2006-09-24T19:47:00.000-05:00

Anonymous said...
you sad pathetic little creature. I pity you.
4:56 AM

all this talk of being open. All this talk of saying what we mean. All this talk means nothing if there's not a name to go with the "openness" of this statement.
If you're going to say something like this fine but at least have the guts to give yourself a name. The guts to post it on the blog it pertained to not my photo blog.
I think it's LAME you (who ever you are) would said that and then not own up to it. Anyone can say something like that and not put a name to it that takes no guts at all but the fact that you posted as anonymous makes you seem a little juvenile and pathetic yourself.
Oh and in regards to "I pity you" I stand by my response but in case you didn't get it let's break down pity for a moment here. Pity? Do you really think you're that high up on the level that you can pity me? Do you think yourself that superior to me? You weren't even important enough to give yourself a name. Pity implies that you care. We pity the homeless. We pity third word countries. Why because we are human beings who feel compassion for someone suffering. It's different with you because you don't care. You didn't post that comment because you care. You don't. You feel no compassion for me so why did you post it?
Once again I don't need or want anything from you. Least of all your pity. Your pity is a lie anyways a lie to make you seem like you care to make you seem more human. Your pity is a joke.
The next time you want to post something on my blog how about you own up and give yourself a name kid. Because random statements from random anonymous people don't mean a thing to me. Grow up.
It's you I pity. You poor thing. Nothing better to do that post anonymous comments on people you don't even care about's blogs. People must be envious of your life. Really... xx

The lines aren't healed...

2006-09-22T19:09:00.000-05:00

and I'm already ready to cross them again... I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I don't even know who I am anymore...

Lost in Translation

2006-09-22T14:49:00.000-05:00

Which is why communicating via blogs and text messages is fucking over everyone. (texting and myspace=downfall=bad=evil) Everyone's so damn impersonal.(no one cares to talk to each other no one says what they mean) I've done it (guilty) but then again if people would say exactly what they really mean there wouldn't be an issue here now would there?(I think not) I'd do anything short of selling my soul to be able to read minds. (anything=anything) The good the bad atleast then you would have to put in the effort of speaking not that many people do these days anyways. (phone calls are lost on me) Nobody cares for real one on one conversation (hello would you like to go have a cup of coffee doesn't take that much effort) we communicate with "friends" via IMs and Myspace soon there won't be a reason to talk face to face at all. I believe I've heard someone say "I have more friends on Myspace than I do in real life." pathetic, not that you say you have more friends on myspace than in real life but that you think all those people are your "friends". Lame. Myspace a place for friends? No Myspace a place for networking nothing wrong with that just don't confuse it for "friendship". This society is going to shit but atleast it gives me something to laugh about. Not that I had a hard time finding things to laugh about lately. (come on have you seen the world we're living in? if you're not laughing at some point you have no sense of humor what so ever and I'm glad I don't know you)
So I have a quote reminds me of someone (a couple of someones but one in particular)(you can assume this is you fine by me not going to call you conceited or anything or ask if you think I write everything about you?)(because you know I don't I know I don't just as well as I know you don't write everything about me)(the girl who write these words=not that important)(I knew that. Guess you missed the memo)(or it got, proving the titles point here, LOST IN TRANSLATION)

"The absence of judgment helps you to appreciate reality" (needs no footnotes this is simply beautiful)

I'll leave you with that oh and conceited? Give me a break. It's not like I said I was the only friend you knew who had ever said I'm through caring about the world. Seems to me like it's a universal feeling shoulda marketed that shit when I was the first person ever in the history of the world to say I don't care about people. muwhahaha I don't think I'm that important in the world or your world believe me. Conceited nah I'm convinced get it right ;) (<---this means I'm joking incase that bypassed anyone)(I think I'm going to start labeling everything I say so you know exactly what I mean because after all you're not a mind reader and some of my friends clearly aren't the brightest.) ( : ) ) smile god damn it you take life to seriously ( ; ) )
oh and I think you're going to get a kick outta this "do you think I write every blog about you?" isn't that you assuming that I assume you write every blog about me? (oooohh assumptions=evil). I was just responding to a point you made that I found I could relate to. And actually I only wrote the response because Beth said you were starting to sound like me and I had to see what that was about. Good to know there's other people in the world who feel like me. You should give the "friend" you were refering to (the one you heard say it) my Myspace I think we'd get along marvelously. Now, do I think I'm the first person who decided to stop giving a shit? No. Do I think I'm the reason you've decided to stop giving a shit? No. Have a Good Day (<^---this is for you) ;)

I'm wrong... and I'm Finished

2006-09-22T06:19:00.000-05:00

I lied and I apologize...
I can lie to you to everyone I know and even to myself but the truth is how you so eloquently put it. There's my confession. I am as pathetic as (you)(I) make me out to be. My cards are on the table do with them what you will. Rub them in my face. Say I told you so do what you will. Bring it up everytime we argue I don't care. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't mutual. I'm not completely delusional. This isn't the middle school version it's the adult version. I know where you stand I know where I stand. All I ask is that you don't humor me. I can't take it which is why I said friendship is all I want. There's my not so secret, secret it's yours now do with it what you will. I have a lame ass fucking school girl _ _ _ _ _.
I've decided that I am finished with people in general as well. My efforts are pointless they only leave me lacking and I am done. As selfish as it sounds I'm living for me regardless of people who could care less about me's feelings. I'm tired of walking on egg shells I'm tired of trying to save a world who won't fight for themselves. I'm tired of being hurt by people who are so consumed with their own mediocre existence that they can't see the real issues outside their front doors. People are so self righteous and self centered and selfish and I am finished caring about them. I mean it. I'm done. You want your world to be better then grow some balls and fight for what it takes to make you happy. I am finished fighting for you. You're sure as hell not fighting for me.
To the people I love. I still love you and thank you for everything. I will continue to fight for the few of you there are and you can disregard the above statements but I've got to start learning to love myself and I've got to realize I can't save everyone. Not everyone wants to be saved. A hard lesson to learn but I think I've finally got it.
I care about people entirely too much for my own good. I mean I would go without if it meant I could help someone. I have but not anymore. I'm tired of coming second. I'm tired of caring about people. I'm restless it's exhausting and it's over.
You people have fucked me over for the last time... I wish you beautiful lives filled with every happiness fitting to the happiness each of you individually desires as mundane as the mass of you are but I am over this and I am over you... The next time you have need remember the last time you catered to my need and hold your fucking tongue because I'm not listening anymore...xx

Tell me that you're alright

2006-09-20T17:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah everything is alright...
Oh please tell me that you're alright.
Yeah everything is alright.

I mean it... We went to the cemetery and had a long peaceful chat and an enlightening conversation. It's been an amazing day just first class. There is nothing wrong in my world at this moment. Everything is alright. I feel amazing. I feel fine. I feel alive for the first time in a long time and I like it.
Wow, you are constantly impressing me you are such a selfless amazing person. And I know now what I do to myself effects you and for that I am truly sorry. I would never hurt you on purpose never I love you more than I love most of my relatives and way more than most people in this world. You were put here to do amazing things. You were put here to spread your light. I haven't talked about you in a while what with this boystop situation and all but I think it's high time I did. You give me a reason to smile everyday I know I'm going to see you. If that ain't love then I don't know what love is. You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. The best. Anyone who doesn't want you in their life is a cockpocket extreme and they are missing out. You make me want to better myself. You make me want to accept myself and love me for me. You make me want to stop hurting myself. You make me want to be better in general. You are such an inspiration and I look up to you more than anyone in this world (well not in the literal sense and all)(moving on)(hey wait... You're short...haha) You came into my life at just the right time and I feel like you've saved me on more than one occasion. You are not a wastebasket regardless of what anyone says. You are here to better this world one person at a time and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with caring about people. I think some people don't care enough and this world would be far different if people were more like you.
I'm sorry for the shit I've been putting through and I'm sorry for making you feel guilty. I'm sorry for being manipulative. I've sorry for being too attached sometimes. I'm sorry for everything that's been going on in general including being a dumb girl.
You're friendship is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I hope oneday I can be like you. You are such a good person and such an inspiration. You see beauty in everything you see good in every situation and it amazes me. And it's nice to know that when I'm being an ass hole (deaf girl in chorus) you laugh with me but in the end let me know how wrong I am, because it's funny as shit to me and sometimes I don't know I'm being an asshole.
thank you for everything. Don't worry about me anymore though because I've been through worse and I'm going to be fine. I'm sticking around long enough for me to tell your kids the meaning of cockbite and sending them home to you sugared up thinking Aunt Brittnee is the shit. I promise I'm not going to do anything dumb especially over some boy who could care less. I like life far too much to let little things get me down. I like the thought of Matthew asking you "mommy what is a fucktard?" far too much to give up on life now. I can't wait... I can't wait I know the best is yet to come and I know that because of you... I love you unconditionally...xx

A Crush but it's not mutual...

2006-09-20T08:34:00.000-05:00

You have no clue how true that statement is.
First off is this your observation or do you think the world has a crush on you? I'm not trying to be mean some people have enough confidence for every person in this world, nothing wrong with that. Either way it's a mistake love. I like you that's fair enough. I would even say I like you a lot. But a crush now that's something entirely different.
Here's my definition of crush maybe I'm mistaken. A crush is when you like someone more than anyone else. When you think about marrying them or being in a relationship with them. I don't recall ever expressing that I wanted that from you. Crush is writing someone's last name with yours over and over. Crush is so juvenile. I'm not that desperately "in love" with you. Don't call it a crush. Lame...
I like you okay fine I will admit that I like you. I will completely give you that. Do I want to be in a relationship with you. No, nothing more than friendship which I have clearly expressed time and again. Now granted when I first met you I may have had a "crush" but that quickly was crushed as they often are. I know that you and I are never going to happen I know that I'm not that delusional believe me. First off I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and Besides you're not what I want out of a relationship and you're not what I want out of life. I want so much more than you can give. Another point you already have someone in your life like that. All I want is your friendship. I'm sorry if I lead you to believe there was more to it than that. I like you but it doesn't mean I have a crush. I care but it doesn't mean I'm writing Mrs.(your last name) all over everything. I've kissed you but it doesn't mean I'm hearing wedding bells. I stare but it doesn't mean I'm choosing our kids last names. I know all you can offer is friendship and I know that, that is something I want. You're not dealing with a middle schooler here. I can be grown up about somethings and this is one of those times.
I don't have a crush, I'm not a booty call, I don't want to be your girlfriend, I don't want to marry you, I'm not in love with you, I don't want to have your babies, I don't write I heart you everywhere. Please don't make me out to be some poor pathetic girl who is in love with a boy who doesn't feel the same way to complete strangers and please tell your friends to stop IMing me telling me you have a girlfriend. It's so lame... Not every girl you encounter is after you that way. I'm not trying to hook line and sink you. I'm not trying to take you away from her. I'm not trying to be your girlfriend. Just friend.
All I want is to be your friend here's my definition of friend. People who hang out together. People who talk. People who care for each other more than strangers but not as much as people in relationships. People who are there for each other. People who call or text just to ask how your day was. People who laugh together. People who make things easier. People who love unconditionally. People who are there when you're sad. People who are there when you're happy. People who take nothing from each other. People who give everything. People to talk to when you feel your worst. People you talk to when you feel your best. People you can talk to about anything. People you can tell your secrets. People who keep your secrets. Friends are connections to this world that make you feel less alone that make you feel more alive and that make you feel loved.

I like you, I love you and I'm your friend end of story. . .xx